I vow to teach the truths of love. Good morning. I hope that the practice period, for those of you who are in it, is helpful, that it's working well for you. To me it feels very buoyant. I'm enjoying it.

[01:01]

It's a little painful also because it holds up, for me as this year's head student, it's like holding up a mirror and I don't always like my reflection. Particularly giving a talk every couple of weeks, I run into my limitations and have to notice them. But I enjoy the whole thing and appreciate your support so far. And I appreciate you being at every talk. And I thought it would be easier if Mel wasn't here today, but he's here today. Today is our work day, and we do this once a year during the practice period, and we'll be working on this building, taking care of the outer.

[02:13]

Right now we'll take care of the inner part of this building, and later we'll take care of the outer part of this building. So I'd like to talk about sort of work-related, but maybe responsibility-related, taking some responsibility. for our place and for our life. The dialogue we've been working with during this practice period is from Dungshan, from the records of Dungshan. And we've talked about this little dialogue a couple times earlier. If you don't know it, that's fine. It's very simple. And I just want to, this dialogue, by going back over it time and time again, it's like improvisation. You can find, and this is true with a lot of Zen literature, you can find the different elements within the stories that lead you someplace.

[03:16]

And they usually seem to lead you where it's a good place for you to go at that time. So, but one aspect of this Deng Xian dialogue is, Deng Xian is going to be leaving his teacher and he says, when you're gone, how shall I convey your teachings? Or if somebody asked me what was your teachings, how shall I, what shall I say? Or in other words, how would you describe the essence of your teaching? And the teacher thinks for a little bit and says, just this one person, or just this one. So, when he's pressed by Dungsan to crystallize his entire teaching into one sentence, that's his sentence, just this one. And the interesting thing, according to the translation that I've been using by Bill Powell, is that the phrase in Chinese that he uses for just this one is a phrase that they would use in courts of law during those times.

[04:37]

When they asked the accused, are you guilty or innocent, if the accused was guilty, that person could say, just this one. This was a phrase that they would use to take responsibility for the fact that they had, in fact, committed this crime. So Dongshan uses this phrase to answer, I mean, Dongshan's teacher uses this phrase to answer Dongshan about his entire spiritual understanding. And so the implication there and the emphasis there is on what is taking some responsibility in the deepest and largest sense. And in seeing things from inside rather than from an outside perspective.

[05:42]

So, my question is, and my thought is, what does responsibility mean? What does it mean to take responsibility? And how is the kind of responsibility that we usually talk about the same kind of responsibility that Deng Chuan's teacher was talking about? There's another story, actually there are another couple of stories that have to do with Dogen, Zen Master Dogen, that are similar in their emphasis and I think maybe I'll just relate the the shorter one, the shorter version.

[07:01]

We have time, maybe the longer one later. The shorter version is Dogen, when he was about 23 or 24, had traveled to China from Japan to learn true Buddhism, true Zen, because he felt dissatisfied with his teachers in Japan. And he was at a monastery in the mountains in China And he was watching Tenzo, or the head cook, for the monastery. Tenzo was in his 60s, mid-60s, maybe 70, working in the really hot sun. It was like working down in Fresno or something when it's like 110 degrees. Like drying raisins in Fresno in 110 degrees. weather. He's down on his knees and the sun's beating down on his head.

[08:03]

He doesn't even have a hat on. He's just taking care of drying these mushrooms. And Dogen comes up to him and says, Why are you working so hard out here in the sun? At your advanced age, shouldn't you be studying sutras and working on koans or at least meditating? Somebody else could do this, you know. And Atenzo says, other people are not me. And if I don't do it now, when will I do it? And this has a big effect on Dogen. There's another story similar with Atenzo that conveys the same message actually. Both these stories have a big effect on Dogen. because Dogen's sense had been that physical labor was somehow a little bit different than practice.

[09:04]

And while Dogen was extremely devoted to practice, his sense of, he saw a gap between that and physical labor. While he could understand a monk exerting themselves with great energy in their practice or in their meditation, he had difficulty understanding why they would exert that same kind of energy or sacrifice in something as mundane as drying mushrooms. And this monk was conveying to him that actually his life was, at that moment, drying mushrooms. That was his entire life at that moment. And it's not a matter of measuring, well somebody else could do it, or maybe we could do it a little bit later. Those were secondary considerations. The primary consideration was, this was his job, his role as the head cook, as a tenzo.

[10:15]

And so he was just doing his job with everything that he had. And so this was the beginning of Dogen's understanding that practice and our life, our daily life, our mundane life, our work life, are not separate. And you would think that he would have already known that because that's like our anthem here. We're so used to that teaching that it seems rather obvious. Mel pounds it in every week. But, you know, the monks, Buddhist monks at that time, originally, didn't do manual labor. They were set apart. Well, they would take care of the ceremonies, meditation, teaching, and so forth, but they really weren't supposed to work.

[11:21]

They come from a background, Buddhism grew out of a background where the monks were sort of set apart from ordinary manual labor. And that's the tradition that Dogen really came out of. So it's more understandable that he could have that attitude. And of course the Zen began to develop. The Zen school in particular was noted for seeing manual labor as being integral and okay and not something separate. So in both of these cases the teaching is taking responsibility for your actual life from within and not from without, not according to some external expectation.

[12:41]

And I think of these different ways of considering responsibility. If you take the word responsibility, it's the ability to respond. You know, how do we respond to situations? And you could look at it like there's a way of responding which is looking for some personal gain. And a certain amount of our sense of responsibility has to do with what we're going to get out of it somehow, somewhere down the line. And it may be that we just get a good self-image out of it, makes us feel good about ourselves, other people will appreciate us, and so forth. As project manager here, I can see all this in just my role, how I handle my role here.

[14:08]

I consider myself to have a rather keen sense of responsibility. It seems to come rather naturally, and yet there's a good deal of It's a mixture of qualities in that sense. Part of that sense is that I feel like I'm a good person. The more responsible I am, the more of a good person I am. And other people appreciate it as well. If we have a good work day and all the work gets done and the zendo is really nicely oiled and sanded and people will, actually people don't appreciate oiling so much, they appreciate painting more. Oiling is, most people don't notice it. But I notice it, I notice the quality of the wood and it's dry and so forth, cracked. But people feel good, oh, this has been a good work day, and so I take some credit for that, along with Greg.

[15:19]

So it's a sense of responsibility, but it gets me someplace, too, because I know that I'll get some reward out of it. And then there's a kind of responsibility of you should. You know, your parents told you that you should be like this, and your teachers told you that you should be like that. And it's a kind of should responsibility, or that society told you you should be like this. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be like that, but just that sometimes the reason that we have that feeling is because somebody told us that we should, rather than coming out of ourselves, our own understanding. So what's the spirit that's being conveyed in these two little brief interchanges between practitioners, teacher and student, Tenzo and fellow practitioner?

[16:35]

I think it's finding that responsibility or that sense of connection or responding to situations that comes out of a wholeness, a feeling of wholeness, not so much feeling a separation of, I need to do that to accomplish some third objective. but just seeing that something needs to be done directly and taking care of it. And if you take that to the deepest level, I mean, that's really what our practice is about, is seeing what needs to be done and doing it, taking care of it. It may be something as simple as during zazen, during sitting.

[17:52]

What kind of responsibility do we feel during meditation? There's a kind of an ideal about being merged with everything and a kind of oneness. We talk about oneness. In the realm of oneness, you're not really necessary to talk about responsibility. It's almost irrelevant. If you're only in the world of oneness, it's not a matter of me being responsible for something else. But, you know, we don't live only in the world of oneness. So, there is some need to make decisions. But in sitting, in zazen, what kind of decisions need to be made? Or is there any sense of responsibility as we sit?

[18:58]

And who is it responsibility to? And where does that sense come from? And I think this is a critical issue, actually. It's not really an ethical issue. Oftentimes when we talk about responsibility, it has more of an ethical connotation. Are we irresponsible or are we responsible? But within zazen, it's not so much an ethical issue as, I don't know what to call it, but maybe The generation of our effort has to do with that. Why should we keep coming back to our body and our mind?

[20:14]

Why, you know, as we drift off and start thinking about something else, as we start to get sleepy and fall asleep, as we get anxious or as we get angry, why should we make the effort to bring ourselves back to our breathing, to our body? Originally or initially it might be because that's what we were taught in Zazen instruction, or somebody gave a lecture where they suggested that that was a good thing to do, but that doesn't hold up for a long time. So what is it that makes us keep coming back, or want to keep coming back, or being willing to make that effort?

[21:15]

And I think it has to do, and we can just use the word, although I don't want to overuse the word, is some sense of responsibility, but in its most pure sense, a responsibility that has nothing to do with some external expectation or external situation. If you have a good period of zazen, nobody will come, probably nobody will come and pat you on the shoulder and say, you really did a good job that time. nobody will hold you in high esteem because you did such a great job in your zazen. And if you just are completely spaced out during the whole period, nobody will come and say, geez, how can you do that? How can you be like that?

[22:24]

And sometimes you might think that Mel will do that to you, that he's like a spiritual cop. But he's not. That's not his role. And we don't want somebody, really, to be like that. And that's not his job. So in a way it's the purest kind of effort because there's no... we don't get a lot of strokes for it one way or the other. if we do a poor job we won't really get criticized. Although if you have a strong relationship with your teacher it will probably come out that that's what's going on and you can deal with that with each other. So somehow the answer or the quality of this feeling that I'm talking about or it's more than a feeling, it's a

[23:30]

an awareness, or... I'll just call it an awareness, is connected to these two interactions with Dengxian and also the Tenzo. That the buck stops there. The buck stops with both of them. That if I'm sitting, At some point I have to realize that there is no place else to go. And if you don't realize that, then you probably won't continue sitting. There'd be no point. Actually it's enjoyable to daydream. You could enjoy sitting and daydreaming. But that's not really sitting in the end. And I think also there's an aspect of value, of valuing as we sit, we value ourselves, we value our existence.

[24:59]

And not just our existence, but existence. And usually when we take responsibility for something, it's because we care about it. We value it, so we take care of it. And also there is the quality of responding. When we sit, we respond. Our consciousness or our awareness responds to the moment. When we daydream, we're not really responding. We're going off on a little trip. that serves our purposes because it may be more pleasant than the current situation, which may be painful. So, during sitting, to respond, to respond to the moment is our responsibility.

[26:01]

It only comes from us and doesn't come from outside. And I think that this isn't the total picture, but this is a good deal of what both of these teachers, Dongshan's teacher and Utenzo, were conveying in their total life as well. You know, we're not a hundred percent pure, we're not a hundred percent tainted. We're some combination, usually. So, ideally, we would have some sense of responsibility in our life that was not so self-centered, or not so... doesn't have such a strong gaining idea, but we do. And, on the other hand, we also have a very direct sense of caring for things, just

[27:07]

directly, without what's in it for us. And our lives are this intermingling of these two qualities. And I think when we talk about heart, we say that person has a lot of heart, maybe it means that they have They have more feeling for that direct feeling of caring. Not so concerned with playing the angles. So today, you know, some of us will stay and work on the Zen Do, and we'll take care of it. And that'll be a kind of responsibility. And we appreciate each other for doing it.

[28:09]

And then we'll go home, take care of something else. Take care of our family, friends, the cat, wash the dishes. I know you already washed all the dishes before you came. And then the next period of sitting will take care of that too. So I'd just like to ask you to consider Deng Xian's teacher summing up his entire life teaching, just saying, basically, I'm responsible, or just this one is responsible, and that's it. So, that's all I'd like to say. Do you have any comments? Well, first of all, you're aware of that.

[30:03]

You're aware that that's working like that. And it makes you feel uncomfortable somehow. That seems to be what you're saying. It's a no-win situation. It seems like what I want to do is just sort of abandon that whole thing. I don't know how to do that effectively. Well, you know,

[31:05]

When we began this practice period, Mel said that the theme that he wanted to talk about was subjectivity and objectivity, how we tend to objectify our lives and to see things out there. And a sense of responsibility is the same thing. When we see it out there, when my duty or my job is sort of like out there, it gets strange and it gets harsh. Being in various managerial positions here, I periodically fall into that, where I think I'm being really responsible and efficient by taking care of something, and it's an idea that I have, rather than an actual response to the situation that's sensitive.

[32:11]

And then I hurt somebody's feelings, because I start moving people around like pawns to take care of this responsibility, which is more of an idea than a response. So I think that the response is the important thing. That's the alive thing. That's where we're alive. And to the extent that it's not really a response is where it becomes dead and cluttered. And that reminds me of two poems that I forgot to read. These two poems are by, these are two death poems. We don't have this tradition here, but I think it would be interesting, not in the Berkley Zen Center, but just as a culture.

[33:18]

that apparently, at least the monks or the abbots, I don't know who qualified, but when they died, they would write down a little poem, like their last words. So, Master Dogen's teacher, Wu Jing, who was an amazing person, this is his death poem, his last words. The sins I have committed in the 66 years of my life fill the universe. As I beat myself, I drop into hell alive. And so then his student, So just kind of an upbeat way.

[34:25]

I feel like I'm in good company. And then his student Dogen, Zen Master Dogen, his poem was, for 54 years I illuminated the first heaven. I beat myself as I abandoned all clingings. Ah, there is no self to be sought as I now drop into hell alive. But interestingly, you know, the last thought in these poems is the word alive. So, yes, they may be dropping into hell or so forth, but they're quite awake as they're doing it. And they're quite alive as they're doing it. That doesn't appeal to you, huh? Just this one?

[36:00]

You're just this one. But just being this one, you're affecting other people in various sorts of ways and can be inspiring. You know, anger or love or other kinds of things. And I never know how responsible to be for those things. For those things that just in being I inspire. What do you think? I don't know what you can do about it. But are you responsible for those too? Yeah, I think so. Darn. But there may be more, you may be just noticing the negative, the negative side. I mean, you'll never know, right? You will never know. I said both positive and negative. Okay. Well, one thing that's good is you'll never know the extent of it. You never know the extent of the effect that you have on people around you.

[37:03]

Well, for example, one thing that I do, this is just one thing that I inspire, is that I am responsible for giving out a lot of money. And the fact that I do that, that's one part of my job, in my work, is doing that. It inspires a lot. People have a lot of things about money and about my position to give away the money. And it's hard for me to deal with all that. And basically my feeling about it at the moment is I just like to have a different job. But that's an example. That's one of the most extreme examples I could think of because that money is the most powerful thing, you know, and power. And those both have, your position has to do with power and money. And that's as wrenching as it gets. I mean, you know the answer is right, just sort of come from your heart and it will all work out.

[38:10]

What does hell mean though to these people? Does it really mean hell? No. Would you like me to say something? Yes. Well, in Buddhism, hell is not a permanent place. Necessarily. I think Christian, Western religion tends to divide. It's either heaven or hell, or purgatory. But in Buddhism, heaven and hell are just two modes.

[39:11]

There are a lot of other modes, animal realms, fighting demon realms, and when your karma is finished, when the effect runs out, if you happen to be in one of the heavens, of which there are 33, you go to So we say, in Zen practice, hell is just another place to practice. Another what? Place to practice. And I think that's what Robin's referring to when he's just talking about hell. You know, you and I have realized it. Thank you, because I just wanted to make sure. That's it. Dogen and Eugene, you know, I think,

[40:14]

He's not stuck there forever, hopefully. Yep, that's a good one. Well, that's a wonderful line, falling into hell alive, and it's really It's the most comforting thing about our practice, really. That wherever you are, there's a Bodhisattva there. The difficulty is to fall into hell dead. When I fall into hell dead, then I just go around and around and around in hell, until I'm fortunate enough that the Bodhisattva comes and reminds me that is not the only place.

[41:31]

And that's the blessing of our practice, I think, that we are able to receive the Bodhisattva in whatever place we are, including hell. Yeah. Redemption is always possible. Nobody ever told you the formula? Yeah. Somebody wrote you a note. What more do you want? I mean, obviously there's no answer.

[42:44]

It seems like it's choiceless in a way. It's like you just do the next thing that needs to be done. There doesn't seem to be a choice involved. I think there is a choice, yeah, because there's like a million things that could be done next. Right. That's what I think. Yeah, it's true. Maybe one more. I was going to go back to what Richard was saying about merit for being responsible. He said that I appreciated the way you talked about it as if you see that you get something out of being responsible. You think you're a good person and other people are appreciative. And that seems to me important for that to be okay, you know, for us to accept that about ourselves and not add on beating ourselves up because we want people to like us.

[43:46]

I mean, okay, so we do. But then to balance that with what you suggested about taking responsibility in places where like in Zazen, and we're not getting that kind of credit, so we get a chance to practice it the other way too, and actually there are other occasions too in our lives similar to Zazen, where we can take responsibility for ourselves in a sense that's just, that only we might know about, and we can use those times too. make ourselves an extra cup of tea or something, I don't know, or take care of ourselves in a way that nobody else is going to pay attention to or care about one or the other, but it is another kind of responsibility and attentiveness. But I really was glad for you making that distinction and having both be okay. You know, an example, it's a little bit gross, but it's a cutting edge example for me is when I'm driving and I see a dead animal in the middle of the road.

[44:57]

Maybe a cat, something sort of small. And my question is, should I stop and get out? I think it's horrible to have a dead cat just in the middle of the road, everybody's running over it. You should at least pull it over to the side and put it in the grass or something. It's a nice thing to do. But it's kind of gross and you're often in a hurry when you're driving and so forth. And yet I feel, and I see that nobody takes responsibility for that. Everybody thinks that that's just some disembodied cat someplace and doesn't belong to me and I'm driving. That's just the example that comes to mind. Sometimes I stop, sometimes I don't. You know, standing at the bar, asking if you have responsibility and acknowledging your guilt, acknowledging your responsibility.

[46:44]

I'm not talking about guilt in like a Judeo-Christian form, but I'm thinking about it more in the larger realm of complete interdependence, which implies complete complicity. But first, and to me that's also resonant with falling into hell alive, that at that moment of death they see there was so much that was left undone and that there's some suffering that still

[47:59]

I'm a crockpot here, Mark. Yeah, that's true. They are totally engaged in it. Okay, thank you.

[48:59]

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