I'd love to taste you, but it's hard to tell the difference. Are the windows really opening up? No. uh so so

[01:42]

That was nice of him. Thanks, Joe. I think I choked on one of those little green things. Not choked, but... What were they called? Keepers. Keepers. I got one, and it burned a little hole in my throat because it fell out. Well... Um... It's always encouraging, you know, in Sachine to talk about the ideal of practice. Sachine's light is the ideal of practice.

[03:15]

We put ourselves in a position to practice in the most ultimate way. But And so we set a standard. We set this very high standard and insist on it and stress it. But somehow, you know, we always fall short of the standard. We never, somehow we never quite, our intention never quite meets the actuality of what we do, never quite meets the intention. So we always have this kind of problem.

[04:16]

So it looks like everyone should practice like perfect soldiers, do or die. But actually, each one of us has some problem, some weakness, or some inability, something. And we find ourselves just where we are, just as we are. This is just as I am. This is the way I am. We don't like to accept, always, that position. But when we look at what we've done, you know, if you look back on your life, you say, this is what I wanted to do, and this is what I did. And when we look back on Sashin, we say, this is what I wanted to do, and this is what I did.

[05:30]

So our life is kind of a balance between the ideal and the actual. Without the ideal, we don't have any standard or anything to lead us. If we only have the ideal, then we can't see our life, or appreciate our life as it actually is. So, usually we fall into one side or the other. Either we have a very strong ideal, and since we can't meet the ideal perfectly, we feel somewhat like a failure.

[06:33]

And on the other hand, if we only are concerned with the actual and don't have some ideal, we just fall into whatever situation presents itself and kind of end up in a puddle without incentive. We're always, our life is in tension between these two sides, the ideal and the actual. So, during Seshin, we always stress the ideal. So you always feel the pressure of that ideal. But we don't, actually, we don't expect you to be perfect. We expect you to express yourself to the utmost of your ability.

[07:44]

But if we start looking for perfection, then we start criticizing ourselves, and criticizing each other, and competing with each other, and using Zazen as a kind of standard for who's good and who's bad, who's right and who's wrong. If our zazen, if our practice falls into that kind of way, we lose everything. So, we begin to see against this standard, this ideal standard, we begin to see our actual personality really stands out. We can really see ourself as we are. And the purpose of this practice is to reveal to ourselves who we actually are, what we are, what and who we are.

[09:29]

It's not practice to see who is the most perfect. So one person can sit all the way through sasheen without moving perfectly. Someone else can't sit one period without uncrossing their legs. If we use that as a, if we have some ideal, and we use that as a standard to judge people by, that would be terrible. So there's no way to judge someone's practice. Practice is for you to know who you are. The other night, I read Bendoa.

[10:39]

And at the end of Bendoa, yeah, at the end of Bendoa, Dogen says, not all the Buddhas in the whole universe that ever existed combined can fathom one person's zazen for one period. If that's so, how can we judge someone's effort or someone's zazen? It's not possible. So, we must be very, very careful in how we approach each other, how we treat each other, and how we see each other's practice.

[11:47]

Our particular practice, lay practice, is extended, our activity, our practice is extended in many, many different directions. And our lives cover many dimensions. And it's almost impossible to look at each person's life so closely. You can only look at your own life closely. to know what you're doing, and to know the quality of your life, the sincerity and quality of your life. What each person brings to Sashi is some quality, some sincerity,

[12:49]

and just the reality of who you are. So we try to set up a certain way so that everyone can join. And we have certain standards. And we try very hard to meet those standards. Some people have to go to work during Sashi. And some people have to take care of family business during Sashi. And some people have to take care of various obligations. So, it looks like, you know, where is the standard?

[14:03]

What's happening here? Why isn't everybody doing the same thing? Sashin actually reflects our daily practice. Sesshin is a reflection of our daily practice. How we practice day by day is the same way we practice Sesshin, pretty much. And it should be that way. It has to be that way. My own life, you know, is always changing. Your life, every one of our lives is always changing. And what you see as my life at this point may not be the same next year or next week or tomorrow.

[15:13]

So while we have the opportunity, we come together and it's wonderful that we can do it. My life is becoming more like not layperson's life, a little bit. You can't say what it is. I can't say what it is. Priest's life, it's not a monk's life. Priest's life, layperson's life. Just with a new baby, you know, sometimes people say, Now your life is going to change a lot now.

[16:25]

Now that you have a baby, your life is really going to change. But I don't feel my life is going to change. I don't feel that... I don't know what people mean by change. Everything is changing. But I don't think that my life basically is changing. Some of the circumstances in my life are changing. But I don't think that basically my life is changing. My ideal of life with a child is something like Charlie Chaplin. Did you ever see the movie The Kid? Charlie Chaplin's movie, The Kid. You know that movie?

[17:26]

Well, Charlie Chaplin, he has this bum, and he's walking down an alley. Just before the show's a walking down the alley, there's this frantic young woman with a baby, and she looks this way and that way. She opens the garbage can lid, puts the baby in the garbage can, puts the lid on. Charlie Chaplin walks by, and he hears these little cries, you know. looks around and opens the garbage can and there's this baby inside. So he picks up the baby and, oh, baby, how nice. So he takes the baby home and he and the baby kind of grew up together. He said, well, what can I do? So after the baby gets to be about eight years old, it shows them walking down the street, and they've got this business.

[18:36]

They're in business together. Charlie Chaplin has this plate, it's a kind of frame that holds plate glass windows, and he has it strapped to his back. He and the kid walk down the street, and then they look this way, and then they look that way. And then the kid takes a rock, and he throws it through somebody's window. And then the kid splits, and this lady comes out and she says, who did this to my window? And then Charlie Chapman comes walking along. She said, somebody told us. I said, oh, I can fix your window. So they had this business. And they really operate well together. And very intimate. So that's kind of my ideal, how to bring up a kid.

[19:37]

Not too much trouble. What do you do? He does. I hope that works. At this point, the most enjoyable thing is changing the diapers. I know a lot of people here have had that experience. But that's really, at this point, it's the most enjoyable part of having a kid. Because, you know, at a month old, a baby is, you know, kind of blah. They don't, they're not reaching out so much, except for crying, and they want something to eat, and they want to play a little bit. They want to sleep, and they want to poop.

[20:49]

So pooping is a big experience. But because we don't want it to get over everything, you put the diapers on. And the baby kind of feels uncomfortable. He's always wet. So he says, change me, will you? So change the baby. Take the diapers off. And he's so grateful. So it's a way of relating. The best way to either relate through feeding, which I can't do, except through Mo. We don't feed him that way very often. So you relate to him through changing the diapers and cleaning up their behind, you know. It's just this kind of yellow smudge. Since I have a cold, I can't smell it anyway. It doesn't really smell. It's very pleasant. It's kind of a wonderful way of relating. He enjoys it.

[21:52]

Sometimes he pees on his head. And then the great reward is a smile. The great reward is a smile. A big smile. A whole new dimension of what is in a smile. So, so far I don't feel Oppressed, particularly, or oppressed. Whatever I do is just very enjoyable. Carrying around is enjoyable. I don't know. I always had dogs when I was a kid.

[22:53]

It's kind of the same feeling. People say, children are not like dogs. But they are, actually. They're my wonderful companions, you know. And you get a kind of intuitive thing going. And the dog just picks up on you and you pick up on the dog. You don't have to have too much. If you really have good feeling for each other, you can go a long way. So it's true, my life is changing, but it's not basically not changing. I don't see, just like having another student around, pay a little more attention. But of course, Liz takes care of me most of the time.

[24:05]

It's a big, big thing for her. But it makes me more sympathetic with everybody. I feel much more sympathetic toward everybody for some reason. Having taken care of, I don't know why exactly, but just having this makes me feel more connected with everybody and more sympathetic with everybody's position. especially other people with children. When you have children, you suddenly enter a realm where people with children that you weren't connected with before. It's like a club. It's like a club. And right now, 1981 was a boom year for Zen children. At Zen Center, there are at least five or six.

[25:13]

And here, there's at least three or more. They keep coming out of the woodwork, so to speak. So it's going to be interesting to see how all these children grow up. It's kind of a new thing. But it's a wonderful practice, I think, for everybody. After all, you know, lay practice should include children, somehow. I don't know how. I guess the same way we do everything, just do what you need to do.

[26:21]

Find out what you need to do and do it. So there's no hindrance to practice. So far, in my experience, I've never found there was ever any anything that was a hindrance to practice.

[27:24]

Whatever we need to do, we just do that thing. And that becomes our practice. So if practices, if children come along, children are practice. That's all there is to it. Nothing changes, just the circumstances change. So, if there are no children, that's wonderful. If there are children, that's wonderful. It doesn't make any difference. I don't think you should all have children. Just whatever the circumstances are, we take care of them. I was asked to announce, it's not a different subject, it's just a little departure from the subject that I'm talking about, but it's connected.

[28:56]

To say that this is about the servers during Sashin, I want to come back to Sashin. During Sashin, we have a lot of new servers. Sometimes, you know, the server's not serving the way we want them to, or not doing the right thing, so we say, look, you know, I do it all the time. But the server gets, by the time the server gets all the way around, you know, it's going to be flat. So, best not to say anything. If you can. If you can, just don't say anything. Just... Okay. That's good, actually.

[30:01]

You know, we get to a point where we're very critical. And we want everything to come out just right. We want to stress the ideal. If we start to stress the ideal too much, then we start getting uptight and we can't stand any mistake. We can't stand anything that goes wrong. And so we have to be very, very careful to On the one hand, to try and do everything the best we can, and on the other hand, not to criticize. It's really hard. Real hard. Because your tendency is to go toward criticism. You know? Tendency, when we want to make things ideal, is to go toward criticism. Pretty soon we just can't stand the way anybody's doing anything. And if we say, so what?

[31:05]

Just so what? That's going the other way. We don't have any standards. We just throw out all our standards. So somewhere we have to find this balance between doing our best and accepting the shortcomings of everyone. I want to say, you know, Even though we expect everyone to keep their commitment, and even though, excuse me, we want to have everything run perfectly, sometimes people have problems.

[32:23]

And we have to take into consideration the problems that people have where they can't do, they can't keep their commitment completely. Sometimes physical problems, something like that. So if you have that kind of problem, you should say something. You should say, I have asthma and I can't. go for all the periods or something like that. Or, I can't eat this kind of food. Something like that. If it's a real problem, a real physical problem, a real mental problem, then you should say something so that when you leave for any reason, somebody knows why you're leaving. Otherwise, everybody thinks you're not keeping your commitment. So everybody says, get up tight. I'm keeping a commitment. But you can't help it, you know, because we have a very high expectation.

[33:36]

And Zazen builds a lot of... Sishing builds a lot of attention. And you expect something. You really expect something from what people say. So you should make yourself clear. Let your problems be known to somebody. And you just practice within the limitations of your problems. See, the problem with that, there's a problem with that. The problem with that is that people will start to say, oh, well, you know, last week I had, my elbow was hurting.

[34:41]

So you should be careful with yourself to be sincere. If you're sincere, okay, don't dream up something to make it easy for yourself. But we always make allowance for people's problems, you know. But you should make it clear. That's part of your own sincerity. So, the main ingredient in practice in Sishing is sincerity and effort and cooperation. And you eliminate most of the obstacles.

[36:05]

Would you like to discuss? If someone does criticize you or points something out that you might be doing wrong, and you're not certain whether what they say is true or maybe what they say conflicts with something somebody else told you, what do you do with that? Well, it depends, you know, on the situation.

[37:07]

If you start... Not just in terms of getting it straight. Most of the things around serving or eating are just fine points. I see. In that area. I see. I don't know. Well, you should go by what the head server says. The head server doesn't always know what's right, but you should go by what he says. Anyway, that's right for you. And then, I'm not saying that the head server is ignorant, but sometimes the head server isn't always up on exactly all intricacies. I would say, just go ahead and do it. And then if you're wrong, just allow yourself to be turned around. If you set up an opposition, then you start getting confused.

[38:19]

But if you let yourself be turned around, then even though something may not be right, you're going with what's not right. But it's okay. It's like, going with the wind, you know. If the wind goes this way, you go that way. If the wind goes this way, you go that way. If you start to get defensive, then you take all these bullets in, you know. You get riddled because you put yourself up as a target. Wait a minute. Oh. yourself up. Just, you know, allow yourself to be pushed around a little bit. That's important. Without resenting.

[39:22]

Sometimes when you're serving The mistakes you make are very clear for the head server to see and know about. But I'm thinking, for instance, one time somebody just whispered to me that I shouldn't let the hot water kettle touch the moon hole. And that's something I never would have known if I hadn't been told. And it isn't something the head server would have seen. And I really appreciated it. Sometimes. But I never miss a chance to tell the server something when it comes to me. But it's difficult. I know I would get rattled if everybody were telling me all the way down the line everything that was going wrong. But sometimes... It's awful. I'm glad you shared that. I didn't know that. Me neither. I couldn't make a saying. I think the problem, I think that John Cahan is, I guess what we've all kind of experienced, is being told the wrong thing by... Trying to dictate things to new people.

[40:38]

Yeah, and I think if people would If I served you, or if I served Ron, or Dad, or someone that I know, or Patti, someone that I know that really knows. Then I really did something, obviously I pick up the bootiful, or something like that. I really want to be told that. But often times, it's someone like myself. People come in going, I think they really know what you're saying, and they're really trying to help. but they give you wrong information. So perhaps if people would just go to the head server and leave it up to the head server to tell us that, maybe it doesn't want to know. Yeah, that's a good idea. If you see somebody doing something, serving, just kind of hold it in, you know, and then go up to the head server later and say,

[41:40]

I'm making it sound funny, but actually it's true. You should do that. That's the proper procedure. It's a little easier to go to that person who's here in the Zen Dojo, who's leading the meal. And that person always talks with the head service. So, it's just easier to approach the person in the Zen Dojo than it is to approach... We're talking now during Sashin. Yeah, I see. So, if Rod is leading the chant, He's leading the meal, and if you have a question about something that happened during the meal, just go to Ron. Ron always goes and talks to Ron, or whoever's leading. The champ always goes and talks. I think part of the problem we run into is that the meal has been, it's evolved and things have changed and even among the oldest students we don't all know all the things.

[42:46]

So a lot of times we either do them wrong or we consult or we ask. person because you get contradictory information. I was remembering when I used to do, when I was in the manager and I used to do meal instruction and on Saturday mornings I would at the end of breakfast say what we'd done wrong. One morning, there were a whole bunch of things that I'd said over and over again, and I was going to just lay them all out. And I had them all stored up. And I was a dolan. So the meal chanter clapped the clappers, but I had so many things to say that I forgot to ring the bell. Maybe some people remember. Everyone was in total confusion. Because, you know, that's the cue to end.

[43:49]

So I told everyone all the things anyway, but I think it would have been better to keep them to myself. One thing I've gotten the feeling of during this particular session is kind of

[44:08]

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