The diet has worked. Good morning. Good morning. People hear me back there? Yes. Um... Well, before I start, I want to apologize to Mel and to the Sangha for the mistakes that we will make, not on purpose. When Mel speaks, he makes mistakes on purpose. I make mistakes not on purpose. The topic today I'm going to talk about, I was present at the death of my father about two weeks ago and I traveled to Chile for that and so I wanted to talk about that and use some stories, send stories or koans to help bring out the meaning.

[01:21]

The first one is from a book of collections called The Sound of One Hand. And it's the coin 123 there in that collection. And it goes like this. It says, Prince Nata, a mythological figure, tore up his flesh and returned it to his mother. broke up his bones and gave them back to his father. Then he revealed his original body and exercising great magical power, preached the truth for his parents. And that particular book of Koans has a lot of answers to the Koan. And the answer to this one is Songs and dances were performed for you, father.

[02:28]

You must be tired. Mother, you must be tired. Shall I rub your shoulders for you? So this koan expresses the two sides of our relationship to our parents. One is where they teach us and the other side is where we teach them. And this is the song and dance. And, you know, we have the teaching of filial duty. And one of the Ten Commandments is honor your father and your mother. And then we have the teaching of, you know, for example, Jesus throwing his mother out of what he called his father's house.

[03:36]

And of not having also a relationship to the father that raised him. And Tozan also, one of the stories says that Tozan, when his mother was old and came to him for help, he slammed the door in her face. So, you know, our mother and father give us our karmic body because it is a karmic body. And so the story says that he tore up his flesh and returned it to his mother. Here is my karmic body. Broke his bones and gave them back to his father. So we are conceived in a sexual act.

[04:45]

the sexual act of passion or body, karmic body is conceived. And at the same time this very act becomes forbidden knowledge for us. And so our very existence is an act of karmic retribution and yet without karma we wouldn't have a life, which we don't have anyway. We say we have a life, but do we have a life? So what is birth and what is death? Are we alive or are we dead? So, These two sides, you know, mother and father.

[05:46]

Mother on one side, father on the other. There's two faces of the mother, two faces of the father. The mother as the root of desire. As the first object of desire. And as the source of the first self-object, how we take ourselves as objects of our mother's desire. We become attached to our mother and we become attached to ourselves. And becoming attached to ourselves is sort of the other side of becoming attached to our mother. And to cut through attachment to self is to cut severe the attachment to the mother. It's the same thing.

[06:49]

So that's the meaning, I think, perhaps, of Tozan slamming the door on his mother's face. He's severe attachment to self. He's severe attachment to his mother. But that's just only one side. The other side is honor your mother and your father. Mother, you must be tired. Shall I rub your shoulders for you? So the mother, on the other hand, represents compassion. and loving you as a separate subject, no longer her object, but a human being in your own right, and giving to you of her without expecting anything in return. So therefore, it's up to us, it's our duty to honor her.

[07:57]

So, and another koan that we all know is one of Rinzai, who was a radical fellow and obnoxious. And he said, followers of the Tao, if you encounter a Buddha, kill the Buddha. When you encounter a patriarch, kill the patriarch. When you encounter your mother and father, kill your mother and father. Only in this way can you arrive at ultimate liberation. Then you will be non-attached to anything, thoroughly independent and free, thoroughly yourself. And at the same time is the gravest The gravest sin, you know, to kill the Buddha, kill your mother and father. Can't do anything worse than that. So, that's the koan.

[09:09]

Which killing is he talking about? Whose father is he killing? Or who is the father that he's killing? So the father is kind of like the law, you know, that separates us from the mother and from desire. Helps us sort of separate, severe that attachment. But at the same time, creates the illusion of a head above our own. And of being enslaved to duty, to thou shalt. She'll do this, you should do that, and so on and so forth. Who is this should that's telling us, do this, do that? And also what makes us be kind of enslaved to someone else's understanding.

[10:16]

So, because of this aspect, Rinzai is saying, don't put another head over your own head. Who is the Buddha anyway? Is it this external authority that needs to be bowed to? I don't think so. So a central teaching of Buddhism is to realize their own Buddha nature. And that's the direction that the teacher is leading us to. So, but it's often difficult to know, you know, who do we kill? Do we kill ourself or do we kill the parent?

[11:27]

Which one is the false self? Which one is the true self? Is the problem in me or is the problem in the parent? Are they doing this to me or am I doing this to myself? And often, you know, with our teachers, we develop these kinds of issues, you know, and relationships where we think the teacher is being unfair or is doing this or that. And who is it, you know? Is it really the teacher who is, you know, being unfair or is it us, the problem? And more often than not, the problem isn't always in us. So, you know, the ego feels crossed and frustrated and wants to lash out.

[12:29]

So this can't be the meaning of Rinzai's koan of kill your mother and your father and kill the Buddha. because Buddha often personifies that which may be frustrating in some way. You know, we don't get our desire or we want something and we don't get it. And then we get frustrated and angry and we lash out. Yesterday, actually Thursday, I had to give a class for the aspects of practice that we're having. And my son wanted to kill me because I asked him to come with me. And usually Thursdays is a time that I have with the children. At this point, I'm a single father. I mean, I have joint custody, but they're three days a week with me.

[13:34]

And so Thursdays is usually a time they're with me 99% of the time. I'm there, and we're just doing what we're doing, which is usually, you know, well, there's the struggle over homework, right? Then there's the, I'm hungry, and so I go make the food. When the food is already on the table, well, they're busy doing something else, you know. You know how it goes. And then, you know, there's bedtime and all of that, right? So he didn't want to come. His brother was out in a school retreat for three days. So he felt it was very unfair, because if his brother was there, then they could have stayed alone. He wanted to stay alone. I said, no, you're too young to stay alone. He's nine. So he wanted to stay home and play in the computer. So I said, well, not today. You can do that 99% of the time.

[14:35]

But today, we're going to do something else. And so I had talked to Alan and Lori because Noam had played quite nicely with Alexander about two years ago. He remembered exactly. He said, yeah, I had a good time two years ago, but that was already two years ago. And today, I'm not going to have fun with him. And he just wouldn't have it. He just wanted his computer, you know? He said to the last minute, he said, I'm not going. Well, you're coming. No, I'm not going. So finally, I used a subterfuge. I said, well, maybe I'll drop you off at your friend's house. And he said, well, they're not there. I don't think they're there. I said, well, let's go find out. So they weren't there, and so he came here with me.

[15:39]

So then he was hiding in the car, you know, and so I had to go inside and talk to Alexander and enlist Alexander's help in getting him to come out. So actually, Alexander also has Sims, you know, which is a computer game where they construct build houses, which actually is one of the games that I kind of like. So Alexander has Sims, you know, so that was a connection. And then, you know, I connected. But all this thing was, you know, he was telling me that I was selfish because I was putting Zen before my own children. And so I shouldn't have done it, you know, in the name of being kind and not frustrating. And yet, if I don't frustrate him, you know, then he becomes a slave to his own desires, you know, and whims, which are changing all the time anyway.

[16:44]

So that's where you have to say no, you know, and be frustrating, you know, and he'll have to go talk to his therapist in the future, you know. My father forced me to go to the Zen Center, you know, and I hated it, and he was so mean and selfish, you know. So, but it's also night karmic retribution, you know, because as a child, I was like that too. So I could see my father, you know, dealing with the same, dealing with me, you know, as a child. And all you can say is, oy vey, you know. Okay. So, you know, here's where the ego needs to be killed. Um, and, uh, but of course he wanted to kill me. And for him, this frustration appeared to be an injustice.

[17:48]

So, um, So it's hard to tell sometimes, you know, whether the parent or the teacher, you know, we think the parent or the teacher is being unfair. Is that the problem or is it that we're really being very egocentric, you know, and attached to our own ideas? When I went to Chile to do a practice period a couple of years ago, this is kind of the other side, side of independence. I translated the Sando Kai into Spanish. So I used that as an opportunity to have a conversation with my father, because he had a marginal interest in Buddhism.

[18:55]

He had been an agnostic all his life, and a mason for many years. But he was kind of interested, but kind of at a distance. So I thought, well, maybe this. I showed him the Sandokai, you know, and of course he reads and speaks English, but I was showing him how I was translating it. And all of a sudden he became very obstinate and said, no, you shouldn't do this, you know, it's wrong, it's bad for you to translate this text into Spanish. And I said, well, you know, but people here don't understand English, you know, and if I read it in Spanish, they can get the meaning of this teaching. And he wouldn't let go and insisted that I was doing the wrong thing and that I shouldn't do it. So I did it anyway.

[19:58]

But I was not without being frustrated and irritated with him. And sort of scolding him for saying, well, why can't you once in your life acknowledge that you may be wrong and learn something from your children? And so that's the difficulty. When is it that it's I think there may be times where the parent may need to frustrate, other times the parent may be unnecessarily flipping the wings off, you know, his children. And then, in that case, Rinzai's comment may apply. Meaning you have to be yourself.

[21:01]

And actually, sometimes the father may not represent Buddha, but may represent ego. So that's also possible. So these are some of the things that I actually needed to work through with him, you know, and I spent like two years, the last two years before he died, because he had cancer and we knew it was terminal and eventually that's where he was going. So we spent time talking about these kinds of things, talking about Buddhism and talking about death and having some of this conflict sort of be very much there with him and kind of working it out. And I think we got to a place where we both felt kind of at peace with it.

[22:16]

So then he died. And so to talk about his death, I want to use a case of the case 55th of the blue. Blue Cliff Record. It's called Dao Wu, or Dao Wu's Japanese name was Tenno, who was a disciple of Sekito and teacher of Ryotan. And it's called Tenno's Condolence Call. So, it goes like this. The pointer. Secure and intimate with the whole of reality. One obtains realization right there. In contact with the flow. Able to turn things around. One assumes responsibility directly.

[23:21]

As for cutting off confusion in the light of a stone-struck spark, or a flash of lightning, or towering up like a mile-high wall, where one occupies the tiger's head and takes the tiger's tail, this I leave aside for the moment. Minor point. Is there a way to help people by letting out a continuous path or not? To test, I cite this. Look. Case. Da Wu and Qian Yuan went to a house to make a condolence call. Yuan hit the coffin and said, alive or dead? Wu said, I won't say alive and I won't say dead. Yuan said, why won't you say?

[24:27]

Wu said, I won't say. Halfway back as they were returning, Yuan said, tell me right away, teacher. If you don't tell me, I'll hit you. Wu said, you may hit me, but I won't say. Yuan then hit him. Later, Da Wu passed away. Yuan went to Shi Huang, not sure if I'm pronouncing correctly, and brought up the foregoing story. Shi Huang said, I won't say alive and I won't say dead. Same thing. Yuan said, why won't you say? Shi Huang said, I won't say, I won't say. At these words, Yuan had an insight.

[25:28]

One day, Yuan took a hole into the teaching hall and crossed back and forth from east to west and west to east. Xuan said, what are you doing? Yuan said, I'm looking for relics of our late master. You imagine somebody during work period, you know, coming in with a hole into their zendo, you know, looking for Suzuki Roshi. Shiwang said, vast waves spread far and wide, vast waves spread far and wide, foaming billows flood the skies. What relics of our late master are you looking for? Suetol's Adler comments saying, heavens, heavens.

[26:32]

Yuan said, this is just where I should apply effort. Fu of Taiyuan said, the late master's relics are still present. That's the case. You know, the pointer is interesting. It says, secure and intimate with the whole of reality. One obtains realization right there. That's kind of how I felt when I got there. And when I got there, he was lying on his bed and breathing, just breathing, but he was unconscious. So he was in the death trance.

[27:36]

So it's like the corn. Well, here is the body, but where's the person? Or here's the body, but where's the mind? And I felt quite serene, actually, in his presence. And he was breathing, and it reminded me of kind of breathing and this kind of breathing we do in Sashin. His body was doing Zazen, you know, just one breath at a time. That's all that was going on, just one breath at a time. So where was he? So I felt like this feeling of security, it didn't make me feel insecure. You know, you could feel like, you know, oh, your father kind of contains you, or as a child makes you feel protected, safe, you know, base kind of thing.

[28:52]

So if the base is not there, then, you know, you're insecure. But I felt actually quite secure. And So I had the sense that he was there in the place of death preceding me. So it was okay to be there. It was okay for me to be there and it was okay for him to be there where he was. And maybe he was kind of leading the way, opening the way, just as he was there at the time of my birth. And my mother was there at the time of my birth, opening the way. So this is alive or dead knocking on the coffin.

[30:02]

Alive or dead. And I won't say, I won't say. So was he alive or was he dead? But he was there, but he wasn't there. I had spoken with him on the phone before. And we said goodbye on the phone. And I told him that he would always be with me. And then I sat there with him while he was, you know, there breathing.

[31:09]

And then all of a sudden he would open his eyes. But it was kind of a gaze of looking into infinity. You know, that kind of gaze that he was there, but again, he wasn't there, alive or dead. kind of eyes that don't discriminate. A little bit like, like a baby, you know, when a baby's born has this kind of gaze of non-discrimination. They're there, their eyes open, just looking, but not discriminating. And then when he died, kind of went on his back and I had a sense of a great surrender and his face became radiant.

[32:26]

And then he had this kind of smile, kind of smile that's non-localizable in the face, just the whole face is smiling, but it's not the lips that are smiling. So where is this? The koan at the end ends with, this is just where I should apply effort. And the late master's relics are still present. So how do we apply effort to realize the presence of the teacher in our midst, in our life? So we say that in the case of Suzuki Roshi, Mel talks about him a lot. And then sometimes we have a ceremony once a year where we talk to Suzuki Roshi.

[33:41]

And so is he alive or dead? Sometimes when we're doing kinning, I have a sense that he's doing kinning there with us. So this story of Dawu, or Tenno, also reminded me of another story where he brings an offering of food to Realtown. No, Ryo-Tan made an offering of tea cakes to Dao Wu. And Dao Wu gave him four tea cakes. He took three and returned one. He said, well, why are you returning me the cake if I'm giving you the cakes?

[34:45]

And he says, well, what's wrong to restore to you what originally belonged to you? So, So temporarily, the father occupies the place of our true self, but then he gives it back to us. Then in another story, another story of Tozan, where when he was a young student Tozan visited Nansen who was a student of Baso and Baso had already passed away and they were going to make offerings to Baso so Tozan comes in and Nansen is getting ready to make offerings to Baso and And Nansen asked the assembly whether the assembly thought that if they made offerings to Basa, whether Basa would come.

[35:56]

And so nobody said anything. And Tozan got up and answered that Basa would come, was just waiting to come as soon as he found his companion. that, you know, the spirit of our ancestors is transmitted, you know, through the generations as ourself, as our own self. So, they live within us. And then, Nansen said, although this man is a youth, he's excellent material to carve and polish. And Tozan said, let not the venerable abbot debase a free man into a slave. Meaning that the true self or character is not a tamed animal.

[37:10]

So it looks like we're being carved a character by our parents actually and that may feel like enslavement in some kind of way. But actually this character has no substance. There's no self, even though there is a self, there is a character. What is this character? So he says, let not the venerable abbot debase a free man into a slave. And then Tozan, when he separated from his teacher, The teacher says, well, it's going to be difficult now to see each other anymore.

[38:15]

And Tozin responds, it's going to be difficult not to see each other. It's going to be difficult not to be together. And it's funny, in some way, you know, since my father's death, I feel closer to him than I ever did before. And I have this sense of his presence very intimately close, and yet it's nowhere. Where is it? So in that sense, his death was also a birth. Whose birth? His or mine? And yet, although I feel him near me, I also feel very much distinctly myself.

[39:21]

So Tosun says, he is even now what I am, and I am even now not what he is. So I also had to come back, believe it or not, in time for my son's bar mitzvah. So I had to make it there in time before his death and I had to make it back on time before my son's bar mitzvah. So kind of a cycle of birth and death and my son's sort of birth into maturity and feeling also that I have to bring the blessings of my father to his grandson, to my children, to pass on in this kind of circle of life.

[40:37]

So then this way our karmic attachments these relationships then become gates of teaching or understanding or the very meaning of emancipation. You know, because these are, the parent-child relationship is something that we, you know, that tied to our birth and then our death and the lineage of generations and our relationships that we have forever whether we want them or not or whether we're close or not they're relationships that we have forever so it behooves us to penetrate the question of birth and death and the meaning of

[41:50]

of togetherness and separateness and attachment and non-attachment. So, I think that's all I have to say and welcome any questions or suggestions or anything you would like to say. Yes? You say that Father represents the true self and then he gives it back to you. He gives it back to you when he dies. Well, that's one way of understanding his death. That his death is your birth. Thank you.

[42:56]

I see. Okay. Yes, Ellen. is something that's beyond words, but it's a whole lot easier to have it when there's no words being exchanged. and his teacher, and then Dawoud, and his subsequent teacher, that's also, they kept trying to point beyond words, and yet their intention wasn't words until they were free.

[44:50]

I'm not sure what I'm getting at. Yeah, well, words can bind you, but they can also liberate you. The meaning is not in the words, but it's not beyond words either. And what you're saying reminded me of something that I forgot to mention, which I thought of mentioning it, that actually he was having trouble passing. And my stepmother and my brother and my sister were concerned that his body was struggling too much and that he needed to rest, needed to pass. So my sister comes in and tells me, well, you know, I think he can't let go. And he can't let go. because we need to be able to forgive him.

[45:57]

And also, by the way, he died right before Yom Kippur, which is a day of forgiveness and repentance. So my sister needed to get something off her chest, but she was thinking also that whatever she needed to get off her chest was related to him not being able to let go. And so we sat down, and my sister had a more difficult relationship with my father. My father tended to be more, show more his kind of mean streak with her. And so we sat down and had a conversation about his life and some of the difficulties that we had experienced and that she had experienced with him. And one of the things that we talked about, you know, the failure of their marriage and my father's remarrying

[47:18]

the great loss that he, it's a long story, but he kind of set it up to be left by my mother and then always regretted it. He never got over it, actually. And then so he had a bitter side, but he didn't have anybody else to blame but himself. But in some way, he took it out on us because we were, you know, our mother's children. And so then I said something like at some point that he would be able to rise, you know, from the ashes when he was able to realize that his spirit would rise with us. And that our rise was not his demise.

[48:23]

And at that point, he passed away. Were you having this conversation? We were having it in one room. We were in the room right next. And as I said that, my brother-in-law called us. He passed. So, yes? For those of us who don't have children, and more and more people in our culture don't have children, and when we die, we haven't passed our comic destiny on to anybody, and we have tried probably to work out as much of it as we could, but we won't work it all out. And so I start to see this building pile of constipated karmic dust in the toilet. So, what do you think?

[49:28]

Flush it. Well, there'll be those that may be around you. When you pass, you know, this sangha, the larger sangha, you know, those people that are going to be around you and that you're going to have relationships with and your karma is going to be intertwined with them or with us. A word that has come up in my lexicon is transparent, something that is transparent, and that there is something that has

[50:40]

Yeah, so truly speaking, the parent is in Buddha's place, but that's not always transparent. So the transparent is Buddha, or Buddha nature. But it isn't always transparent that our parent is in the place of Buddha. We remember this.

[51:52]

@Text_v004
@Score_JJ