And I want to express my gratitude over these months for all the support I've received. Support from Lori and my family, support from Sangamundars, support from near and distant friends. And just to see you all, I think there's like 125. For 130 people here today, it's incredibly moving. It can just barely stop the flow of tears. The bulk of this talk hopefully will be some dialogue between us. We begin with a classic koan. and what has been a twist on that koan over the last four or five months.

[01:11]

Can you hear me okay? Yeah. That's good. Favorite cases from the Book of Serenity. Yunyan asks Dao Wu, what does the Bodhisattva of great compassion do with her many hands and eyes. Dao Wu says, it's like a back for a pillow in the middle of the night. Now this is something we take for granted, right? Nobody asks whether they deserve to be comfortable, to have the pillow correctly placed behind their head. Now who asks Union, how do you understand this? Union says, all over the body, there are hands and eyes.

[02:15]

That's pretty good, but you only got 80%. Union says, well, how would you put it, brother? And Dawu says, throughout the body is nothing but... So this means to me that our whole self is a field of perception and awareness. Not just outside and surrounding the body, but recognizing that it There's no distinction between internal and external. So whatever I'm feeling in my hospital bed at that moment, no matter what it may seem, is actually the whole inescapable world that I exist in.

[03:29]

As Sojan Roshi used to say, everything is a task to see what you will do. I've been well tested for the last months, and sometimes, today, and sometimes I fall short of the mark. This con has always seemed for me to be such an essential teaching for me. But recently I came to a different understanding. Lying in my hospital bed where there are devices that control the bed and A button to call the nurse. In the middle of the night.

[04:34]

I dropped the controllers. I couldn't find them. I lay awake in the dark. Feeling helpless. I really was pretty helpless. I was in a very uncomfortable. physical position, awkward. And I had no way to reach a nurse or to call for help or to reach around with a pillow. I couldn't even reach that there again. But even that's limited. So it came to me that the question could be asked, do when one cannot use any of one's thousand hands and eyes?

[05:47]

When one cannot reach around with a pillow in the middle of the night? to control the buttons or the collar, let alone my pillow, which was slipping out from beyond my neck. My door, the door of my room was closed. 2 a.m. And the only thing that I could think of doing was shouting for a nurse. without any real expectation that it was going to be audible. In the Book of Serenity it applies, there are always available resources. But there may be times when there are no resources, no way to reach around for a pillar, no way to set oneself at ease.

[06:56]

And what one must do is to accept the difficulty of one's circumstances. That's what I tried to do. And I discovered two resources. One was to shout for a nurse, which really didn't work. The other was again and again to return to the practice of patience, endurance, and see that this was how I was being tested. And I heard my own voice calling out in the wilderness. By the way,

[08:01]

It taught me to be very careful with where I put those controllers. I don't slip up like that anymore. I get them in position so that they're not going to fall off the bed. I've really had to be learning this lesson over and over again. in the last few months. And I see, you know, I'm happy to say that Liz Horowitz and Jonathan Colts are here with me. They helped me get set up in this talk. And my nurse attendant helped get me in my wheelchair. But I was really nervous.

[09:08]

My body was shaky, which is part of the condition that I have. I was going to be able to talk to you. And I just sat the last 10 minutes of Zazen with you and tried to settle my body. I've been having to learn these kinds of lessons over and over again in the last few months. And it's really difficult. When I woke up in, I think it was late February, What I realized immediately was that I had to let go of how I had seen my last.

[10:19]

Letting go of expectations for the future. that lost a lot of control over my left side. And I have a kind of shaking called myocornis, which is really unsteadying. But really, ultimately, we don't have control over anything in our lives. We live and we die.

[11:24]

And we think we're going to go on forever. And in the moment, something happens and it changes. But this is Buddha's way, living and dying. He did it. He did not escape from this. Nor did any of the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas or saints or great beings. Letting go, this is Buddha's will. My medical emergency came out of the blue. But this is happening all over the world. It's happening with us in our bodies. It's happening with us politically. It's happening in our countries.

[12:27]

Life and death crises are happening all over. And even the efforts to love to have compassion and kindness, to not always grant us access to a level of creatures as far as thousands of hands and eyes. We can always request to turn our lives in a direction of peace and love, and even that may entail pain and suffering. And all of that is beyond questions of failure or ability. Another side thought. In case you haven't spent time in a hospital, we imagine that there's a hospital, there's a nurse called

[13:43]

And you think you push the button and the nurse comes. Well, often it takes a really long time because with a whole floor of responsibilities, this is hard to accept because each of us feels I am the center of the world. Which is understandable. And that my discomfort envelops the world. But other people are responsible for all that goes on around them. So more or less, I've been awake, conscious, since February.

[14:51]

This is really not a fun place to be. And each person I see is struggling with their own difficulties. I really look forward to being back at BCC. And even that is a little scary. I look forward to having time visiting with you. Actually, I've had a lot of visitors. But having hours when you can visit with me in the Abbot's office where I'll be staying. And for me to get to know the new people who've shown up at BCC, and for them to get to know me, be together, to practice together.

[16:01]

I think I should be able to get to the signals. Sometimes I can certainly get rolled in my wheelchair. And I'm going to continue physical therapy in hopes that I will have some degree of mobility again. I want to say also that even though I've been away, I've been in touch pretty constantly with people's BCC. And I'm very excited to see what's happening there. I'm excited to know that you're doing a practice period and that it's going really well. Senior students are taking care of it. I'm very excited to see that there is a sizable cohort of younger new students

[17:13]

who are really throwing themselves into the practice. That's been a vision of mine, something I've wanted to see for quite a few years. And thank you all for being there and welcoming new people and continuing to train them in Sojourn in Suzuki Roshi's way. So that is what I had prepared. I'd like to leave time for any questions or thoughts you might have or feelings, questions about my condition, questions about my thinking. Questions about the dogma.

[18:15]

And I don't know who is. Questions. Is there an online monitor? John. John someone. Please. Go ahead, John. You have to unmute yourself. It's John Renwick. Nice to see you. Hi, John. Hi. I just wanted to say thank you and thinking about you and glad to hear your voice. Thank you so much. Thank you. Laura's open.

[19:27]

We've got a question coming. Hi there. Sam here. You remember me? I came with you. I hope you do. Maybe not. Where are you? Sam? Sam? Oh, yes. Anyway, I was just hoping you might remember when I came and chanted with you. You were kind of in and out. I'm not seeing your picture. Oh, I don't know. He's in the Zendos. Oh, okay. Can you see me now? Yes, not really, but thank you for coming and chanting. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, that was great. It was my pleasure. It was my duty, and I'm glad to see you getting better. Do you have any idea when you might come back? Yeah, theoretically. The 18th of June. Oh, wonderful, wonderful. Man, that just... Makes my heart feel good. Yeah.

[20:32]

I think they've remodeled or remodeling the bathroom. It's office. And I'll be living in there. Oh, you're going to live in there. Okay. I was going to say. Getting up and down the stairs now is not realistic. Well, if I can be any help or aid in that situation, I'm here. Thank you. Appreciate it. You're back with me all the time. Okay. Since I came back, I was gone for like a year. I had other things going, went sailing, and sold my boat. So now I'm kind of here. You sold your boat? Yes, the boat's gone. So where are you living? We will talk later. Okay. All right. Here and there. Thank you. All right, all right. It's good seeing you, and I'm glad to see you giving this talk, and I'm very much looking forward to coming. Thanks so much, Sam. Thank you. Heather.

[21:34]

Good morning, Hazan. Hi. It's so nice to see you. Thank you for doing this. My whole family and many of my friends got so excited when they heard you were giving a Dharma talk and I brought my son Dylan in right as you were starting and I was giving a first time in a long time and his whole face just lit up. He said, that's awesome. You've got a lot of people sending, I'll send him, send him your message. I, I have a question for you about your ending of practice. And you touched on this in your talk, but wanted to pull it out a little more. It seems to me in my own life that practice is supportive for most of life's irritations. Something acute happens. A lot of it can go out the window.

[22:42]

And it's hard to recover. It's hard to get back to that place of centeredness. So I just wonder. how you make sense of any moments you have had in the past few months, some effort to reconnect with the sense of centeredness that you've cultivated over the years. My first response is, I'm not sure that practice is supportive of many irritations. You can take care of that in your normal life. Uh-huh. It's when we're tested. Yeah. And, you know, I was really, I was seriously ill about 15 years ago. And, uh-huh.

[23:47]

I was in tremendous pain, which I'm not in now. And I was in the ICU and I said to Lori, I don't think I can do this or I can't do this. And she said, you don't have a choice. And I said, well, what... what can I do? And she said, take it one breath at a time. You know, where I am, I just kind of put this together. There are a couple people away who shout hours at a time. Help me Help me.

[24:50]

Full voiced. Help them. And. That is. Very painful kind of practice. And that is the best they can do. To express themselves. Ann, so great to see you. Can't hear you. You're muted. There. I am so happy to see you. Oh my gosh. You look freaking great. So, like, a couple of things.

[25:53]

I've been thinking about you so much for so long. I want to tell you about that I'm having an art show in New York in September, the first time in years, and it's a solo show, and it's called Light Within Darkness, Cultivating Calm. And I've been sending you some images. I don't know what you've been receiving, but this is my way of centering through my painting and through thinking about you a lot. Howie and I have been talking, so we're planning to come visit when it works out. We don't want to surprise you because we don't want you to have another heart attack. So we'll arrange it and come and laugh and spend time. But it is so wonderful to see you and see how well you're doing. I'm so happy to see you. Thank you.

[26:54]

Yes. Can you hear me? I can. Hi, Alan. This is Amelia. I'm part of the Upaya chaplaincy cohorts. Have we met? Yes. Yes. Oh, good. Okay. Yes. I'm one of the chaplaincy graduates from UPIA, and I wanted you to know that a lot of us from UPIA chaplaincy have been thinking about you and sending great wishes. It's so good to see you. I wanted to ask you what has been helpful to you on those moments when you feel like you can't do it anymore. Thought of impermanence.

[28:05]

No. Yesterday. So I'm having dialysis. Yesterday I was riding back from dialysis in an ambulance and my butt was hurting excruciatingly. And I just had to ease into it and remember impermanence. And that's the best I can do. And to recognize that through all that I've been through, it's clear that my life is impermanent. And that's what we learn in chaplaincy, right? Right. Right. We don't quite believe it until it's really in our face. Right.

[29:10]

Even when we see it in another person's hospital room. But... That was what I woke up with when I came back to consciousness was how close I was to the edge and how fragile that was. And yet I came back. But I'll go away again. Thank you, Alan. And thank you for being here. Thank you. Time for a couple more. Sue? Hi, Alan. My old friend, I'm just so moved that you're here talking. I'm so grateful for your incredible perseverance and courage.

[30:12]

I just can't imagine how you kept going. Also, Our lives don't belong to just ourselves, and you in particular know that because of your role as Abbot, that your life doesn't just belong to you. And the way you've been continuing your struggle to get better and has been a gift to us all who love you and feel like we need you. It's very encouraging that you have been able to do that. That you are such a strong and loving human being. And I want to just thank you. And also I want to thank Laurie and your kids for sitting by you. And I know they're part of the whole thing that has happened.

[31:16]

And they're part of your... I just want to tell you how moved I am. And thank you very much for your great... courage thank you well I feel I have work to do in the world and I'm also having to look at what my capacity is for it so yes I'm happy now and there will be others after me but While I am capable, while my mind is working well, I want to continue to study and share the Dharma. And that's all I can try to do. And I do that, not just at BCC, but I had a Zoom meeting with a group that's been practicing our way in India.

[32:22]

You know, there are all kinds of connections. I'm very fortunate to have those connections all over the world. So, thank you. Mary? Hosan, it's so good to see you. And I'm grateful for this time with you and... As mentioned, Upaya and the chaplaincy community has just been really holding you prayers for many months now. And I was with you and Lori and Sylvie in late January at the hospital. Were you there? Yeah, I was with you at bedside. But things were in and out at that time. It was more of a wobbly time then. But I was so deeply moved to meet Lori and Sylvie and to feel the room of love that you were in.

[33:32]

And I'm not surprised for the world's response to you during this time based on how much you have given over the years to so many all over the world. And in a way, this event with your health, it's almost activated the energy. of Avalokiteshvara, that all these arms and eyes and hands have been reaching back to you. But one thing I want to ask you is about love. And how has love been present with you and working through this experience? That's a hard question. Because What I confess is it's not easy for me to let it in. And I say that with a lot of sadness.

[34:33]

I try, I don't. So perhaps I need, I have more to learn. I know I have more to learn. So I just confess that. Something you said, you know, for me now, you all are Avalokiteshvara's hands and eyes. I've sat with many a patient. Hozan, over the years, who say exactly what you're saying right now, that the learning is how to let the love in. And especially, I think, for those who've been caregiving and tending to others for so long, a new muscle, a new gate to open, potentially.

[35:43]

But boy, is the invitation here to you to let the love in. There's no doubt of that. Yeah. I'm used to serving and doing. Yeah. So I'll work on that. You can help me. That's a deal. Thank you. Maxine, you made the last one. Oh, I can't unmute myself. You are. There I am. Okay, good. Hi, Alan. Glad to see you. And as everybody has said, I would like to know if music has had any part in your continuing recovery and how can I or we support you in that part? Well, it's interesting. In the first few weeks, I listened to a lot of music of all kinds.

[36:47]

And then I sort of tapered off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I ended up in looms, roommates. Eric and Susie have been by a couple of times, but they haven't brought instruments because Eric's hands are messed up. And yesterday, Alex bought me a guitar. So he made me promise to practice 15 minutes a day. So I'll try. You know, it's like the muscle memory is there, but the coordination, particularly the left hand isn't. So we'll see. Hands I know there's so much music that I listen to that brought me to tears.

[37:57]

So that continues to be my life while I am actually divesting myself of hundreds of cassette tapes. Susie asked if people wanted your cassette tapes and I was like, no. Yeah, but people do. Yeah, good. And I'm thinking of paring down my instruments. But... Good. Yeah. And I look forward to playing with you. Likewise. Anytime we can... Support you in that. We can come play 15 minutes a day with you once you're home. You and Brendan both. Yes, I love you. Love you too. My dear teacher, it is such a joy to see you.

[39:10]

I'm in mind of what I think of as your most powerful teaching to me. I was in a time of great difficulty. And I came to you with that suffering. And you looked at me and you said, bear it. And I thought I couldn't bear it. But I did. And since that time, I have... wondered what I would do if I couldn't bear whatever was upon me. And I have been afraid. In my visits to you since the crisis at the end of December, those three visits that I was able to make,

[40:16]

to have been there. I watched you bear it. And I am so grateful. That is such a great gift. And I am not as afraid as this was that I might not be able to bear it because I watched you. Thank you. from your teaching. I love you. Thank you. Love you too. Do you, I appeared, so please go ahead. Well, we're not done. Do you? Can you answer? Yes.

[41:25]

When I first saw you, I felt like you towered above me. And I said... Are you the teacher of my teacher? I am Hozan. And that moment has stayed with me all this time. Wow. Who is your teacher? Kinshin. Ah, right. How are you? I'm good. I have leukemia, but it's practically in remission. I'm good. Had a bad year. Now I'm having a good year. I'll ride that wave. Good. I'm glad to see you. Take care of yourself. Ed?

[43:03]

Can you unmute? Hi, I didn't raise my hand, but it's... Your hand was raised. It's absolutely wonderful to see you. And... I also was there at the beginning when you were unconscious, and it was when I had Doka-san together. Before this whole incident, we were talking about our hearts, and I was really moved by your answer to the question about letting in that is there. and um i know for me when i when i had my heart event and all the love that was there and i was totally it was totally unexpected and it and it moved me to tears um maybe that's what letting it in is letting it move us to tears just wanted to say that

[44:28]

Thank you. Yes, that's happened a lot. When I got... So people don't send cards and letters these days very much. Right. Emails and message. But when I was sick 15 years ago, I got hundreds... Yes. And I read them all and I answered what I could. Yeah. And kept them in a box under my bed for two days. Yeah. It felt like that generator of love was there under my bed. That's so healing. Yeah. Okay. Take care. You too. I think that we're done.

[45:31]

And we can say the bodhisattva vows and have a good... I'll see you in a couple of weeks. Or have a really good session.

[45:43]

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