The realization of a wellspring nourishing me. My knees come and go. I notice that my balance and strength decrease as I am obsessed with my aging and my health concerns. On the 23rd of February, old well, a fish leaps, dark sound. After such a bleak day, gathering flowers, doing cheating work gives great joy in this desert landscape. Naps make everything possible. So that gives you some flavor of the physical life which was very rugged and I don't think anything can describe that awakening at 345 in the 30 degree cabin and realizing that this will occur day after day.

[01:19]

I did ask Sojin what would be the most useful thing I could do at Tassajara And he said, throw yourself completely into the schedule. Don't hold back at all. Don't fight the schedule. So I really tried my hardest to keep that as a focus. On the 11th of February, just think of the trees. They let the birds perch and fly with no intention to call them when they come and no longing for their return when they fly away. If people's hearts can be like the trees, they will not be off the way. Tiredness and hopelessness. Nothing will save me. No one will validate me, priest me, stop this aging, or fix my health problems. on the 27th of February.

[02:28]

For all these years my certain Zen, neither I nor the world exist. The sutras neat within the box, my cane hooked upon the wall. I lie at peace in moonlight or hearing water splashing on the rock. Sit up. None can purchase pleasure such as this. Spangled across the step moss, a million coins. One of the particular trials for me was that I was a Doan, learning how to ring the bells at Tassajara, and this was my first practice period, so I was a little overwhelmed. That's why I had so strong a relationship to the flowers, because I was such a lightweight in terms of my competence, that I was given the job of arranging the flowers, while I kind of tried to catch up to the rest of the Doan candidates. Trying to get out of nightmare mode with the Doan tasks.

[03:35]

The fear strips me bare, but it's becoming a habit. I have a realization about the ultimate hoarding. Hoarding for myself. Not being able to tolerate the idea of not having chocolate in my room. I don't eat it. 21st of January. To be a proper abode for God and fit for God to act in, a man should be free from all sayings and actions, both inwardly and outwardly. With Mel's arrival, I saw myself turned around, also realizing the attempted gathering of narcissistic supplies and how this provides negative energy. The next morning, I could see the heat out of the situation. Different times of day, different dangers. It's great to have the situation to redo over and over, to watch oneself get caught.

[04:37]

And it's all about not wanting to be nothing. On the 25th of January, Zazen practice is a direct expression of our true nature. Strictly speaking, for a human being, There is no other practice than this practice. There is no other way of life than this way of life. Craving craves cravings. Anger angers anger. Fear fears fear. Where is the subject? Where is the object? Desiring to be desired, to be something. Something is separated and desired to enhance that which isn't. On the 17th of February, someone asked, it is said that all Buddha's teaching comes from this scripture. What is the scripture? When Sui answered, it is always being recited.

[05:38]

I give a way-seeking mind talk. The next day, there are tears for the rain, tears for my husband, loving me, regaining something of myself, my humanity. Letting it go as deep as I can, the layers of protection are vaporized. There are so many layers gone that I feel like my organs are walking around in my robes. Shannon and I actually got to give our way-seeking mind talks on the same night. And the next day, she came to me and said, I feel really exposed. And I said, I think I do too, but maybe that's the point. both had an experience, even though we've done way-seeking mind talks before, of doing it in a deeper way, and then having to live with what was said. Let's see, what did we say?

[06:49]

This is the 27th of March already. And so this is in the middle of the seven day session. 49 years, what a din. 87 springs, what pleasures. What's having, not having. Dreaming, dreaming. Plum trees, snow laden, I'm ready. Dawn today. My period seems to gather gale force contractions. I forget to light the altar for service, leave and sleep through breakfast. Come back to the Eno's question, can you be Doan? He has to write a note because we're in a silence as she, and my response to him is, in writing, this question is too deep. And then he corrects it to say, aren't you Doan today? Because nobody took care of the tasks. And I say yes. But I also found a note that I wrote about that day.

[07:54]

Yesterday I was laughing because my period came with such demonic force that when it finished destroying my body and mind, it exploded my Zafu, sending kapok all over my Zabton. And at that point, All of my agony became funny. Or some of my agony became funny. And here's more about my interaction with practice. 12th of February. That which man acquires by contemplation, he should spend in love. Working with moderation. I'm fussing over my orioke cloths. I realize I can only fold the underneath cloth if I pay attention to the bowl. I look at it and study it with regards to the wiping board and the bowl.

[08:55]

This was an ongoing drama for me, folding my orioke cloths. Usually, you know, in this setting I feel reasonably able, but I sat between the most perfect doers of orioke that I noticed in the zendo. And they were so fast that no matter how hard I tried, they would always have their bowls out, their cloths folded perfectly, and I'd still be stumbling. And I would struggle every day trying to see where I went wrong, trying to watch them, trying to see how they did it faster. And finally I came to a realization that it was my relationship to the cloth itself that mattered and not how I did it in relation to my neighbors. That was just going to be what it was. On the 26th of February, don't seek reality, just put an end to opinions. Today, I am leveled and humiliated by my Doan tasks and the laxative I take.

[10:02]

I miss the end bell for lecture because I have to go to the bathroom. The bells I ring come out uneven, like bursts of energy. Doing this practice with human frailties, being exposed, trying to weave perfect fabric, but it's the little mistakes that give it character. On the 21st, of February, it's not the same to talk of bulls as to be in the bullring. Seeing how the schedule helps with viewing obsessions, having to stay in a party for three months, it's so important or it became evident to me with my own struggles that I needed to just keep letting go of things that I thought I needed to do. For one thing, I had my hair buzzed really short because having a hairdo was more of an obsession than a necessity.

[11:05]

I didn't have time to comb it, I didn't want to put cold water on it in the morning when it was sticking up, and I didn't want to spend time using the hairdryer to get it dry after my bath. So you begin to see all the things that you need to let go of in order to stay healthy so you can stay in the party for three months. On the 2nd of March, in the scenery of spring, nothing is better, nothing worse. The flowering branches are of themselves, some short, some long. Trying to suck narcissistic supplies out of anything. I don't exist, just a pile of skandhas visited by it. Chanting, ringing bells, done out of love of sangha, not a performance. On the 30th of March, a heavy cart rumbles by and the peonies quiver. I think we're in the peak of our seven-day silent session.

[12:09]

All day is spent listening to grumping, my own, except for joy of the chitin and flowers, which look like a vulva with red penis stuck. Do not want to waste, and that is not wanting to waste, all this talk in my head. I'm like a conductor announcing all the stops and sights on a train unnecessarily. It reminded me the settling of self on self of something that happens in infancy. When a newborn is hungry, the folds of the stomach touch and it creates a great deal of pain. So the baby cries to be fed. And for me, experience of the self settling on the self was very much like the folds of the stomach touching. On the 31st of January, someone asked Shui Do, what is the living meaning of Zen?

[13:19]

Shui Do said, the mountains are high, the oceans are wide. I have a breakthrough to the real experience of the contents, not the body, not the mind, just a container, or just a container, but I have an experience of the contents. What is life for? To make room for the contents. What are the contents? All of my pursuits, both physical and mental, have allowed me to see this. So I had this wonderful experience around the end of the first month of letting go of my obsessions with my health and how I was going to survive physically, and seeing that I was this container, and my mental activity and my physical activity, if they were balanced, would allow me to just taste it, this contents that came and went.

[14:21]

through this container. On the last day of the practice period, your prayer should be, that was April 6th, your prayer should be, break the legs of what I want to happen, humiliate my desire, eat me like candy, it's spring, and finally, I have no will. So I thought you might have some questions for me. On the practice period, you said, I can't do that now. I have to process it now. And now you have offered us the unprocessed. Still.

[15:23]

I just wondered where. Yeah, well, I thought I was going to process it. But I didn't. And Sharon? Thank you. everything, but I think what I've realized now that I'm back is that my despair is just my despair. And when I was there, I thought my despair had something to do with what was going on. And now I seem to just be able to tolerate my despair. Yes. Thank you. Yes. It's hard to know whether I'm a hypochondriac or a hyphalchine indolent.

[16:32]

I have an ongoing discussion with my husband about this. But I seem to be allergic to lots of foods and I have this wonderful karma in this lifetime of being allergic to grains and soy. and there wasn't a heck of a lot else to eat at Tassara. So I needed to find some way of doing this practice given these problems and to really explore whether these allergies were there or I was just recreating them every moment. So it was really an interesting practice. What did you find out? They're there, but so are all my neuroses. So it's hard to separate. There's too many confounding variables. But what I found was that if I was just moderate in the way I ate, I could pretty much do anything. And that meant that I ate a little bit of things, and then when they served something I wasn't allergic to, I didn't overeat. When I did that, I had lots of problems. But when I just ate a little bit of everything, I was okay.

[17:34]

How did you survive without shopping? I shopped. I had a very vivid experience and intimate experience with the Godiva 800 express line for Godiva chocolates. And I remember just before, about a week or two before Sashin being on the phone, on that terrible solar phone, they have it in Tassajara, and it's one, by the way, the number is 1-809-GODIVA. And I was on the phone and she was saying, I'm having trouble hearing you. And I said, I don't care if you're having trouble hearing me. I'm in a monastery. I'm about to enter a silent session. Take the damn order and get the chocolates here before 16. And as I said, the urgency about the chocolates was not necessarily eating them. But the notion of not having any in my room was more than I could bear, or so I thought.

[18:42]

Yes? What arose hereby after that phone conversation? What arose? Addiction. The notion of my own addiction and my hoarding and my own relationship to it. But my experience with the chocolate demon in Tassajara was very worthwhile. In fact, I talked to Leslie James, director, about it. I said, you know, before I came to Tassajara, I would only eat dark chocolate, and sometimes chocolate with nuts. Now, I'll eat chocolate with fruit in it, and chocolate with different flavors in it. But I still haven't gotten to eating white chocolate. And she said, well, it's only been one practice period. Don't ask too much. What's important to you about being, quote, a mother-in-law or being 50?

[20:00]

Well, I guess I have a lot of ideas about both. So, encountering my ideas about these things and being these things is a very rich experience. My own relationship with my mother-in-law has been somewhat strained. And, you know, quite rationally, she's probably you know, as good as most, and not as good as Maile. Maile had an excellent mother-in-law. And so my lessons that I've learned from my own mother-in-law are something that I hope to use. And about being 50, there's something about settling in to aging. that's undeniable at this point.

[21:22]

Great. Well, thank you for your talk. What was your experience of the Sangha at Tassajara? And how did that impact your practice? It was really wonderful. It was really one of the most powerful forces that I had not anticipated. And for those of you who know me, besides my obsession with chocolate, my obsession with sex and sexuality, which arises after sitting, is really a powerful force that I've struggled with. And one of the ways I found to work on it was rather than focus on my particular lust objects, which I did, was to try to really love everyone in the practice period. And that provided a wonderful outlet for feelings. And I was really deeply touched by the sincerity of the people in the practice period. I don't know what I had imagined before I went there, you know, that people were just going there to hang out.

[22:25]

I mean, people go through so much trouble to get there, and it's such a difficult task, but I was really struck by the sincerity with which people were practicing and meeting themselves. So it was really wonderful to have this very, very big family. When we went to Japan, a group of women, 12 of us, we felt like we had created a healthy family for ourselves. And so I had that feeling in Tassajara too, of reliving many dramas in a healthier family environment. not having a choice about someone being abusive to you and then doing a practice that can feel physically abusive at times and how you dealt with that relationship.

[23:39]

Yeah, it was really the heart of what was going on for me there was dealing with that. I realized that the reason I hadn't done a practice period sooner was that I needed to turn myself over and I really wasn't ready to turn myself over to anybody you know, for a long time, for a lot, it took a long time practicing before I was willing to trust anyone with me. And my physical problems, I agree, have a lot to do with the lack of choices and this inability to say no to things. Because I feel that children who are being abused, and that's my work as a psychologist, I work a lot with kids, need to either act out or act in or go crazy. And in my case, in my early childhood, it was definitely acting in. And the no was happening at a cellular level to the food that my body was being presented with. And a lot of the lack of flexibility was happening around food.

[24:41]

There was that atmosphere of punitiveness and repressiveness and forcefulness about mealtimes so that there was a lot of transfer there. So staying right on the mark was really important in terms of letting go over and over again, both of suffering and attachment. Because if I didn't, I felt like I was in a prison camp run by obsessive compulsives. The motivation to practice and to practice sincerely is very strong. I too am struck by the degree of severity of this particular practice. in a practice that was more open.

[26:00]

Yeah. I love Gin's story about that, trying everything, trying to go to Elizabeth Arden for the works, taking time off, indulging herself. And if that worked for me, I'd already be enlightened. No, I'm trying to say that my own experience is that somehow meeting this practice takes off some of the layers for me. So if something else worked that was more gentle, I'd certainly be there. What that negation is, is taking away our concepts or ideas of what it is that we're experiencing.

[27:02]

We still have the experience, but without the filters of what kind of dog has Buddha nature? Smart dogs? Stupid dogs? Three-legged dogs? It doesn't matter. I told this story some years ago. When I was living in New York, I was on a subway with some friends and we looked around and there wasn't anybody else in the car and the cars on either side were filled up with people and we realized that the air conditioner was not working in this particular subway car. So my friends elected to go over to the credit card where there was an air conditioning and be more comfortable.

[28:13]

And I decided to sit by myself in the hot car. Now, there was heat down below in New York in the summertime. It gets very hot in the subways. It gets very hot. There was heat. But within a few moments of sitting there, there was just sweat. We can look at sweat as compassion or the manifestation of emptiness. and the emptiness being the causes and conditions of that subway car. If I were to comment on what I was doing in the subway car and I was being just hanging out there and dealing with my pain or suffering and all that, that's all extra.

[29:22]

But just sitting there and sweating is in fact compassion, which is pure expression and not being separate from what is. It doesn't mean that I'm a nice guy or not a nice guy. It just means not being separate from what is. And it's okay to go into an air conditioned car.

[30:31]

It's okay to be comfortable. But at a certain point, and just deal with what's arising. And that's the beauty of zazen, that we actually see that we can't go anywhere. We're sort of locked into this position. And whereas the pain that we typically feel is very restricted, sort of egocentric pain, there's a selfless pain or a non-ego pain where you just feel pain and it's much more expansive. And be it good karma, good fortune, or just plain old luck,

[31:36]

Once in a while we get a taste of that, where we get out from ourself and we sit or we walk or we lie down and we actually feel the suffering of others. the part of the heart suture where it says form is no other than emptiness, emptiness no other than form is a really important line in that there is form and there is emptiness and they in fact are two phenomenon or two aspects of Buddha nature. So form equals emptiness, emptiness equals form.

[32:41]

And the way the teaching helps us, it enables us not to attach to one side or the other. We typically, before practice, attach to the relative side, the form side, and then we start practicing We attach to the emptiness side, and at some point it levels out and we realize that it's in fact both, and that paradox is very difficult to hold. But that's what we have to practice with, the matrix of eyes horizontal and nose vertical. And it's constantly changing. We have a few minutes left to entertain a couple of questions and in the class there will be more discussion and people sharing their own experiences of this.

[33:53]

Yes There's a part of making a a choice or decision, but the choices and decisions that we make are not independent of causes and conditions that preceded our life. So people think I can just do whatever I want, but we can't because we can just make choices. Yeah, talk some more about it. I think that when we slow down and stare at a wall, we start seeing the causes and conditions that have produced us.

[35:24]

we then have the opportunity to lessen our suffering by seeing the trail that's been left behind. So as far as free will is concerned, I get a taste of a similar situation that I'm about to step into. So then there's a choice. I can go in with my eyes open, or I can just say, oh, it's a new opportunity, and just go for it. And then situations unfold, and then in fact, I find myself in a very similar situation as before. So our practice is about being conscious and being awake. So what about wasting time? that you have the choice to waste time or to not waste time? Well, in one sense there is no such thing as wasting time. We're just sitting here doing nothing.

[36:33]

That's the story of Well, that's this again, right? I can be more diligent in studying and coming to understand the Buddha's teaching and at the same time give myself a break and take a rest. That's how I understand it. There's diligence and there's rest and just being with whatever it is. If I feel tired, take a rest. If you like studying, study. But typically we err on the side of being lazy. Well, not everybody. Maybe some people are really into like, maybe they need to take a break. So this middle way is trying to balance out our lives that's healthy. And it's not for everybody.

[37:37]

There's about 50 people or so in this room And just think of all the things that are going on now, outside of here, in other people's lives and venues and all that. It takes a lot of work. And cause and conditions have brought us all here, and we can point to things, but ultimately, we don't know why we're here. It's really, really strange. Yes. When you mentioned about the telephone call last night and this morning, and how you... Let's see if I can reproduce what you said. When you mentioned about the telephone call last night and about emptiness, emptiness is one of my qualms. When I hear the word emptiness, I try to remind myself it means empty of a separate self.

[38:46]

Right. So when you were talking about the conversation last night and the fact that you were not in emptiness, at least that's what I heard. I misunderstood you. Were you meaning you were reacting? I mean, things arise. Yes, right. And the question is not to stop things from arising. They're going to arise. You're going to have feelings, right? I'm not going to have feelings. The question is, what do I do when those feelings arise? Am I able to be with the feelings, or do I then get attached to the feelings, identified and run with them? Well, our practice is lessening suffering and feeling separate is going to cause suffering. And during the phone call, those feelings that arose, I could feel myself and I can feel at the other end a lot of pain.

[40:03]

and a lot of suffering, and the phone call could have gone on for hours or not. All we can do is really take care of ourselves. Knowing that I needed to work on this talk, the conversation had to end. The suffering didn't end, but the conversation in that moment ended. and without getting the pachinkos of what we were talking about and all that, it felt appropriate to do that. Sometimes the compassionate thing doesn't appear so compassionate, and that's what I was experiencing last night. Like what Kelly was asking, earlier, well, I have a choice, I could just carry on this conversation, but seeing a certain pattern there, I realized, no, this isn't the healthiest thing, and it's going to perpetuate suffering, at least that was what I thought, I still feel that way.

[41:21]

So, you know, hang up the phone, offer some incense, do a bow or two, and try better, try again next time. That's the form side. The emptiness side is, this is just what's happening. You know, tenseness in shoulders, irritability, all that is just what's going on. It's not better, not less. We want phone calls, we want our relationships to go a certain way, but good luck, they wind up going these other roads and other ways. So how do we kind of bring it back right to the center here? It's not so easy. One of the pointers' statements was on the, there was, behind things was a kind of essence.

[42:44]

I can't get the exact quote. It seems to me that then later when you were speaking, you were speaking how the horizontal and the vertical come together in some other ways, emptiness and form. So I was wondering, oh, why do we need to have appearance and essence? In other words, do we need to have an ultimate reality behind things? And it seems to me at a point of Well, the reason we have that is because we live in the world of duality. We all experience that oneness and we just sort of merge with the mountain or whatever, but the fact is, unless we're living a hermetic life, we're in the world of relationship, but it's important to see the mountain as ourself.

[44:19]

And then, as Dogen said, mountains are, at first, before practice, mountains are mountains and rivers are rivers. And then at some point in practice they're just merging. Mountains are no longer mountains and rivers are no longer rivers, it's just what is. And then with that experience we go back into the world and in fact we're relating differently, but with the experience of that oneness. So that's what our job is, is to see the oneness and then go out in a relationship to things having seen the interrelatedness of all. that, and these various constructs that we talk about, you know, horizontal and vertical, matrices and leaves and stuff like that, are just upaya or skillful means to talk about something which is what we experience. So we're experiencing all this stuff all the time, but we need things in order to convey it.

[45:23]

some of the most important compassionate acts is just being with someone and not saying anything at all. Well, how do you explain that? Well, there's a way of explaining all the various things psychologically that's going on between two people and certain energies and all that. But when you get down to it, it's like you said. It's just that synergy and that feeling between two people. And Believe me, part of me would just like to be here and not have to say anything. We just experience each other and feel each other. And that's what we do during Sashim, during our retreats. But at 1010 and 1931 Russell Street, we talk. And it feels like sometimes we talk too much. I'm certainly guilty of it. And by the look of the dawan, who is also a timekeeper, we've talked too much. We can talk some more outside in the garden.

[46:30]

So I encourage everyone to really listen to the words of the Heart Sutra. We chant it every day. Don't take it for granted. There's really a lot there. And I hope that we can unveil more of it in that class.

[46:55]

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