Just before leaving, Tozin asked, If after many years someone should ask if I am able to portray the master's likeness, how should I respond? After remaining quiet for a while, Ungadoyo, Daisho, answered, just this person. Tozan was lost in thought. Ungadoyo said, Chiakaira. Having assumed the burden of the great matter, you must be very cautious." Tosan remained dubious about what Ngodoyo had said. Later, as he was crossing a river, he saw his reflected image and experienced a great awakening to the meaning of the previous exchange. He composed the following gatha or verse. Earnestly avoid seeking without, lest it recede far from you.

[01:23]

Today I am walking alone. Yet everywhere I meet him, he is now no other than myself. But I am not now him. It must be understood in this way in order to merge with suchness. Lump of clay sitting, rest in Picasso's shawl.

[02:51]

Buddha's hands form. In emptiness, a thousand-winged butterfly awakens. This is the Dharma Staff, five feet long. Once a black snake on Vulture Peak, it became the Udumbara Flower. At Shaolin Temple, it burst forth in the five petals of Zen. Sometimes a dragon swallowing heaven and earth, Sometimes it is the Vajra sword, giving and taking life.

[03:56]

Now I hold it in my hand. Though only a tiny buzzing mosquito, biting the iron bull, I cannot give it away. dragons and elephants. Let us call forth the Dharma. Give me your questions. Shuso, I've seen many butterflies flying about the Zen Center the last couple of days. Where have they come from? It's a long story.

[05:00]

They're a remarkable demonstration of life and the relation of all things. They come not just from egg and caterpillar and chrysalis, but from all life. Thank you very much. Back in the old, old days, when we were baby Zen students together. We used to go to San Francisco and listen to Suzuki Roshi lecture and we giggled a lot. We probably didn't understand Buddhism very well, but we understood the English even less because in those days he was very hard to understand. And maybe the first time we went we heard him talking about detamination and couldn't figure out what he meant.

[06:12]

Detamination. Was this the opposite of contamination? What was he talking about? And finally it came to me that it was determination. Determination. Chusso, tell me, where is this determination born? I think it's born in yourself. You just have to look for it. And it'll come like a butterfly. There is no search involved? For a long time, I searched and couldn't find it.

[07:17]

And then it came. She said, Sunday when everyone was laughing during lecture and glad it was the last period of Zazen and anxious for lunch, I felt like I was being left behind, like I just experienced my first moments of quiet and already it was over. And so my question is, how can I stop feeling my capabilities in the present? If you find out, will you tell me? Maybe we can look together. Thank you. Shusa, you used to practice years ago at the Broadway, and then you went away, and then you came back here, and there you are.

[08:29]

I'd like to know why you left and why you came back. In my heart I was never gone. But it took a long time for my body to catch up with my heart. And I know your heart will always be here. Do you remember what it says on your ruckus loop? I think so. Do you? I asked first. It says, moon, ah, moon. It says, ah. Well, Moon Pond Wondrous Light is my name, and it says something to give back to that.

[09:45]

The whole moon is reflected in a drop of dew on the grass. So is that the answer to my question? I think you have the answer to your question. She said, when one is having tea, Is the extra unused tea set on the table part of and necessary to the world of tea, as the ocean, sky, and rower are part of and necessary to the world of the boat? Or is it just art, and what presumptions about art and The empty teacups and the full teacups are both filled with beauty when you're looking at them.

[10:48]

How does anxiety come and go? Quickly and smoothly if you don't cling to them or force them away. So, if there are fundamentally no reference points, not even a self, what does one rely on? Change and the triple treasures. What else? Shiso, would you tell me, a new student in Buddhism, what I should start to know about the Buddha, about taking refuge in Buddha?

[12:25]

First, you've been a student in Buddhism all your life, I think, Susan. I'm sorry, I didn't... Susan, I don't think we're finished, will you, Susan? I don't think I gave you an answer. I felt that you said something true. Thank you. How do you prepare them? How do you give them rules and also teach them to be open? I give them time to develop their own rule.

[13:38]

And usually the main rule comes out to be a good rule. And it's usually comes out to be something like, don't interfere with the life and learning of others and yourself. And it seems to be as good a rule as I would ever make up. I think it was a very fast running river. It wasn't a still pond. And it was moving. And it wasn't the same face you would see in a mirror. And the water was moving out from under the reflection. And it was broken in many pieces. And he would see in it that place where he and his master were the same with all life.

[14:48]

That's what I think. When we eat, we used to say we should consider whether our virtue and practice deserve it. We don't say that anymore. Why shouldn't we consider whether our virtue and practice deserve it? What do we say instead? It's a watered down version. Oh, let us. I don't hear it that way. I hear it as us doing it together and coming from us in our intention rather than from a direction. Should. Should is what the well-meaning mother tells us. Let us comes from the Sangha. She's sold.

[15:54]

How are you? I'm very fine. These are indeed beautiful days. How are you? I'm here. Well, as Susan Moon told us, Woody Allen said that's 80% of life, being here. Thank you for joining us. Thank you. Jusel, thinking about toes up into space in the river, tell us about letting go. I think when you cross a river, the current can be very strong and there are rocks on the bottom. and you don't walk right across it at a right angle you walk maybe with the current at the same time being careful at every step at everything alive and everything in the river not to hurt yourself or anything else and when you're busy getting across I think you have to let go or you don't get to the other side

[17:16]

So, on the edge of the river lives the bamboo reed. What can I learn from observing the bamboo? It has very, very strong roots. What grows on top is nothing compared to the roots. And it flowers there and puts forth seeds very, very seldom. It spends most of its energy putting its feet on the ground. Horrendously. If it's so strong, will it not break in the wind and the force of the stream? think it will bend but not break.

[18:26]

Do we pursue good or do we practice good? What is good? It's not what's just not evil, is it? It's being there with all existence and being against as little of it as we can be against

[19:31]

Is that good? Or good enough? My achievement today was to get here. And what has given me peace right now is the chanting and the presence of so many good friends and family and the feeling of warmth in this room. Is that all right, Agnes?

[20:39]

I can't see your hands. Well, I mean, relative to the past, not just right now. I know the moment is what counts, but... I think one of the things that I first remember discovering about Zen and Buddhist practice was that we don't collect honors, we don't collect merit badges. We give them away at the end of the sutra. We send it all off someplace. That's not how we proceed. Does that help? It's hard to choose, but I think of two.

[21:52]

I think of when Andrea got up to look out the window because she heard a flapping on the porch and she stood on the tongue. And she saw a bird trapped. She was deciding whether she should leave the zendo. I mean, all this happened in a second to help the bird. And a cat in that second got the bird. And the other was when Huizo Suzuki Roshi was here. And I think We felt a great gratitude to him for giving transmission to Mel so that we could be here in the way that we are here now. The teachings they bring with, to me, children always bring us back to reality.

[23:13]

Whenever we get caught in words, in high ideas, to me they're one of the biggest reality factors. That's a cop-out, get another one. Do you want the same question? Say it again, the answer may be different for you. I think Noah's been talking about honor your intention, and I think we start by honoring our intention, and then determination sometimes follows.

[24:37]

Just so, why don't we sit? We sit to do a better job of standing up and returning to everyday life. Shusho, what is freely giving? Rhonda, you know the answer to that. You're a fine example. Shusa, today my intention also brought me here, back again. My question is, always there.

[25:55]

That question, the big question, is always there, deep, and it doesn't have more words than the answers, does it? Words aren't enough. But welcome back. I'm so delighted to be here. It's just delightful here. So, how do you find the time Why does your day seem to have more hours?

[27:13]

We just said a five day session and I think when we said a five day session we get a different idea of what a moment is. And I think time finds us somehow instead of us finding time. So, how can one not be attached? I always come back to the sewing machine. The old sewing machine gets worn out And the attachments are still there in the drawer. And at some point you empty the drawer. I thought the war had begun because for five days I'd been waking up to clappers and I woke up to the clock radio.

[28:47]

And the sound of the clappers going around the zendo is so gentle and so beautiful a way to wake up. And that clock radio brings that world right under our nose so quickly. She said, how do you, or do you bring your family to sit with you when you come here every time? Sometimes I feel I've left people behind. I know that. I don't think you do that. Do you? I think I carry them in my heart. all the time. I've never organized enough to put their pictures in my wallet, so I have to carry them in my heart.

[29:52]

I have a very difficult year this year, wondering how you know I know it's time to choose. Are you going through the difficulties? Sarah, I think you're always too hard on yourself.

[31:01]

I think you don't honor all that you do for yourself, for your family, and your students. Maybe the path will come to you. Do you sell? Your children have been your harshest critics. How do you withstand their criticism and be at peace with yourself? Because I can hear the love that's much louder than their criticism. She's sober. What does it say? It says, dai shin mitsu zen

[32:17]

It has the same last name as Luz. She said, as we sit, we get to be more awake. And as we wake up, we see the suffering. How can we bear it? to come time after time and feel all the suffering. When we feel that much suffering, I think that's when there's no way except to take refuge in triple treasures. So tell me about play and light and obsession.

[33:33]

First thing I think of is that when you make a pot that's going to hold something, you pay attention to the emptiness, which is the form inside. And the outside takes care mainly of itself. So what is the meaning of life? It's the same and not the same as the meaning of death. Shuso, how do we find our non-attachment to our children instead of our attachment?

[35:05]

It's one of the hardest things to let go of, isn't it? But there's a difference, I think, between the attachments to our children and the attachment to our children as our accomplishment as a reflection of our ego I think we can let go of one and keep a deep attachment in our hearts Can I stop a minute? Because I feel like I didn't finish my answer way back. Is that allowed? You also have to pick up water. I did have to pick up a glass of water. I'd like to go back to your question about what you do when you can feel the suffering of the whole world.

[36:38]

Because I think you take refuge. And then you're ready to go out and work on the suffering of the whole world. Maybe then you know when you can intervene in that suffering. All I really want to do is ride my bike. Take care of your bike really, really well and take care of its suffering and your suffering when you ride it. She saw, as a beginning student, I would like to know, what have you made it? Come as far as you have come and stick with all this practice, all these years.

[37:44]

I've come and I've gone from here. And my practice changed for a while. For a long time I kept trying to find reasons in the practice and excuses why I wasn't here, and I tried to come back, and then when I did come back, I was afraid I'd stop again. And then I stopped to look at myself and found that my practice had just turned to clay for a while. And then I wasn't afraid about leaving again. So, now that practice period is over, what will you do? I'll sit with my face facing the wall. So what is the meaning of death?

[39:02]

I think until we experience that we can only experience it at the bottom of Zazen. Sometimes we experience it in the death of those we love. And something first dies in it, and then they come alive again within us, and it's life and death again, together as one, maybe. How do you keep turning into it? I think it keeps turning into you. You don't have any choice. I think we don't have any choice.

[40:20]

It's only taking the time to look at it. What we want to do is see it. How do you find the courage to look at it? Through practice. What else? Choose so. Sometimes forever. And sometimes we sit in no time. In being time. She's so...

[41:27]

days when in order to practice you'd have to pass through a door with a cone on it that said, music taught here. If you were lucky, you got by an old smelly black dog. And then you'd have to climb stairs forever. And maybe you made it to your seat before a man in black robes with figures had at you the rafters. I asked you, Shiso, where has the past gone? That past is already gone, isn't it? But it's still with us, right here. When I walk on the floors of this cinder, they feel very familiar.

[42:43]

Old friend. You feel like a worm blanket. So, there's a little girl, she's sick. With being there? Okay. She said, what is creative mind? Say that again? What is creative mind?

[43:47]

I thought you said created mind. All mind is creative mind when it's true mind. Just some of the creations we can see and some we can't. And some of our creations keep us from the bottom, don't they? Thank you. You've inspired me a great deal during this practice period, especially you've inspired and helped my leg practice. May I help your leg practice now? Please. I need all the help I can get. Ha ha ha ha ha!

[45:14]

Many people have said, what do you do after this? What's the next step? And the next step is the same step, a lay practice. And boy, this is some lay practice. Before you and Liz were listening to Suzuki Roshi, I was a young person in Ohio, and I read a story, a very short story that I always remember. Today, I think, I remember that story in order to be able to ask you to comment. This is the story. Last night I dreamed I was a butterfly. This morning, I wonder, am I a woman who dreamed I was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming I am a woman?

[46:56]

Please comment. One morning, I dreamt I was sitting Zazen. It was a very realistic dream. My legs hurt. And when I woke up, I was sitting Zazen in Zento. And I still haven't figured out, was I sitting Zazen when I was dreaming I was sitting Zazen? So, I knew a butterfly. I wonder. Thank you, Shiso. Shiso! Why is this night different from all other nights? Because we sit here instead of reclining.

[47:58]

Juso, what one thing in this practice One thing. Everything. Could you be more specific? One thing just followed the other day by day. What did you find? I felt there were expectancies of me, or this person I was supposed to be, and it was very hard for me to let go of that.

[49:03]

To blow my nose when I really needed to blow my nose. And once I could let go of that feeling that I was letting everyone down, I was all right. I found out that I could only be me, and stay on that cushion. Jusso, four big ceremonies in three days. My brain's mush. In times of mush, in times of hard times, confusion, what do you do? But what do you recommend? I depend on my friends. And you? Maybe you can depend on me a little too. Maybe you can give me directions to get me out of the room.

[50:10]

I think we'll manage. Your heart... I love your name. Your Buddhist name. Because it's this big heart, no edge. What do you do to nourish this big heart and the winch? I listen to my children who told me not to be stingy, that I've taken that vow. They're very good trainers in that, but I don't see the big heart. I'm told by others that I have it, but I feel sometimes impatient and sometimes very small, cold. It's quite warm here. So, the other day during Sashin, you told me to take a nap.

[51:17]

I still haven't done it. How is such a headstrong disobedient person, how shall I raise my daughter? You can take a nap together. She won't take naps either. What should we do? If she grows up like her parents, she'll be all right. She won't take naps, but she'll get through. Just so. Great heart, intimate zen. Lungang Donjo said, just this person. Who is this person? Just this one and all.

[52:21]

And all existence. Is that who it is? Are you sure? Don't ask me. I guess that's where the best answer is, I don't know. So, we have the name Zen in our Buddhist name. about the family business, the family occupation. What do you think the Zen family business is? It's everything isn't it?

[53:26]

It's a big business. And it ain't just show business. feel her presence. So at the beginning of the practice period we talked about different sitting styles.

[55:31]

You like clay, me like a stone. I have been enjoying our common nature and I have been instructed by our common nature and feeling that instruction as, for me, warming up in the sun. And what have you been feeling as I felt the sun and the rain. And I remembered that much of many clays was rock before it became clay.

[56:46]

And many rocks were clay before They became rocks. Shuso, you are handling very well that sword that gives life and takes life. How do you give life and how do you take life? How do you do it? I could only handle the sword because it became part of my hand and I forgot that I was holding it. It was holding me, the staff. I didn't think of it as a sword. I know that sometimes it can be.

[57:58]

Do we give and take life or does it give and take us? Maybe I didn't hear your question. She saw where, how, what, and why does the butterfly return. Butterfly returns to cavort with Quan Yin this time to help find her.

[59:06]

on him. Is this the butterfly's idea? I think the butterfly is the idea of all beauty. She must be a big part of the idea of all life. The butterfly knows how to hide and how to show its beauty in time. What about the butterfly's suffering? Each butterfly's suffering is part of the suffering of Buddha, of all suffering, as much as its life is part of all life.

[60:38]

Thank you. What have you learned from Tozan about beings and students? What I've learned from Tozan, I can't separate from what I've learned from everyone this practice period, from every student, and from their effort and energy, and their intentions.

[61:51]

It's all there together with me. with Tulsa. I don't know if I can pull it apart without pulling off its means. So where are you? Right now, right here with you as much as I can be. Shh. When Neil told me to take a drink, I remember sitting at Dwight Way, and I used to smoke four packs of cigarettes a day in those days.

[63:10]

I also weighed 50 pounds less and was 20 years younger. But I coughed and coughed and coughed, and I thought I was sitting very still. But I coughed so much, there were very few minutes in between to sit still. But I never got off the cushion. I made a lot of noise in that zendo. And one day Mel went downstairs, and I was sitting there. I wasn't going to let go. And all of a sudden this glass of water came down in front of me. And it was like if God has a hand. The whole ocean was there. The glass of water came back today. Returns to the source. You're getting ahead of the act.

[64:15]

I wanted to read Suzuki Roshi's translation of Tozan's poem, because to me it seems very accessible. Do not try to see the world as an object. The you which is given as something to see as an object is not you, yourself. I am going my own way now, and wherever I go I meet myself. If you understand that you as an object is not yourself, then you have your own true way. This moment, I feel as if my only strength is in your friendship.

[66:02]

That friendship of Sangha and the Sangha family and friends truly breaks boundaries and lets us be together. Through the support of our Abbot and all of you I have been Head Student I am truly and deeply grateful for the help that you have given me

[67:26]

that I have not been worthy of it. Please forgive my mistakes. If they haven't filled the universe, they have truly filled heaven and earth. If I have misled you Please wash out your ears in the pure silence of the present moment and continue your practice. I will try to deepen mine. Thank you very much. Rebecca, Daishin Mitsuzan, I've been asked to say something on behalf of members of the practice period.

[69:20]

It seems a little presumptuous to me, but actually what I'd like to do is to ask you to do hula for us. Or ask you, what time does the boat leave? For myself, and I'm sure for others, I feel this has been a wonderful six weeks. And I feel that our practice period arose in a real time of trouble, a real time of trial. And you showed us in the practice period and here tonight real meaning of closeness and intimacy. And throughout the ceremony and throughout the whole six weeks, you created a feeling that really helped us to be close with each other. And I can't think of anything more inspiring.

[70:24]

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Hello, Rebecca, old friend. This great heart and intimate zen feels very palpable in the room tonight. It seems that you must have had a very good practice during the day. But keep your eye out for just this person. Just keep your eyes open. Thank you very much. You mentioned the 20 years in the attic, cigarettes.

[71:26]

But there was time between us before that, and that's the beginningless beginnings that they write about in the scriptures. fabulous that you and I and other of our ilk should now be signing up with this guy. You think of all the stops along the way before we came, it's a miracle. So thank you for encouraging those who might not We could do it. Truly old friends. So, Rebecca, I think it's the sound of great compassion in the face of pure detamination.

[72:29]

I'm sorry we were late. I thought the ceremony was 7.30, and when I walked in I saw 7 o'clock and sat on the gate. So I came in frazzled, but now I'm really happy. truly one of the most wonderful nights of my life. They say in the Dharma that things change, but I don't believe it. Some things don't change. And this is, seeing you tonight, hearing you, it's something that has never changed. always has been, always will be.

[73:50]

Sometimes when I think of what the Dharma means, why we practice, what quality we're after, sometimes I think lately it's honesty, a radical honesty, which becomes identical with love. That's how I feel tonight, that's what I'm seeing tonight. Thank you for your great heart. Thank you for making all this together. Rebecca, thank you for doing things your own way.

[75:06]

I remember at Dwightway, I regarded you as an authoritative older student, and also had my first lesson in being a Tenzo from you, and remember particularly the time that you made quiche for the Buddha bowl But I'm serious. And I want to thank you for learning the form in your own way and leaving it and returning to the form with your own way and expression, so much in it. Rebecca, you've shown us very clearly that going your own way, being who you really are,

[76:13]

to see you open everyone up by opening yourself. I appreciate it. Thank you. On this hot, sunny day, it suddenly rained. I don't know how I came to deserve such a student and such a teacher. I want to thank you very much for the high point of my practice period.

[77:49]

And that time for me was when you described the, in abstract expressionist terms, the destroyed sand painting and made it instantly an aesthetic experience in my mind instead of a tragedy of sickness and pain. Thank you. I want to thank you for sharing your mistakes with us. I'm not stingy with those. May our intention equally penetrate every being in place with the true merit of Bodhisattva's word.

[79:37]

Jīyō sanshī Vishnu, Shri Krishna, Buddha, Sangha, The power of community.

[80:26]

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