I don't know who I am, but that's okay because I don't either. I do know what I do, and I'll talk something about what I do. Say your name. You want to say my name? I'm Grace Shearson, and I've been practicing here in Brussels Street probably for a dozen or more years, and before that I was at Dwight Way. when the Zendo was there. And I'm becoming a new priest, so doing all of this, getting to this seat, is not so easy. And I used to watch Mel play with his robes, and I think he was just randomly playing with his robes. And then he taught me how to do it. And I see it's a ritualized, orderly, random playing with robes.

[01:02]

And now I can do it too. So, Meili suggested that I might talk about the process by which I became a priest and what that was like. And at first, this last week when I started thinking about it, it felt a little bit distant. distanced from where I am now since it was a long process, about 10 years worth, and then I seemed to enter a new place. But as I started to prepare for the talk, everything came up again. All of the difficulties and aspirations that had made the process so rocky and emotional, and probably so long, came up for me as I was preparing for the talk. Even though I've been practicing here for a long time, you may not see me so often because about two years ago I moved up to the foothills in a town of about 800.

[02:14]

We have several hundred acres. My husband's family has land there and we had been going there for weekends. And I moved up there to work in a medical clinic where I do psychotherapy about two years ago, and I live there full-time, and I come here for sessions. So I do therapy there, and I have groups that I do for children and for women, and I do a chronic pain group in the Jon Kabat-Zinn style. And I also have a little Zen group that's forming there. And on Wednesday nights we sit and we have a class in the hospital where I work. And on Thursday I have a sitting in the Zendo that's above my barn at the ranch. And we have a potluck supper and a study group. And on Sundays we have a sitting and a service and a talk. and tea in the zendo at the ranch.

[03:15]

Also, I write a column called Shrinkwrap, which is from the local Sierra Star, where I freely dispense zen and psychological advice in response to people's questions. And when I don't get any questions, I write a question and then I write an answer. So I have a lot of opportunity to talk about my practice and to share my practice with others. So as I was getting ready for the talk, I noticed that I felt differently about speaking here than I did in my everyday life. And I noticed that there was something I wanted to get out of it. that was very much like my wanting to become a priest. There was some attainment, you know, that I'm going to give this really wonderful talk, and gee, who's here, you know, so maybe I could become really famous.

[04:23]

And that there was something I was trying to get out of it, and at the same time I was having to deal with this fear of rejection. that was also very much part of the process of becoming a priest because for 10 years Mel said no and each time it would feel like rejection. So then the process was very much alive for me and on Thursday night I had a stack of Zen books out and was in something of a tizzy about it and one of the women who studies with me said, And what are you doing? I said, well, I'm preparing for this talk that I'm giving at the Zen Center. But really, all I want to talk about is my chickens. And she said, well, you should talk about your chickens. So I decided to talk about my chickens. And I have at the ranch horses and dogs.

[05:27]

And I have five cats. And I have birds that I feed, wild birds. hummingbirds that are my pets, and I have fish in my horse's water trough. So I have quite a few animals, and now I have chickens. And before I got the chickens, I really wanted chickens. And my husband, who finds me to be somewhat disorderly, and I get into my animals. I like my animals, and also I'm disorderly, so it's something of a difficult combination for him. had made several proclamations, which is, you're turning my adult lifestyle, our children have left home, into Old McDonald's Farm. And no new species, which included chickens. So, because I wanted goats and miniature donkeys. And so, but then I went to Tassajara.

[06:30]

for 90 days, and I think my husband kind of missed me during the 90 days. And I think he even missed my being disorderly. So he built a chicken coop while I was gone, and he filled it with laying hens and a rooster. When I came back, he said, I didn't want you to have to sit by yourself up here in the mountains. So you'll always have someone to sit with. And he put a sign on the chicken coop that says, Hendo. So I was really excited. I had actually had a dream when I was in Tassajara. He kept this as a complete surprise to me. He kept telling me, I have a surprise for you. And he was just so excited about it, but he didn't tell me what it was. And before the seven day Sashin in Tassajara, I had a dream that I had a pet tiger.

[07:34]

And the tiger was not an infant, but was not full grown. And the tiger, Even though it was peaceful, it had the potential to become very violent. And so, in the dream, the way I was to keep the tiger peaceful was to feed it eggs. And so, before the seven-day Sashin, I got about a dozen eggs and made myself a large frittata, which I had in one piece every day of the seven-day Sashin at the Asahara, to keep myself peaceful, but it didn't work. So it was clear I needed many more eggs, and when I got home, there they were. And I became very excited about the eggs, because it was like Easter. Every morning I would go in, and there would be these eggs, like in a basket, you know. And sometimes they were still warm. And so, like a little kid, you know, I want to go collect my eggs. And I must say, that's the same part of me that maybe wanted to collect being a priest.

[08:38]

And so I got a little bit over focused on the eggs to the extent that my first disaster in the coop was that I was excited and I came home from work and it was after dark and the chickens didn't know me well enough and I went in to get the eggs and the next morning one of them was dead probably from a heart attack because just the fright of having someone enter the coop at night. So I had to learn not to focus on the eggs. But it was a long lesson. And so I really loved this machine. It was something like zazen, you know. You come, you do zazen, and out comes some peace and tranquility. And you give the chickens this feed, and out come these eggs, you know. It was really magical. The next thing that happened, to show me the process was a little more complicated, was that one of my hens started fighting me for the eggs.

[09:41]

And she would peck me and really wouldn't get off the nest. And I didn't know what it was. I hadn't ever read anything about chickens. I just thought you feed them the eggs, that's the end of it. So I called one of my neighbors who did not know what this meant. And then I spoke to the handyman who had built the coop and who had raised thousands of chickens for a large production. And he said, well, it sounds like she's getting kind of broody. And you have to break the brood. You have to break that brood she's trying to brood. She's trying to hatch them. So you have to break it by getting her off the nest. And then she'll, you know, forget about it because these chickens that you have are bred to lay eggs and they're not bred to reproduce. So she doesn't remember what to do anyway. So I've decided that I would try to chase her off her nest.

[10:44]

But she wouldn't go. And even so, she got a kind of, she looked like she had a fever. and that she was in Sashim. She just had this kind of faraway look in her eyes. And just wouldn't pay attention to anything else. She didn't look around. She just was sitting there and wouldn't be budged. So I got a book by this time to read about chickens and I saw that these were the true signs of broodiness. That she really was not to be messed with. And knowing that she could die of it. because she would sit there every day and she had this heat coming out of her breastbone to make the eggs warm. And she would only get up once a day and make a big show of it and go get food. and water and then return to her nest. So it's a little bit like taking a break during Sashin, you know, it's right back to the seat. And if I kept taking the eggs away from her, she would keep sitting until she just ran out of fuel.

[11:48]

So I had already delayed the process by about 10 days and so I was very concerned. So I collected eggs from all the hens and I put them under her. And now I really began to appreciate her spirit. and how even though she was told that this was something that she couldn't do, she persisted in finding her way and in following the instinct for what she really wanted to do. And I called her Broody. And when 21 days later, the chicks started to hatch, my handyman and I helped deliver them from the shells, because Prudy wasn't entirely clear about what her part was. But it was really something to watch when the chicks came out, because she knew just what to do in terms of being a mother.

[12:50]

And she, just like in the storybook, She kept them under her for one day. The second day she took them out for a walk through the coop and they all followed in a line. And then you could see her giving them lessons and how to, what her various chirps meant and she would show them how to peck and look for food and And then she would give the fire drill sound, which meant, all of you get under my wings. And they would all quickly come under her wings. And then I learned from the chicken book that she had actually been talking to them while they were still in the shell. And so they knew the sound of her voice. So I was pretty blissed out. I had four new hens, which meant many more eggs coming. I'm getting maybe eight to ten eggs a day at this point. I'm not eating all of them, but I'm trying.

[13:52]

But there was one problem. I got four hens and I got three roosters. You can only keep one rooster in the hen house at a time, you know. And nobody really wants roosters. And so I looked over my rooster situation, especially thinking about the strength of my chickens and wanting all those eggs. And I decided that the old rooster I had, who I had named Rodney, was inadequate. And Rodney had come from my neighbor where he had been the second honcho under a very dominant rooster. And that had created a lot of anxiety for Rodney. And you don't know that chickens get anxiety, but he'd eaten his toads. And so it was true. He had had anxiety. And it was not amenable to therapy.

[14:56]

So he was somewhat fearful. And I didn't think he was an adequate rooster for my group. And besides that, because he was submissive, the hens were pecking him. So he was hen-pecked. And he was missing feathers. And he kind of looked ratty. And so he was walking around, you know, he didn't have that good rooster strut. And, you know, he was missing his feathers and he had no toes. But you know, roosters are a very powerful symbol of masculinity. And they don't call them cocks for nothing. So my husband was very upset when I talked about getting rid of Rodney. He said he could really identify with Rodney. After all, he'd been hand-pecked all these years. And he had sired children, as Rodney had. And he had really, you know, done his job.

[15:59]

And here I was, you know, throwing this rooster out of the coop. And I could certainly see, as a psychologist, that my husband was over-identified with Rodney. I didn't see my own part in it. You know, what my relationship to aging was, and wanting the young stud in the coop. So, I found a home for Rodney. And Peter settled on that. He said, well, after all, they're your hens and you'll do what you want. I just think this is a mistake. So then I had three roosters to choose from. And I had one who I called Nani, which in Japanese means, what is it? Because he was kind of nondescript. And unfortunately, he'd chip off the old block. And very much like Rodney, kind of wandering around, not knowing what he was up to in the coop. And then I had a second one who I named Mr. Goldbloom because he had beautiful golden plumage and he was quite elegant and very charming.

[17:05]

And I was quite taken with him as a rooster and he was really my favorite. But I thought I was supposed to choose the strongest and the, you know, biggest and the one who really could strut in the coop. And that was the one I named Bob's big boy. And so I kept Bob and I got rid of Mr. Goldbloom. I found a home for him and Nani, which was not easy. But I gave away a hen with each rooster and so they went. And everything was going fine until a few weeks ago when more lessons in minding the hen house came to me. Uh, I noticed that one of my hens, uh, was looking kind of funky. And that's her name, Funky. And she had a lot of feathers pulled out right behind her head. And I had seen this before, and I thought this was, meant that she was kind of a favorite of Bob, and that when he was mounting her, he was sort of biting on her feathers.

[18:11]

because I'd seen him do this to another hen before, and I'd given that one away, thinking that this was a way I would cure him of the behavior, but he'd just found another one to do this to. And not only that, she was hiding in the corners of the coop, and she was very frightened. And so I decided to just watch Funky and to see what happened. And a couple days later, my dog, Buster, my watchdog was making a lot of commotion down at the hen house and Buster watches the hens like people would watch their favorite soap opera on TV. He's down there viewing them all day long. But this was different. I mean he was really barking and when I went down I saw that Funky had been ravaged Not only were all the feathers missing from her neck and from her lower back, but a big hunk of flesh was missing from her neck.

[19:13]

And so I took her out of the hen house and put her in the isolation coop. And this is where I try to do therapy with my chickens when they're doing something off. So I have a special place I put them to separate them. And then I stood down by the coop to watch what was happening. And probably by mistake, Bob's over-enthusiastic, amorous style had resulted in him biting Funky, but he had certainly developed a taste for flesh. And I saw him therefore mounting the other hands quite frenetically and biting at their necks. So I called a vet to see if perhaps trimming his beak would change his ways. The vet said, well, we can trim his beak, but he won't change his ways. So then I had to make a decision about what to do with Bob. So I decided he had to go out of the coop because he was really attacking everyone, including my favorite broody.

[20:18]

And, uh, uh, so I put him out of the coop thinking that the coyotes would come get him. But the coyotes didn't get him. He just stuck very close to the coop. And so the next day, I realized I couldn't keep my dogs penned up forever. And if I let them out, they'd probably chase Bob away, because after all, Bob could fly. And he could fly into a tree and he'd maybe go off somewhere. But unfortunately, he went into the brush. And Buster grabbed him and either broke his neck or gave him a heart attack. Because Buster had a mouth full of feathers, which I did not correct. I let him deal with the feathers in his mouth. And Bob was dead. And so I went to the neighbor who had Rodney. And I said, you know, it's the season for brooding, to begin brooding again. So I need to have a rooster so the eggs are fertile. Can I borrow Rodney for the season? And when I told my husband Peter, I don't think I've ever heard him laugh that long or that hard.

[21:22]

But I told him the story of the return of Rodney. So everything was going along fine. Now Rodney was back and since he'd been away and he'd been in a smaller coop, he'd regained his confidence. He still didn't have any toes. He was looking good. He was able to stand up to the hands now. And Funky was in the process of healing. This really brought new meaning to compassion when I had to chase that bloody head around to put medicine on her. But I did. And Funky was healing. And then there was a thunderstorm. And Albert, my 14-year-old black lab, gets very excited during the thunderstorm. And usually I give him tranquilizers, but he's getting so old I didn't think he could do anything. Well, he broke into Funky's cage. So in the morning, I came down after the thunderstorm and found Albert in Funky's house.

[22:28]

And no Funky. Not even remains of Funky. I said, my God, he ate her whole. There's nothing even left of her. But, as I sorrowfully went to get Albert's food because I had to go to work and I was just going to bring him his food and let him stay in Funky's house that day. I saw Funky in Albert's house. And Funky had survived by slipping through the fence when Albert slipped in. And then when Albert stopped being hysterical, he couldn't get out of the fence because, you know, it was only a small hole. So Funky was safe and she kind of was like, hey, I pulled this one off. So you might wonder why I spent so long talking about my chickens. But I think that chickens always come home to roost. And we have to know who's watching the hen house. And our chickens are very much like our thoughts and our impulses.

[23:29]

First we have to name them. We have to view them. And as Suzuki Roshi said, we need to give them, not chickens, but chickens you need to give a comfortable coop, but horses, cows, sheep, goats, whatever, we need to give a large pasture and watch them very carefully. So, first of all, though, we need to know what they are. We need to name them. And, you know, we can't control them. They're going to do what they're going to do. But we can name them, and know them, and watch them. So, in this process of my becoming a priest, I had an instinct that this was something I wanted to do. Very much like Brutti, but without her perseverance. And maybe 10 years ago I went to Mel and said, you know, I think I want to become a priest. And he said, well, you know, you have a lay practice and you're a good example of lay practice.

[24:34]

And so I stopped hatching it. But I did feel like funky, you know, fearful and rejected. And I couldn't identify it as clearly as I can now. after many years of watching it. So then, after a couple more years goes by, you know, I come into cycle again, like Rudy, you know, I wanted to be a priest, and Mel says, I don't see you as a priest. So that's very painful, because So I might not seem broody as a mother. Very painful because I finally was able to articulate it to him with the help of many of the other hens. From the trip that I went to Japan with, you know, I went to Japan with a group of women and we all talked about this.

[25:38]

And I said, well, you should really ask him what he means by that. Instead of just accepting it and getting off the nest, you should really understand what that means. So I went back and I asked him what it meant and he said, I don't know, I can't explain it to you. Which is very much the way he teaches. But at this point I was really beginning to identify this funky feeling that when he said, I don't see you as a priest, I really felt hurt and rejected. So I said to him, you know, you can't say that to me anymore. You can't say, I don't see you as a priest anymore. You can say, you're not ready yet. But when you say that to me, it really hurts my feelings because I want to be like you when I grow up and I feel like you're saying, I never will. I'm qualitatively different.

[26:39]

I'll never have your mind. So I said, so you can tell me that I'm not ready. He said, okay, you're not ready. It's very rare that I can get him out to say what I want him to say. So anyway, it was something of a victory. And once I could get out of that funky feeling to confront, I'm not ready. Well, what does that mean? It's not like he was going to give me a map of how to get ready. You know, just like Birdie, I had to just sit on it and see if my instincts for becoming a priest would revive, you know, would come back, even though somehow I had lost them. And it seems to me that even though we watch our hands in a comfortable coop, or we give our cow a very large pasture, there's a point where we become trapped.

[27:46]

And to me that's the point where you really are engaged in your practice. And so my trap was having these feelings of really wanting to have something. And so Mel and I would talk about what it would mean and he would sort of keep fanning the fire a little bit of what it meant to really want something. At the same time, to not get it. And to have the feeling of rejection come up so strong. So both of these feelings really created a trap for me. And that trap is very much described in the Hokkyo Zamai where they say, on the outside still, on the inside trembling, like a tethered colt or a cowering rat. And, you know, in some way we think that that means we're supposed to avoid that place, but in fact, this is where our practice really finds its roots.

[28:55]

And in the same Hokyo Zamae, the sutra that says, turning away and touching are both wrong, for it is like a massive fire. So, I couldn't leave it and I couldn't grasp at it, and trying to find some harmony and some peace of mind while I went through this very painful process for many years, was how my practice took shape for me. And I think that each of us experiences this trap during Sashin. That's the purpose. We get you in here, we trap you, you're tormented, and you, you know, you get to this place. And generally what will happen after a certain number of sittings is that something begins to hurt very badly, whether it's emotional or physical, and your fear about that pain gets very strong, you know, it's very funky, and your desire

[30:13]

to either be a good Zen student or have a good practice, and to sit still, also arises. And so there you sit, trapped, until you find the place in your Zazen that provides you with resources to stand still in the midst of this massive fire. So, This is how each of us find the way to practice. And for me now, the state of the practice is, Funky is healing, and Bob is gone, but he may return. Rodney is back, and Brody it's definitely finding her instincts and trying to find them in a way that doesn't dominate the hen house.

[31:20]

And each of us has the thoughts and impulses in ourselves that are recurrent and familiar and chronic that we need to find and to name and to watch. And in the place where we find our resources, we find a way to allow ourselves to be without creating trouble. So now in the hen house, I listen for that happy sound that the chickens make. My handyman was very pleased with the coop he'd built. And he came over one day and he said, do you hear that sound? It was kind of... And I said, yes. He said, that's the sound they make when they're happy. Which is very different than the sound they make when they lay in aid.

[32:27]

Or the sound they make when they're fighting with each other or with Rodney. Which is a kind of irregular shriek. He said, you hear that sound? That's the sound they make when they're happy. And when he told me that, I didn't understand the deep meaning of it. I was very interested. Why will I care about that? I'm very interested in how many eggs it will lay. And now I'm watching the hen house and listening to the sound that they make when things are harmonious. and we all need to know what the harmonious signs are in ourselves. How do you watch your inhales and listen or feel the sounds and the feelings of harmony? Can you find it in your breath? Or can you find it in your hara, in an open feeling in your hara?

[33:34]

or just in the sound of the chickens just talking in that low voice and not yelling at each other in your head. And so I encourage you to enter the trap with Broody's persistence and then listen for the sounds that are the sounds of harmony in yourself when you find your composure. And maybe now I have you trapped. And I hope you have some questions for me. After so many years of wanting to become a priest, now that you have become a priest, how does it feel? How do you feel? I feel like I'm on my nest. So you have achieved what you wanted? I've returned to my nest. And he was right.

[34:59]

So that's why I'm asking that. Well, did you hear the answer? Yeah. It was interesting. I came yesterday evening to do Zazen. I stayed here last night. It's a long drive and it was starting to snow at the ranch. And I saw Quan Lam and he said, Welcome home. That felt right to me. So it's more of a feeling of returning home. But it could have been an attainment that was empty, unless the other work was done. So maybe if you had done many sesshins while thinking about the laika, it might have felt different to you. David? Now that you've been atlas of a hendo, Well, you better ask the coyotes what my fate is.

[36:06]

It's too unpredictable. Well, I think you need to mind, you know, the hen house, you know, even if it's from the role of Rodney. And whatever it is that you're doing, do with great affection and attention. Because I look like Bob I think I had a certain strut does that make sense Yes, yeah, do you see you know you describe your Do you see that as a metaphor for enlightenment in some way?

[37:17]

Yes. So, I suppose a long, gradual approach versus the instant approach of, say, going down to buying some fabric and selling it on the road. Or ordering it from Baumwitt Teller. So, could you talk about it a little bit? Yes, it was just that turning away and touching are both wrong, for it is like a massive fire. It was extremely painful, and it was painful for many years, and it was painful every time I came here, and it was painful every time I sat, and it was painful every time I talked to him. And it was that kind of pain that was creating the fire that needed to burn off some of what I was dragging along with me. Yes?

[38:17]

Well, Mel's a bit of an arsonist himself, so he can light the fire pretty good and burn off a fair bit with you. You have to be willing to be burned. I think that the position has helped actually, or the priesthood, entering the priesthood, has helped to humiliate me further, because I can't do anything. I noticed this morning, by the time I got my zagu down, everybody else was bowing two or three times. And so the lack of coordination and ability and what's required is significant. And the practice, is present, and it was a sense that I had, just like Buddhi had, that I needed to deepen my practice in this way, to sort of penetrate through the core.

[39:44]

So I notice now that there's so many times, once I have my robes on, that I have to be aware of the preciousness of life. The times that I want to go to the bathroom, you know, and then I have to take this layer off, and this layer off, and that layer off, And so it's much more present as a practice to keep leveling me. Shannon. Why did you want to be a priest? And what does it mean? And if it's changed, can you say something about how it's changed? I know that's a big question. Well, I'm not sure why Rudy wanted to hatch those eggs either, but it's just something she needed to do. I guess someone said to me something recently about being a priest is like, is living a life of vow, and so what's the vow? I think the vow for me is being true to myself at the same time that I'm true to the practice.

[40:48]

And one more, Mary? Do you know what changes that you went through that made Mel feel like you were ready to You'll have to ask him that. I became more familiar with funky. I really started to know that fearful side of myself that caused me to be so aggressive.

[41:19]

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