Good morning. It feels like spring, but we are well into our practice period here at Brooklyn Zen Center, and we have been inspired by the adamantine sitting of our shuso, Leslie. Leslie. That is if you see adamantine, this jewel stone, as being very flexible, not rock-like. And she's really supporting us all, which is wonderful and really encouraging. Today I'm going to talk about something that came up for me, and I addressed it in shosan, this

[01:01]

dharma question and answer ceremony that we have. We have several points during the year. We have generally twice during our practice period. Can you hear me okay back there? So shosan is an exchange, a dharma inquiry between the teacher and student, one at a time. And it's sort of, Leslie will do the shuso ceremony that we have at the end of seshin, very much in that format. And the question I asked Sojin Roshi was, there was a verse from Zazen Shin, Dogen's text, which has been the subject of the class during practice period. That verse is variously translated, but just at this very moment, from time immemorial to now, one has always been able to

[02:06]

enter the world of Buddha and to enter the world of the demons, or Mara. To enter the world, we're able to enter the world of Buddha and enter the world of Mara. And I was thinking about that, that's a compelling line to me. And first, compelling to what does it mean? What are the implications of that? Not in some abstract sense, but actually in my life. Dogen was not just spinning out abstract propositions. So there's another verse that I had been reading since I was in India a couple months ago, for some reason. Well, I was at this place in North India that is founded by Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche, who's a really

[03:12]

interesting guy. I don't know, did any of you ever see The Cup? And also, what was it? Magician Travelers and Magicians, two wonderful movies. He's a very powerful teacher too, and very eclectic guy. And I've been listening to some of his recordings. And one was on this Tibetan mind training approach, Lojong, which I'll say more about. Lojong consists of a series of slogans. And this slogan really caught my attention. When misfortune fills your world and its inhabitants, make adversity the path of awakening. That's also translated in different ways. When misfortune fills your world and its inhabitants,

[04:12]

make adversity the path of awakening. So I asked Dogen, I've been thinking about these two teachings in tandem, what do you think? And he said essentially, well, they're the same, which I think is true. And still, what do they mean? Actually, to me, the second verse points towards how you enact the first. And I was thinking about this, you know, it's like, it's very interesting, it's kind of engaging. And then, how do you make it real? So today, it's raining. You know, which for a lot of us in California, is a blessing. For some people in various places, it brings landslides and floods.

[05:19]

In other places, western Massachusetts, it brings cyclones and tornadoes and hurricanes. Hurricanes. So I was taken with these words from Tsongkhapa's teacher, Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche. Now, I just to say, I really do not know much about Tibetan Buddhism. I've not practiced it. But every now and then, I kind of dip my toes in to try to learn something, because there's a great richness there. And I saw, it happened while I was in India, at Donsar's place, they showed a movie about Dilgo. And he struck me as very much like Suzuki Roshi. The movie is called Brilliant Moon. And the guy was so full of joy.

[06:21]

And like, as we understand, Suzuki Roshi, he met everybody right where they were. And was able to communicate, share that joy with them in some ineffable way. It wasn't the technique. It was just who he was. And it really, it jumped off the screen. I was in tears, watching him. So I thought I would go back and read some of his. So he's reading. And in his book on Flojong, which is called Enlightened Courage, he says, in these degenerate times, as far as the universe is concerned, the rains and snows do not come when they should. Harvests are poor, cattle are unhealthy, and people and animals are riddled with disease.

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Because people spend their time in evil activities, because they are jealous and constantly wish misfortune on one another, many countries are at variance and are in desperate circumstances. We are in the era when even the teachings of religion are perverted, so that famine, disease and war are rife. But when a forest is on fire, a gale will only make it bigger. It certainly will not blow it out. Likewise, for Bodhisattva, who has received instruction, all such catastrophic situations may be profitably taken on the path. So this is, you know, this is a tough and radical teaching. So the rain is falling today. The Dharma rain is always falling, everywhere.

[08:34]

So Dilga also says, if we have instructions on how to carry obstacles, how to take these obstructions onto the path, then no matter how many difficulties and conflicting situations come upon us, they will simply clarify our practice and have no power to hinder us on the path. So we've been trained, the instructions we've received, every day we're receiving instructions, direct instructions on upright sitting, that's our essential training, Zazen, and then how to carry Zazen forth into our daily lives, just moment by moment. And then we have other teachings, that's why we study. We've been studying, the senior students started studying something by Suzuki Roshi, where he says,

[09:44]

we really ought to know about Chinese Buddhism, Japanese Buddhism, Indian Buddhism, because that is the whole world of Dharma. So our core practice is Zazen, but Zazen includes all these other teachings. Nonetheless, it's good to tease them out, because something that you might hear can be helpful to you. And it goes on, if however we do not have instructions, then difficulties will be experienced as hindrances. Ever since I thought about the conjunction of entering into the world of Buddha and entering into the world of Mara, with this Lojong, I've sort of been thinking about this, I've got a talk coming up, I'm going to put these together.

[10:47]

And sort of then, this week, reality happened. And I noticed I had little choice about which way I wanted to go. And also like, well, if this is what's happening, and the instruction is to place all obstacles, and all misfortunes on the path, then, you know, maybe I might try that. Might be a good idea. You know, part of me didn't want to. So what happened? I had a minor medical problem, which I had to have some tests about. I think it's okay. But meanwhile, my sister Lisa had a heart attack. Now, in my family, because of our genetic makeup,

[11:53]

heart attacks are kind of like getting a bad flu. I mean, it's kind of an exaggeration, but three of us, I haven't talked about this in a long time, three of us, myself, my brother and my sister, who are younger than I, have had sort of clinical cardiological problems since the age of 40. And she had had some, an angioplasty, you know, where they expand the vessel. She had had that done a couple of times. I've had that done a couple of times. But this was a heart attack. And we spent a lot of the week, I spent a lot of the week at Kaiser in Oakland, where I must say, if it's not embarrassing, Christie's partner, Diane, was the admitting, was a nurse who took

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Lisa into the emergency room. And she was fantastic. If you ever need to go there, ask for Diane's favor. But better, you don't need to go there. And then they transferred her to San Francisco, so we had to schlep over there. And it was unclear for a number of days what quite was happening. And as I said, I spent most of the day yesterday there with another sister who came up from LA. And we finally got to take Lisa home to her place in Oakland. And she's tired and a little worse for wear, but I think pretty stable. And the prognosis is good, but it's not good to have a heart attack. So having this history, I found this somewhat re-stimulating. I had to use a, what's the, re-evaluation counseling term.

[14:12]

But I think without knowing the psychological school and re-stimulating, you get that, right? And then what I wanted to say is, so for me, there's different personality types. There are different obstacles and misfortunes. Some of them are very concrete in the world. And some of them are habit patterns or genetic patterns. I don't know whether it's nurture or nature, that exist within each of us. So I'm an anxiety type. For those of you who follow the Enneagram, I'm a six. Ah, a fear type. So this comes up. And it's scary. And has physiological effects, mental effects. And this is what I have to work with. Some people, you know, are, not everybody's like that.

[15:19]

I mean, it's really important to recognize that not everybody is like me or you. Each of us has a different, we have different places that we start, different characteristics, different hindrances. I would say, I don't think fear, anxiety is not a big function of Sojan Roshi's personality. That's great. It's not necessarily an advantage. It's also not necessarily a disadvantage. That it, that I have it. And if you're lucky, you don't. But if you do, it allows me, it allows a bridge to exist between us so that we can meet each other and see each other and understand each other. Which is terrific. This is what, in my book, Bodhisattvas Embraced, there's an essay

[16:29]

called Notes Towards a Practical Zen Psychology, which begins with a verse from the sixth ancestor, Winé. And his version of the Bodhisattva vow, the first Bodhisattva vow, is, sentient beings of my mind are numberless. I vow to save them all. Now, this is not multiple personality, but it recognizes that we have certain habits and certain patterns and tendencies, and they will tend to arise. When they arise, I need to take care of them. So, it's important to understand, so going back to these two teachings, this Lojong teaching of place all obstacles on your path to awakening.

[17:32]

This system was developed by the 10th century, 10th-11th century Tibetan teacher Atisha. And interestingly enough, he got it in Indonesia, not in Tibet. He got it from his teacher, Dharmakirti, who was in Indonesia, which is rather far from Tibet. And then, Dogen's verse, we have the capacity to enter into Buddha and enter into Mara. What I say is, these teachings are remedies to balance or counterbalance the habits that we have, the habits of clinging to our self, whether that's our fears or our egos. These are remedies, but they're very radical.

[18:40]

They do not permit, yes, but, which is what we all do. It's like, no, all obstacles, place all obstacles on the path. Well, yes, but, what about the fact that I'm poor? What about the fact that I have a disease? What about the fact that this person here, we're getting to the realm of puns, this person is an asshole towards me. Well, we all have these butts. The problem is that, from moment, from day to day, if we don't have this teaching, we all feel that someone else's is in our face. These teachings are pointing to something else. So, what does it mean to be able to enter the world of Buddha and or the world of Mara?

[19:51]

Mara, by the way, comes from, I think its root is the Indo-European word to die. And, I think it points to the death. To me, it points both to this sort of primal fear of death or fear of non-existence, but also that if we succumb to Mara, really our enlightened life dies. It's injured, it's harmed, it dies. If we succumb to Mara, which is not the same as enter into. So, enter into Mara, enter into Buddha. The world of Buddha looks pretty good, seems pretty attractive. That's what we think.

[20:57]

As Suzuki already said, when somebody asked him about enlightenment, he said, well, you may not like it. And, when you read the early sutras, you see that the Buddha had one problem after another to deal with. It just kept being brought to him, and that was his problem. Dealing with this. Now, he seemed to deal with them with great aplomb. But, one shouldn't assume that this didn't somehow reach him. If it hadn't reached his heart in some way, he wouldn't have been able to bring forth wisdom. At least, that's my understanding. And, the world from Mara, well, when we see Mara approaching, we want to run the other way. Usually, we want to run the

[22:00]

other way. Or, we're enticed. Mara is often depicted with a retinue of beautiful dancing girls, very seductive. Or, attractive, hunky guys, depending on who you are. Actually, like a lot of the nurses in Kaiser. But, as Bodhisattvas, we really have to train ourselves to enter whatever door is in front of us. It's important to recognize it doesn't mean that we don't feel in these, in whatever realm we're in. We may feel joy, fear, depression, and so on. But, it doesn't stop us from walking through that door.

[23:05]

Dilgo has this great verse. If we practice, in his commentary, if we practice this, placing every, to practice placing every obstacle in the path of awakening, if we fail to do this, it means we fail to recognize the great kindness of beings. And, that means all of them. Not just the ones that we think are being nice to us, and we think we like. Okay, so, having laid that out, how do we do this? As I said, this has been a really difficult week. It's been practically difficult in terms of kind of dealing with situations that my sister was in, and being kind of the point person for

[24:10]

talking to the doctors, and finding out what's going on. And also, then having to field kind of the anxiety energy of various relatives and friends. And, that was okay. I did okay. But, it's not like that doesn't take a toll on me. It affects me. I think people feel, well, he can do this. He's pretty calm. Not so calm. But, I can't do this. How? What have I been doing? And, dealing with my own anxiety, my own anxiety about illness, about death, it's there. It's been with me. I think I was telling somebody, it's been with me since I was about five. I saw this television show, like a, where a public, a sort of public

[25:15]

service video, when I was like five. I was sick in bed. I was staying in my mother's bed, which I really liked. And, watching TV, because we had an early TV. And, it showed a guy, it was black and white. And, it showed a guy, it said, the bus, he was running for a bus. And, the bus was pulling off. And, he was running. And, also, he clutches his heart. He clutches his chest and falls down. This had a really big effect on me. The next day, the bus came for nursery school. And, it parked at the end of the driveway. And, I walked out very slowly. Very, and the guy was like blowing the horn. Not going to rush me. You know, so, this has been with me for a while. I think, when I, I've been trying to think, what are the tools, the Dharma tools,

[26:18]

that I'm trying to use? And, I think they come down to two particular tools. Tool of mindfulness and tool of generosity. In terms of mindfulness, it's meant watching very attentively my physical and mental states. As I'm walking about, as I'm sitting Zazen, as I'm engaging with people, etc. For me, when I feel anxiety, a couple things. Physically, I feel it kind of here, from kind of just below my chest down to my belly. And, it's hard to describe it. It's sort of

[27:26]

just feels unsettled. And then, sometimes when it really, if it's there for a while, it actually is an aching in my chest that I know is not my heart. But, it's kind of in that locus. So, I'm watching that. There's also an incredible pull to go back to bed. And, actually, the real pull is like, stay there. Do not get out of bed. And, I've been allowing myself a little extra sleep, extra naps, which I think is fine. But, it's also along with it, with that, going back to bed, is also the wanting to, one, escape, and two, hide out. And three, not engage. I know that's counterintuitive. It doesn't

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work. So, at a certain point, I swing my legs over the side of the bed. I come down to the Zendo. Or, I go and do something with my family. Or, I go to the gym. I have to engage with the world. That's entering Mara. It doesn't stop me from being anxious. It doesn't, it's not like a, it's not medicine that you take that's like, oh, hold on, I know it will come back. But, I also know I'm not powerless. And, I also know, oh, this is what's been given me to practice with. I feel it when I'm sitting. You know, Zazen is a great, I mean, I can honestly say, Zazen is, I really enjoy it. Just sitting here this morning, I'm always, I'm often disappointed when the bell

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rings. It's like, oh, I have to get up. Not from hiding out, but just from encountering myself, moment by moment, saying, oh, hmm, bad feeling, good feeling. Look at the river of feelings that's flowing. So, this mindfulness is very important. I mean, it boils down to something Sojin said to me long, long ago. He said, you should know where your feet are. That's mindfulness as well. Know where you're standing. Know where you're sitting. Know what's happening within this body. The second element, which you wouldn't necessarily identify with this verse, to place all obstacles on the path of enlightenment,

[30:37]

it has to do, it's related to that verse of that quotation from Tilgo Khyentse, recognizing the great kindness of beings. The great kindness of beings means beings and universe and your life is giving something to you, to me, every moment. Then, what do I get back? And I've really tried to hold this in front of me all week. Even if I'm worried or scared, even if I want to crawl back in bed, to be as, not falsely friendly, but just to be curious and open to anyone that I encounter, irrespective of their state of mind or anxiety. And I feel like, actually, the amazing

[31:48]

opportunity of my anxiety in this moment, in this week, is to allow me to do this more effectively, to be better at it, because I'm really paying more attention. I'm not just zoning out in my normal life. In one of my favorite Dogon teachings, Shishopo, the Bodhisattva's Four Embracing Dharmas, what he says about giving is, we offer ourselves to ourselves and we offer others to others. So, first of all, to offer ourself to ourself, this is what we're doing moment by moment in zazen. When we're here within the realm of the zendo, it's also very easy to see that

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by offering ourself to ourself, we allow others who are sitting side by side, we allow each being to be herself or himself, without having to do anything. In the world at large, to meet somebody with an open demeanor and with some composure, whether they are freaking out or not, allows each person to be herself or himself, and imperceptibly affects them. That's the Bodhisattva action. We're placing all these obstacles on the path of enlightenment,

[33:54]

not because we want to, not because we have a self-improvement project or program, or because I'm really tired of myself, I want to be different, but actually because we're offering to other beings. All of the commentaries speak to this. There's, by the way, three really excellent commentaries on this Lojong. Lojong means mind training. On these verses, there's Chögyam Trungpa's book, Training the Mind, which is fantastic. And he's, talk about radical, you know, he's very radical and compassionate at the same time. So he's talking about giving over and over again. And Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche has a book called Enlightened Courage,

[34:55]

which is also on these Lojong teachings. And there's a lot in Pema Chodron's book, I think it's Start Where You Are. I mean, these trainings have been really at the heart of practices that she's been doing for 20 or 30 years. They're all about giving. They're about keeping a gift in circulation, actually. First of all, you have to recognize, to recognize that these obstacles are being given to me. Oh, I'm being given a gift. Even if it sort of smells bad and the packaging is not so neat, it's a gift. It's something I can use. It's something that the universe, not God, but somehow causes and

[35:59]

conditions thought, well, Alan should have this today, you know, and he can figure out how to use it. Each of us is given gifts like this, moment by moment. I was given the gift, aside from the gift of having heart trouble, I was given the gift of finding this place. Everyone here in this room was given that gift by, you know, if we went around very quickly and found it, it's like a variety, some stories similar, some stories different, but it's like, you know, you may have noticed there's not a large neon sign outside. We have this tiny sign that's covered over by vines. It says Zen Center, if you can read that closely. So we've been given these gifts, and the act of giving means keeping the gift in circulation,

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giving it back, and when you receive something, let it transform and give something away. This is the Bodhisattvas are giving all the time. Bodhisattva Avalokitesvara, she didn't have enough hands to give things away, so she sprouted a thousand. So this is our practice, and it's important to understand that when we're sitting here, when we give ourselves to this practice, as we're doing in this practice period, you know, there's a lot of people are showing up very steadily. This has an effect. It has an effect on each of us, which means we can have an effect on the world. That effect, let me just say, and I'm going to end, there's three primary aspects of giving.

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The first is material things, which would include also aid of all kinds. The second is fearlessness, and the third is the Dharma. And as Bodhisattvas, sometimes we're conscious of giving these things, sometimes we just do this, sometimes our motivations may be somewhat mixed. Nonetheless, we are giving every moment, and some people may be able to receive material aid and not. Fearlessness or Dharma, people are open to different things at different moments. You don't necessarily have to decide what you should be giving, just give yourself.

[39:11]

When we come here, we don't know quite what that means, but we're giving ourselves. And then out in the world, we may be doing more so-called practical things. The world, different, when the world is full of misfortune, another translation, when the world is full of evils. So, that phrase affirms the fact, there are problems out there. And it doesn't say they're going to be solved necessarily by use it exhausted. What does say, if you do not, if this is what I feel, if I am not able to settle myself, then in a practical way, I'm not effectively going to be able to help a set of circumstances, a reality, a system, an individual.

[40:15]

So, this is our training. And when we do this training, then we awaken ourselves, we give ourselves to ourselves, and we can also ponder giving others to others. So, I think I will end there. I'd like to take a few minutes for, I'm sorry, this has been a little long. I wanted to play it out a bit. So, just a couple of questions and we can continue. I assume we'll have tea in the community room. So, Sue. Thank you very much for a helpful talk. And I just want to go back to your week and ask you to be even more specific about how you use these tools in the moment of fear and anxiety, like you were talking about your sister and what she went through. And there you are sitting with her, talking to a doctor, you're worried, you don't know what to ask the doctor,

[41:21]

you don't know how hard to push. I don't know. You're in a difficult situation. How in that moment are you bringing forward, making that obstacle part of your... Yeah, that's not the difficult situation for me. No, no. The difficult situation is when I'm by myself. The difficult situation is dealing with me. Some people would have a lot of anxiety giving the talk like this. That's not the realm that I have. But it's really the worst is lying in bed. And the irony is, I want to go back. There's something screwy there. But lying in bed in the morning and feeling that kind of weight of anxiety. And recognizing, actually this is recognizing the real power of Suzuki Roshi's, those two words by Suzuki Roshi, not always so.

[42:31]

I literally tell myself that. While I'm lying in bed, I tell myself this all the time. If I'm feeling really bad or I'm feeling scared, not always so. And then I say, look for, if you keep watching, you'll see when you are not caught by this, even though actually the internal, my physical situation is not any different from moment to moment. It's a matter of my mind and often it's a matter of only connect. So, yeah, Sherry. So Alan, to follow up on your response, I'm wondering if it's fear then that drives us to create monsters where they don't exist? Well, sometimes there are monsters, right?

[43:37]

Well, it depends on what you mean by a monster. There are people who do terrible things. There are people who do terrible things. Yes. And sometimes we're led to believe that there are people doing terrible things and it's not the case. That's true. That's true. So, you know, one of the things to do is to, also, I talk to my friends and my teachers. I check out my perceptions. I don't want to be self-deluded in either way, either falling into a dark hole or putting on my Pollyanna glasses. And I don't think many of you have seen me wear my Pollyanna glasses, but I wear them. Yes. So, that's where I rely on others as well as my own perception. And so, are you entirely certain that what you are hearing from others is absolutely true

[44:44]

or maybe partially true and on the basis of that partial truth and unreality? Well, the easy answer is yes. But I still have to, you know, what I have to look at is, does my perception lead in the direction of freedom for people or does it lead in the direction of a kind of cage or bondage? So, this is where the Buddhist in the Kalama Sutta talks about, you know, you have to see which way, you have to have an intuition. And then you test and see which way it goes. There's no, nobody's signing contracts. And what if you're wrong? And what if what you do actually does create a prison?

[45:48]

Um, then you have to persist and you have to correct your course and you have to repent and renew. And the fact of the matter is that nothing that we do is pure. It's all going to have, and we have no predictive, because what something looks good, looks like it's good, you know, in the moment or in this year, it may have, it may have a negative effect down the line. So, we're constantly having to find our balance, not just in mind, but also in action and in society. It's a complicated question. And still might fear them drive us to distort them. Yes. In fact, we could be cultivating that which is good and responding appropriately. Well, I think the question of this slogan is, how is this fear useful? What's being given to me by this fear? Is there something I can learn

[47:02]

in the, in the heart of darkness? Is there something that I can learn? That's what I trust. It's very useful. Yes. It's generally information about something. It's just no fun. These are real questions. I appreciate it. We have one more and then we have to end. Yes. Thank you very much. I think you really have, you hit on something for me there. I think the fear, exposing it to people that you trust and feel this confidence with, that you can take the power out of it. And I think because I like to hide out. And if I can take what would be called contrary action, as you would be doing. But I think what really kind of touched, what you touched on for me was the fact of sharing it, exposing it, showing the nakedness of this. And I remember one time telling someone

[48:08]

I was afraid of the dark. And I still can be. And just sharing it. I had other people say they felt the same way and it took the power out of it. It developed a weakness. And then when, if I can come back to some of what you said about focusing in and maybe sitting in some zazen, that was wonderful to me. Thank you. Well, thank you very much. And we can continue in the community room. Stay dry, but be completely soaked in the dharma.

[48:38]

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