Well, this is the first day of the practice period, and when I was asked to give this Monday morning talk, I thought that I would like to give a way-seeking mind talk, which is what we always say, way-seeking mind, or we could say way-finding mind. What are we seeking? Are we thirsty? Are we hungry? Do we want to know something? Do we seek with our body or do we seek with our mind?

[01:19]

And we're always finding a way and losing a way, and then arousing the thought of practice. Hmm, I should get back to the Zen Dog. And then finding a way again. You know, this Monday morning talk is a little bit more of an opportunity to do a personal sharing than a more formal lecture. And we don't have a lot of opportunity to do that in other situations. So I think I would like to do a bit of that I gave a way-seeking mind talk many years ago.

[02:32]

It's been a long time. And there are other things I think I would like to share at this point. You know, I think the the way seeking mine arose to me when I was about 14. And I became somewhat obsessed with the thought, the question of what would there be if there was nothing? What would there be? What is it? And at that time it was a kind of a question filled with anxiety. If everything was taken away, then what would there be? And actually I didn't come to understand the meaning of that question until much

[03:48]

later. And then somewhere I read that according to Heidegger, that's the fundamental question of metaphysics. Actually I didn't mean it so much as a philosophical question. It was a question full of anguish actually. And then, I think when I was about 15, I took mescaline. And that was sort of, I think, a turning point in terms of, you know, whether my life was going to have a more materialistic orientation or a more I hate to say the word spiritual, but orientation.

[04:53]

And so then I decided to, instead of going to school to study economics or some more traditional career like that, I decided to study psychology. Freudian Marxist or Marxist Freudian was a very big school of that. And actually, I was born and lived until I was 17 in Chile. And then I went to study at a university in Buenos Aires, in Argentina. And it's a big sort of Buenos Aires has a big cultural center.

[05:58]

A lot of artists and intellectuals. It's a bohemian lifestyle. It's kind of a Latin American, Parisian lifestyle. Then I had this woman friend who one day, out of nothing, told me that I should study Zen. I should practice Zen. and that sort of captured my attention. And I didn't have much of an idea what Zen was. And then I read this book by Suzuki on Zen and the unconscious. And since at that time I was very interested in the unconscious, that sort of captured my attention further. But it sort of stayed there. sort of planted a seed. And then I went to Europe and lived in Europe for about two years.

[07:05]

And I had a girlfriend in Paris and she was practicing with the Shimaru Roshi there in Paris, in the Paris Zen Dojo. So she just grabbed me and took me over there told me to sit in a cushion. So there I sat in my first period of Zazen and right off the bat I realized that you know, one could cultivate this, you know, because I think as a child, as an adolescent, as we grow up, you know, we've always had those moments when we feel most at home with ourselves or most comfortable with the world and our surroundings and we feel awake and alert and responsive.

[08:24]

You just don't know what, how to identify or how to call it. It's just, that's the way it is. So for me, sort of the sitting zazen was the realization that this is something that could be cultivated, that could become one's way of life to exist in that way. So then I moved to the States because my mother is American and my father is Chilean. So I always had dual citizenship. I decided to come to the States because Europe was... I was living in London at the end and I really didn't like London that much.

[09:34]

So I decided to come to the States and I had a friend in San Francisco. So I flew over. And so I went to San... I was in San Francisco at first Actually, I moved to Berkeley. I was in San Francisco just a couple of weeks, and then I moved to Berkeley. But I went to the San Francisco Center to find out if there was a Berkeley Center. So I found out, and it turned out that I lived two blocks away from McGee Street. So that was in 1978. I remember the first person I met was Ron, I think Ron probably remembers that, when I came to McGee Street.

[10:39]

And so gradually I began sitting. And so that went on for, you know, I gradually got involved first sitting in the afternoons and then I started sitting in the mornings and then I did a sashimi. And, you know, I had, like all of us, you know, I'm strong, feelings, because it felt very much right, and at the same time, it was very difficult. It was very painful. And I met Mel, and my first impression of Mel was that he was like an angel.

[11:52]

Where did this angel come from? Well, that was later. No, that is, you know, during Sashins, I would go to Dokusan and, you know, Sashin is so intense and especially the early Sashins and I would look at Mel's face and his face would sort of disappear and instead all these demons, you know, just like the faces that you see in the, how do you call them?

[13:05]

The tankas, right? Just like those demons. And So, it's an interesting, that's kind of a, well it's, you know, it's like a transparence projection of your own mind and teaches like a mirror. So you're seeing your mind and project it in the mirror, right? And sashini evokes all this, you know, I mean, all this, to deal with. So that's sort of enough just to explain what Mel said. So I started sitting and then I started going to school also to get a PhD

[14:21]

I was working in a hospital. And then about in 1981, I met my wife. Her name is Ruthie. And for her, We started a relationship. I mean, I had sort of a circle of friends, of Latin American friends. And she was a sister of a friend of mine. I was friends with her sister. And she came over to visit, and she was living in Israel at that time. And she came over to visit, and that's how we met. And Very interestingly, the first time, sounds like a love song, right?

[15:32]

First time I saw your face. But the first time I saw her face, again, all this, what you see in people's faces, you know, it's very interesting. But the first time I saw her face, it was like seeing my own true face. Then we say, well, what was our face to face before our parents were born? So that was very enigmatic for me, too, because I've never seen that before. Especially in a woman.

[16:33]

So, we got involved. And, you know, I was also, what, 23, 24 at the time. And coming from a, you know, from very, coming to sort of traditional sin, Zen with a very sort of modern mentality, you know, like most of us. And, you know, we come into Zen, we enter into this ancient traditional way of life. So there's a kind of a culture clash as well that we have to come to terms with. And You know, being 23 or 24, I was kind of impetuous and was very much interested in love and desire And I felt, well, this old traditional way of, you know, desires are inexhaustible, I vow to put it into them, or this is just repression, I thought.

[17:57]

And we're already, this is a post-Freudian era, you know, we're beyond repression. We're not going to go back to the old repressive mode. So, what is this desire? And what is this putting an end to desire? So, I wanted to practice Zen, but I also wanted to have a relationship and maybe get married. So I made my wife and so we developed a relationship and it got more serious. I thought it was gonna be serious by just that experience that I had when I met her. And then for her, being Jewish was very important.

[19:05]

And so I had to deal with that. And what is Jewishness? What is being Jewish? My father comes from a Sephardic, Spanish, Jewish lineage. But, you know, I think his family's been a religious for several generations. So I grew up, you know, he was totally secular and I, you know, grew up in Chile and the culture there is very Catholic. So my family wasn't religious, but I had to deal with sort of the not growing up within a Jewish world and with the Catholic world.

[20:21]

And so I asked to have a baptism when I was about seven. And so I was baptized when I was seven. And then I also, when all the kids in school had a first communion, I asked to join the group. I had a first communion. So that was my experience with Christianity. And I always thought that What I liked about Christianity was going inside church and there was this kind of feeling of magnanimity or this absolute silence that I always appreciated. But anyway, so for Ruti, being Jewish was very important.

[21:29]

So I decided to, well, let me explore Judaism. And I still continue, you know, classes with a rabbi. And I met this rabbi from San Francisco. I don't know if I'll get into personal details. And when I met him, it was interesting because I had the same experience that I had with Ruti when I met her for the first time. And sort of looking at his face and seeing my own original face. That's the best way I can describe it. So I thought, hmm, this is enigmatic. What is this? So I began to study Judaism, and I found it very interesting, and I thought, well, yeah, this is where all the Freudians and Marxists come from.

[22:35]

you know, all this kind of Talmudic thinking, and dialectics, and ruminerics, and interpretations, and this kind of joy, you know, about life. And, you know, it can be hair splitting also, sort of intellectualizing, but not necessarily. So, in a way, it felt like, you know, yeah, this feels, you know, like home too. And Judaism, you know, has more tradition of, you know, supporting married life and family as part of a practice. You know, and in Zen nowadays and in Buddhism, you know, we're trying to find a way to reconcile monastic practice with family life.

[23:54]

And in a way, Judaism has done this always, you know, from the very beginning. So it felt like, you know, a natural compatibility. Actually, struggle for me in it as well and just dealing with this whole question of you know how my wife felt about Buddhism and how she related to her Jewish identity and whether it could include a Buddhist identity and for me it was never so much of an issue but I felt that it was an issue for everybody else and then because it was an issue for my issue and my problem. You know, so if everybody's saying, well, you can't, you know, you have to decide.

[24:58]

They ask you when you come into the country, you know, what are you? Are you a Catholic? A Jewish? Are you Jewish? Are you a Buddhist? What are you? What are you going to put? What's your identity? Name of your father? Name of your mother? You know, people were saying, well, you can't practice two traditions, you know, you can't do that, both within Buddhism and within Judaism. Although Mel was always very supportive, although my sense was it was a difficult question for him as well, to support me in that. So, I'm running out of time. It's 6.25 and I haven't even gotten to the main point yet.

[26:03]

Skip to the main point. Skip to the main point. Well, the So I was struggling, you know, I was thinking, well, maybe I should decide, you know, I should just forget about Judaism, you know, and forget about Huthi, you know, and just be a Buddhist and practice Zen and that's it, you know. Or I was also thinking, well, maybe I should forget about Zen and forget about Buddhism and just be a Jew and marry Huthi, you know. And I remember once I went to Israel and then came back and was gone for about two months. And I came back and before I came into the Zendo, I asked for, I was confused. I didn't know what to do. And I said, well, maybe I should forget. I should stop practicing Zen. And before I came to the Zendo, I asked, you know, I want a sign.

[27:07]

if I should, if Zen and Buddhism is for me. And I don't know who I was asking this sign from. You know, was it Buddha, was it God, what? And as soon as I came to the Zen Dojo, I was, Mel calls this the Peeping Tom Show, showed a glimpse of Buddhahood. And so I felt that that was the sign, you know, the response to the question. So that made me decide to continue practicing Zen. And But then that left me with a lot of guilt about being Jewish and practicing Zen. And then I had this dream.

[28:10]

I was flying in an airplane and I was coming, the plane came down to the airport. And I was coming out of the plane, and then right sitting next to the door, the exit door of the plane, there was this throne, like this chair, throne-like chair, and the Lubavitcher Rebbe, who's a Chabad rabbi, was sitting there, and he tells me, it's okay to practice Zen. So I felt that was my sign that I should remain a Jewish Buddhist or a Zen Jew. And I still didn't get to the main point, but it doesn't look like it's supposed to happen today.

[29:21]

But we should leave a few minutes for for questions. Maybe continue at another time and just leave some time for questions now. Yes? There's a Sephardic Jew comedian who many of us know, Daryl Enriquez. Which translate? Oh, I see. He is the Swami from Miami. Okay. Let me know when he's in town. You wrote 20 ways to pave the planet, 50 ways to pave the planet. It was after a 7 days of sheen and we were going around and everybody could say something.

[30:49]

I have a very clear memory of that, because you were very in touch with yourself when you said that. Even though it was a little humorous, it was something that was real. At the risk of this becoming a raw roast, When I first started coming here, I would drive down Appletrass Avenue in the morning. And invariably, this little blue car would go whizzing past me. And I'd park my car, and the little blue car would screech to a halt. And I'd get out the door and start running to the center, if you were, like, a morning dawn or something. And it was red, a little red. And I thought, oh, this guy. But when I saw him at the end, I thought, boy, you know, just the classic hurry up and relax thing. Is your mother Jewish, Christian, Catholic, anything particular?

[32:33]

She's like a Jungian. Do you still have family in Chile? My father lives in Chile and my mother lives in Buenos Aires. We got divorced and my mother remarried in Argentina a long time ago. Is that why you became a Freudian? Because of divorce? No, because of all those years. Oh, I see. That's a good question. So what happened to the Freudian part? What happened to it? Well, I'm... Well, the... How do you call it? The Iron Wall fell.

[33:36]

And I think Marxism fell along with it. to some extent, although some of the problems that Marx was writing about haven't been resolved and we're still having to face with them. So there's still some questions there I think that are relevant. As far as Freud, you know, I work as a psychologist and I'm the director of a clinic And so I still apply my psychoanalysis in the work I do in the clinic there. And I think that that's a subject for a whole other talk, you know, but just briefly, I think that, as we all know, psychotherapy is not a substitute

[34:40]

but it's a compliment to it. And especially, you know, practice of Zen requires you have to be a little crazy, but not too crazy. So most teachers say you have to be somewhat normal, whatever normal is, have some stability in your life to be able to practice Zen. But then, you know, there are all these, and Buddhism is a question about suffering, and there are all these people who suffer, who sort of fall out of the practice of zazen, you know, and talking about people with psychiatric disorders, and that's what the question of suffering for Freud was all about. What is a mental disorder? So, in a way, it's continuing the Bodhisattva vow outside the Zen dome and outside of Buddhism.

[35:52]

Thank you.

[35:58]

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