She was ordained by Sojin Roshi along with Myoan Grey-Sherison in 1998. And she did a few practice periods in Tassajara. And she currently practices with Myoan Grey-Sherison at MDS Bendo in Sierra Quinto. She started the Mount Diablo Zen sitting group in Pleasant Hill. And she works for Kaiser Hospice. She's an artist and engaged in social action, most notably with the as a co-organizer of the crosses of Lafayette that memorialize the soldiers who fall in Iraq. So please put your hands together. Good morning. I'd like to introduce somebody myself, and that is my mom, for those of you who have never met her. Raise your hand. You cannot even see me, but you probably see enough of me. Thanks for coming. It's really a pleasure to be here, to say the least.

[01:28]

Alan invited me to give the talk today, and I said yes. I don't know why I say yes when people ask me to give a talk, but I guess that's what I signed up for. So because I'm working with Grace Shearson as my teacher now, even though Sojin is my teacher and will always be my old teacher. Well, old. Not as in age. So I emailed Grace and said, well, Ellen invited me to give the talk and I'm thinking about talking about kshanti, which is the Sanskrit word for patience or forbearance. And she said, well, why don't you pick a topic you know something about? So after a long discussion, we decided that I would talk about meditation and action.

[02:55]

I really appreciate Grace because she's just very direct. So when she said meditation and action, I remembered this little book by Chögyam Trungpa that I read many years ago. And I had a copy, I must have given it away to somebody. So I went to the library here, we have a wonderful library here, and found it on the shelf. And lo and behold, in this little book called, Meditation and Action, is a chapter on patience, or kshanti. Who wins? Okay. So I thought I would read this, just a portion of it anyway, and then I'll get on to my talk about meditation and action. Same thing, right? Patience, Kshanti in Sanskrit, is usually taken to mean forbearance and the calm endurance of pain and hardship.

[04:03]

But in fact it means rather more than that. It is forbearing in the sense of seeing the situation and seeing that it is right to forbear and to develop patience. So, Shanti has an aspect of intelligence in contrast, one might say, to an animal loaded with baggage which might still go on and on walking along the track until it just drops dead. That kind of patience is patience without wisdom, without clarity. Here we are referring to patience with clarity and energy with the eye of understanding. Generally when we talk of patience we think of an individual person who is being patient, but it also has a great deal to do with communication. Patience can develop if there is discipline and if one can create the right situation. Then one does not merely forbear because it is painful and unpleasant and because one is just trying to get through it, but patience can develop easily with the aid of virya or energy

[05:14]

Without energy, one could not develop patience because there would be no strength to be patient, and this energy comes from creating the right situation, which is connected with awareness. Perhaps the word awareness is a little ambiguous, since it often connotes self-consciousness or just being aware of what you are doing. But in this case, awareness is simply seeing the situation accurately. It does not particularly mean watching yourself speaking and acting, but rather seeing the situation as a whole, like an aerial view of a landscape which reveals the layout of the town and so on. So patience is related to discipline, which in turn is connected with awareness. And then it goes to talk about, go on to talk about discipline. which I'm not going to get into this time. So, I lived here for ten years, seven years the first time, and three years the second time.

[06:32]

My practice at the time was very, somewhat formal. Berkeley Zen Center has a somewhat formal practice. Maybe not as formal as the monastery, but it's very formal in some way. And I sat mostly morning and afternoon zazen. Sometimes I would cut out of morning zazen. I would get on a roll of cutting out of morning zazen. And I realize now that it was because I was tired and needed to rest. So if you find yourself unable to get up for zazen, maybe take a few days off and rest and come back refreshed and restored. So I always brought an extra little something to the formality of my practice. So as a lay student I wore a robe and I was lay ordained shortly after I got here, maybe in a year. and held various positions, and was the head cook, and made lots of meals, and worked in the garden, and I think I've painted almost every room on the grounds here.

[07:47]

And I did Sashin every month, or the one-day sittings, and the practice periods, and I loved that practice. I just, there was nothing more important than my practice, sorry mom, which included family. They didn't see so much of me and work was not important to me. I kind of didn't really want to work so much. it was really just coming in and out of the gate. It felt like coming in and out of the gate to go to the Zen Do. That was really what my life was about, even when I didn't live here. And my life is not like that now. So that was the shape that my practice took at that time.

[08:54]

And I had tremendous suffering. I had tremendous suffering when I was here, just all sorts of things, physical suffering, mental suffering. The suffering is really good here at the Murphy Center. It's got a certain something, it just, the taste is so good. Tremendous amount of suffering. I don't regret it, of course, but at some point it was time to move on. So I have, and now I practice mostly at home. I sit in my room. I just sit in the morning for half an hour. I don't sit in the afternoons. I hardly wear robes. I did a lot of Doan training and a lot of chanting when I was here. I don't, I mean, I hardly chant at all. maybe in my car once in a while, or for a friend who might be sick.

[09:54]

It's very unusual to wear these clothes, and we have a different outfit at Empty Nest. I wear a samurai with a kairi-oe, very kind of short, not this, short sleeves and something very simple. So I don't often wear this whole set of robes anymore either. And work is more, it's not necessarily more important, but I see that my work now, I'm much more dedicated to my work than I used to be. And that's because I realize without it, can't sustain my practice. So work is more important, and I am more in tune with my family than I have been in a long time. And also, I have started to be more of an activist, and I feel some passion around that, and especially with The Warning Rock,

[11:12]

So I remember when I was in Tassajara many years ago, many, many years ago, that I had this, I loved being in Tassajara, it was wonderful. I had this keen feeling that that practice there, basically sitting Tsazan all day and studying and working some mindful work, I had this keen sense of what I was doing there was really important for the world and for world peace. I had this keen sense of it, that I could stay down forever and it would help everybody on the planet. I really had this feeling, this strong feeling about that. And even though I remember that feeling, I can't remember what it was about exactly, because I don't have that feeling anymore. because, probably, because I'm in the world now. So, I wonder what that was about and I can't really, I've been struggling with that.

[12:22]

What, I've been struggling with the question a lot of what difference does it make if we sit saws in and face the wall when there's a war going on in Iraq? I know I'm not supposed to talk about such things here, but being an activist, we take every opportunity we can to spread the word. So, what I realized is, even though my life is really different, I'm still practicing. It's just a different shape. And just as everybody's practice is some shape or another. I don't know why I kind of think of it pear-shaped. My practice now is kind of pear-shaped. So I have a little sitting group and we meet on Wednesday nights and Wednesday mornings for morning satsang.

[13:30]

And that's really wonderful. It's wonderful to practice with other people. And I miss that, even though I have this certain group in my Emptiness Sangha as well. Practicing like this is just so rare. This place is so rare. to have a lay practice center where there's this kind of formal practice, Zazen in the morning, Zazen in the afternoon, going on forever. It's just, since I haven't been here, I really am aware of how rare this place is and how wonderful it is to have this place in an urban setting especially. So I think the thing about practicing with others that strikes me is that it's very inspiring and encourages me when I practice. And, you know, we see people going through tremendous amounts of suffering or whatever the suffering of the day is.

[14:38]

And it's really inspiring to see people sticking with it and just working through each thing as it arises. You know, I see faces here, people, and I kind of know what's going on with them, or what they've been through since I've known them. And there's so many people in here who've been through so much, to hell and back, myself included. And it's really inspiring to practice with people who are working with all of that stuff. it's amazing to be in this intimate setting with our intimate goings-on. Or the other way of looking at it is people who just have, people who aren't really working through it, people who are just stuck with it, people who are just doing the same thing they walked in the gate with.

[15:39]

They're still just spinning out this whatever that is. They're still just really stuck with some aspect of their character. And even that is inspiring to see that they can just go on and laugh through it and laugh at themselves and allow other people to laugh at them and share that with others. It's really remarkable that we get to do this and really rare. So I have my little group and the same people practice there, they practice here, they practice at, you know, it's like the same personalities, they're just different faces. They're here and they're at Empty Nest and it's really interesting. So I miss people but I practice with the same people. in other places. So, meditation action.

[16:42]

So what I noticed, especially probably mostly at work and when I go to the Crosses of Lafayette, just in case you don't know, the Crosses of Lafayette is a project that was started by a gentleman named Jeff Heaton. He was discouraged by the war and decided he would put up a memorial anti-war statement by placing a cross on the ground on a hillside across from the BART station in Lafayette. You can see it from 24. It's just right there for everyone to see. For every soldier who has died, or I would say every soldier who has died in combat, in the war. So this has been a huge project and what I noticed was is how my approach to this project is the same way I approached practice when I was here.

[17:46]

And so even though my practice is a different shape, I'm still practicing. How it is for me is going there every Sunday, except for now we just do first and third Sundays, workshops, whether I feel like it or not, whether I'm discouraged by what's going on or not, or whether I feel physically terrible or not, I just go there and work for the two hours, the four hours, whatever the schedule is, and do the same thing over and over, make crosses, paint them, and stick them in the ground. And I can see how my practice here in coming to the Zen Do, whether I feel this way or that, whether I'm bored, tired, lonely, whatever, I just get up, go to the Zen Do, sit Zazen. So that's really informed my practice out at the hillside.

[18:48]

Also, there's a whole slew of people that come out there to visit or to work, and they may not necessarily agree with what's going on out there. So, you know, just like in the Shinshin Ming it says, the great way is not difficult for those with no preferences. So I really have to understand that whoever comes out there is coming there for a reason, and they may or may not agree with my opinions and ideas. and that's okay, has to be okay with me. So I have to know that it's just my opinion, it's just my idea. And there really is no, ultimately, there really is no disagreement. And there's a kind of way that I need to, you know, the volunteers can get very rambunctious and to start, if somebody might come up and incite incite them somehow. So I have to kind of oversee what's going on out there because we're all also committed to nonviolent action.

[19:56]

And some people who come out there are not clear on what that is yet. So there's a kind of ongoing training going on with that. And there's a lot of people in pain. And so I really try to model, you know, pain and suffering is basically good. And that pain and suffering is the Buddha's teaching. So we might look for it somewhere in a book, but that is the Buddha's teaching. to shun our pain or suffering and want something else, it just makes it impossible for us. So, to just know that, to not stop pain or just try not to be happy, you know, just be with what is, is really important.

[21:07]

in this practice to understand that. So there's some way that understanding that you can enjoy your life a lot more is you got what you got and what are you going to do about it? So there's kind of an in-between place of I don't want it, you know, I love it or I hate it. There's just kind of an in-between place where you can find some ease and relaxation. The other day a gentleman showed up at the site. He was some kind of preacher, I think, in disguise. He was wearing the golfing hat and the polo shirt and khakis, and he was probably 80. And he said, you know, I was a merchant marine in World War II.

[22:13]

When someone says that, I have a little reaction to it, like, uh-oh, what's coming? And he wanted to let us know how inspiring our work was for him and that the soldiers had given their full measure of devotion. and that we were giving our full measure of devotion to the project. And he was really inspired by that and that he drove by all the time and he saw us out there and just thought it was great what we were doing. So, that was really encouraging, you know, and somebody, just as he walked up, drove past and said, have you, in their car and made a rude gesture. So he said, don't worry about those detractors. So then he started talking about Abe Lincoln, and I thought, gosh, Abe Lincoln.

[23:18]

I've never heard anybody talk about Abe Lincoln before. So he was talking about this devotion and this full measure, and it really resonated with me. So I thought, what the heck was he talking about? So I thought I would read this, which some of you, most of you are familiar with. And just to, I'm reading this to plant a seed in your mind. Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation conceived in liberty. and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, all men and women are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met here on a great battlefield of that war.

[24:22]

We have come to dedicate a portion of it as a final resting place for those who gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men living and dead who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here but can never forget what they did here. It is for us, the living, rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they have thus far so nobly carried on. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us, that from these honored dead we can take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion.

[25:26]

that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation shall have a new birth of freedom, and that this government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. So I'm just bringing this to everyone's attention. because I wonder if it will perish from this earth. And also because I want to encourage you, whatever you do, whatever you are into, whatever you are passionate about, to devote your full measure, to throw yourself into your pain and suffering, throw yourself into your zazen,

[26:31]

bring your zazen mind back out into the world and share with other people, make peace. I think it's really up to us to lead the way. And I don't know how we're going to do that. But I think devoting ourselves to this peaceful way is a way to influence people. So if you come up with any ideas, let me know. I don't want to do anything drastic or rash. The other day, one of the people who sit with me put on someone else's shoes by mistake.

[27:49]

It's so annoying when somebody takes your shoes. But it struck me. That person wanted to walk a mile in that person's shoes. That's how it struck me. And I thought, if we can do that, things could change, just how we are, just in the immediate sense with each other, wherever we are. So next time someone takes your shoes, say, thank you so much for getting to know me better. Anyway, I don't have much more to say today. So I just thought I would read to you this little poem at the beginning of the book by Milarepa. Excuse the gender-specific. The man who can watch his mind without distraction does not need to gavel or chat.

[28:56]

The man who can be absorbed in self-awareness does not need to sit stiffly like a corpse. If he knows the nature of all forms, the eight worldly longings disappear by themselves. If he has no desire or hatred in his heart, he doesn't need to show off or pretend. The great awakening of the Bodhi mind that goes beyond samsara and nirvana both can never be achieved by searching and by wanting. So there's plenty of time for questions or discussion. Anybody has something they'd like to say? There's so many people here I haven't seen in like, I mean, Patrick. I haven't seen you and Richard in so long.

[29:58]

It's nice to see you. Nice to see you both. Patrick. I think we'll take walking in another direction. I know, I'm going to a birthday party. Let's see. Yeah, that's good. It's part of the advanced training. I'll paint your toenails for you if you want. Colleen and then Ross. I don't really take it in so much. I think I used to.

[31:15]

It's like, but I don't, I mean, I guess I've gotten used to it. So I guess I'm always a little surprised because I have some sense of things like this is just so right on what I'm doing here. And that person just doesn't think that at all. How could that be? So what, you know, That person has a whole other life and a whole other conditioning and I can't, I can't really, it's unfathomable. You know, it's, I can't, I can't understand it at all. It's just, but I also can't judge it, you know. Yeah. I mean, even if people honk and say, yay, I don't really take it in. I just keep going. And that's part of our difficulty, you know, is, I like this, I don't like that. So I really try to, you know, we can talk about this pain and suffering issue, and we can say, they're basically good.

[32:23]

So even your death is basically good. Because what are you going to do if you live forever, you know? People get really tired of you. You get tired of yourself. So, but you have to put it into practice. You know, we can talk about all this stuff, but you have to put it into practice. If you don't put it into practice, then, you know, it's just like Milarepa was saying, you know, gabbling and chatting. So you really have to, meditation and action, you have to activate it. Thanks, it's good to see you. Well, the process is a creative process too, so there's some feeling I don't think I would have latched onto it if it in some way doesn't feel like an art installation.

[33:41]

There's, you know, I just basically paint the crosses white and put them in the ground and then other people come and they decorate them and do all this neat stuff and that's really, like I really like doing, collaborating with people on art projects. So there's something really satisfying with that or being with people and doing art with people. So it's that kind of mystery or what's gonna happen next that's really, satisfying. Yeah, of course. I have to stay in the in-between place out there because I'm very frustrated by this situation and it seems like people wake up and oh my God, there's a war, and then they go back to sleep. And then they wake up, and then they go back, and I just, I can't, it's really, don't get me started.

[34:51]

It's really frustrating that it just goes on. And I meet the people whose family members have died or have kids over there. And everybody feels a little differently. Some people say, oh no, it would be terrible if we pulled out now because my son would be over there without resources and what would I do? There's young people over there whose moms will come out and say, my daughter's over there, and she says, it's crazy, it's insane, and I'm so concerned about her. If I latch on to all these different things, I would just be, you know, pushed and pulled around by my feelings and not feeling well. So I really have to stay in the in-between place and receive the information and just keep doing what I'm doing.

[35:54]

Thank you. Sherry and then Bob and then Robert and then Stan. Nice to see you, too. You talked about the time that you were here at Kyrgyzstan Center, and you said that you suffered a lot while you were here. And you also have talked about your life now, and you talked about how it's necessary to embrace your suffering. And I had this sense from you that the suffering was different, and I was wondering if you had a different sense of the origin My suffering now, the origin of my suffering now is opposed to... It's the same place. It's desire in various forms. Sorry, I'll keep trying. Robert.

[37:00]

Good to see you. Really nice to see you. They are forgotten. So there's the official count, which is what we put up there. Part of the reason is because just having a count up there was huge.

[38:03]

Someone came and kicked the sign down. She just pulled over in her car, went up the hill and kicked the sign down. So it's very hard for people to see that. And we used to have small numbers and now we have big numbers and that was a big issue too. So how we're doing this is whatever people can take in. Like first we had 15 crosses and those were taken down. So then when the feelings shifted about the war, We got together and made $300, figuring this is going to take down $300. Probably not, unless somebody was really ambitious. So $300. And then we kept up with the count. There's all sorts of things that we could do out there, like have the count of Afghanis who have died or Iraqis who have died. There's all sorts of things. But we're limited to, after many, many, many city council meetings, limited to so many signs and size of signs. So we have this official count, but when people come out there, we do talk that up.

[39:07]

So, you know, that that count includes people who have died in the field. And if you die five minutes after you're airlifted to Germany or whatever, you're not counted in that count. So it's really a lot more people have died. And that is fairly, it's fairly easy to get that information now, but still not clear. And, but before even, A few months ago it was harder to get that information, but it's easier to get the information now. Was there somebody after Robert? Oh, Stan, and then Alan. Oh, you came out there too. You were out there too. That's right.

[40:39]

Well, a while back there was some discussion about Sojin using his seat to talk about the war, talk about the current administration, how annoying they were. Back then they were just annoying. And we decided that probably people come here on a Saturday to get some zen or peace or something. So we decided that maybe every once in a while somebody could come and talk about it, but probably not ongoing. I mean, we could do this every Saturday, couldn't we? So probably that's not why people come here so much. I know. I'm with you, pal. Yes.

[42:30]

Not everybody understands that. Ellen. All right. I think actually that's all you've been talking about.

[43:56]

I know. Sorry, Grace. What do I do with it? Well, like I said, you know, I just try to stay in that in-between place. And I'm the role model. So if people are talking about the opponents, Jeff and I don't say, oh yeah, you're right, you know, those jerks.

[44:58]

I just stay in that in-between place. I can't mix it up with them. I just have to take it. And I'm willing to take it. It's not so bad. I mean, being spit on and called, I can't even say. All sorts of crazy things. But, you know, the controversy is good. If people go out there and they're counter-demonstrating, it's great because then the media comes out and then there's all this publicity saying, war is bad, or this is causing all this. So even amongst ourselves, controversy is good. If we're all disagreeing about something, it's great because it just gets people activated and energized, even if they're at odds. And so, I just try to stay in the in-between place of like grabbing onto something I want as opposed to something I don't want. The in-between place is called patience. Okay, thank you.

[46:01]

I was going to say chime in if you want to give me some training. You have like, you only have a couple more minutes here. Yeah, he didn't have Move America Forward, though. But, you know, this is advanced practice, so... Agnes, oh, I'm sorry, I think we have to stop pretty soon, so after Agnes, we can talk outside, too. Mm-hmm.

[47:41]

Yeah, exactly. You know, people used to call, we used to have a wonderful person who practiced here named Maile Scott, and she was sometimes called a devotedly do activist. So you just devotedly do what you can do. And that's how we can stay from feeling overwhelmed, because there's a lot of issues these days, a lot of issues. Thank you. So often we, in our individual lives, think, what can we do about the situation, whether it's global warming or the war. And I read a very inspiring book that I'd like to recommend to all of you. It's called Three Cups of Tea, about Greg Hortenson, who was trained as a nurse, and he was a mountain climber. And to this day, he has built in the Himalayas in Pakistan and Afghanistan.

[48:49]

And everybody knows he's an American and they love him. And he has a group of loyal people. And these people are Sunnis, Shiites, and various mountain people who all get along so well together. It's very inspiring. Nice work. And he's only in his 40s. He's going to get a lot of work done. Fantastic. Thank you, everyone. And Ed? Thank you, Margaret. What time are you out there on Sundays? The first and third Sundays now from 10 until noon. How do you park it? You can't miss it. Deer Hill, it's Oak Hill Road exit.

[50:01]

Go take 24 Oak Hill Road exit and just go up Oak Hill and you'll see it on your left. And you can also take the Lafayette Bard and just walk across the street. You can't, you really can't miss it. Thank you everyone.

[50:15]

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