Berkeley Zen Center. Every spring we have a six-week practice period, and this is a time when we all commit to increasing our attendance for Zazen and study. So if we normally come, say, twice a week, we try to come perhaps three or four times a week, and more if we come more often regularly. And this is all an individual decision based on our life circumstances. and there are also activities which we make an effort to attend such as Sojan's class on the Heart Sutra. The theme for this practice period is the Heart Sutra and how we work with it in everyday life. The tradition of the practice period is actually a monastic tradition which began in India when there were wandering monks. And these monks would gather together during the monsoon season for an intensive group practice for several months.

[01:04]

And then later in China and Japan, monasteries would have practice periods with the head student. But here we have a lay practice. So during our practice period, we all go out and take care of our lives and go to work, drive cars, take care of families, pets. and we sit more zazen than we usually do. I first started practicing at the Berkley Zen Center in 1976, and for many years I had a lot of difficulty maintaining a daily practice. Sitting zazen was very painful, mostly mentally. I found myself engaged in obsessive thinking, and my mind was relentlessly noisy with all kinds of thoughts, some of them quite negative, a lot of fear. And obsessive thinking was a habit for coping with anxiety. It gave me an occupation and a sense of control.

[02:07]

And I also had a lot of anger, which was the default emotion in my family when I was growing up. And I thought that I didn't fit the image of a meditator or a Buddhist. So I concluded that if I sat daily and I was still angry and fearful, then it was best to give up. So beginning around 1985, I started to do longer retreats, mostly in the Vipassana tradition. and they lasted often 10 days, 20 days. And I found that these retreats deepened my understanding and at some point I actually did experience a deep peace but the peacefulness did not last. And I found that when I returned within three to four days I would be back where I started with myself and my mind. Within a few days I'd be driving my car around honking at people to get them to speed up, impatient with whoever I was close to, and I'd be disappointed that I never seemed able to hang on to those tranquil states that I experienced after a week or more of sitting.

[03:23]

And I'd hoped that the experience I had during retreats would lead to a consistent daily practice, but it often failed. and I found I became a bit addicted to sushis and retreats because after a few days my mind would eventually calm down, and I preferred that calm to the busy, frantic mind of everyday life. So I started to create this division between my everyday mind, which seemed quite chaotic, full of noise and chatter, and what I thought was the more enlightened state of mind, the mind that was more silent, and it was slower to react, it was a more presentable mind and it resembled the kind of mind that I imagined the true Bodhisattva to have. So finally, in the early 1990s, I went to Barry, Massachusetts for a two-week intensive Buddhist study program at the Barry Institute of Buddhist Studies.

[04:27]

And this is associated with the Insight Meditation Center, which was started by Joseph Goldstein and Jack Kornfield. And there was a weekend retreat between the two weeks. And at the end of the retreat, there was time for questions and answers. And I raised my hand and boldly and carefully said to the teacher, I want to want to sit every day but I can't. What should I do? So I waited for his advice and the teacher responds to me rather bluntly and in front of the whole class he said, perhaps you haven't suffered enough. And that was a turning point in my practice. What he was saying to me that I was unwilling to experience suffering, that I was turning away from what was painful about everyday life, that I was looking for pleasant or tranquil states of mind, and I hoped to achieve that through zazen.

[05:32]

And he was saying that I was unwilling to accept and sit with what I didn't want to feel. It was easier to sit a sashin or a multi-day sashin, where I felt that if you just tolerate pain for a certain number of days, I was almost guaranteed at least a few moments of calm, sometimes even a deep peace. But in daily practice, I still had the experience of being agitated or impatient or restless. or having to sit with unpleasant thoughts day after day. And I realized then that to have a daily practice meant sitting with however my mind was, and I would have to give up those thoughts of attaining some transcendental state of tranquility, that the anger and anxiety were not going to go away. When I returned from Barrie, I began a very serious practice here, and I was here six days a week and held various practice positions.

[06:40]

And my entire life revolved around the Zen Center for about five years. And I realized that the only way to have daily practice was to accept that things were not going to be as I wanted them to be. The Heart Sutra says that when Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara was practicing deeply the Prajnaparamita he perceived that all five skandhas in their own being are empty and were saved from suffering. Prajnaparamita means great wisdom and the skandhas are all those experiences we have such as feelings, perceptions, thoughts, the inner dialogue which we put together and then impute, this is me. And I think most of us have had the experience of the emptiness of at least some of these while sitting zazen.

[07:42]

Part of what I love about sitting zazen is that I often experience a difficult emotion like fear, where I'm caught in a maze of busy, unrelenting thoughts, and at some point it disappears. And I've experienced this relief from suffering at that moment when I recognized that these feelings and distracting thoughts are more like empty bubbles which arise and pass away. When I began to sit here daily and sit as a sheen every month, I did in fact become quite a bit more calmer. I was slow to get angry or become impatient, and I found it easier to be kind. When I went to work after morning zazen, I could still hear the voice of the Kokyo chanting, may all attain the awakened way. And I left the zendo every morning and went straight to work.

[08:46]

And at that time I had a job that was not very demanding. but I was also job hunting at the time. And so finally in late 1999, after several years of searching, I got a challenging job as the manager of one of the branches of San Francisco Public Library. And very quickly my life changed from one of daily zazen and liturgical practice and other Dharma-related projects and groups, to one where 60 hours per week was work life. And this work life had very different hours. Instead of getting up at five in the morning, coming to the Zendo and then going straight to work and being home by five o'clock in the afternoon, I was working much later. I was working nights, weekends. And on an early night, I would be lucky to get home by 730. So now I'm responsible for a staff of 10 people and for providing library services to the community, which is the Castro community in San Francisco.

[10:01]

I buy all the adult materials for the branch, all the books, DVDs, periodicals, audiobooks, and I spend most of the day at a public desk waiting on the public. And even though I'm the manager, I don't have an office, and I don't even have my own desk, actually. And I'm also responsible for the building and its safety. So if the toilet or the photocopier breaks, or if someone dumps garbage all over the lawn, then it's my problem. Or if someone causes a disturbance or commits a crime, then I have to get involved in that too. So when I tell people that I'm a librarian, they often say to me, what a peaceful job that must be. But my reply is that we're really more like social workers, except that we haven't had the training.

[11:04]

Libraries more and more are becoming the home for people who really need social services. Many of them are homeless and have mental health issues, but they are minimally cared for by our community. So the Heart Sutra goes on to say, form is not different from emptiness, emptiness is not different from form. That which is form is emptiness, and that which is emptiness, form. The library is not as quiet as one might imagine, and despite popular misconceptions, being a librarian is not like sitting Zazen and being surrounded by books. Now in the modern library, you hear cell phones and pagers and laptops all beeping and playing jingles, and they go off frequently.

[12:11]

So if you sit at a public desk for eight hours, it seems like these jingles are going off all day long. And at my branch, there's a particularly large number of homeless people and people who are IV drug users, younger people who live on the streets, And we're very close to 16th and Mission, which is known to be one of the heroin capitals of the United States. And frequently, I find people passed out at tables or behaving out of control. And there are also a lot of people who are not necessarily homeless, but who find it hard to function in society, who might not have jobs or families or people who care about them. So we have a really big problem with the public restroom, where some people spend a lot of time often leaving needles on the floor or blood in various places, and when it's not being used as a shooting gallery, it's often used for bathing.

[13:23]

Everyone uses this restroom, including children, and we have a lot of children's programs, so sometimes there are lines of kids waiting to use the restroom, and there are also people using drugs in there. So we've had a lot of complaints from people who use the library about the condition of the restroom. And often we can smell something burning in there. And then we have to call the police and, you know, get the person out of there and that kind of thing. So we initiated a policy of signing in to use the restroom. So now we have this big security strip that blocks people from going in, and only one person can go back at a time, and each person has to just sign their name and the time. We don't check up on them. It's not like asking for ID, but we do ask them to write down a name and a time. And that way we have a sense of how long somebody's been in there.

[14:26]

And a staff member goes back there fairly regularly to make sure that, you know, somebody isn't there for a long period of time. So there's a man who comes in the evenings to the branch and I don't think that he's a drug user, but he's angry a lot of the time. And a few weeks ago, He got very mad and after yelling at one of the staff behind the checkout desk, he marched up to me and complained about the bathroom sign-in policy. And he apparently found out that the policy was designed to discourage people from shooting up in the restroom. So he got angry saying that the library was accusing him of being a drug addict. And he continued to shout at me about that for several minutes. And I tried to explain that we were not accusing him or viewing him as a drug addict, but that we made rules to ensure public safety, and that those same rules had to apply to everyone.

[15:37]

But no matter what I said, he still remained angry. And he finally stormed out, threatening to go to the mayor to complain about me. I was annoyed because my rational explanation did not effuse his anger. The next day he was back, and he sat down at one of the public computers, and the subject of the previous night seemed to have passed. But at a certain point I heard some shouting, and I looked over at the computer, and he was arguing with another library patron. somebody I had known for a long time to be a peaceful and accommodating person, basically. So they got into an argument and apparently the man that I knew said that this man had elbowed him when he asked him to give up the computer because it was his turn. And then, of course, the man that I'd been having trouble with came up and claimed that the other guy had assaulted him, which of course I didn't see.

[16:47]

So this went on for a while. There was quite a skirmish about that. But finally, it seemed to resolve itself. And the situation settled down without me having to get really involved in it. So that situation went by. But a few days later, he was sitting at the public computer right near my desk, and I was very tense. And I wondered who he was going to get into an argument with next, whether it would be me or another member of the public. And as these thoughts went through my mind and I grasped them, I could feel the anger and anticipation arising in me. And I actually started to feel resentful that so much of my job was spent not with books or talking about books, but really working with difficult people.

[17:48]

People who I thought were looking for fights and people whose problems I couldn't solve. and I couldn't placate them and I couldn't capture any of those peaceful feelings that I'd had during Sashin and was convinced that I could carry out into the outside world when I left Sashin. So, as I was thinking this, the man started to bark. Just like a dog. And I knew he was trying to start something. And I wondered, I knew I was headed for another confrontation. And I wondered if this was the night that I would have to call library security. And the problem, I can call library security and ask him to be barred from the branch, but

[18:51]

We don't have any security at my branch. I have to call the main library and it takes them at least an hour to get to the branch if they ever make it. A lot of the time they never make it. And barring someone is actually a bureaucratic nuisance. It's much more difficult than it might sound. So, anyway, I thought about that, whether this would be the time, but I decided I would try and talk to him first. So I walked up slowly, not wanting to startle him, and I told him he was making noise and disturbing other people, and that there were rules about this kind of behavior. And he argued that his noise was no different from the noise that the staff person was making at the circulation desk by talking to another person about the books they were checking out. So he said, this person, his voice is too loud, so there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing.

[19:52]

But I held my ground and I told him that if he continued, he was going to have to leave. So eventually, you know, we talked it through and I kept insisting that what he was doing was not acceptable. And he finally left in kind of a storm, but he did leave. And I felt relief that he was gone, but I was also worried that he was going to come back and cause more trouble. And I was feeling very tired and frustrated because there were also three or four other people in the branch who regularly cause problems, similar situations, people that I had to keep my eye on. So I was not feeling really restful, even though he had left. So that night, I went home at nine o'clock and I found myself carrying around a lot of anger which I did not like and I kept picturing the following day what was going to happen tomorrow and I found myself trapped in a very negative mindset and I was also I was caught in this dualistic trap where I wanted to annihilate certain feelings

[21:15]

particularly the angry and impatient ones, and I just imagined that if my Zen practice was better, or if I just made more effort, that I wouldn't have these reactions, and would fit my idea of a bodhisattva, not to mention a library branch manager. So, but in this I started to realize that my ideas were the problem. They were a big problem. I had a lot of ideas about how other people are supposed to be and how I should respond. I had ideas about how someone who had practiced for so many years ought to be. and how patrons, library patrons, should not be like this man, and that as a branch manager, I shouldn't be impatient, and as a Buddhist, I shouldn't be so angry. The next morning, I got up and sat Zazen at home, and usually when I sit Zazen at home, I contemplate Prajnaparamita for a few minutes toward the end of the sitting, and I was contemplating the second part of the phrase, emptiness is form,

[22:34]

And during this practice period, we've been reading a particular text called the Tiger's Cave. And it's a commentary on the Heart Sutra by a Soto Zen master, Abbot Obora. And he says that it's very important how the statements in the Sutra are ordered. The first part is, form is emptiness. So everything is negated. And that reminds me of Zazen, because in the stillness and the silence of Zazen, it's easier for me to see the ephemeral and insubstantial nature of my mind and body. And I can see thoughts and feelings arise and pass away. And it's also a teaching for me to drop my own ideas which block me from seeing. And the second part, emptiness as form brings to mind everyday life, And Abbot O'Borah says that it's after absolute negation that this so-called world of unconditional affirmation appears.

[23:41]

He goes on to say that the first phrase, form is emptiness, says, this will not do, that will not do. And the second phrase, emptiness is form, says, this will do, this will also do. It's the affirmation of everything just as it is. So I took Bart to work that day, and I got off as usual at 16th and Mission, and then I walked up Mission Street to Market, where my library is located. I practiced letting go of these ideas since they were giving me a lot of pain. As I approached the library, I pulled my keys out a few minutes before nine o'clock, and this same man was standing in front of the padlocked door. And I noticed some fearful thoughts arise, but I contemplated Prajnaparamita, and Abbot Oboro's commentary came to mind, the words, this will do.

[24:50]

I walked up to the door and I said, good morning, and he said, good morning. And then he told me that he had thought he had left his pager, a pale green pager, at the computer the night before. And I told him I would go inside and look and see if his pager was there. So I went and I looked around the computer and I didn't see his pager and I went to the lost and found thinking maybe somebody picked it up. And I looked around, I couldn't find it. So I went back outside and I spoke to him and I said that I was sorry, but it wasn't here, that perhaps he had left it somewhere else. And he said, yeah, perhaps I did leave it somewhere else. And then he smiled at me and said, thank you very much. And I said, and I smiled, I said, you're welcome. So I thought,

[25:54]

I would stop here and see if anyone has any questions. Elizabeth. This neighborhood in Castro is a very, the word Castro as a neighborhood is a huge neighborhood in my mind.

[27:10]

It represents a neighborhood where a lot of far away people in the And for me, being queer on the East Coast for many years, Castro was the place where I wanted to be for decades. I'm finally here. And yet, and as you say, there's other kinds of far away people there as well. People from political economy, drugs, and movements of railway people of color who we displaced, and whatever. And so I'm thinking how hard it is, oh, and people with disabilities of course, railway people, how hard it is for me to know how

[28:15]

On one hand, have a huge desire to be of service to the children who are taking the same trail as I have, who have maybe even a worse time, and ended up in the pastoral. And yet, at the same time, having just about five seconds of patience before fear arises because it was dangerous. So, I appreciate what you say. Charlie. Karen, you told me about your job interview for the job that you have now on time.

[29:25]

I did, and I don't remember. You know, I'm sorry, but I don't remember. As I recall, there were 60 other people that applied for this job, and you were a finalist in a panel of your life and they wanted to know something about your life outside of librarianship. Right. I'm remembering now. Yes. You wrangled Unruly Bony Safa's theory and said, reach, reach. That is true. I forgot about that actually. During the job interview, they told me some of the issues that I would be facing and they said one of them is that there's a huge homeless population there and I mentioned that I had led a meditation group for homeless people in Berkeley for a number of years and also

[30:41]

Well, I was Sasheen director here for a while, and I know I mentioned that, and I almost, I thought it was kind of inappropriate, but it somehow came out, and then I found out somebody who was on the interview panel told me that that was one of the key factors. Pam. Do you feel any Do you feel that over the years of practice you really have been able to deal with anger and that you either feel it less or it possesses you less? I mean, it seems you were kind of able to deal with it. I think it has, yes, but it's been a slow process and I think that I can look at myself and say, yes, it has lessened.

[31:45]

The habit of anger, I think, has lessened, which I think is a direct result of Zazen practice. But in the moment when it comes up, it doesn't feel that way. It feels like the same old anger, and it's hard. was that you were going to say, you know, I started barking back again. But, you know, what I wondered is how do you explore your kinship of mind with that person? You mean our similarities?

[32:49]

Well, I have no doubts that we share quite a bit. In fact, in my talk last Monday morning when I talked about my childhood, which some people heard, I like to stir up trouble. And I made people miserable, especially authority figures. So I can relate to him. So that brings up a kind of empathy I do have an empathy, yeah. You know, there are a lot of difficult people that I deal with, and I have to say I have more empathy for some than others, based on my personal experience. Somebody who is looking for a fight, I tend to have a lot of empathy with. You know, I have a little less personal experience with certain things, like heroin use, which I didn't happen to experience. You know, I have a little less I wouldn't say empathy, but I don't identify with it so much.

[34:07]

And actually, this guy who barked, he's gotten a lot nicer since I started disciplining him more. I think maybe he just wanted attention. I mean, it took a while, but I think he probably thinks I like him now. Which maybe I do. I didn't hear you. We have a relationship. He's your ox. Yeah. Yes. About 30 years ago at San Francisco Zen Center we used to chant out of the longer Ajna Paramita. And I always remember this line that says, Bodhisattva does not tremble, does not hesitate, does not blah, blah, blah, but whatever. And I don't know about that, but when you came in today, I was sitting right up in front, and I noticed your hands were trembling.

[35:17]

And I thought that was very sweet. I mean, I felt something about that. Your hands were trembling. I don't exactly subscribe to the idea that a bodhisattva does not tremble. But the thing is, you didn't hesitate. And it was a really lovely experience for me to be with you while your hands were trembling, which they aren't anymore. Recently, I met a 16-year-old boy from Gaza, and he's been spending a year in the United States, and he has to go back to Israel. And you said, this will do, that will do, and that impressed me.

[36:32]

And I was wondering if you could apply that message. How can anybody say this will do? Well, to bring it back to a really mundane issue, you know, when the guy was barking, I didn't say that will do. You know, there are certain basic principles. So it's not like everything is okay or that we should go around accepting everything. I'm not sure if this is what you're asking, but I wouldn't say that to starvation and checkpoints or whatever is going on there. Is that what you mean?

[37:33]

What is the attitude that makes you work with this without acceptance? For me or for you? How do you work with it? Writing? I think it's so important to understand other people and you have to really listen to them

[38:36]

I suppose what I'm bringing up is that I am very strongly in my mind that certain things just won't do. They don't like me. Certain things want to, just want to like me. I think it's not very productive. I think you do sometimes, but sometimes you don't. It's not very productive for you. But it's very powerful. but as Buddhists we try to stop suffering in whatever way that we can. So, I personally wouldn't be saying that this will do, some of this violence that you're talking about. But you bring up a really important point, and we're always walking that line between Trying to decide that. I do think that's what I was trying to say.

[40:35]

Yes, Tamara? I don't know if this is helpful, but this is how I deal with the kind of things that I encounter. Some years ago, my father had a very serious stroke and it looked like he was going to be disabled and not able to walk and not able to talk, which was, you know, to me, much more upsetting than if he had died. And at the time it occurred to me that this had happened because he was empty. All the capacities that he had weren't real and he could lose them. And this life that we have that's secure isn't real. We could lose it. They're all empty. And when I started seeing, so I sort of look at it as a way that a lot of the suffering that appears I can only make somebody suffer because they're empty. I can destroy things because it has no real existence as it is. And once I sort of saw that that was the fundamental nature of things, it somehow gave me more courage to face it, which I really accepted.

[41:46]

accepted that this was because of the emptiness of our existence. And somehow it has given me more equanimity. When I, you know, I work sometimes with children who've been abused and children who are, children of, say, parents who are abusing them or drug users or whatever, and there's a huge amount of suffering to see. But when I see that this is, there's something, somehow it's just how it is because of that Ting. Thank you.

[44:07]

It's time.

[44:12]

@Text_v004
@Score_JJ