I vow to chase the truth of the Tathagata's words. Good morning. Well, as you know, we're in the middle of our practice period. And it's my turn this year to be the head student. It's very interesting. It's like, it feels like being in a play. And a very big supporting cast. And I get to dance around on the stage and do various things. But it's all been set up for me. And I appreciate it. Mel, when I asked him about, we had a little chat about being a head student and about the practice period, and his ending comment was, basically, you should set an example.

[01:19]

And I thought this morning, he didn't say necessarily what kind of an example. I don't think it was necessarily a good example. And actually, it might not be an example of what you want to be. It might be some other example, but that would be helpful too. Either way, it's a winning situation. And taking on this role, I felt like I was, I feel like a cheerleader, like I want to I'll get everybody enthusiastic about this practice period. But when I go to do that, it feels like there's nothing to grab onto, actually. When you start trying to make a practice period, and then you look at, well, what is that really?

[02:22]

Well, all it is is just everybody who I sit with already just being themselves. It's hard to make a big deal out of it and feel right about it. At the same time, there is something happening and you can feel something a little different. I don't usually come early in the morning. But now, for the practice period, I do come every morning early. And to see everybody come trooping in this door at six o'clock, quarter to six on a weekday morning, morning after morning, is impressive. And I thought, you know, we have various events and ceremonies during this practice period.

[03:24]

Actually, it's quite concentrated. There's almost every week there seems to be something happening. But really, that's kind of like the candy or the kind of, you know, a way of expressing something that we're already doing and which is just basically sitting together and what comes out of that. So it seems fancy on one hand, and when you come to some of the more elaborate ceremonies, and we have this dinner this coming week, which will be lots and lots of people here, it will be a lot of activity, but basically it all comes back to just this common practice that we share of sitting quietly together. So the theme that we've chosen for this particular practice period is a story by Zen teacher Dongshan.

[04:30]

And we'll use this in the ending ceremony, and also we'll talk about it during Sashin a little bit, and talk about it today, and maybe talk about it This story, generally they use the Emperor Wu and Bodhidharma story for a practice period and for the head student talks. But Mel told me that Suzuki Roshi started a tradition, he didn't mean to start a tradition necessarily, but he chose to use this story as an alternate story along with the Bodhidharma story. So this is a year where we use this story. Dongshan lived in the early 800s.

[05:35]

He lived to be about 60 years old. And we don't know very much about him personally. There are not a lot of records about his personal life. And this story that I'm going to talk about comes from a collection called the record of Dongshan, and that wasn't even put together until about 800 years after he died. So it may not be exactly what he said, but it doesn't really matter. It's pretty good. So he figures very prominently in Zen literature. He's in many cases, many columns, and yet we don't know a lot about his personal life. But his teaching is what comes down to us. He was also the founder of our school, of our lineage, Sukto School. He took part of his name and part of the name of one of his disciples, Daoshan, and put it together, and put the disciple's name first because it sounded better, and became Daodong.

[06:51]

Dao for Daoshan and Dong for Dongshan. And then that became Soto in Japan, Japanese language. And we haven't made an English version yet, but someday maybe we will. Dongshan means something like East Mountain or Cave Mountain. And also there are a number of Dongshans. in Zen literature. But this is Dongshan Liangchi. So in presenting these kinds of stories or cases, this is actually more like a mando or a dialogue, a teaching dialogue between Zen student and Zen teacher. Oftentimes, the person who's giving the lecture is really familiar with the story, but the people who are listening aren't.

[08:00]

And these stories are so enigmatic and bend your mind that it's hard to just to hear it the first time and understand or orient yourself towards it. I passed out sheets last week so that you can become familiar with it. Can I just see how many people have not ever read this story? This is the story of Deng Xiang crossing the river and seeing his reflection in it. Can I see how many people have not read that story? So it's important to me that you at least understand the structure of the story and that it almost becomes like a folktale that you can relate to at least what happens during it. That it's not something that's just a kind of abstract enigma to you. So first I'll just read this. It's only, it's about two paragraphs long. Actually, it's only one paragraph but there's a preceding paragraph which is, again, beat up.

[09:03]

When Dongshan was taking his leave, Yongyan, who was his teacher, asked, where are you going? Dongshan replied, although I am leaving you, I still haven't decided where I'll stay. Yongyan asked, you're not going to Hunan, are you? No, replied Dongshan. You're not returning to your native town, are you? asked Yongyan. No, replied Dongshan. When will you return, asked Yangyan. I'll wait until you have a fixed residence, said Dongshan. Yangyan said, after your departure, it will be hard to meet again. Dongshan said, it will be hard not to meet. OK, that's first little The second one is, just before leaving, Dongshan asked, if, after many years, someone should ask, if I am able to portray the master's likeness, how should I respond?

[10:35]

After remaining quiet for a while, a young yin said, just this person. Dungshan was lost in thought. Yangyan said, Chiya Akarya, having assumed the burden of this great matter, you must be very cautious. Dungshan remained dubious about what Yangyan had said. Later, as he was crossing a river, he saw his reflected image and experienced a great awakening to the meaning of the previous exchange. He composed the following gatha. Earnestly avoid seeking without, lest it recede far from you. Today I am walking alone, yet everywhere I meet him. He is now no other than myself, but I am not now him.

[11:43]

it must be understood in this way in order to merge with suchness. So, I just go over that in my own words, just as kind of an outline, not to In a minute I'll go into more of the issues that come up during this, but just so it's set in your mind how this works, how the story flows, I'll just kind of re-do it in an outline form in my own words. And maybe just talk about a couple of the points. So Dongshan is leaving his teacher. You can imagine they've worked together very closely, that they have a pretty strong, close relationship.

[12:50]

And, uh... Yang Yuan is kind of... could be just testing him, could be just very straightforwardly asking him, where are you going? And, uh... Deng Xian is really non-committal. He won't say where he's going. He'll say where he's not going, but he won't say where he's going. He won't be pinned down. And it's all fairly straightforward until Yang Yan says, well, when will you return? And Deng Xian says, well, I'll wait until you have a fixed residence. Well, he's taking it to a different level at that point. And he's not saying, well, when you actually move into your new cottage or something, but he means it's actually a compliment to his teacher. Fixed residence, his teacher has, you would assume, let go of most of his attachments, if not all, and doesn't have a fixation, isn't fixed on

[14:02]

being this way, being that way, having to have this particular thing or that particular thing, or isn't fixed on having some idea of who he is, a particular idea of who he is. And he's free to come and go. So this is kind of a compliment, he's saying, Dungshan is saying, well, when you're living a kind of an inner fixed existence, then I'll return." And he knows that his teacher is never going to be like that. And then the teacher says, well, after your departure, it'll be hard to meet again. And then Dung-Shan says, it'll be hard not to meet. Meaning something like that their relationship doesn't depend on their bodies, their relationship with something, that they share a same understanding or the same awareness of life and death.

[15:16]

And sharing that awareness is their relationship. So it doesn't matter if they're in the same room, in the same town, in the same state. So just before he's going to leave, Dongshan asks him, in a sense what he's asking is, how would you describe your teaching, or what's the most important thing, or what's the main gist of your teaching? And the teacher, interestingly, thinks a minute. Usually in these cases, there's like a snappy repartee, he takes his time, and he thinks about it a little bit. And then he says, just this one, or just this person. And what's interesting is, according to this translation, which is by Bill Powell, he uses a colloquial Chinese term which the accused criminals would use when they were asked if they were guilty,

[16:30]

in a court of law, a Chinese court of law, they would say, if they were guilty, they would say something like, just this one, or I am, I take responsibility, just this one is it. So they use that colloquial expression in this more far-reaching way. So they part, and Deng Xiang doesn't, I'm sure intellectually he understands the meaning of this answer, but somehow he doesn't, there's something missing, he doesn't get it fully. And when crossing a stream he looks down, sees his reflection in the water, and at that point gets it. And at that point makes this poem that I just read.

[17:34]

And the poem just briefly says, Something like, everywhere I go I see myself, or I see myself reflected in everything around me, and everything around me is reflected in myself. A more stereotype way of saying that is, I am one with all things. But still, It is me, it is just me, but I am not it, means that even though I'm related with everything around me, I still have a separate existence at the same time as a unified existence. I still have a volitional nature which has to make decisions and which I'm responsible for.

[18:52]

So that's the outline, kind of a superficial outline of this story, this mondo. So, you know, what's the... What's the most important thing about this story? What's the value of it? What is it saying to us? There's actually several different... What's interesting about this story is there's several different points that come up and every one of them you could use as a way of looking at your own life, highlighting your own life. But I think when the teacher's answer when he asked him, how should I, you know, somebody asked me, what was your teaching?

[19:53]

What should I say? And he says, just this one. I think that's really the key line, even though the poem is what most people think about when you read this story, and we remember this story, the poem stands out as being rather famous in the Zen. In this particular sequence though, it's the teacher's answer, just this one or just this person that really sets up the poem. So, you know, what does he mean by that? My favorite way of understanding that, or the easiest way for me to understand that, is if I think about a Zazen, if I think about meditation practice.

[20:54]

You know, when we sit, we all, without exception, experience this phenomena of having a wandering mind, having a mind that's constantly doing everything but focusing on our breathing, our posture, or just our being right here. Without exception, we experience that. That's a great thing we have in common. You know, it's interesting how that process works, and as the more that we sit, the more intimate we get with that process, and the more we understand it, because it happens over and over and over again. And what we find is that, and what I find, is that when we come back to our breathing, or come back to our posture,

[22:10]

you realize how much we rely on comparing ourselves to the rest of the world, to measuring ourselves with the world, to trying to get something from the world, constantly trying to alter situations that we find ourselves in the world. And that just by coming back to our present body and existence, that there is a change there's a change in our awareness. I almost don't want to try to describe it because it just muddies it up. The best way would be to say we realize that we're complete as we are, but that's a kind of intellectual way of saying it. But you know that feeling or sense that it's not necessary to measure, it's not necessary to compare, it's not necessary to pursue in order to exist fully.

[23:29]

It's a different way of being aware than we're usually aware. And part of the reason for that, in my opinion, is that we're always trying to avoid pain. Just like an animal tries to avoid physical pain, we try to avoid not only physical pain, but we also try to avoid emotional pain and whatever kind of pain you can imagine. And when we sit still, inevitably some kind of pain arises, some kind of yearning, some kind of sense of loss, some kind of desire for something that we don't have. which is the painful feeling, generally. Even if it's subtle, it's still painful.

[24:41]

And so, you know, our minds, we use our minds to try to get out of that, to get away from that. And by doing that, we, you know, we create this separation and we create a kind of a contrast. We try to get away from what we are. And that sets up this whole dualistic sense coming back to the pain that we actually feel and being willing to just be with it and not have to escape it allows us to be just this one, allows us to be actually who we are without trying to stand outside or manipulate

[25:45]

And that's kind of like the psychological approach to what I think young man is talking about, young woman is talking about. You know, Dogen says, take the backward step, illuminate yourself. So the backward step is just, you know, coming back, coming back And the way I would describe it is not this pursuit of the avoidance of pain, but just coming back to what we actually are, rather than trying to solve everything by shifting our circumstances. There's a, where I park when I come to the Zen Dojo, Another car that's usually parked there, and they have a bumper sticker that says, I really enjoy being myself.

[26:53]

I really enjoy myself just how I am. They've got that as a bumper sticker, along with various other bumper stickers that are kind of New Age-ish. And the other night during class, Mel mentioned trust, being able to trust as being an important component of our experience of acceptance. And I particularly experienced this, that being able to sit and to actually trust that the world is okay, It doesn't mean that there isn't an enormous amount of work to be done to alleviate pain and suffering and injustice where it occurs, but to trust that at least the possibility is there.

[28:09]

that the world is not a malevolent place. The world does not have it out for us. The world is not trying to get us or make us miserable. So I guess what I'm getting at is, here we see a teacher saying, The essence of this teaching comes down to just this one, or I am just this person. But how do you take that beyond just being abstract or something philosophical? How does he get to that? And how do we get to that? Or how can we experience that? become more than just a story, or more than just an ideal.

[29:15]

If it's just an ideal, it doesn't do us a lot of good. It actually may create more problems than it's worth. So the question I ask myself is, well, what keeps me from feeling that feeling? What is it that's hindering me? And trust, fear, anxiety, all those things, and you have your own, everybody has their own version of that. So, anyway, he gives this answer to Dongshan. And then Dongshan, of course, understands what he means, but not thoroughly.

[30:25]

He can't align himself with that understanding totally. And something about seeing his reflection in the water enables him to get it. And he actually takes that one step further. Besides just being, you know, complete as we are, Dongshan takes it further into the world. And that he can see the world in himself, but also he can see himself in the world around him. And then it comes to this tricky line, you know, it is just me but I am not it. And this is always hard to talk about because you start talking about it and it becomes so objective, you know, talking about it and it becomes a thing.

[31:38]

So it's almost impossible to talk about satisfactorily for me. It's tricky. But I think the meaning is that it, which is the universe or dharma, is in me. I am nothing but dharma. I am nothing but universal stuff. Yet my body has its own existence, and although everything is within me, I can't say that I am within everything, although the two intermingle. And I think if you get, the point of it is basically that we have, that there's two things going on simultaneously.

[32:43]

One is that we are, that we're interrelated, everything is completely interrelated, and also each thing has its own existence, which it's responsible for, it takes care of. And you get tangled up in the words. If you get too logical about it, you get a little bit tangled up in the words. And the image that they often use for this is like a mirror. When you look at your reflection in the mirror, the mirror is nothing but you, but you are not that reflection. The reflection is something, in a sense, separate from you, but that something also depends on you. It's also interesting that in his poem, the first line in his poem is, earnestly avoid seeking without, lest it recede far from you.

[33:53]

And I think this is really, you know, our key teaching is to learn how pervasive it is, this seeking without that we all do. And even as it gets more refined, as we get more refined, that seeking without becomes more refined, but nevertheless occurs. It just occurs in a more subtle way, in a more interior way. It also is like ordinary mind is the way, that case where Joshu asked Nantzen, what is the way? And Nantzen says ordinary mind is the way. And then Joshu says, can I direct myself, how should I direct myself towards it? And then Nanten says, if you try to direct yourself towards it, it goes away from you. So just during this practice period I'd like to use this story as a kind of a sounding board or something to relate to that we can kind of mutually focus on and find what it is in the story that is meaningful to you.

[35:27]

Whether or not, you know, it may be some part of the story that's not the most important part. Or you may have some different take on it from what I've said. Actually, I kind of hope you do. So, you know, we can use the story as a focus point. And we can help each other to see different aspects of it. I feel sort of clumsy, like it's difficult for me to articulate the points, but the feeling I'm pretty clear about. You know, what's the overall feeling that this story conveys to you, and what does it, what does it, what meaning does it have for you? Maybe you can't articulate it so well, but what, what, what does it mean to you?

[36:33]

Whatever it means to you would have some value, as long as we're open-minded to the fact that we probably don't see the whole picture. As a matter of fact, we don't see the whole picture. So, since I've been thinking about this story, for me, the thing that impresses me most is the sense of intimacy that Deng Xiang conveys in his feeling with his surroundings. And yet it's not something that I can work on, it's not something that I can try to make happen. But the sense of intimacy that he feels with the world touches me and points out my own feelings of separation, how I feel separated so much of the time.

[37:47]

from elements of the world. So, what do you think? But could you say something about gazing into a mirror as a kind of practice? I think there's something important there, and I don't know what words to put to that. Well, you have to try. Go on, try. Whenever somebody says, well, you say something about, I think you should start. Go ahead.

[38:59]

So that image of a mirror, looking into a mirror, means something. It's supposed to be you. It becomes increasingly clear that it's not you. As you look longer. The image of you, the image of you isn't really the you that you feel is you. Yeah, there's a really pervasive image in this whole story is one of image. The image of us, we have an image of ourself. And what's real and what's the image? And is the image real? The whole relationship of image

[40:05]

of trying to find what we are by looking at ourselves, I think is a key point. And it's one I'm deeply familiar with. Being self-conscious, it's actually a kind of, it's self-consciousness. It's something that I'm very, very familiar with. It's painful, it gets to be painful. So the question to me is, well, how do you practice with self-consciousness? Some people aren't self-conscious, but some people are. So for people who are, how do we deal with that in a practice situation? What do we do? Once I did the bodhisattva ceremony, when I first did it, I was in Tokyo, and I told Mel, after I did it, that I felt very self-conscious doing it.

[41:14]

He said, well, that's okay. It'll make you careful about how you're doing it. So I think that Being aware of being self-conscious and leaving it alone is okay. It's okay to be self-conscious. For me, that's what works. That, yeah, I am self-conscious and that's okay. I'm just going to the next thing. And aware of how it's a stumbling block. It's so awkward. It feels so awkward. But what can you do? The thing that gets me about this story is, you know, the idea of, okay, when they say, you are not it, it actually is you.

[42:20]

About looking at a reflection, for example. Or any experience, you know? There's a tension between, there's no separation, between anything and there are separate things. And the way I make sense of that is that there really are no separate things, but it's like everything that is happening has its sort of uniqueness, but that is kind of Because of its uniqueness, it's this unseparable part of everything. So, you know, as, you know, we can't remove anything and we can't remove ourselves from this integral, this integrated fabric.

[43:24]

And I think that's what we try to do. Look at it in the mirror and say, what am I? Is that me? Can I take that thing? and know it, and know what it is, know what I am, and try to pull ourselves out of the fabric of the world to have ourselves, or know ourselves. And I think that the problem is that that's a mistake, seeking without, or seeking to separate. And I think that to sort of stop doing that, stop trying to isolate, trying to almost, you know, rip something out of the hole. And just, to stop doing that is to, is to recognize yourself. Unseparable. And I think, so when, you are not it, you're not it. It's a good question.

[45:34]

Well, I think the thing that comes to my mind is the word open-minded. If you're open-minded, then what you're seeking isn't necessarily an image. Usually what we're seeking is something that's tangible or an image of something. But if you're just really open-minded, who knows how that seeking is working or what it's aiming at? And self-consciousness is usually aiming at a kind of image to reassure ourselves that we're okay. I know I'm okay because I can see my image and the image is okay. Is there also a concept here of turning the mirror around, so that instead of looking into the world as though it were a mirror to see yourself, you, in yourself, you see the world, you turn the mirror around, and you see the world as it is, without superimposing

[47:15]

all these mental formations and constructs between you and the world. And that would relate to that, the story about the polishing of the mirror, and sitting as the idea of having your mind be still, as still as a mirror, so that it reflects the world as the world is. And then ultimately, I can't remember who the other guy was who said, His version was ultimately, you know, you throw the mirror away and then you are the world. But to the extent that we look at the world and what we see is a reflection of ourself, there's another step of maybe turning the mirror around and just seeing the world. see it straight down to the bottom.

[48:24]

Or maybe there's no bottom. The story for me is a cure for the story of Narcissus who looks into the pool and falls in love with his own reflection. And the first time I heard it, He looks in the river, but he says, he is me, but I am not he. And we had tea after that, and in my teacup, there was this bubble. And I'd been tired, and I hadn't seen my reflection all day, and I looked in my teacup, and there was this bubble, and boom, there I was, looking right back at it. I thought, oh, that's how I'm doing, you know, how do I look? And then the bubble popped, and I lost my reflection.

[49:27]

There was this moment of pain in which I caught myself comparing myself to others, comparing myself to how I thought I looked and felt, and really the pain was that small And it felt like a big mind in Sashin. And then, oop, there was that little part of me. And then it popped, and so I was relieved of the experience, but just in that moment. And the story seems to be listening to people's comments. For me right now is about emptiness and no boundary.

[50:27]

And that the seizing and the searching and seeking and looking seems to me a displacement in a way from the fundamental task of being dissolved into the universe of being. with Kathy saying, you know, not being separate and the whole process, the action of trying to see and find a shape and find a form while a human function seems to me to keep me from the process or the experience of being boundless and endless and empty. my own, trying to grasp he or it. I don't have anything to say to that.

[52:06]

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