And did anybody who do it, are you willing to show it? Share it? I'll read it. Sure. Thank you. There's nothing, I'll just read it. Because it's just a three part question. which is followed on from what I said last time. And part of what Howie said, isn't conception and birth miracle enough? Why must it be sexless? Where does sex begin Buddhism? That's a nice little question to tuck away and keep in the back of our minds. Thank you. Mine's completely different. I'm almost embarrassed to read it.

[01:03]

Most people's wouldn't be similar. When I was a child growing up in the Methodist church, I loved Bible stories. My dad bought records of such stories, and he would let us listen to them at night when we went to bed. At night in the dark, laying there in my bed, the images were grand and inspiring. I still remember some of them. The stories bring alive the lessons. So it is here, too. I began to feel the grandness of our stories, of wanting to hear more of them. I didn't write mine down, I thought it out. Yes. It's a question, kind of like, not like Juliet's, but in the manner of. And I was struck by that part, where, after Buddha died, the light that appeared in the world. And how, in so many religions, the divine manifests itself as light, and whether it's a pillar of fire, or

[02:13]

And then the being of light that people describe who've had near-death experiences. And following up on what Howard had said, maybe this isn't meant just to be metaphorical. Well these are nice questions to keep, to just to notice the light imagery as we keep reading because of course it continues and continues. Enlightenment is our topic tonight. And also this question of what's real and what we dismiss is not real. Hi.

[03:19]

We have a lot of handouts for you. Not that. Okay. Not that. text. Yes. But I too was sort of taken, you know, with Howard's sort of, how do you know it wasn't Miracles?

[04:39]

And it just happened that shortly after that in seminar, we were reading Miracles, a festival by Dover that is going to be published in the next two years. And it went back to the Well, it was the idea that we'll also sort of blast the Hinayana, because it talks about having water rushing out of your head, you know, spouting forward, which is apparently what some people who perform miracles do. This is a minor miracle, but carrying water and chopping wood every day is the major miracle. And that for everyone, if you notice, there are 8,000 miracles in the morning, and I forget how many, 700 in the evening. For some reason, they skip the afternoon. But that sort of fit in.

[05:42]

So tonight, we will begin on page 10 in the chapter, The Struggle for Enlightenment. And Ronnie, do you want to borrow? Although you have this and you can read it at home, I think it's nice to read these texts aloud. I mean, they are worthy of that, and they were oral in the first place. So I do like to read them aloud and stop and comment, and I hope that that doesn't seem to be too meandering a way to proceed. So, first we are going to talk about the renunciation.

[07:05]

The account of the renunciation given in the Pitaka is striking in its bare simplicity. The elaborate details of the later versions are absent in it as they are in this oldest version of the birth and the early years. Here is an account which is drawn from several discourses delivered to various persons. I have a collection of Pali sutras at home and there's a later version of Buddha's life and the renunciation which is very different from this and you see it's where we're used to more drawn out versions of the renunciation and the home leaving and the horse and the servant and the cutting of the hair and so on but all that is later so this is what we're reading here is just the earliest Before my enlightenment, while I was still only an unenlightened bodhisattva, being myself subject to birth, aging, ailment, death, sorrow and defilement, I sought after what was also subject to these things.

[08:19]

And then I thought, Why, being myself subject to birth, aging, ailment, death, sorrow, and defilement, do I seek after what is also subject to these things? Suppose, being myself subject to these things, seeing danger in them, I sought after the unborn, unaging, unailing, deathless, sorrowless, undefined, supreme surcease of bondage, nirvana. That's an interesting passage. Before Buddha's enlightenment he is referred to as the Bodhisattva. So the Bodhisattva is the enlightening being who leans towards being a Buddha. But the Bodhisattva is different from the Buddha because the Bodhisattva wants to be a Buddha and the Buddha has no desires of being anything else. So

[09:23]

he is in this bodhisattva state now and understands, has seen clearly the circumstances, the conditions of life and now here is where this birth destiny, this unusual birth comes into play because he wants, he has this enormous desire for radical change. You know, with this, I was trying to find when I was in mental health, we used to talk about first order change and second order change. The first order change is when we lose weight or improve our characters or, you know, make some change like that. But a second order change is bigger. It's like the difference between sleep and wakefulness.

[10:29]

between life and death. It's really a total change of the frame within which we're working. So, this is what Buddha, this Bodhisattva knows is possible. That he understands that he's subject to all the conditions of the world and he has some intense idea that there's a different place to be. So, before my enlightenment, while I was still only an unenlightened bodhisattva, I thought, house life is crowded and dusty. Life gone forth is wide open. It is not easy living in a household to lead a holy life as utterly perfect and pure as a polished shell. Suppose I shaved off my hair and beard, put on the yellow robe, and went forth from the house into homelessness.

[11:37]

And then, again, later, while still young, a black-haired boy, blessed with youth in the first phase of life, I shaved off my hair and beard. Though my father and mother wished it otherwise and grieved with tearful faces, I put on the yellow robe and went forth from the house. House life into homelessness. So, you know, how do we leave home? How do we approach this phase of the journey, this renunciation phase, this phase where I said last week, we are impressed with the seriousness of the promise of living by vow rather than living by karma. How then do we manifest that vow in our lives?

[12:45]

Sometimes, occasionally we take a home-leaving vow when you become a priest. The difference between lay ordination and priest ordination is that you vow to leave home. And there are lots of priests around with families. So, what does that mean? And how do we do it? I can just plant that little question. Can you answer it? What does it mean as a priest yourself? As a priestess myself? Well, it meant that I definitely put the three refuges first in my life and as I was divorced and my children had grown up and I'd left work

[13:53]

that was fairly comfortable. It didn't entail a lot of tearing and tugging, as it usually does, as it had before in my life, actually. And then I didn't intend it, but just little by little, There wasn't much left in my life, but so Dharma things. And it wasn't so much a vow, but it just, other things dropped off. And they dropped off, and they dropped off. It was sort of amazing, but that's what happened. I think that, It does mean simplification. You know, as you continue to practice, your life sort of naturally simplifies.

[14:57]

But you said the difference between vow and karma, and it sounds like what you just described for yourself was not so much a vow, but karma. There was a deep vow beneath it, but it wasn't because I said the words, I will leave home, but that that ceremony for me did represent the direction that my life was taking. You know, Mel always says when he does these services that they're not, it's not a change, it's a confirmation of what's already happening. So, it raises a good question, what is a vow? your words can speak, your mouth can say a vow. But what is a vow? How does your life express vow? Express vow. Because I think as people practice a lot of times the vow is not something you consciously state.

[16:12]

even in your head, it's something that starts to play itself out. Yes. Yes. Very definitely. And of course we say it all the time. I mean, in the services we say it. We say it once a day. We say it in the Bodhisattva ceremony. Our whole liturgical life is all about our vows, the meal service. So that they're kind of, if you sit through a lot of services and sessions, this vow line is always kind of running through the back of your head. It's always there, reminding you. How does one know it's an appropriate degree of renunciation, like one could give up one's home, one's money, one's life. Right, and sometimes one feels one should, you know, especially in this very unbalanced world.

[17:16]

I think the answer is that your life, when you're living out your dharmic life well your life is balanced it's in harmony and so occasionally somebody may make a big a big change and do something rather radical but that's that's tricky and It's the safer way is to just do it bit by bit, that you see that the other aspects in your life are not upset by what you're doing. Can anyone else speak to that? Yeah, intentionality is really the catalyst to this sort of thing.

[18:24]

When I was in the Navy, learned a great lesson. We were doing these maneuvers and I was trying to figure out where Because if you turn the wrong way, then, I mean, you've completely lost it. But if you turn the right way, then you can decide how much. It sounds like skillful means, correcting, just because you have an intention to go in a direction, and if what you're doing isn't working, then you can correct.

[19:27]

And I basically have come to the point where I really don't want to tolerate being around people who are other than that. I don't trust them. And what I find is that I don't trust myself if I don't keep my word. And that once I can, to the extent I can trust myself, then what I say happens. The intention keeps getting caught up The intention becomes clearer and clearer. And that no matter what I do, even if it doesn't work directly, that that process is going to have results in another direction. And I'm glad you mentioned the word skillful. That's a very important word. That this whole teaching is based on skillfulness. That one, we all want to have some rules and some clarity. But again and again, it's not rules and it's not clarity.

[20:47]

It's skillfulness from one moment to the next, to the next. Maybe living in terms of no separation. When you mentioned last class about having, I left here and I thought about it all the way home. having and being. Yeah. And I thought that it's not about having because if you think you have to have something or are in search of something, then you automatically have separation. And it's about surrender. into one's own innocence. And then you realize that you don't have to have anything except what's right there.

[21:51]

And that's enough. Yeah. Thank you. Okay. So now comes Now comes a poem or some verse which goes into the home leaving a little bit more. Now I will tell the going forth, how he, the mighty seer, went forth, how he was questioned and described the reason for his going forth. The crowded life lived in a house exhales an atmosphere of dust. But life gone forth is open wide. He saw this, and he chose the going forth. By his so doing, he refused all evil action of the body, rejected all wrong kinds of speech, and rectified his livelihood besides.

[22:59]

So, this going forth, or this renunciation, is it renunciation, or is it going forth? interesting kind of hinge. This going forth involves all the precepts and all the right views that, as Susan said, we keep our promise We promise right speech and right livelihood and right views. We promise ourselves that we'll take the precepts and that we'll follow them. And that's the going forth. So then he goes out for then Buddha, then the Bodhisattva, because he still, as Judy said, has something that he wants, goes forth.

[24:01]

He makes these promises, these commitments, and then he trusts. And he goes and he asks for alms, which of course is a very traditional thing to do. And a king, King Bimbisara, sees him and notes his unusual conduct and appearance. And there is something about a person who is going forth, all of us who are going forth, when we're in that mode, it's noticeable, it manifests. And so the king is impressed and asks one of his servants to find out where this deco is gone and where he lives. And the king finds him.

[25:07]

and then reports the bhikkhu on page 12, the bhikkhu sire like a tiger or like a bull or like a lion is seated in a mountain cave on the eastern slopes of Pandava. And then the king drives there. and descends from the couch and walks until he comes near the sage. And then says, you are a youth and you look very good. Who are you? What is your lineage? And your birth, I ask you also, tell it. And so then, The Bodhisattva replies, there is a prosperous county sire and vigorous right up against the foothills of the Himalaya inhabited by the Kosalans, whose race is named after the sun, whose lineage is Shakyam. But I have not gone forth to seek sense pleasures.

[26:10]

I have gone out to strive, seeing danger in them and seeing safe refuge from them in renouncing. That is my heart's desire. Oh, I should have said, and the king makes him an offer. The king offers to have him come and lead the troops of elephants, and I offer you a fortune. And the Buddha declines. Because this going forth, seeking safe refuge, renouncing, that is my heart's desire. so this he's being tested but the heart's desire is strong so then he thinks that he should find a teacher and he goes to the most apparent teacher Alara Kalama

[27:17]

and says, friend Kalama, I want to lead the holy life in this dharma and discipline. And when this was said, Alara Kalama told me, the venerable one may stay here. This teaching is such that in no long time, a wise man can enter upon and dwell in it, himself realizing through direct knowledge what his own teacher knows. So now we're learning a little bit about the background of Buddha's time and what there was going on. I soon learned the teaching. I claimed that as far as mere lip reciting and rehearsal of his teaching went, I could speak with knowledge and assurance, and that I knew and saw, and there were others who did likewise. And I thought, it is not through near faith alone that Orara Kalama declares his teaching. It is because he has entered upon and dwelt in it, himself realizing it through direct knowledge.

[28:25]

It is certain that he dwells in this teaching, knowing and seeing. So, I'm not exactly sure what this teaching is, but it sounds as if it's very close. It's up the alley, and we're all in. of watching the mind. And then I went to Alara Kalama and I said to him, friend Kalama, how far do you declare to have entered upon this teaching, yourself realizing it through direct knowledge? When this was said, he declared, the base consisting of nothingness, It occurred to me, it is not only Alara Kalama that has faith, energy, mindfulness, concentration and understanding, but I too have these faculties. Suppose I strove to realize the teaching that he declares to enter upon and dwell in, himself realizing it through direct knowledge.

[29:33]

So, he declared the base So the Bodhisattva is saying, what is this teaching? And Alarakalama is saying, it is the experience which has the base of nothingness. So here again, it sounds close, that emptiness is the base. And this is the first time that emptiness is mentioned. In this month's Tricycle, there is an American, Biku Tanisaro, who lives in Los Angeles and who has written, has edited one of the texts that was in the homework.

[30:34]

And he says that emptiness is a mode of perception, a way of looking at experience. It adds nothing to and takes nothing away from the raw data of physical and mental events. You look at events in the mind and the senses with no thought of whether there's anything lying behind them. Emptiness is a mode of perception. So of course we chant this all the time. No eyes, no ears, no nose, no tongue, no body, no mind. So this was in the background for Buddha and this was the state of the art as he found it, as he was looking for it.

[31:36]

And then I went to Alara Kalama and I said to him, Friend Kalama, is it thus far that you declare to have entered upon and dwelt in this teaching, yourself realizing it through direct knowledge? And he told me that it was. And then Buddha says, I too, friend, have entered this far upon and dwelt in this teaching, myself realizing it through direct knowledge. And then Alara Kalama recognizes Buddha's attainment and says, essentially, that's wonderful. You and I are peers. Welcome. So thus, Alara Kalama, my teacher, placed me, his pupil, on an equal footing with himself, according me the highest honor. And I thought, This teaching does not lead to dispassion, to fading of lust, to cessation, to peace, to direct knowledge, to enlightenment, to nirvana, but only to the base consisting of nothingness.

[32:51]

I was not satisfied with that teaching, so I left it to pursue my search." So, he really doesn't exactly know what's going to come, but he knows what he wants and he is loyal to this heart's desire of truly escaping, truly leaving the conditions of the world, finding a frame that is larger than the conditions of the world. I shouldn't say leaving, but finding this larger, radically different frame. And then he finds another teacher And he pursues the questioning, but he's not satisfied either. And this next teacher says that the base, this is again the narrative one of fourteen, the last line, the base, consisting of neither perception nor non-perception.

[33:59]

Well, I don't know quite what that is. I'm sure it is something very specific. But it was not what Buddha was looking for. So, he has gotten what he can get from the teachers around, and now he decides to go alone. So he goes to this place. There I saw an agreeable plot of ground, a delightful grove, a clear-flowing river with pleasant smooth banks, and nearby a village's alms resort. And I thought, this will serve for the struggle of a clansman who seeks the struggle. So now comes the struggle, the bodhisattva's struggle.

[35:02]

Now before my enlightenment, while I was still only an unenlightened bodhisattva, I thought, remote jungle thicket abodes in the forest are hard to endure. Seclusion is hard to achieve. Isolation is hard to enjoy. One would think the jungles must rob a bhikkhu of his mind if he has no concentration. So now at this point he's finding what inner strengths he has and concentration is one of them. And I thought, suppose some monk or brahmin is unpurified in bodily, verbal, or mental conduct, or in his livelihood, or is covetous and keenly sensitive to lust for sensual desires, or malevolent with thoughts of hate, or a prey to lethargy and drowsiness, or agitated and uncommon mind, or doubting and uncertain, is given to self-praise, denigrating others, is subject to fright and horror, desires gain honor and renown,

[36:08]

is idle and wanting in energy, forgetful and not fully aware, unconcentrated and confused in mind, devoid of understanding and driveling. When some such monk or brahmin resorts to a remote jungle thicket abode in the forest, then, owing to those faults, he evokes unwholesome fear and dread." So, we can all understand that. But I do not resort to a remote jungle thicket abode in the forest as one of those. I have none of those defects. I resort to a remote jungle thicket abode in the forest as one of the noble ones who are free from these defects. Seeing in myself this freedom from such defects, I find great solace in living in the forest." So it seems as if he's This probably is an expression of some years of jungle, thicket abode experience.

[37:21]

And it sounds as if his mind is going through a number of mind states. And at this moment he's feeling pretty good. But then I thought, but there are the specially holy nights of the half moons of the 14th and 15th and the quarter moon of the 8th. Suppose I spent those nights in such awe-inspiring abodes as orchard shrines, woodland shrines, and tree shrines, which make the hair stand up. Perhaps I should encounter that fear and dread. And later on, such specially holy nights as the half moons of the 14th and 15th and the quarter moon of the 8th, I dwelt in such awe-inspiring abodes as orchard shrines, woodland shrines, and tree shrines, which make the hair stand up. And while I dwelt there, a deer would approach me, or a peacock would knock off a branch. or the wind would rustle in the leaves.

[38:23]

And then I thought, surely this is fear or dread coming. Ghost stories. Right. Right. Exactly. So it's one thing to have put all one's failings and defects and hindrances aside, but then still... There's more. There's more. Right. And while I walked, the fear and dread came upon me. But I neither stood nor sat nor lay down until I had subdued that fear and dread. But you skipped a paragraph before, which seems important. Why do I dwell on constant expectation of fear and dread? Yes, thank you. It's very important. Yes. We had a discussion last Monday an unpremeditated discussion in the Zen dome on the subject of fear. And a lot of people talked about their particular patterns of fear.

[39:27]

And the fear of fearlessness came up as a pretty big one. Fear of fearlessness. That's right. That how much fearlessness can we stand? before somebody gets you. Yeah. You know, if you're not watching out all the time, if you're not afraid in advance, maybe it will get you. That's right. That's right. Because fear really supports the self-habit. Yeah. You know, it really supports, fear really supports self-importance. The opposite of fear is trust. The opposite of fear is trust. And fear seems very authentic. And trust seems very open. Where am I? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[40:30]

So, for many of us, if we're not actually fearing something, we can sort of be expected to fear something. Yeah. So, if he was walking and he felt fearful, He couldn't get up until he'd mastered that fear and then the same was going down. Yes. Yes. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he really pursues the study of fear very methodically. That would ultimately lead to the fear of death. That's right. That's the bottom of it. In other words, something could happen any minute. The loss of control. Total control. Right. Right. So, yes, thank you for pointing that out.

[41:31]

That is important. Why do I dwell in constant expectation of the fear and dread? So, why not subdue that fear and dread while maintaining the posture I am in when it comes to me? So, not changing your posture, just being with the fear, standing. Not pushing it away. Right. Not leaving it. So I neither walked nor sat nor lay down till I had subdued that fear and dread. While I sat, the fear and dread came upon me, but I neither walked nor stood nor lay down until I had subdued that fear and dread. While I lay, the fear and dread came upon me, but I neither walked nor stood nor sat till I had subdued that fear and dread. So that really does, this passage really does give fear a special place in the gallery of our difficulties.

[42:36]

So what was it Mel said on Monday morning? It was something like, fearlessness gives you freedom and evidently not too many people really want to be free. Because if they did, they wouldn't be so fearful. Wasn't that what he said? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, how many of us really do want to be free? You know, or really... We don't know what freedom is. Because it means leaving behind the personality habits that are so familiar and that we think we like so much. Yes. Or that describe us. That's right. And what is there if you leave those behind? What is there if you leave them behind, and all the drama? What is it that you've been embodying all this lifetime? So, you know, we're getting to see this radical frame. Like giving up something that's

[43:41]

and finding out that it's not that hard afterwards. Now what do I do? And so now we're moving into the area of effort, right effort. And on page 16, now three similes occurred to me spontaneously, never heard before. I'm totally pleased with myself. I know more than anybody else. And so then we have these three long paragraphs about a sappy piece of wood. Can you light a fire? by taking the upper fire stick and rubbing the wet, sappy piece of wood lying in a fire with it.

[44:49]

No, you can't light a fire with a sappy piece of wood that's lying in water. Well then, can you light a fire with a wet, sappy piece of wood lying in dry land far from water? No, you can't do that either. Well, on page 17, again suppose there were a dry, sapless piece of wood lying in dry land far from water and a man came with an upper fire stick thinking, I shall light a fire, I shall produce a heat. Can you do this? Yes, Lord. Why? Because you are in this case both physically withdrawn from the impediment and mentally withdrawn from the impediment. So he's talking about all this cultivating, cultivating the mind ground, cultivating the practice and what a great thing this is.

[46:00]

So now he's really getting kind of, he's getting pretty good at cultivating the practice. So, then I thought, suppose if my teeth clenched and my tongue pressed against the roof of my mouth, I bent down, I beat down, constrain and crush my mind, crush my mind with my mind. Then as a strong man might seize a weaker by the head or shoulders and beat him down, constrain him and crush him, so with my teeth clenched and my tongue pressed against the roof of my mouth, I beat down, constrained, and crushed my mind with my mind. Sweat ran from my armpits while I did so. Though tireless energy was aroused in me and unremitting mindfulness established, yet my body was overwrought and uncalm because I was exhausted by the painful efforts.

[47:05]

But such painful feelings as arose in me gained no power over my mind." So, you know, we're sort of in the area of perhaps unskillful effort. which we probably have all experienced, you know? Just cut out the thinking. Quit it. Stop it. Yes. Then I thought, suppose I practiced. A strong man was splitting my head open with a sharp sword. And then there were violent pains in my head, as if a strong man were tightening a tight leather strap around my head. And then violent winds carved up my belly as a clever butcher or his apprentice carves up an ox belly with a sharp knife, et cetera. At each time, though tireless energy was aroused in me and unremitting mindfulness established, yet my body was overwrought and uncalm because I was exhausted by the painful effort.

[48:21]

But such painful feeling as arose in me gained no power over my mind." It's an interesting condition, that he is overwrought and the effort is too much, it's not skillful. But still, he hasn't lost the stability of the effort. Now when the deities saw me, they said, the monk Gautama is dead. And other deities said, the monk Gautama is not dead, he is dying. And other deities said, the monk Gautama is neither dead nor dying. The monk Gautama is an arhat, a saint, for such is the way of saints. Now we're going to hear a lot about deities. And they're in every convocation that assembles around Buddha. And there are a lot of... There's one sutra which is a talk that Buddha gives to the deities.

[49:34]

And deities have all kinds of forms. They include birds and serpents and, I suppose, people-like forms. And some of them are... sophisticated in the Dharma, and others are pretty dumb about the Dharma. They're just all these variations of deities, and they're just always around. And it's just a part of this Indian world. So it's another place where we can say, oh, deities, we don't believe in that. But the things we have on our altars up here seem like deities. Well, no, they are bodhisattvas. They're practice figures.

[50:37]

Deities are spirits who may have wholesome or unwholesome qualities. In this language, the word is confusing for us because it usually doesn't mean that. Spirits. It means spirits. The devas. The devas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we may come upon passages, at one point, after Buddha dies, they set out, the crowds of bhikkhus set out, decide they're going to cremate him in a certain place. But a crowd of deities say, oh, no, you can't do it there. You have to do it there. So the whole procession turns around and does it over there. So the deities know certain things.

[51:40]

that the people don't know. It's interesting just to keep an eye on them and notice what their various behaviors are. Well, people in a lot of parts of the world have believed in spirits and spirits inhabiting everything. I mean, even the people up at Fynhorn will talk about you know, spirits they encounter in their garden and they're people like us. But a large part of the world has believed that. And again, maybe it's our impoverished imagination that we don't see these spirits out there. Maybe. Right. So, the deities are watching all this with great interest and have their own speculations in the matter.

[52:44]

And then I thought, suppose I entirely cut off food. And then the deities came to me and said, good sir, do not entirely cut off food. If you do so, we shall inject divine food into your pores and you will live on that. And I thought, if I claim to be completely fasting and these deities inject divine food into my pores and I live on that, then I shall be lying. I dismissed them, saying, there is no need. And I thought, suppose I take very little food, say a handful each time, whether it is bean soup or lentil soup or pea soup. I did so. And as I did so, my body reached a state of extreme emaciation. My limbs became like the jointed segments of vine stems or bamboo stems because of eating so little. My backside became like a camel's hoof. The projections in my spine stood forth like corded beads. My ribs jutted out as gaunt as the crazy rafters of an old roofless barn.

[53:52]

The gleam of my eyes sunk far down in their sockets, looked like the gleam of water sunk far down in a deep well. My scalp shriveled and withered as a green gourd shrivels and withers in the wind and sun. If I touched my belly skin, I encountered my backbone, too. And if I touched my backbone, I encountered my belly skin, too, for my belly skin cleaved to my backbone. If I made water or evacuated my bowels, I fell over on my face there. If I tried to ease my body by rubbing my limbs with my hands, the hair, rotted at its roots, fell away from my body as I rubbed because of eating so little. When human beings saw me now, they said, the monk Gautama is a black man. Other beings said, the monk Gautama is not a black man, he's a brown man. And other human beings said, the monk Gautama is neither a black man nor a brown man, he is fair-skinned.

[54:54]

So much of the clear, bright color of my skin deteriorated through eating so little. Now, we're going to have slides in a bit. Is there a slide of this? The description is rivals joke. Yes, it does. Is that due to a translator's gift of drama? Probably partly, but I think it's very dramatic. It's just very dramatic. So now an interesting thing happens. Mara appears.

[55:58]

As I strove to subdue myself beside the broad Niranjana, absorbed unflinchingly to gain the true surcease of bondage here, Namuchi came and spoke to me with words all garbed in pity. Thus, Namuchi is another name for Mara. Oh, you are thin and you are pale and you are in death's presence too. A thousand parts are pledged to death. But life still holds one part of you. Live, sir. Life is the better way. You can gain merit if you live. Come, live the holy life in poor libations and the holy fires and thus a world of merit gain. What can you do by struggling now? The path of struggling too is rough and difficult and hard to bear. Now Mara, as he spoke these lines, drew near until he stood close by.

[57:00]

The Blessed One replied to him as he stood thus, O evil one, O cousin of the negligent, you have come here for your own ends. Now merit I need not at all. Let Mara talk of merit then to those that stand in need of it. For I have faith and energy and I have understanding too. So while I thus subdue myself, why do you speak to me of life? There is this wind that blows, can dry. There is this wind that blows, can dry even the rivers running streams. So while I thus subdue myself, why should it not dry up my blood? And as the blood dries up, then bile and phlegm run dry. The wasting flesh becomes the mind. I shall have no more. I shall have more of mindfulness, of understanding. I shall have greater concentration. For living thus, I come to know the limits to which feeling goes.

[58:01]

My mind looks not to sense desires. You see a being's purity. Your first squadron is sense desires. Your second is called boredom. And then Buddha runs down this list of hindrances and so on. And in doing so, he identifies Mara. So seeing Mara's squadrons now arrayed all around with elephants, I sally forth to fight, that I may not be driven from my post. Your serried squadrons, serried, I looked it up, means crowded, your serried squadrons, he's talking to Mara, which the world with all its gods cannot defeat, I shall now break with understanding as a stone, a raw clay pot.

[59:04]

So, here is Buddha, the Bodhisattva, starving himself, And then Mara, who's always around, looking for an entrance, a possible entrance, arrives and suggests that he could be a little more comfortable and just rest on his merits, of which he now has a great number. So it's always this question of, are you doing the right thing perhaps for the wrong reason? There's always that. is there a little slippage here. But Buddha is very firm. He's not doing this for merit. So we sit Sazen with no gaining idea. We just sit. and as we get cleaner in our intention to just practice, not because we're looking for some gain, for some little increase in merit, but we're just sitting, then gradually these qualities of sense desire, boredom, hunger, thirst, craving, sloth, and so on, gradually they

[60:29]

are dropped off, they do become lighter. And then it's this beautiful four lines, your serried squadrons. I mean the ranks of Mara, all these temptations, there is a really crowded feeling about them. Which the world with all its gods cannot defeat. I shall now break with understanding as a stone, a raw clay pot. So this really developed and powerful intention. However, there is this problem of being so extremely emaciated. So I thought, Whenever a monk or brahmin has felt in the past or will feel in the future or feels now painful, wracking, piercing feeling due to striving, it can equal this but not exceed it.

[61:31]

But by this grueling penance I have attained no distinction higher than the human state worthy of the noble one's knowledge and vision. Might there be another way to enlightenment? So, you know, maybe this is a dead end. Maybe it has been traveled as far as it can be traveled. And then he has a wonderful memory. I thought of a time when my shakin father was working and I was sitting in the cool shade of a rose apple tree quite secluded from sensual desires. Secluded from the unwholesome things I had entered upon and abode in the first meditation, which is accompanied by thinking and exploring with happiness and pleasure born of seclusion, I thought, might that be the way to enlightenment? Then following up that memory, there came the recognition that this was the way to enlightenment. So there is this little story that while he was a child, he was sitting and his father was working in a field, which seems somewhat unlikely of such a royal person, but perhaps he was.

[62:42]

And he just, the child just naturally dropped into a kind of enlightened state. And he remembers that. So, you know that's just a nice little moment in the past and how many of us as children had some kind of pointing some kind of experience either that just came to us or that we had because we were in When we were introduced to religion, something happened and something got set. The compass needle was just turned a little. So he remembers that.

[63:44]

And suddenly the whole scene shifts for him. I think it's often really important in our practices that To go back and to, particularly for people who had early religious training, which they turned away from, we have a lot of, we always have a number of Catholics in our midst who went to religious schools and said, I'm leaving, none of it. But to return to those experiences and review them and think about what happened. So then, following that memory, there came the recognition that this was the way to enlightenment. And then I thought, why am I afraid of such pleasure? It is pleasure that has nothing to do with sensual desires and unwholesome things. And then I thought, I am not afraid of such pleasure, for it has nothing to do with sensual desires and unwholesome things.

[64:53]

So we have a little habit here of not liking pleasure, which we have to amend. I thought, it is not possible to attain that pleasure with a body so excessively emaciated. Suppose I ate some solid foods, boiled rice and bread. Now at that time, five bhikkhus were waiting in me, thinking, if the monk Gautama achieves something, he will tell us. As soon as I ate the solid food, the boiled rice and bread, the five bhikkhus were disgusted and left me, thinking, the monk Gautama has become self-indulgent. He has given up the struggle and he has reverted to luxury. And now there are five dreams. I'm not going to read the dreams of page 22 aloud, but they are very worthy dreams. They're really marvelous dreams. Connected, huge connected dreams. Okay, and then we've got one more page and then we will stop.

[66:05]

And this is a nice example of Nanamoli Biku, the arranger of this book, the modesty and skill with which he arranges all this in the voice of narrator one. The Enlightenment itself is described in a number of discourses and from several different angles as though one were to describe a tree from above, from below, and from various sides, or a journey by land, by water, and by air. So, now we're going to have one view of this Enlightenment. First Voice in 23. So we're going to hear the Enlightenment as it ends up in the discovery of the Four Noble Truths. First Voice. Now, when I had eaten solid food and had gained strength, then quite secluded from sensual desires, secluded from unwholesome states, I entered upon

[67:17]

and abode in the first meditation. And now is going to be a description of the Jhanas. Which, if you read Aya Khema's book, I think it's on the list of recommended reading, When the Iron Eagle Flies, I'm not going to talk much about the Jhanas here. But I think that as people accrue years of meditative experience that our whole community is becoming more interested in these old descriptions of meditative states. And of course, the Vipassana community really uses them. They're kind of central core of Vipassana teaching. And in Zen, our attitude is much more, oh, well, if that's an unusual state, just ignore it. And that may be a little on the extreme side.

[68:24]

I think that it's quite lovely to read about these states. Can I ask you one question? Yes. Does kundalini play any part in ballistic... Oh, I'm sure it does. But I've not heard of it. I've not heard that it does. But there are probably Buddhist schools that use it. There are so many Buddhist schools. Anyway, there are these four states that one, the first is involved with... No, I'm not going to... We're a little short in time. So then when he had entered these states, when my concentrated mind was thus purified, bright and unblemished and red of imperfection, when it had become malleable, this is a nice description of a mind at rest, when it had become malleable, wieldy, steady and attained to imperturbability, I directed, I inclined my mind to the knowledge of recollection of past lives.

[69:47]

I recollected my manifold past lives, that is to say, 1 birth, 2, 3, 4, 5 births, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 births, 100 births, 1,000 births, 100,000 births, many ages of world contraction, many ages of world expansion. many ages of world contraction and expansion, I was there, so named, of such a race, with such an appearance, such food, such experience of pleasure and pain, such a life-term. And passing away thence, I reappeared elsewhere, and there too I was so named, of such a race." So on. This was the first true knowledge attained by me in the first watch of the night. Ignorance was banished, and true knowledge arose. Darkness was banished, and light arose, as happens in one who is diligent, ardent, and self-controlled. But I allow no such pleasant feeling as arose in me to gain power over my mind."

[70:53]

So just as before, he allowed no ill feeling as arose in his mind to gain power. So now, no pleasant. So, it arose, but he didn't allow it, he didn't become attached. He didn't become attached to it, exactly. So this was the first true knowledge that was attained by me. There's a difference, this is a quality of the Buddha, this knowing how the past lives were. And the knowledge of a Buddha that absolutely knows. which is different, later we'll come to the Arhats, the great teachers talking about their unshakable confidence in the Dharma, but it's different from Buddha's knowing that only a Buddha can do. So, when my concentrated mind was thus purified, he's gone through all of his births,

[71:59]

I directed, I inclined my mind to the knowledge of the passing away and reappearance of beings. With the divine eye which is purified and surpasses the human, I saw beings passing away and reappearing. I understood how these beings pass on according to their actions. These worthy beings who are ill-conducted in body, speech, and mind, revilers of noble ones, wrong in their views, giving effect to wrong view in their action on the dissolution of the body after death, have reappeared in states of privation, in an unhappy destination, in perdition, even in hell. But these worthy beings who are well conducted in body, speech, and mind, not revilers of the noble ones, right in their views, giving effect to right view in their action on the dissolution of their body after death, have reappeared in a happy destination, even in a heavenly world. Thus, with the divine eye, which is purified and surpasses the human, I saw beings passing away and reappearing,

[73:08]

And I understood how beings pass on according to their actions. And this was the second true knowledge attained by me in the second watch of the night. And when my mind was purified, I directed and inclined my mind to the knowledge of the exhaustion of taints. Yet last week I wrongly said that taints were the hindrances. They're not. They're the asavas, and they are, or they're the corruptions. And there are four of them. Sense desire, the desire for existence, wrong views, and ignorance. So these taints, I directed my mind to the exhaustion of these taints. And I had direct knowledge as it actually is that this is suffering. This is the origin of suffering. This is the cessation of suffering.

[74:12]

And this is the way leading to the cessation of suffering. This is the third true knowledge. Okay, so we'll end there. And these, of course, are the Four Noble Truths. So this is a very, it's a wonderful sequence of events when you think about it, that he has steadied his mind ground, and he has entered a very concentrated state, and he has gone through the whole series of his own past lives, and then the whole series of all the lives that have happened And in this review, he has known how it all happens. He has known the laws of conditions that we are immersed in.

[75:15]

and out of this comes the Four Noble Truths and the other and within the Four Noble Truths is this dependent origination which we'll talk about both these things next week. So I'll stop there. We're a little late. And Rebecca has some slides. We haven't had much time tonight for discussion. Is there anything, does anyone have a question or a comment? Yeah, to study the self is to forget the self.

[76:32]

To forget the self is To study the Buddha is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to drop off body and mind of self and others and to leave no trace. And this no trace continues endlessly. And this is what Darwin was saying? It's wonderful to do these readings in the life of Buddha and then kind of notice how they turned up in Japan. Well, maybe we should continue this discussion. I put this in because you were mentioning the other day about the Born in Lubbini and the pillar being found there that came from King Ahsoka's time.

[77:56]

And this is supposedly one from the 3rd century BC, probably reconstructed and reconstructed, but on the site. Oh, that's at Lubbini? This is not at Lumbini, but it is. But it's the same pillar, or similar? Yeah, he put up many pillars. Some of them were in favor of being kind to animals, apparently, have descriptions. So it's sort of neat with the horse. Well, I mean, there were thousands of them. Yeah, many, many. But wasn't he the first Buddhist king in Lumbini? Well, he was supposedly... Of course, that's probably a Mahayana story. Someone is upset at the bedside watching a person who looks like they're hallucinating. Exactly, they seem to be... It's suffering, and in comes the nurse, and they say, give them more morphine because it looks like they're in pain.

[79:06]

Give the parents the morphine, you know. The parents the morphine. No, but they are getting it. That's the thing. The needle is going in somebody else's blood. No, what I meant was this infant, I mean, this character is brought through beautifully. But, in other words, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure that everything hinges on my consciousness. It doesn't. Well, this is the Zen perspective, you know, that in fact, this is what Eken Roshi It's like, they have these big enlightenment experiences, right? In their school. Well, the rim size school.

[80:08]

You know? Some guys in books. No, actually, no. If you go there, if you go to Hawaii and study with Eken Roshi, they're doing practices that manifest those kinds of experiences. You know, and what he says, you know, you do a practice in a certain way. Well, yeah, you do koans and things happen. You know? Right. But what he was saying, it doesn't Again and again, it does depend on your consciousness, it doesn't depend on your effort. You make an effort, you have an intention, but what he would say is, whatever is going to happen is an accident or it's grace, you know, if you want to put it in those terms. And all you're doing by doing these practices is making yourself accident prone. AJ Foyt on luck. opportunity.

[81:17]

Can I say something about the whole drug thing, though? I mean, in a way, how do we know that you're not witnessing whatever state you're in? You know, everybody's thinking that, okay, they give you drugs and everything's obliterated. You could be witnessing that state. You know, we don't know what people are going through at that moment. They could be watching the whole thing. they could be just as conscious as the next person who's like in some kind of physical agony. You know, and so, I mean, in a way, I think it is a puritanical judgment. You know, we have these ideas about what it is that drugs are doing to people. And maybe they're not doing that at all. You know, it looks foggy to us, because we're on the outside looking in. But, you know, maybe that person can't say, you know, I'm seeing all this and I'm glad that I'm not, you know, feeling, you know, whatever this kind of tearing agony is, you know. I had an aunt that was in, like, excruciating pain for months. I mean, I don't know that she particularly wanted to be, like, absolutely clear while it was happening, you know, in terms of what we thought was clarity.

[82:20]

You know, so I think there is a puritanical thing about it. And who knows what will happen, you know, when it happens to me. I mean, I wanted it all. I didn't want drugs when I gave birth, you know. But I think it's an individual choice, No one wants to, I don't think any of us want to make a judgment for someone else on when they ought to or ought not to take a medication for pain. I don't think the problem here, the question is a big unknown. There's nobody who can get into another person's mental state and say what a medication or drug does. I worry that People are given drugs for perceived pain, which isn't real, and are clouded by the drugs. I worry because I know people who come out of these states who say it was bizarre, it was hallucinatory, and it was drug-induced, and they didn't like it.

[83:27]

So, what happens at the moment of death when... I mean, I don't know what happens at the moment of death. I don't know what happens at the moment of my death, obviously, even more pertinent for me. I have no idea, but I would rather not be forced into some altered state by being administered something from outside, which is very potent. And I think about what people say when they come... For instance, what did Suzuki Roshi say about taking pain medicine for his pain? He said he took it to clean systems. And then he stops taking them. Yeah. You know, I think that point is well taken. Who does know at that moment of death? And who knows that it's a moment? You know, I had a very similar experience. I told him I wasn't conscious but I really wasn't and it seemed like I got very clear.

[84:51]

seemed like there was a long period, I mean, what might have been a few seconds seemed like a long period. I think that's a very similar experience. Uh-huh. So I'm just wondering, I think that point, to me, I've always wondered about that, this thing about drugs and sex, trying to stay very clear up to that point. Who knows what goes on in the consciousness of that person at that I mean, he speaks directly to that, you know, he said you're hit by a car, you know, all you need... You've got plenty of time. Yeah, you have enough time. Maybe. Well, that's what you can do. There's a sentence there, it says, all of this happened in an instant. It's like two or three paragraphs of description of things that went on in his mind, and it says all of this happened in an instant. And then you see other descriptions. On the other hand, when Dolly said last time that somebody had made the statement, spare me a quick death or give me a lingering death so I have time to prepare.

[86:20]

Spare me a quick death. I thought later after that heart attack, what a There's the 17 seconds. And not all cancers are painful. Some cancers are. There's a what? There's 17 seconds in the commuter flight. Oh yeah, right. Thank you very much. Thank you guys. She was talking about 17 seconds of terror on that commuter flight. It was a great question. One conversation at a time. It was interesting though in After he'd gone through his horror and his hell in Ivan Ilitch, there was a point when he was at peace and his fears were dropping off. And to himself, as he was relating to us in the story, he seemed calm and at peace, but to the observer in the room,

[87:25]

What is actually and I've heard stories about people who come back, and they well you talking about your own experiences, too And it looks very different from your perspective versus the observer Well, they were the ones that were flailing around The doctors and nurses got very agitated Experience did you was there a tunnel and No, there was light. There was light and sound. Although I think my sense, and I've read this someplace else recently, they talked about this kind of ringing bell-like sound, but my understanding of that was that had to do with medication that they gave me. But it was allowed. I mean, you hear about the ringing in your ears. This was a real ringing in my ears. And I talked to them about it while it was happening.

[88:35]

But I was not alone. And this is another thing. You know, what they did at the moment, one of the nurses came over And she held my hand for the next hour and a half. And we have an ineradicable bond. Which went through her, the turning of her almost dying of cancer, of breast cancer, less than a year later. And from which she recovered when it looked like she was on her way out. So it's had different turnings. I wonder about being present at someone's death. I've never had that experience with a human. That's an incredible responsibility. Filling out, again, this durable power of attorney form to ask someone to make those decisions.

[89:40]

I have a lot more respect for person who's willing to do that. My God, that's a lot to ask of someone. Getting back to something you said, Wendy, I was struck in that story over and over by all of the awkwardness around death, not just in the house, but when the story begins and you're in the funeral home. And I just wanted to say that it seems to me that one way we can work with fear of death is to spend time with people who are dying, to visit people who are sick, and to sit with people who are dying. I just feel like that's really, really important. And to sit with them dead. And to sit with them dead. To sit with their body. That's very powerful. You know, my friend Ellie died on Thanksgiving Day, and actually she was a colleague, she wasn't a close friend. No one from our school wanted to visit her as she was dying.

[90:44]

And it wasn't that they didn't care about her. They cared about her very much. And, you know, we would send her cards. And she accepted her death wholeheartedly. So she was a real inspiration to be around. And I felt like it was really precious. It was a gift to sit with her as she died. But a lot of people are really afraid about going to funeral homes. And I just think that it's like anything we're afraid of, if we get close to it, then the fear begins to dissipate because we get experience with it. That's right. We had dancing lessons so we haven't had sitting with dead people. But in the story there was all this awkwardness because people didn't know what to say.

[91:44]

We don't have to say anything really. That's the gift of our practice here is that we learn to sit in silence. And often I did sit with my friend Phoebe when she died seven years ago. And she told me that She felt like people always felt like they had to say something to her. Or they felt like she was dying before she had even decided she was dying. But in the framing story, the beginning of the story, which is wonderful and just so, it makes you want to scream. I think the level beneath not knowing what to do is our fear of our own death. And that's what all of his associates, they keep, they're in very heavy denial. And even, they can't look in the coffin, they can't do anything but, it's like, well, I'll go back to my normal, I'll go back to my card games.

[92:50]

And pretend that everything's okay. And it's just gonna go on forever. It's considered unhealthy and depressing, too. to let yourself. But I think that is... Yeah, but I mean, that isn't us. Or, I'll tell you, that isn't me, at least. No, it may not be. Because, I mean, you and I both went to see Susan Greens when she was in a co-op. She was neither dead or alive. It was very funny stuff. It was exactly right. That's exactly right. She was neither dead or alive. It was really weird. I mean, that was like sticking the knife between the co-op, you know. She wasn't wasting away. She wasn't dead, and she It was and strange to hold her hand very something that I have never did that. I never did when she was alive. Yeah Yeah, that's right, but still we have I have the same experience And I went I I asked Mel. I said what is it? You know what is that stage? He didn't say I won't say.

[94:09]

But the only other thing I want to say is all of that awkwardness they felt that you say was their own denial, sure. But the more time we spend with people who are dying, the more we're able to let go of that denial, I think. Because we get close to it and we see that it's I had this feeling when Ellie was dying, I didn't see her the day she died, but I saw her the day before, that sure she was still Ellie, but in a way she wasn't Ellie.

[94:43]

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