There are a couple of things that I want to tell you about before my talk. I think many of you know this, but I've been invited to lead the winter practice period at Tassajara, the three-month practice period at Tassajara. I meet with the abbots and former abbots of Tassa Zen Center periodically, and we always talk about who's going to do that. And so I have said that I would be willing to lead a practice period at some time. I haven't led one since I was abbot, I think 1995. So I said that I would be willing to do that sometime if they needed someone to do that.

[01:07]

So it seems like this year, or next year, none of the abbots are available to lead the practice period. So they asked me if I would do it. That's the reason that I'm doing it, because they asked me to do that. So I wasn't exactly surprised, because I could see that they were having some trouble deciding who was going to do it. But I'm happy to do it. And it's a good opportunity for me. I haven't done it for 10 years. And whenever I go to Tassajara to lead a practice period, I always feel at home. There's something about it, everything just falls into place for me. So I kind of easily go back and forth between monastic practice and what I consider, I don't consider this exactly lay practice, but our practice, our practice here, whatever we want to call it.

[02:20]

When I'm at Tassajara, I don't really think about Berkeley. And when I'm in Berkeley, I don't think about Tassajara. I don't know whether that's good or bad, but I think it's okay. For me, it's the attitude of not really thinking so much ahead, but just taking care of what's in front of me. And maybe I do that to a fault sometimes. But still, sometimes when people say, what kind of attitude should we have when we go to Sashin? How should we prepare to go to Sashin? And I always say, don't prepare. Don't even think about Sashin. When it's time to get up in the morning, you just go up, get up, and you sit zazen. And you don't think about the next zazen period.

[03:27]

You don't think about lunch, maybe. You don't think about dinner. You don't think about the end. You don't think about anything down the line. You simply address the present moment without any preconceptions. This is actually the basis of our attitude in practice, to simply let go of preconceptions and deal with what's present with a fresh mind. So a fresh mind is most important. attitude or approach. This is actually called renunciation. And then we can deal with whatever is in front of us without some idea or some

[04:44]

picture, you know, without picturing what it's going to be like. When I go to Tassajara, I'm not picturing about what it's going to be like. I've already done it, so I have. But it's not going to be the same. It's not going to be the same at all. If I think it will be the same, something will match my picture. But if I just have this picture, then I won't see it as it is. I'd see it through my picture. And so often we see the world through our picture, through our frame. And, you know, the way that we get that we proceed in Sashin is exactly the same.

[06:04]

If we have a preconception of what our Zazen period is gonna be like, then we create a problem right away. And as soon as the pain comes up, it confirms our picture. Oh, I know what that is. That's the pain. Uh-oh, there it is again. But there is no again. It's only the first time that ever happened. And we have this picture of what it is. Oh, it's pain. But actually, that's just an idea. It's simply a feeling. And even that's an idea, but it's a better idea than the one that says, this is pain. It's okay to say this is pain as long as you don't believe in it. Zazen has two aspects.

[07:18]

One is confinement. and the other is great freedom, great expansiveness. If there's only confinement, then we haven't really penetrated the essence of Zazen, because the essence of Zazen is great expansiveness, total openness, and non-confinement. If we only are adhering to our picture, then we're just enclosed in this little frame of what our picture tells us or what we see in our picture. So it's important to find the great expansiveness within what we see as confinement.

[08:20]

In order to practice, we have to have some limitation. And the limitation is what helps us to experience the expansiveness. So within the limitation is where we find our freedom. So the kind of what seems like narrow, formal practice in the zendo is confining. It's actually an aid to help us find our expansive big mind. So without something small, we can't have something big. And without something big, we can't have something small. So what helps us in zazen is painful legs or some kind of problem.

[09:33]

We don't sit to have painful legs. You know, it seems like it, you know. You guys just sit, you're, you know, sadists. You sit to have painful legs. No, we don't. You know, we sit to experience a great freedom from painful legs. A great freedom within painful legs. Otherwise, it would just be kind of trying to get through something difficult. And often, Sashin is just trying to get through something difficult. She's, when was this going to end? When you find your freedom, you're not worried about when it's going to end. Until you find your freedom, it's just like, that's true. So that's why we have long session, you know, because it takes a while before you can actually let go of your idea and your fears and your preconceptions.

[10:47]

At some point, you just let go, and then you find your freedom. It's like falling through. It's like when the, it's called, when the bottom of the black lacquer bucket falls out. Until it falls out, it's a black lacquer bucket of misery. But when the bottom falls out, then it's great freedom and enjoyment. So in my own zazen, you know, people say, do you still have pain in your legs? You know, sometimes you jump off a tan, you know, and it looks like, you know, nothing special. So people think that I don't have pain in my legs. But ordinarily, I don't know what I have.

[11:53]

Actually, to tell you the truth, I don't know what I have. Something's going on in my legs, but I don't know what it is. Because I've gotten used to not clinging to whatever it is. So I just naturally don't cling to whatever is there. So then Samadhi becomes very strong. But during Sashin, there are times when I get a pain in my knee or in my legs and they fall asleep or whatever. It's no longer a problem. because I immediately open up to it.

[12:56]

And sometimes the pain will get really strong, or that feeling that we call pain will get very strong. And I kind of welcome that because when I open up to that and completely absorb it or completely let it be, then I find this big space Huge space, which is just a wonderful feeling. Because it's the feeling of opening the cage and flying. Just the feeling of rising above this, being caught by this thing. And instead of it being confining, that feeling is enhancing because it's transformed into something else.

[14:04]

Instead of being confining, it becomes comfortable, very comfortable. And so there's this kind of edge, you know. Sometimes, I remember when I first went to Sokoji, there was a big picture of a tiger, and then underneath it said, riding the tiger's tail. I thought, oh, that's interesting conception. That sounds like Zazen to me. You know, the tiger's tail goes, and you can either be the tiger or you can be the recipient of the tail. How do you ride that? How do you ride that animal? And when we have Manjushri, Manjushri sits on a lion.

[15:10]

There are different ways that Manjushri is depicted, but this Manjushri is, over there sitting on a lion, this Samantabhadra sitting on an elephant. So Samantabhadra is the Bodhisattva of shining practice, shining practice Bodhisattva who rides the elephant and the elephant takes one step at a time and knows where to put the foot. very sure-footed, that's Samantabhadra. Manjushri is riding the lion, who is very fierce, difficult. You know, we say if you, the old saying, if you want to get the tiger's cub, you have to go into the tiger's cave. If you want the real thing, you have to just go and get it. You have to enter that place that looks difficult.

[16:11]

So it's difficult, and we all have our difficulty, but the difficulty is what helps us. Without the difficulty, you don't get the thing. So we always say, those people who have the most difficult time and stay with the practice get the most benefit. because you learn something through that difficulty. If you don't have a problem, that's a problem. But then the problem is also the opportunity. So it's not a problem. If we have the right attitude, then whatever it falls in our lap is not really a problem, even though it's a problem. So we can tell a mature Zen student, when a problem arises in their life, they have composure.

[17:36]

They don't get thrown around by it. Which doesn't mean complacency. Complacency is not dealing with the situation. But composure is you totally face the situation without being thrown by it. And actually, the problem becomes a vehicle So I want to read you a little bit from Suzuki Roshi. He's talking about big mind and how we always should be, as a Zen student, residing in big mind.

[18:51]

which doesn't mean you don't make mistakes, but you're always returning to big mind, which includes our small mind, of course. But he says, he's talking about monkey mind, which is small mind. He says, it is possible to change your ideas because you know what kind of monkey your thinking is. Sometimes you follow the monkey's suggestion. Oh, yeah, that's right. If we go in that direction, we may get some food. OK, let's go. But when you see a better way to go, you may say, oh, monkey, it may be better to go this way. So if you stick to your greed or your anger or some other emotion, if you stick to the thinking mind, your monkey mind, you can't change. and your mind is not soft. So in our practice, we rely on something great and sit in that great space.

[19:55]

To just sit in that great space, that's Sashin, that's Zazen. No matter what's going on, even though you may become attached to the pain in your legs or whatever, you're still sitting in that great space. That's called samadhi. The pain you have in your legs or some other difficulty is happening in that great space. As long as you do not lose the feeling that you are in the realm of Buddha nature, you can sit even though you have some difficulty. When you want to escape from your difficulty or when you try to improve your practice, you create another problem for yourself. But if you just exist there, then you have a chance to appreciate your surroundings, and you can accept yourself completely without changing anything. And this is our practice, to just sit in that space with whatever's happening.

[20:59]

This is, you know, in our life, we're always looking for variety. But it looks like Zazen is. Not much variety. But if you are really present on each moment with whatever is happening, each moment is a brand new moment. Each moment arises as a brand new moment, and you appreciate and realize and live your life thoroughly on each moment. So this is zazen practice, to live your life completely and thoroughly on each moment, moment by moment. To exist in big mind is an act of faith, which is different from the usual faith of believing in a particular idea or a particular being. It is to believe that something is supporting us and supporting all our activities, including thinking mind and emotional feelings.

[22:09]

All these things are supported by something big that has no form or color. It is impossible to know what it is, but something exists there, something that is neither material nor spiritual. Something like that always exists, and we exist in that space, and that is the feeling of pure being. So this pure existence, something is supporting us. We don't call it anything. One Zen master said, if you call it Buddha, you should wash your mouth out with soap. But we call it Buddha. Some people call it God or whatever. In the Jewish tradition, you're not supposed to say the name of that thing. And actually in Buddhism, we're not supposed to either, but that's why we say Buddha is not God. Buddha is just a term we use for it.

[23:14]

So if you say it, it doesn't have anything attached to it. Whatever we point to is it. So it doesn't have a basis, nothing recognizable. But everything we point to is it. So this it is supporting everything. And we have faith in that. So we say sometimes, what is it? What is what we have faith in? We have faith in what? We have faith in is. And we have faith in it. What is it? What is it? What is it? So, Donian talks like this all the time.

[24:27]

That's why it's hard to understand him because we think in certain directions. But he undercuts our directional thinking. So he says, if you are brave enough to throw yourself into zazen for seven days, he's talking, this is seven days, this is three days, a little bit of understanding will help your rigidity and your stubbornness Almost all the problems you create because of your stubborn mind will vanish. I mean, that's ideal. If you have even the smallest understanding of reality, your way of thinking will change completely, and the problems you create will not be problems anymore. But it is also true that as long as we live, we will have problems. So don't practice Zazen to attain some big enlightenment that will change your whole being or solve all your problems.

[25:32]

That's not the right understanding. That may be what people call Zen, but true Zen is not like that. In Sashin, we concentrate on having the experience of true practice, forgetting about any idea of gaining anything. We just sit here. If this room is too cold, we'll make it warm. And if your legs become painful, you can stretch them. And if it's too difficult, you can rest. But let's continue to practice for these remaining days. So that's the other side of being very kind. Don't move. Sit still, don't move. That doesn't mean that you can't move. Whatever we say, there's always another side. So we encourage you to do something fully and completely, but we also understand that you can't do that.

[26:41]

We say save all sentient beings. I can't believe in that because I can't save, how am I going to save all sentient beings? You just take the vow, that's all. Don't worry about how you're going to save all sentient beings. You just take the vow. You just plunge in. Oh, I'm a failure because I'm not saving all sentient beings. You just have that intention, that's all. You just express your intention. Impossible intentions. Buddhism is full of impossible intentions. But that's what makes it vital. It's because although it's full of impossible intentions, the impossible intentions are possible. But we don't try to be perfect. We just simply do what's in front of us.

[27:47]

Buddha's full of impossible goals and intentions. Good. Just pass the salt, please. One step at a time. One breath in, one breath out. Don't even think about it. As you learned this morning, my old dog, our old dog, Bravo, he's actually in the process of dying. He's 14 years old. just about 14 years old, which is a pretty long life for a dog, big dog.

[28:54]

Big dogs usually don't last that long. But he was always pretty strong. And he had a strong constitution. He never got sick, that I can remember. And we treated him pretty well. And my wife has always made sure that he didn't weigh too much. One of the things about dogs, you know, is that people keep feeding them because they're always hungry. But the problem is that then they get fat, and then they get unhealthy. So I like trying to keep him, his weight down. And, you know, he has a very, wonderful temperament. He was the middle dog. You know, there are nine dogs, I think, nine puppies, and he was the one in the middle. People say, well, you should take the one in the middle because they're not too aggressive and not too weak. So we chose the one in the middle.

[29:56]

But you know, he's a funny dog. We named him Bravo, but actually his true name is Ferdinand. Because he was always afraid of everything. Terrible watchdog. Just afraid of everything. Some big aggressive dog would come by and he'd just try to hide under a car or something. But he always loved smelling the flowers. He would always be invited out to fight, but he'd always be smelling the flowers. And so if I'd take him for a walk, I'd be at one end of the block, I'd be down at this end of the block and he'd still be smelling this flower and then smelling that flower, and if I let him do that, it would take an hour for him to get to the end of the block. But you know, when he was young, he and his sister, Liz, my wife's cousin, he came from my wife's cousin's parents' dog.

[31:05]

And so she took one, a female, and we took Bravo. And so the dogs used to play a lot together, and they were really energetic. Big dog, big energy. When he'd run on a green field, just be magnificent. I never took him for a walk, ever, where somebody didn't say, oh, what an incredibly beautiful dog. People would just fall all over themselves when they'd see him, even up to, last week, you know, when he was just kind of, you know, barely able to move, you know. So, he was very unusual. I mean, still is, you know, but a very unusual dog. Very wonderful temperament and somehow just his presence, just his presence made people feel good. That's a wonderful gift.

[32:08]

So he'll be sorely missed, but his presence stays with us. Although his body-mind is leaving, he leaves us with something of his presence, and that's important and wonderful. And the fact that We may think, well, you know, it's a terrible loss, but everything's a terrible loss, you know? Liz's father, my wife's father, is also in the same, just about the same place where Bravo is, you know? And so she has to go to Pasadena and take care of him. And the plum tree out there, you know, that plum tree is, you know, on its last legs, you know? We're gonna have to cut that down. And the thing about Bravo is this creature that you want to keep alive as long as possible, and yet you have to take the initiative to kill him or to put him out.

[33:32]

So that's difficult. So, little by little, I could see his legs, his hind legs going, and just kind of a nerve degeneration, which happens to old dogs. But I wanted to keep him moving as much as possible. And so, I would, I remember walking around King School, which I take him every night, or this long walk, and sometimes around King School. And then one time, he just, I got halfway around, and he just laid down. So I had to pick him up, he weighed about 80 pounds, 75 pounds, and carry him. I couldn't carry him too far though. Then he'd walk, then he'd lay down, I'd pick him up, and then he'd lay down. We went through this, it took him a long time to get home. But that was the beginning of his real degeneration. But he would recover for a little while, and then we'd walk a little bit.

[34:35]

I'd take him for small walks, and then he'd degenerate, and then he'd come back. And so this kind of went on and on and on, until finally just, I went home Saturday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, yesterday actually. And I picked him up and his legs were just gone, just like they weren't even there. So then we realized that we had to, this was the time to really do this euthanasia. So we contacted a vet who comes to the house and does this. So he's gonna be there between three and four. That's the time he could be there. So I'm gonna leave after a lunch and spend a little time with him. So, you know, how do we think about this?

[35:40]

Birth and death are the natural order of things. I'm not thinking too much about it, actually. I'll respond to him when I get there and we'll do what we have to do and have a service and some mourning and some feelings and whatever it is that comes up. I asked Huitzu one time, I said, how do you think about, what do you tell people about, how do you help people when they're dying, what do you say to them? He said, well, I say, don't worry, everything else is going right along with you. You're not alone, this is just, you know, there's a,

[36:44]

an arising and a cycle, and everything in the world is going right along with you. Some things are early and some things are later, but this is the way it goes. But, you know, Some things make us happy and some things make us sad. But in the natural order of things, things are just going on. This big thing is just going on the way it's supposed to. If we think it's not supposed to, we'll have a problem. But it's just going the way it's supposed to go. And there's something, unhappy about it, something about it that makes us unhappy, but also something about it that makes us, allows us to be realistic, real. So on the one hand, on the absolute level, things are just going the way they're supposed to go.

[37:57]

Not good or bad or right or wrong, it's just they're going the way they're supposed to go. But on the human level, as Dogen says, flowers fall with our desire and weeds spring up with our chagrin. And death is also renewal. I think we have to understand that death is also renewal. My bow tree in my office, the leaves get dry and they start falling off. And then at a certain point, I just cut them all off. And then these new green shoots, leaves, beautiful leaves.

[39:04]

They're all shiny and new, and they just spring out, and then there's a whole new blossoming. And this just keeps going on over and over again. It's not seasonal. I don't know why it is. It has its own season. So I think we have to be, content with that, realizing that birth and death, or birth and renewal, birth, death, and renewal are going on all the time. How it works, I don't know, but I have faith in that big, that big thing is supporting everything, and it's got to be right. If it's wrong, too bad. There has to be something right about it.

[40:05]

So, instead of, we can feel, I don't know about instead of, We can feel a lot of sorrow, but we also can feel some joy at the same time. Birth is joy, and at the same time, there's something sorrowful about it. Death is sorrowful, but at the same time, there's something joyful about it. Do you know about Tozan's stupidity meal? I've told you about this before.

[41:14]

When Tozan was dying, I don't know how he did it, but according to the story, he sat, maybe he sat Zazen, and closed his eyes and died. And all the monks started crying. And he opened his eyes and he said, you call yourself Zen students? Crying because I'm dying? He said, I'm gonna stick around for another week. And I want you to prepare a stupidity-edifying meal. and we'll have a big feast, and then I'll go." So the monks busied themselves and prepared this big feast. And then at the end of the week, they had this big stupidity clarifying meal, whatever it was called.

[42:22]

And he said, now I'm satisfied. It was a big celebration, actually. Now I'm satisfied," and he sat down and died. So I don't say we should follow Tozan's example, but it's a pretty good example. You should cry. When somebody close dies, it's okay to cry. But it's also important to understand what's happening. Not just get buried by your emotions. If we can understand what's happening, it's to our credit. It's helpful. I remember reading about Monet, when Monet's wife was dying, he said, I was watching her face and as her face was becoming more pale, the blues and certain colors were standing out in her face.

[43:47]

And I was so fascinated by those colors, it made me feel really guilty. That was becoming the focus of my attention rather than paying attention to her dying, feeling that his attention was being drawn up by his attachment to form and color. Interesting, the things that we think and the ways that we have of relating to all this. So no one can say what's right or wrong. We all have to deal with it in our own way. So a kind of mixture of sorrow and understanding are important. to express our feelings and to help to reinforce our understanding.

[44:55]

Do you have a question? In my experience, it seems that when people die, some people who die have an enormous amount of attachment to their lives and worries, and they struggle a great deal because they don't accept really what's happening to them. And so the people around them struggle much more. For those people who accept what's happening, it actually is much easier on everyone else because they can understand the naturalness of death as well.

[46:13]

And animals, animals are wonderful teachers because what happens to them they accept. They show me how to accept what's happening in the world. I was going to say something about that. I'm glad you reminded me because in his case, he stopped eating and even drinking. And this is natural process for an animal. They know, somehow nature prepares them. And they probably feel some fear. I don't doubt that. But they just go along with the process without thinking about it too much, you know. And that makes it in some way easier. You know kind of what to do in some way.

[47:14]

Yeah, that's true. The body just naturally starts shutting, and the mind starts shutting down as well. Disorientation, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's interesting too because we're going through this. I can't say verbal, but you can't converse with her anymore. It's not because she has dementia. She's quite clear, but her energy is so measured out. If you ask her a question, she answers it to the extent that she understands what's going on, which she does.

[48:21]

something. But it's just, it's interesting. We have another standard. Even though this is no fun for her in any way, and yet there's something we've Everything is slowly shutting down. Practical questions and ethical questions. So we just watch this. But it's not clear what to do. Meryl wrote a book about hospice. And it's called Be Present and Do Nothing.

[49:55]

Stay close and do nothing. But the doing nothing is doing a lot. But also with Bravo, I think that his not eating and not drinking is partly because he knows that he doesn't want to pee where he is, he doesn't want to Because he can't get up to do those things. And he knows if he takes something in, something will have to come out. So it's also a kind of cleaning up process of preparing.

[50:37]

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