back in the U.S.S.A. after a couple of weeks in Germany and had, as usual, a good experience there. Had the privilege of ordaining two people whom you might recall They were here with, there were five from this German Zen group here last, about a year ago. So Friedrika and Harold, whose Dharma names are Chuan and Nanzang, they are now ordained as Soto priests, the beginning of their priest practice, and this is something they have thought was never going to happen. And we had a wonderful time with their sangha up in far northern Germany.

[01:07]

And then I did a study retreat for the Tibet Center in Hamburg where we studied the Paramitas for five days and did a lot of sitting. You know, there's a certain, I really, I enjoy the intensity of going to, going to Germany, working with the Buddhists there. But there's a certain gravity that is perhaps cultural. And so, I gave a talk, I think my last night in Hamburg at the, place in the center of the city, and the title of the talk was The Joy of Defying Gravity. And that goes with a song which I sang here about seven months ago, but I'm gonna sing it again and actually teach it to you so that you can sing it as well.

[02:23]

And I was thinking about it too as I walked in and offered here and saw quite a number of familiar names on the altar with the memorial cards and then this afternoon we're going to have a memorial ceremony for our old friend Howard Margolis, who was certainly capable of defying gravity. He was kind of, he was a wonderful artist and sort of fit the trickster archetype. And so we'll remember him today. So I'm teaching this song, this is written by, I'll just say it's written by Jesse Winchester, who passed away about a year ago, I think, a great songwriter and singer.

[03:30]

And there was an interview with him where he was asked about this song and where it came from. And he says, well, I don't know where songs come from. Apparently, the singer is talking about dying and how he is not afraid of it. He will face it with a smile, which sounds like complete bullshit to me. But you know, we have to take him at his word, I guess. Well, I'll talk about it more, but I think there's an attitude of practice and it's what It's part of what a songwriter does or a writer does, a poet or a novelist or a person. It's like they put forward an idea of how to live, even though they know that it's not completely what they're capable of.

[04:38]

So I think this has to do with our practice, and this is why I think this is a song about practice. And I will say, this was an early Jesse Winchester song, and there's a YouTube video of him singing it about three months before he died. And it appears to me that over time, he and that person who's speaking in the song converged, which is very encouraging. So I'll teach you the words and then I'll sing it once and you'll sing it once and then I'll sing the other two verses and we'll come back to this. I live on a big blue ball. I never do dream I will fall. And even the day that I do, I'll jump off and smile back at you.

[05:46]

So let's just recite that. I live on a big blue ball. I never do dream I will fall. And even the day that I do, I'll jump off and smile back at you. I live on a big blue ball I never do dream I will fall And even the day that I do Well, I'll jump off and smile back at you I live on a big blue ball

[06:57]

I never do dream I will fall. And even the day that I do, I'll jump off and smile back at you. I don't even know where we are. They tell me we're certainly playing a star. Well, I'll take their word, I don't know. I'm dizzy, so maybe that's so. Well, I'm riding a pig's blue ball.

[08:12]

I never thought that one day I'd fall. But even the high must lay low. So when I do fall, I'll be glad to go. Sing the first verse again. I live on a big blue ball. I never did dream I would fall. And even the days that I do, I'll jump off and smile back at you You know even the high must lay low So when I do fall, I'll be glad to go You know, when I first came here to BCC, and this is a long time ago, this is in the 60s, I encountered a lot of very serious people.

[09:41]

They were then young. Now, some of them are still, some of them are actually still now in this room. And they're not as, we are not as young as we were, or, except for Sojin. And me. We're just as young as we ever were. But everybody was very determined to do what was correct, you know, in the Zen spirit, and secretly we were hoping to become enlightened. Even though we began to hear Suzuki Roshi said, well, you may not like I had some resistance to this frame of mind because I had been channeled to succeed at things for most of my life and I didn't want to do something else that, you know, you're going to have to strive for.

[10:49]

But I also, you know, I always wanted to be a good boy. So I sort of fell into that pattern. But I noticed, and this is when I actually returned to Zen, and a lot of those people had had quite a few years of practice already under their belt, I noticed when I came back in the early 80s, that people, there were people I met here, older students who had, they had qualities of lightness and joy. And that was, at that point, that was really attractive to me. Oh, some joy. And I think when you listen to Suzuki Roshi's lectures, which I've been listening to

[11:53]

voice you hear him laughing all the time and then people kind of uh resonantly laughing with him you hear that in in Sojin Roshi's uh talks if you listen to him either you know if you listen to him in these saturday talks uh you know you're laughing a lot you amuse yourself and and us uh And I found that in the teachers that I really responded to in the world, that's what I saw. You see this in His Holiness the Dalai Lama. There's joy and lightness even in the midst of the responsibilities and burdens that he carries. There's a teacher that I really loved who's passed on the late Cambodian teacher, Mahagosananda, who, whenever you're around me, seemed like he was floating about an inch and a half off the floor.

[13:09]

And he took such great joy. Lori and I, we once went with him to a restaurant in San Francisco to talk about very serious things. And he was a monk, so he wasn't able to eat food. afternoon, but he could eat milk products. And so they brought him a big bowl of ice cream, and he lit up like a thousand watt bulb and set this in front of him. So I found that when I was around teachers like this, there was a contagious feel. That's the feeling that you get around Horitsu Suzuki. And I'm also remembering the first time I encountered Kopanchino Roshi. He was at Tassajara. I think he was there to help with the first Dharma transmissions that you and Rev were doing.

[14:13]

And he gave lectures. And I remember walking out of the lecture feeling like, wow, where? am I, what is this space I'm in? And Rem Anderson was out in the yard, and so I was next to him and we were talking, and I said, what is this? And he just turned to me and said, Dharma joy. And I noticed that. And I noticed, oh, I could catch some of that. But I still thought that in order to live it, you had to be born that way. And it was quite clear that I wasn't born that way, even though

[15:15]

I had a motto that I carried around myself, which I tried to tell myself. Always happy, never anxious. Always happy, never anxious. Which was actually, for those of you who know me, that's, you know. It's kind of not the way it is. But over the years, Um, I find this side growing and I, I laugh more. Uh, I'm able to be, uh, when, when they're not hurtful to others, uh, I'm able to be amused by my mistakes and my inabilities without kind of hunkering down and judgment on them too much. And that's a great relief.

[16:18]

And I take it to be an unintended or quasi-unintended, semi-intended fruit of practice, which I never quite expected that to happen. But I think that's something that can happen to us and I offer it as a kind of encouragement for you. And I think it's also, it's a critical part of our practice. You know, we learn the four noble truths and the first noble truth is what's called the truth of suffering. And it says more or less, depending on which translation or which part of the Buddhist commentary you're looking at, this life is marked by suffering.

[17:32]

Or by a kind of pervasive anxiety or uneasiness. And we're also taught in the traditional teachings that there are three marks of existence. Impermanence, non-self and dukkha. Dukkha is what we translate as suffering. But in As Mahayana Buddhism developed, you see a different interpretation or a different set of marks. One of them is different, the third. So you still, existence is still marked by impermanence. It's still marked by non-self or not fixed self. But instead of dukkha, the third mark is presented as nirvana.

[18:45]

And that's an interesting thing to consider. What is the shift in perception, or the shift in doctrine, if you will, whatever it is, that accounts for that change? And I think what it means to me is those first two marks are kind of like laws of the universe. They're like gravity. Things are impermanent. We are born, we get older, we die. Everything falls apart. And also, things come together. Things have to come together for things to be born. So things are constantly arising and falling away. And things are also, everything, including ourself, is composed of

[19:58]

it's a construct of other elements of the universe, including consciousness. So your attitude about that, I think, is what determines whether you see that, whether you are falling into suffering or you're living in nirvana. If you think impermanence and non-self Oh, that's really a bad idea. I wish I could get away from that. I would like things to be permanent and I want to know who I am for sure. If that's kind of the place that you come down, then actually you're going to suffer. But if you think that If you look at the universe and you look at oneself as in transition, flowing like a river, or coming and going like waves on the sea, and you accept that, then there's no problem.

[21:17]

Then you're living in nirvana. Then you're released from your attachment to wanting things to be different from how they are. And I think this is what Thich Nhat Hanh is getting at when he talks about, when he says, suffering is not enough. It's a wonderful expression, suffering is not enough. Our life is not just suffering, obviously. If it were just suffering, we would all go out and commit mass suicide. Of course, one could make an argument that that's exactly what we're doing as a so-called civilization, but not everybody all the time. We want to be free. And we appreciate the joy that we experience. Dogen talks about this in this mind of joy.

[22:23]

Sojin Roshi was teaching from Tenzo Kyokan, Instructions to the Book, last week I think. He touched on these three minds, joyous mind, parental mind, and magnanimous mind. They're variously translated. they're quite related. But joyous mind is the first of these. Suzuki Roshi talks about this in one of his Sesshin lectures. And he begins his discussion of this joyous mind with a really interesting story. It's, I think, a story from his young life, from his life as a younger person in Inaizu, where his temple Rinzouen is. And Yaizu is, I think it's one of the two busiest fishing ports in Japan.

[23:31]

There's fish everywhere. And so he says, in Japan, there are many fishermen and fish stores. And besides these fish stores, we have people carrying and selling fish. Fish should always be fresh. So these people run down the street with a big flag and they are always full of joy. You can just picture that. Somebody, I don't know how they were carrying the fish, maybe in a sack, but fishmongers, right? They look very happy. And he says, if they are not happy, the fish will look old. Nobody wants old fish or guests who stay too long. The fish is more fresh if they carry it with joy.

[24:34]

It looks like fresh. When fish become old, their eyes turn from blue to white. You've seen that, right? Maybe you've seen it. He said, so even though they carry white-eyed fish, if they carry it with joy, the fish look very fresh. So, you could call that a kind of commercial deception, if you like, but it's like how Joy communicates itself to us. So Suzuki Roshi then says, joyful mind is the mind that rejoices, cooking pure meals in this lifetime. This is a life of rejoicing and a body of rejoicing. It is a wholesome cause from limitless eons.

[25:39]

It is merit that does not erode. And he goes on, this is Suzuki Roshi, he says, I hope you will do your work and cook the meal this very day, at this very moment, with this body, the fruit of myriad births and a thousand lifetimes, thereby creating merit for myriad beings, to penetrate this He continues, the joyful mind is the volitional aspect of Zen mind. And here is where it moves over into what we take on. A person of joyful mind is contented with his or her lot. Even in adversity he will see a bright light and never grumble or complain. he finds some of Buddha's grace in difficult circumstances.

[26:46]

He feels pleasure even in painful conditions and always rejoices. In this way, one can experience the spiritual joy and realize that the world of birth and death is the world of nirvana. So it's not the world of Dukkha. Just by that flip of perception, it's nirvana. So how does this happen? To go back to Dogon, to go to Fu-Kun-Zazen-Gi, there's this passage that used to puzzle me. I'm sure you all know it. He says, the zazen I speak of is not learning meditation. It is simply the dharmagate of repose and bliss, the practice of totally culminated enlightenment.

[27:51]

The dharmagate of repose and bliss. Well, this is not what I experienced in my first years of Zen practice. I don't know how many of you have. Repose and bliss, it's like, what about my legs? What about my restless mind? What about the fact that we had to get up very early? It just was not my idea of repose and bliss. But there was something, I think to go back to what I was saying at the beginning, something about the people that I saw around me that supported a sense of faith that I had in the practice.

[28:54]

So even though I wasn't experiencing it in ways that I could see, I just kind of persisted. And one day I noticed that a variety of these physical and mental difficulties that I had in the practice of zazen were just not there. I felt at ease in my posture and breathing and just in sitting. This was not some enlightenment experience, or at least I wouldn't characterize it as that. But it was a lightening experience, a letting go into an open place, a physically open place and a mentally open place.

[30:01]

And I found, I'd heard the instruction, tazen instruction, hundreds of times and had even given it many times. Uh, you know, the instructions are to, to be upright, lift yourself, lift your sternum, lift yourself in the middle of your body, extend yourself. And, uh, I couldn't do it. And then one day I could. And, uh, Some of this connects in my mind with what Suzuki said. Suzuki Roshi said about renunciation, that it's not giving up the things of the world, but accepting that they go away. And actually thinking that renunciation, you know, it's like the things of the world, until that time when I had that lightning, the things of the world were, they were heavy and they still have a weight.

[31:10]

We still, we don't pretend that they're not there, but can one be light in the middle of that? Accepting that they go away, you know, and actually, enjoying when they go away. It's really like that moment, you know, at night, you're lying in bed, and the humming refrigerator motor clicks off. And you're just in that moment. It's not that it was a problem, but when that motor clicks off, and they're all kinds of, that's both literal and metaphorical, you feel lightened. So I think that this is a fruit of practice.

[32:19]

As I said, not quite an unintended consequence, Because we do, while we may not have our practices not goal-oriented, we have an intention. And it's to live with a kind of freedom and to live that way for the sake of all beings. Because the freedom and the joy that one experiences oneself and manifests subtly or not communicates to other people. If it's not there, you cannot guarantee that it will communicate to them, but if it's not there, it will not communicate to them. If you're not manifesting it, they're not going to get it from you. They may get it from someone else. But if you are, something mysterious can happen between or among us.

[33:30]

So, as I get older, I am learning to appreciate and try to enjoy difficulties or problems or illness. I remember, you know, when I was a kid, from time to time I would get sick and it was very enjoyable because I got to stay in my parents' bed and I got to watch television all day. And my mother or someone would come and take care of me and bring me food. And it was like total time out from the rhythm of school or other responsibilities. And then when we get older, usually we, I lost that.

[34:39]

It's like, but nobody was taking care of me. And can I learn to take care of myself? And so to just lie back, accept the circumstance that I'm in, and continue to practice with awareness, with uprightness. And I think that In the zendo, that is what we're doing. And we carry it forth as we're riding on that big blue ball. And as we get older, we realize we're going to fall and the high will go low.

[35:39]

So we're practicing we're simultaneously practicing to be completely alive, and we're also practicing for that time, you know, looking at the names on here, when we're going to move from this particular world to the great mystery beyond, or within, or wherever it is, it's a mystery. You know, can we accept that, can we meet what we're experiencing without clenching, but with some attitude of curiosity and wonder. I heard, went to a panel discussion at Institute of Buddhist Studies last night and our friend Taigen Layton who's going to be lecturing here on the 28th of March was one of the panelists and you know he was talking about Dogon, he was talking about our practice and I just found myself thinking

[37:14]

Yes, you know, he was talking about beyond thinking. You know, he was giving the instruction, Yao Shan's instruction that Dogen gives in Fukan Zazen, you know, the instruction, what do you do in Zazen? Think not thinking. And how do you think not thinking? Non-thinking. but he translated as beyond thinking. So just sort of coursing in the flow of mind, the flow of practice, and using that to learn how to harmoniously do that in the flow of life. That's complete living. And that's complete living in harmony with beings. So I think that's where I'm going to end.

[38:17]

And we have some time for questions, discussion. Maybe we'll sing that song one more time at the end. So if you have anything to share, please. Yes, Jake. In talking about the fishmongers, I was taken to Seattle and Pike's Market. Fish are flung and they are flying fish. And I noticed the people who work there always have a smile on their face. And it struck me that some of the most joyous people that I've encountered have been non-Zen practitioners. Well, I think that's what I was saying at the beginning, you know, it's like, you've got all these people who, you know, this is where I was at when I came, it's like, okay, you know, it's like, I gotta do something.

[39:25]

And maybe if I do this right, I'll, you know, be able to get out of this box that I feel myself in. And the conundrum is actually, yes, that's exactly what you have to do until the box falls apart. Until you really get tired of holding up the walls. So I don't think it's anything to do with Zen. This is just our way. This is just what the people in this room have foolishly chosen to do, because we don't know any better. Otherwise, we'd be running down the street with a flag. That would work, too. Yes, Linda? I was thinking earlier in your talk, well, me too. I've gotten lighter and more joyful. I wanted to let you know that. That's true.

[40:30]

I've been noticing that. But one of the things you said from the old teachings sounded a little grim, zany to me. I wanted to highlight it, you know, about no complaining, no grumbling. Remember that? Yeah. And I was thinking that's something in my Jewish DNA rebels against that. You know, complaining and grumbling is my birthright. I mean, I'm just making a joke, but actually, there may be a way to do that that's also liberation, liberating. And you just used the metaphor of walls, and I don't know if I should do this, but there's a really short favorite Indian folktale about walls. Should I just say it? Yeah. Okay. It's called Tell it to the Walls in the book where I read it. poor Indian wife who's off in the village of her in-laws and she's being treated miserably and she's so miserable and she has nobody she can tell her troubles to and she's getting heavier and heavier and more miserable and more miserable.

[41:39]

And one day she just goes into the woods and she finds an old abandoned falling apart house and she just decides to tell it there all of her troubles and she tells it to one wall part of her troubles and that wall just falls down and she gets lighter she loses some weight right there. And she does the second and the third and the fourth wall, and all the walls come down, and she goes home feeling good, and she's lost a lot of weight. Well, that's a new diet regimen. But I think, you know, we have our nature. whether it's cultural or personal or psychological, and Suzuki Roshi had a fair number of Jewish students, and also all people who complain are not Jewish. But he was... He was speaking to you.

[42:51]

He said, OK. He was challenging you. So you can think about this. I think about it. It's like, yeah, I have the same, there's the same part of me that says, well, yeah, this sounds good, but. But if our teachers keep asking us these questions, whether we agree or disagree, that's fine. But to let them dance, let the question dance with our habitual mind is a good thing. Yeah. But I acknowledge that when Linda acknowledged that she complains, the whole room lightened about suffering, turn it into humor, and even the word Jewish made everybody laugh.

[43:54]

So people, she lightened the room by acknowledging, I don't feel that way. Which I think is important to note. Yeah, I mean, I did an interview a few years ago with a reporter from the LA Times, who, this is about five years ago, who discovered that there were a lot of Jews who were practicing Buddhism. And this ended up, it was in the front page of the LA Times. It's like, big discovery, you know. But he asked me, and I think of this in terms of the music that I play as well, which has roots in pain. And it's also very joyous. He asked me, well, why do you think there's so many Jews? And I said, well, there's lots of people in this. But, you know, I think people come to Buddhism because the Buddhists that I teach about suffering and the end of suffering. That sounds good.

[44:56]

You know, it's like, you know, sounds good. I'll try it. You know, I'll try anything. You know, as long as I don't have to go to the synagogue, you know. But isn't there a way that by talking about the plane, it's like you're saying suffering changes Nirvana at that moment. Right. In the room and that's... Everybody was smiling, everybody lightened up. Right, right. Because they felt a commonality. Because she did it, Linda did this in a light way. And that's exactly, and that lightness, and that's a fruit of her practice. I hope. But, and that's what communicates to us. Maybe time for one more, Sue. Well, I kind of connect to something else you said earlier, which I just love the quotation about, well, apparently this singer isn't afraid of death, and I think that's bullshit.

[46:01]

I experience that so much, and I appreciate that. me that isn't afraid of dying, and then gradually thinking, well, it's not really that I'm just a total fraud and a total hypocrite, even though this other big part of me still is scared, but that there is some rapprochement that happens, and it goes along with kind of accepting or admitting the fear, the negativity, and making you can make jokes out of it, or even if you're not Jewish, you can make jokes about being, about complaining and whining and stuff. So to bring together the two sides and not have it be so dualistic, that's an ongoing process for me, and I'd really like to highlight that in the way the psalm helps with that.

[47:05]

I think that the question for me is, if we own that everything we experience is a mental construction, You know, that's not bad. That's just the way it is. You know, and so I am intimate with fear and anxiety, and I am not done with it, and I don't expect ever to be categorically done with it. But I also know that the direct experience of a circumstance is different than my imagining of it in the future. And what we're doing in Zazen is moment by moment direct experience. It's not about past or future, even though we may have memories or plans, but we are experiencing it in that immediate reality.

[48:10]

And it's It opens a door to another space. Fulani had something. That's me last. Well, my father taught me the blues was a really sad thing which came about from slavery. And jazz came about from that, from the blues. And they took that blues chords and swung it. And they'd run from Sweet Cherry O, all these sad songs, to Lux and just take you up to the atmosphere. And that's why here in America, I mean, it's right here, every day. Right. Right, thank you. I mean, that was my training in music, and those were the musics that I played, and my training in music was my preparation for coming here. I live on a big blue wall.

[49:15]

I never do dream I will fall. And even the day that I do, I'll jump off and Thank you very much.

[49:40]

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