Well, I've been thinking about what is renunciation. Renunciation has various meanings, but here it means giving up or letting go of something. And ultimately, for a person who practices Buddhadharma, it means letting go of ego. or letting go of that which is not true, letting go of illusion or delusion in order to see what's real.

[01:11]

So if one becomes a monk, one is called a renunciate. But in our daily life of ordinary people, what kind of renunciation can we practice? In other words, what can we let go of? in order to bring forth truth or reality. Greed, anger and delusion are the three poisonous roots that reinforce this sense of false self. So, since all of us have these qualities, which are problems for us, we know what it is that we have to work with.

[02:31]

It's not a mystery. Last week I was in Chapel Hill doing Sashin. and for five days. And there's a Chapel Hill Zen group. And the Sashin was in the country, in a summer camp, and very crude accommodations. And it was kind of a makeshift situation. And they were serving, the cook was, it was the cook's first time that they ever cooked for sashimi or for the saga.

[03:37]

And they, the cereal in the morning didn't have any seasoning in it. So as I would eat the cereal in the morning, if you've ever eaten cornmeal without seasoning, it's like eating the box that it came in. But actually, after eating it, And letting go of my... At first I thought, no seasoning. I knew it. And they didn't serve any seasoning on the side to put into it. As we do. After 25 or 30 years of refining our eating practices, we become very soft, you know. and expectant.

[04:39]

I know what's coming. But confronted with this little problem, of course I knew right away, you know, that I had to give up my expectations. But for a moment, my expectation was there and it was covering my ability to be present in the situation and to actually enjoy what was in front of me. So, letting go of my expectation and just eating the cornmeal, there is a subtle taste that comes forth.

[05:47]

And I realized that this subtle taste was a subtle taste of reality. which for us is sometimes very hard to see or to accept. It's hard to accept the subtlety of reality when we have some expectation. When Suzuki Roshi came to America, the hippies were eating brown rice. and introducing, of course, brown rice to Tassajara in the 60s. And Suzuki Roshi had to eat it. You know, in Asia, people don't eat brown rice.

[06:51]

As a matter of fact, they keep refining the rice, the different grades of refined rice, white rice. And to eat brown rice is Cooks. Cooks and American hippies. But Suzuki Roshi ate it, you know. And I think it's what killed him. But he said, chewing brown rice You don't like it at first, but the more you chew it, because it's very plain, the more you chew it, the more the flavor comes out. The natural flavor comes out the more you chew it, which is true. But it's not there at first.

[07:53]

It's only after it becomes chewed over and over. And he said, this is like our practice. Our practice is like chewing brown rice, because it seems so flavorless to begin with. But the more you chew it, the more you see its true flavor, which is really hard to see when you have some expectation about how it should be, or how you want it to be, or how you think it ought to be. or what you think you're going to get from it, or what the idea of flavor that you had in your mind. In Buddhist terminology, this kind of expectation or

[08:56]

desire is called a thought covering. Thought coverings are what, this is the way Akonze translated this term, is thought coverings are what obscure reality. It's not that thinking is wrong, but it's really hard to see or feel or experience reality if we have some expectation or some desire or thought covering about what it is. Some people, the early Buddhists, had this idea that we should reach nirvana.

[10:12]

Nirvana literally means extinction. So this is what they felt was Buddha's message. take away all of the samsaric problems of life, then you're left with nirvana, which is peace without the problems of the passions and the problems of our turbulent life. But then the Buddhists came to realize that you can't do that. You can't divide your life between the water and the waves.

[11:18]

If you want the water, you have to accept the waves. You have to live your life in the waves. And so whenever we want to do something or have some peace or purity or equanimity, we always keep being battered by the waves. The waves of desire and the waves of greed, the waves of anger, And the waves of delusion keep battering us. So we may practice in a certain way for a while and think that we're really feeling pure and wonderful and then suddenly something comes up and we're right back where we were again. And it's become very discouraging.

[12:23]

So the later Buddhists realized that samsara is the activity of nirvana. And nirvana is the source of samsara. that we have to find our renunciation or our letting go moment by moment within the turbulent problems of our life. And where we find nirvana is in the impossible place of our life. Even though we want to be good, we can't be good.

[13:51]

Even though we want to do something right, it doesn't turn out right. But letting go of what needs to be let go of on each moment, given our situation is where we find our renunciation. When we sit in Zazen, as an example, We say, let go of your thinking mind. And so we sit down and assume our posture. And as soon as we do that, the thinking mind just goes... And at the end of Zazen, we say,

[14:56]

But there is no good or bad. Zazen. Zazen is just what it is. We make a big effort. And no matter how big an effort we make, it never turns out perfect. never turns out right. But the effort itself is the perfection. The perfection is not in the result, in some idea of a result. When Our effort is wholehearted.

[16:08]

When we really make our wholehearted effort, we have success and failure. All of us are failures, fortunately. And at the same time, successful. Success and failure are really right there together. Because we look back and we see a scenario, we think that that's what we've been doing. But actually our life just appears on each moment. And each moment we have the ability to live in reality. There's nothing but this moment of reality.

[17:15]

And we can always come back to this moment. So renunciation can be just giving up and coming back to this moment of reality. This is what zazen is. A moment of delusion and a moment of reality. And another moment of delusion and another moment of reality. Delusion needs reality and reality needs delusion. And our life is the tension or the inner penetration of delusion and enlightenment. Delusion and reality. Samsara and Nirvana.

[18:20]

And this is our perfection. I'm not trying to get rid of our delusion. You can never get rid of your delusion. The Heart Sutra says form is emptiness and emptiness is form. Delusion is enlightenment and enlightenment is delusion. When we drive down the street, everyone has a different idea about what it means to drive our car down the street.

[19:37]

You know, nowadays, because there's so many cars, people don't wait for you to pass before they pull in front of you from a side street. This is becoming more and more common. People are losing their patience. They don't want to sit there and wait for you to pass by, so they just pull out in front of you and slow down. some of us. And this frustration comes up and anger comes up and no matter how tranquil we may be feeling or free, suddenly anger grips us or frustration So at that moment, to be able to let go of the anger, that's renunciation.

[20:55]

How do we let go of that? As soon as the anger comes up, we separate ourselves and create an ego. An ego is created at that moment. You can't help it. There's no way you can help it. It just is. But the ego, that anger that comes up, that frustration that comes up, enables us to realize that it's possible to let go of that anger and have some peace by just accepting our situation. Immediately accepting our situation and slowing down, even though we don't like it.

[21:59]

So even though we don't like it, we have to let go. That's the hard part. And our life is based on, even though we don't like it, we have to do something. And what's happening in our society is I don't like it, so I'll get rid of you. That's what's actually happening in our society. I don't like it, so I'll get rid of you. Rather than renouncing our anger, which becomes like a balloon. These emotions are like balloons. I've talked about this before. starts out as a little feeling, but it just fills up like a huge balloon and then pops and can be very dangerous. So renunciation is like to be able to let go of

[23:14]

angry situation or greed or a delusive situation as it's taking us over. In other words, how do we want to live our life? I think it comes from that intention Do I want to live my life just pulled around by emotions, or do I want to dwell in nirvana? And if we want to live, if we only live our life for ourself,

[24:18]

that's egotistical. If we only live our life for others, that's also egotistical. So a Bodhisattva way is just to do Buddha's work. If we just do Buddha's work, Bodhisattva's work, then we can see ourself and our situation and others in the same way. This is called turning the ego into the wisdom of equality. Ego becomes transformed into the wisdom of equality through seeing myself, the situation and the other as equal. When I can see that, when I can do that, then I know what to do in the situation.

[25:28]

And that makes it possible to let go of this balloon that's taking me over. So our practice, our daily practice, is right here in our feelings, our emotions, and our thoughts. We don't have to wonder about how do I practice in my daily life. It's all right there. What is my intention? How do I find release or freedom? I'll use that term rather than nirvana. How do I find my release or freedom in each situation?

[26:30]

And how does that help others? Sometimes we think of practice too much in terms of myself. There are two sides of practice. One is how I cultivate, so to speak, my own practice. And the other is, how does this extend to everyone? How do I help people? How do I help the world? That's the other side. And they're both equally important. And the way to help is to forget the self, which means to not build up the ego. Through our passions, but it doesn't mean to get rid of our passions. It doesn't mean to get rid of thoughts and feelings, but to transform them.

[27:35]

I don't know if this makes so much sense. It may. It probably does. But you may have something to say about it or some question. What comes up right away for me now is the issue of where is the freedom if, say, you have an abused child. It seems to me anybody who's a down the end of that kind of thing is the anger is... In an ideal world the anger shouldn't be the balloon that keeps growing, yet to let go of it means to stay a victim. No. To hang on to it means to stay a victim.

[28:44]

But without the anger there's no sense of something going wrong and action to be taken. So you have to let go of something going wrong. That's really hard. As long as you say something's gone wrong. We have to be able to forgive. There's no way out of that. And it can be the hardest thing in the world to say, I forgive. Otherwise, we're tied in. We keep ourselves tied into the situation. As long as we keep ourselves tied into the situation, that's where we are. And that's where we'll always be. And unless you can cut the umbilical cord of that situation, you can't be free. Can I just say one more thing? Let's say you're... I hear what you're saying, totally. But let's say you're an African-American, and in the moment of... right in the moment,

[29:51]

you experience yet another racist remark or action? Yes. It seems to me that calls for change. Yes. It calls for change, it calls for awareness, and who's going to bring the awareness if there's no real response to that kind of hurtful situation? I'm not talking about holding onto the anger for it, I'm just saying responding to that. in the moment. How do you respond to that? Well, I like to think of the word as interrupted. Interrupt, you know, the racism or whatever the abuse is, as best you can. Well, does that do any good? Well, there are many ways to interrupt. Yes, there are. I think it can, yeah. I definitely do. So, there are different ways to interrupt.

[30:55]

Sometimes anger is important, right? But if you know how to use anger, rather than be used by anger. So, that's very different. And besides, that's a little different problem than the one of abused child. in hanging on to this, I need to be vengeful. Otherwise, well, otherwise I lose my integrity. I really wasn't talking about that. I was talking more about interrupting things that are very harmful in the moment. But there are skillful ways to do that. And there are ways to do that that don't harm yourself. And I think that that's renunciation. Because, you know, the person who's opposing me, so to speak, my counterpart,

[32:06]

Do I want to become that person? Do I want to operate on that same level? There are ways of separating. There are ways of interrupting. But if I hurt that person, How do I protect my antagonist? That's very difficult, but it's much more skillful, much more interesting. Because what happens is we operate in a world of retaliation. And the world of retaliation just keeps the cycle going over and over. I mean, look at Africa. It's just the world of retaliation, the cycle of retaliation going over and over in unbelievable cycles.

[33:19]

That doesn't stop anything. The only way to stop anger, to stop this hate, or whatever you call it, is through love. You cannot do it with more hate. But it's almost impossible for us because we have so much sense of self. We violate our ego by doing that. We do. Think about it. How our ego is violated by giving up retaliation. I just have one more thing and then I'll stop, but it seems to me there's a whole spectrum between, I mean on one end is retaliation and vengeance and on the other hand, you know, on the other end is something else.

[34:30]

And I guess what I'm thinking while you're talking is something about Vigilance and compassion, both. Right. You know, because there's a whole spectrum. Vigilance, that's right. And where is it on the spectrum? Right. Right. So you have to know where it is on the spectrum. And sometimes, you know, you have to do something violent on this end of the spectrum. That's all I am. Right. But as much as possible, you want to avoid that. So it's not easy. It's very hard for us to be disloyal to our ego. That's why giving up is so hard. That's why forgiving is so hard. Loving your enemy is so hard.

[35:39]

Not loving your enemy, but offering love to your enemy. Very hard. It just violates our sense of self. Anger creates this self. if you've succeeded or failed in your zazen, and we judge that, and you were saying that effort is the meaning. Yeah. Well, how about if you say, I didn't really make any effort today. That's good. I didn't make any, tomorrow I will. That's good for you. I didn't make any effort today, but tomorrow I will. Even though I'm a failure, I'll work harder. Right, I mean, I think I judge it that way.

[36:41]

You know, I say, oh, I didn't really make an effort, so I am at value. Yeah. It's not like I came here not wanting to. No. Okay, let's take failure out of it. I didn't make any effort today, and I don't feel so good. But tomorrow I will. But even making effort or not making effort sometimes seems out of my control. And I might come to this end with all good intention, and I didn't come here to waste time. Well, you mean you made the best effort you could then? Yeah, that's how it seems. That's good. I made the best effort. That I could. That I could. At the time. Maybe you're exhausted. That's okay. Right. Yeah, I made the best effort I could at the time. You should feel satisfied with that. What is delusion? It seems like grasping and aversion seem conceptually easier to grasp.

[37:43]

But delusion, I don't understand this delusion. Well, grasping at seeing something as separate from ourself is delusion. Saying something is being outside of ourself is a misdelusion. There's a big self, so to speak. Big self, I'll use that term, divides itself. There are two divisions to big self. One is subject, which I call me, and the other is object, which I call it, or things. And this division is an illusion, but we take it for reality.

[38:48]

In Sanskrit, the nimitta bhaga and the darshana bhaga. The nimitta is objects, object division. And the darsana, bhaga, is the self or subject division. So discrimination divides. Discrimination sees the object is different than the subject. There are differences, of course. But fundamentally, that division doesn't exist. So delusion is to think that that division exists. So we all suffer from this delusion. And when ego, or this delusion, the delusion is called ego.

[40:07]

And when that's no longer deluded, then there's enlightenment. Because enlightenment is a natural order of mind. It's not something that we get. It's just when things click into place, and you realize that That which I hear is no other than myself. We say the sage, some people, the deluded person sees the self as other and the enlightened person sees the other as self. That's the difference. If the enlightened mind is the natural mind, why does reality require delusion?

[41:13]

the wall in which the enlightened mind bounces off of in order to see itself. That's why delusion is important. Not something to be gotten rid of. It just has a bad name. But we don't want to dwell there. So, we see the division. Enlightenment recognizes the division. And that's the field that we play in. This is our field of play. Within the realm of illusions, actually. Like a play. You know, this is a stage. Shakespeare said it.

[42:28]

The whole world is a stage and we're players on it and we take different roles. And the plays are all about truth. So, this dynamic is always working. Truth and falsehood, you know, But truth and falsehood need each other. Truth wouldn't be truth without falsehood, and falsehood wouldn't be falsehood without truth. So they need each other. And this is where the field of play. But yet, it's all one thing. Yes? Does the enlightened mind recognize the delusion Not detached, but unattached.

[43:33]

Within, detached would be meant like to separate, but non-attached is like within the delusion to not be caught by it. So that we can actually do the dance. and not get caught by either grasping something that we want too much or pushing away something that we don't want too much. then nirvana seems to say there's no delusion. In reality, there's no delusion.

[44:39]

So how does nirvana fit in reality? The activity, all activity, right, is the realm of delusion, okay? And stillness is the realm of emptiness, or the realm of enlightenment, so to speak. So one is the activity of the other. He is timeless.

[45:42]

@Text_v004
@Score_JJ