Well, yesterday you may have noticed that I wasn't here in the late afternoon and evening and I'll explain why I wasn't here. I don't know, I think maybe some of you or most of you may know who Ihsan is. Ihsan is the abbot of Isanji, the Hartford Street Zen Do in San Francisco, which is gay Zen Do. And it started out as the Hartford Street Gay Men's Club or something, and then turned into the Hartford Street Zen Center. And they asked Isan to be the priest there. Then, when AIDS started becoming, people started succumbing to AIDS in great numbers, it became a kind of hospice for gay men dying of AIDS.

[01:18]

And so, it had a number of functions, which were kind of mixed up with each other. Isan himself, being an old female impersonator and entertainer, he used to work at Finocchio's in the 50s, and then became a Zen student. Well, he worked in the 60s, he became a Zen student and reformed his life. But he still had a lot of contact with the gay community. And actually, in the course of time, developed AIDS himself. And he was installed as Abbott not very long ago by Baker, who is still his teacher.

[02:21]

I can't remember exactly when that was, but it wasn't very long ago. And recently he had bone marrow cancer and it looks like he's not going to last very long at all. He's very weak. So they called a hasty mountain seat ceremony in order to have another abbot. I don't know if any of you know Steve Allen, who has been a Zen student for quite a number of years, and is actually an Isan student. He's rather young, and I hope it works. He's not gay. It's very difficult to be a straight abbot of the Gedi Zendo.

[03:29]

But anyway, so yesterday we had this ceremony, which if any of you have seen my ceremony or some other mountains ceremony, you know it's very elaborate and complex. so forth. But this ceremony is very simple. There were some people who were invited. Usually it's a very public ceremony, but this ceremony was not so public. Just some of Ihsan's friends and associates. And he was very weak. He couldn't really even put his robes on. very wonderful, and he's always the entertainer. So he said some very nice things like, I think I'm supposed to do something like give somebody something here.

[04:43]

It's about as much as he could handle. And Steve said something like, I would never do this for anybody in the world but you. And that was about it. They offered some incense and then he went back to bed. It was very touching and simple in the way we actually would like to do everything. So I don't know. So, today, yesterday I was talking about Oumoung's koan.

[05:49]

Everyone has their own light, but if we look for it, when you try to look for it, it becomes utter darkness. In our Soto practice, we have various names for what we do. We say Shikantaza is our practice. And sometimes we say Jijuyu Zamae is our practice. And sometimes we say Komyozo Zamae is our practice. Or sometimes we say Hokkyo Zamae is our practice. These are various terms for one practice, but we use different terms in order to look at it, or describe it, or focus on it, depending on what our focus is.

[07:09]

Komyo, as I said yesterday, means light, means radiant light, or you could say divine light, if there was a divinity. But that meaning is... Radiant is a little divine is a little too established. So there must be some word that fits, but I don't know exactly what it is yet. So this komyozo is komyozo zamai. Zamai is samadhi, and samadhi

[08:22]

Strictly speaking, literally speaking means concentration, but we could say immersion, or you could say intuition, which means directly it. So Samadhi is maybe direct from the source, directly abiding, directly abiding in the source. So, komyo zo zamae may be, you could say, directly abiding in the source of light, which is But samadhi, you know, there are various kinds of concentrations.

[09:33]

There's concentration at a horse race or a movie or eating or something, which are all good things. But samadhi is a non-dual concentration. Directly abiding means abiding in non-duality. So maybe abiding in the non-duality of radiant light, moment to moment. And then another term is jijuyu zamae. Jijuyu means self-joyous. or usually translated as self-joyous samadhi.

[10:36]

It means the joy of abiding in non-duality, the source of non-duality, which is our true nature, freed from dullness and distraction. When we read about, Dogen talks about zazen, he says, and to be free from dullness and distraction. Sit zazen, free of dullness and distraction. So it's good to clarify those terms. Distraction means grasping things or letting something interfere, like thoughts or feelings or emotion.

[11:45]

And dullness means trying to blank the mind. a lot of meditation practices, people try to get rid of thought, or they try to get rid of distraction, or interference. If you just get rid of the interference, everything would be okay. If we just get rid of the bad, then we'll have the good. That's logical, but it's logically dualistic. And many meditation practices are based on this dualistic idea. And this is what Dogen refers to when he's talking about the Hinayanas and the Pracheka Buddhists and the Shravakas.

[12:51]

When he's criticizing, that's what he's talking about. He's talking about the Buddhist state of mind, which is always falling into duality. So dullness, in this case, means trying to create a blank mind. If you create a blank mind, then you fall into dullness, which some people think is the highest state of mind. So, not falling into dullness or distraction is Dogen's way of talking about non-duality. Not abiding in blankness and not abiding in distraction.

[13:53]

This is the koan of Zazen. And it's the koan of zazen as we extend it in our daily life. So it's the koan of not grasping and not rejecting. Black mind is like rejection. A grasping mind, or a distracted mind, is grasping. Whatever we grasp for is a distraction. Have you noticed that? Whenever we want to hang on to something, or get something, or grasp something, it's a distraction from something.

[14:58]

It's a distraction from a peaceful mind. or non-inviting. But our life is based on distraction, and we take it for granted. It's normal. Distraction is normal. And we're always setting up distractions for ourselves and for each other. This is called the world of toys. And the toys bring us pleasure one way or another. We have peaceful toys, and we have war toys. Right now, the government is playing with war toys. And really, it's toys of distraction. Big toys and dangerous toys.

[16:02]

But it's normal. And then we don't want those toys sometimes, so we want the other kind of toys. Nice things. Nice automobiles. Nice houses. This and that. Anyway, I'm not criticizing so much, because it's just the way we are. But it's the way things are. So it's pretty hard to abide in between dullness and distraction. It's really hard to stay out of dullness or distraction. There are several kinds of middle way.

[17:11]

One kind of middle way is to always, you know, not to go to extremes. But the other kind of middle way, meaning of middle way, is not to be caught by dullness or distraction, or to transcend duality. This is Nagarjuna's middle way, transcending duality. And this is our practice to not be caught by anything. In order to have this understanding and to practice this way, we have to let thoughts appear, we have to allow pain to arise, we have to allow pleasure to arise.

[18:30]

Everything arises. Everything arises and disappears, comes and goes. So, in G.G.U. Samadhi, this self-joyous samadhi, everything arises and disappears. So, there's no special state of mind to achieve. The only special state of mind is no special state of mind, because states of mind are constantly arising. without end. But if we grasp any state of mind, then what we catch, we're caught by. And if we reject any state of mind, we're also caught by it.

[19:37]

If you try to eliminate the thoughts from your mind, or the pain from your legs, you only create more thoughts and more pain. You notice that? So, how to disappear and still be there? In other words, no ego, no self. This is the path of no self. When there's pain, there's only pain. It's not my pain. When there's pleasure, there's only pleasure, but it's not my pleasure.

[20:41]

And it's sometimes this description, you know, When we try to be good, you know, but we're not good. And we try to get rid of greed, hate, and delusion, but really, we all have greed, hate, and delusion. And no matter how much we try to get rid of greed, hate, and delusion, we still have greed, hate, and delusion. Have you ever noticed that? It's still there, even though we try to get rid of it. Some people really make a big effort to get rid of it. But if we try to get rid of it and dissociate ourselves from it, we may actually succeed. But greed, hate and delusion is vitality.

[21:47]

It's because vitality is embodied in greed, hate and delusion. And if we get rid of the vitality, if we get rid of greed, hate and delusion, we also are liable to get rid of the vitality. It's like a persimmon. As an example, a persimmon is used as an example. If you try to eat a persimmon too soon, you know what it does to your mouth. Persimmons are really wonderful and sweet, but in the beginning they're acrid, or as But as the persimmon works and gets ripe, that same acridity becomes very sweet.

[23:08]

So this is zazen. Persimmon, this is the persimmon zazen. Persimmons are sitting zazen. Just leave them alone. Pretty soon, if they really practice hard, as persimmons, they'll fulfill their nature, which becomes very sweet. So this is the same as our practice. So we have to have very much patience with everybody and each other and ourselves. This practice is called practice of infinite patience. You know, while you were talking about distraction, I kept thinking about you, son.

[24:22]

And then there are these kind that just touch so deeply. Right. And right in the middle of that, it's hard to know, is it a distraction? What to do with it? You know, the one that is a distraction, but... You know, in our... daily life, we walk out of the zendo and we take up the world. And the world is nothing but distractions. Well, it can be either nothing but distractions or it can be nothing but opportunities. So, if it's a distraction, it means that we're caught by it. If it's an opportunity, it means that we take responsibility but we have freedom within our actions.

[25:51]

And so it's the same as sitting zazen. You can either take up the thoughts or feelings as distractions, or you can take them up as opportunities. And the difference between the two is that When they become distractions, then they're obstacles. And when they become opportunities, they're no longer obstacles. In other words, the pain in our legs can be a distraction or it can be an opportunity. It just depends on how we deal with it. The thoughts in our mind can become distractions or they can become opportunities. depending on how we deal with them. So, we can either enter into the world or we can try to escape from it. If we get too caught up in the world, that's distraction.

[26:57]

If we try to escape from the world, that's dullness. So, where's the middle way? So, without really trying too hard, you know, just sitting Zazen, if we really sit Zazen as Zazen, then transformation, our transformation happens by itself. It's like, walking in the fog. You don't notice until you put your hand on your clothes that they're wet. I'm not as attached to my mind states as I used to be, but

[28:15]

It still feels sometimes like they really attach themselves to me. You could feel it that way, yeah. What comes up for me sometimes, somebody once said to me, as Ed Stevenson once said to me, that during Sashins, big things become unimportant and small things become very important. And sometimes I get very critical of myself when I'm sitting And then I start to feel more and more isolated. And I try and sit with that, but that is probably one of the hardest things for me to sit with. The critical one? And even the critical mind becomes illuminated because it's not attaching to anything.

[29:32]

when you said, it seems like it's not that I'm attaching to something, but something's attaching to me. That's because of a one-sided view. It's the same as walking down the street. We say, I'm walking down the street. But actually, the street is walking me. And it's the same as saying, I am breathing. But actually, breathing is breathing me. It's easier to see with breathing. But it's on one side of view. So, rather than trying to get rid of our thought, it's important to see it from all sides. I've found with criticalness in myself,

[30:54]

Non-acceptance of just as things are, that I am a screw-up. In 12-step programs, people talk about something called the committee, which is always in the back, passing judgments. You talked about seeing it from all sides. Right. Well, sometimes the committee only sees it from one side. So should I have more committees? You should have a wider range of participants. Even the criticalness, I have the same experience with the community, that's a good way to talk about it.

[32:19]

But even that is kind of a shield, I think. When you just sit and your thoughts and feelings come up, and more often than not they are painful. Even the critical patterns of thought, in a way, are kind of a shield against that feeling to just get to here without worrying about others.

[34:02]

Everyone has their own practice. Everybody's doing what they're doing. And as he said, big thoughts and little thoughts, small thoughts. In Sashin, we get focused on really small thoughts, on little incidental things, and then the person next to you is doing something little that just irritates, you know, the death, you know. And it's the way just somebody handles their spoon or something. That's because we're so focused, you know. It's a shame we just get really focused on the minutest details. All there is, is breath, pain, a few emotions, you know. So whatever you see, when you turn around, you know, it has that same minute focus. And we get various things, critical mind really comes up. And so when that happens, we should just realize, this is critical mind. Without being, be careful.

[35:08]

If we get attached to critical mind, then we really hold it, you know? So to be able to say, to realize this is critical mind, That's to see it from another side. That's to add some clarity to your committee. Just realize a critical mind is arising without carrying out the criticism. This is my mind. You don't have to say my, but this is just critical mind. It's not out there. What's out there is just what's out there. The way they handle their spoon is just the way they handle their spoon. And what's arising in this mind is just what's arising in this mind. There's no connection. There's some connection, but they're two different things. In other words, you are not making me angry.

[36:15]

Whatever you're doing is just what you're doing. this mind is becoming angry. There may be a reason for it, but it's only this mind becoming angry. They're two different things. You are not doing this to me. It's just happening. Or, I am doing this. You are doing that, and I'm doing this. That's all. That's very helpful. Most of the time, my criticisms these days aren't so much directed at people, they're more inward directed. Right. And actually Yvonne Rand, who's a Zen priest, I guess, and a 12-stepper, talked over at Green Gulch one day about the committee. And she said that, just like you were saying about the Hinayana, she said she doesn't try and keep it away. She said she invites it all in. And one day when that was happening, I invited it all in.

[37:20]

It was a bunch of scared little kids talking. Right. That's right. And there's no place for them to go. So they have to go someplace out. And then we start attacking out there. Because, you know, there's no place else to go. This is, you know, when we catch something, we have to get rid of it. It's like a hot potato. So if somebody throws you a hot potato, you have to do something with it. You throw it back, or you throw it at somebody else. So you have to know what to do with it when it comes, you know? And if you shoot an arrow at something solid, it'll stick. But if you shoot it at something that's not solid, it'll go through. So it's important to be a little transparent. So that everything that comes our way doesn't stick there. Because when it sticks, then we have to throw it at something. Transparency doesn't mean not to be there, but you have some outlet for things, some way for something to go through, so you don't just grab onto everything that comes through.

[38:40]

It's called even-mindedness, or equanimity. You don't get thrown by everything that comes your way. That's how you... It's called non-attachment, actually. So that's what we have to practice. When I'm in a 12-step meeting, that's basically what I'm doing. I'm letting go, but by saying what's going on. But in this practice, where we're silent, It seems to stick. It doesn't pass through. So, how do we do this inside of us? Well, if you have, if you have, if it's a real bother, then you can also say, this is this. You can name it if you want to.

[39:40]

Ordinarily, we don't do that in our practice. But if you have some extreme If you have a problem with it, you can do that. It's an Abhidharma practice, isn't it? Well, not Abhidharma practice, but it's Vipassana. You know, people practice that way. But it's distinct from our practice in which we don't... You know, if you name something, then you give it some reality. It's a subtle distinction. But we usually just let things come and go without trying to solidify them. But if you need to solidify them, it's okay. You said that greed, hate and delusion are sort of the substance of vitality. Vitality is the substance of greed, hate and delusion. The substance can go

[40:43]

various ways. But it happens to manifest in... It sometimes manifests as greed, hate and delusion. Right. But you can't get rid of greed, hate and delusion, as you said. Well, by trying to get rid of it, you know, by trying to rub it off, you know, you can't wash it off so easily. The same vitality. Love and hate are the same. Their two manifestations are the same thing. Because you notice that when you have a lover, you can also hate the lover when things don't go right.

[41:47]

The people that hate each other the most, you know, are really very close. And all they have to do is turn, and they find something different. But it's the same vitality. There's one substance, and it manifests in various ways. Otherwise there would be no such thing as transformation. That's why, you know, no matter how much you try to do something, unless you take it to its root, it won't work. When you take it to its root,

[42:50]

can turn. It's called Parivrtti in Buddhism, Buddhist terminology. It's called rotation of the base. Yes, I have a question about your point about dullness and attachment. Destruction. Oh, destruction. Yeah, so the dullness. I think that I come here And I think that my whole life is distraction, right? So this is the balance for that, to me. So when I'm here, of course, distraction comes up, attachment comes up. It's not like I'm fighting to keep it down, but the more of the non-distraction I have, I feel it's positive.

[43:55]

But the distraction is not in the things that come up. The things that come up are not the distraction. The distraction is our state of mind. It's like saying, this is interfering. That's where the distraction is. The distraction is just simply our state of mind. To me, when the distraction isn't there, how do you experience emptiness? And that, to me, is what I need to experience. Yeah, by accepting everything just as it is. That's empty. Not when my mind is empty? No. Everything is essentially empty. Essentially means its true nature is emptiness. It's empty of inherent existence. So, emptiness means

[44:59]

Interdependence. Everything depends on everything else. That's emptiness. It means I don't exist just as me. I exist with all these distractions. Or I exist with all the things around me and I either harmonize with them or else they're distractions. It's all in our mind. You know, you're feeding the baby and you're cooking dinner You know, the baby's crawling around, the telephone's ringing. It can be either a harmonious situation or hell. And we created ourselves. It's just a matter of whether or not you're willing to accept everything that's happening and find a place for it. Or, if you can't do that, we have our desire, right? And our desire becomes so strong to do something that everything else becomes a distraction.

[46:01]

So our desire to do something is called our ego. And it eliminates all other things around it in order to do what it wants to do. But if that's not happening, then whatever is happening is what you want to do. If whatever is happening around you is what you want to do, it's no problem. The only problem comes in when you want to do something different. to do with emptiness? No. Everything is empty as it is. Emptiness, realizing emptiness is realizing the true nature of how everything really exists. No inherent nature. In other words, everything is interdependent. It depends on everything else. There's no you, aside from what you're doing and what's around you and what you're relating You're changing, everything around you is changing, and you're interacting with all the things around you that are changing continuously.

[47:09]

There's nothing fixed. That's why we don't try to cultivate some special state of mind. As soon as you try to cultivate a special state of mind, you're trying to fix something. It can't be fixed. That seems to be a special state of mind that I want. But in reality, when the kid's crying and the phone's ringing, Well, it's complex.

[48:15]

Life is complex. But the less of a fixed idea that we have of how things should be, the easier it is to deal with everything as it is. That's a kind of key. We get attached to an idea of how things are supposed to be. Then we have a lot of pain. So, how do you allow a situation, how do you allow yourself and the situation to flow together? That's what's important. How do you harmonize with the situation, just as it is? How do you find your place in each situation, moment by moment, no matter what that situation is? That's the practice. It's called soft mind.

[49:17]

Not soft like a sponge, but yielding. So it's also, the practice is called turning and being turned. Turning means that you are asserting, and being turned means that you're allowing yourself to be moved. And this interaction is the key to our life. Anyway, it's getting late. Thank you.

[50:01]

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