Good morning. Well, this morning I'm going to take up the subject of feelings. Observing the feelings in the feelings. I'll just read you a little bit of

[01:06]

Not Han's comment. He says, the seventh and eighth breathing methods aim at the observation of the feelings. All feelings, agreeable and disagreeable. Feelings of irritation, anger, anxiety, weariness, and boredom are disagreeable ones. Whatever feeling is present, the meditation student identifies it, recognizes that it is there, and lights up the sun of his or her awareness in order to illuminate That is the work of observation. For example, if we are irritated, we must know, this irritation is in me. I am this irritation. And we breathe in and out in that awareness. This is the fourth day, middle of Tsu Shing, midpoint of Tsu Shing already.

[02:25]

For some it's come very quickly, and for others it's come very slowly. I don't want to say it's downhill all the way, the rest of the way, The way that we approach Sachine from the beginning determines how it will be in the middle and how it will be at the end. So we all have difficulty. I have my aches and pains and you have yours. And some are the same and some are different. But our approach to zazen is the same. So we're dealing with two factors.

[03:34]

We're dealing with a lot of factors, but narrowing it down to the realm of feelings, we're dealing with two factors. One is our intention and the other is our feelings. Our intention is like our vow or our will. Will is the motivating factor of intention, of our desire to do something. Emotion is the motivating factor of feelings. E-motion means just that, motion, putting feelings into motion, expressing a feeling as a movement.

[04:40]

E means coming out of. Coming out of feeling into motion is an e-motion. expressing the feeling in some concrete way. So during zazen, many feelings and emotions arise. And when feelings arise, they can be good feelings or pleasant feelings, usually they categorize as pleasant feelings, unpleasant feelings, and neutral feelings. Unpleasant feelings are the ones that disturb us. Pleasant feelings are the ones that we covet. And neutral feelings are just feelings that don't belong either to, are beyond our judgment.

[05:42]

And the neutral feelings actually belong to the pleasant side rather than to the unpleasant side. So if you have a neutral feeling, you don't feel irritated by it. And neutral feeling can be a kind of relief from good feelings, or from pleasant feelings and unpleasant feelings. During Sashin, having neutral feelings is pretty good. You don't have to fall into grasping or rejecting. So when good feelings arise, our tendency is to hold on to them. And when unpleasant feelings arise, our tendency is to resist them. So our life actually, I said yesterday that gravity and spirit were the two vertical forces in our life that we're continually dealing with.

[07:04]

And in the same way, grasping and rejecting are the two horizontal forces which we're continuously dealing with. We want something good and we don't want something bad. We want something we like and we don't want something we don't like. So we're continually picking and choosing. And then when we put ourselves into Sashin, picking and choosing mind is still at work. residual mind of picking and choosing on the basis of grasping and rejecting is still at work until it meets itself and sees what kind of problems it causes, are caused by this attitude. So when I said

[08:07]

that the way we begin sasheen determines how it is in the middle and how it is at the end, I meant if we can suspend this kind of judgment from the beginning, then sasheen becomes less difficult. So, sasheen gets harder And at the same time, more easier. Two aspects happening at the same time. On one level, it gets harder because the more you sit, the more painful your legs are, and your back, and so forth, and your boredom. But on the other hand, the less judgmental you are, the easier it is for the mind to open. And the longer we sit, the more open the mind becomes to accept whatever is happening, not clinging and not rejecting.

[09:17]

And so in that sense, if the mind really opens up, then it becomes easier. But if the mind doesn't open up, then it becomes more difficult. You're only on this one level. So in order to have a comfortable feeling, as Dogen says, this is the comfortable way, that's a big koan. In order to have a comfortable feeling, it depends on how open the mind is and how we can suspend judgment. and accept whatever is present on each moment. So...

[10:29]

Around the fourth day, middle of sushin, we're deep into our activity. And there's nothing else to do. It's like the world of activity retreats further and further in the past. But we still have something to look forward to. There's still traces of something to look forward to, which actually creates a problem. As it becomes more difficult, we look for avenues of escape. The mind looks for ways out. I wonder what it's like in Florida. Gee, if only I could finish that project, you know, and then the mind keeps working on this.

[11:53]

My mind works on my project, too. I sit down and I think, let's see, how should I finish this thing? Or, you know, should I plane this and should I nail that? And this little project keeps going and it keeps me distracted. But, you know, everyone has something, some little project that keeps our mind working on, you know, one day this will all be over. But the best way to be comfortable is to not look forward to anything. Don't look forward to anything. There's nothing but Sashin. You were born when Sashin started, and the length of your life is between the beginning of Sashin and the end.

[13:01]

That's one whole lifetime. And right here is where you should live your life. As soon as Sashin's over, I will be in heaven, because we'll have a day off. Heaven does exist. Heaven and hell. If you think that heaven will appear the day after Zazen, then this becomes hell. So we create our own heaven and hell. And it's right here, right now. So no matter how much we want to escape, we have to stay here and just be present and deal with each moment as it arises. Suzuki Roshi would say, Zen practice is just living your life little by little, moment by moment, one moment at a time.

[14:11]

Just living your life, little by little, one moment at a time. That's enlightened practice. You know, we arrive at Tassajara, or we come to Zen Center, and we say, well, where's the enlightenment? And if you ask me, where's the enlightenment? I'll say, well, what are you willing to give up? People may think, well, enlightenment is the highest thing, the most valuable thing. We want the most valuable thing, but we're not willing to pay the price.

[15:20]

If you want a big diamond, what are you willing to pay for it? So if you want the most valuable thing, well, money won't buy it. And your pockets are empty. Actually, your pockets are full. Problem is, the only way you can pay for it is to empty your pockets. So anyway, if you want the most valuable thing, you have to pay the highest price. Nothing's free. Everything is free, but it all has to be paid for. Actually, the world belongs to us, you know.

[16:22]

Everything is already ours. But when I go into the grocery store, I still have to pay for the bread. So everything is ours and at the same time nothing belongs to us. So when we sit in zazen, sasheen, all these feelings come up. Pleasant feelings, unpleasant feelings, feelings of why am I here, why did I do this, And yet, you know, next Sashin, we're all ready to go in again. The wonderful thing is that we forget. It's true.

[17:28]

After you have your first child, I'm not a woman, I haven't had a child as a woman, but if you remember all the pain, you won't have another one. So the reason you keep having them is because you only remember the good parts. So our imagination plays a big role. This is the role of the seventh consciousness, the consciousness of self-consciousness. And when a thought or a feeling, thinking comes up, or a feeling comes up, imagination and self-consciousness, this little devil of the seventh consciousness

[18:34]

magnifies it. So putting attention onto a feeling is to illuminate it. And illumination is essence of mind. Consciousness is the illuminating quality of consciousness is the expression of essence of mind. So when we sit we narrow our vision, narrow our activity, so that whatever is most dominant in consciousness becomes the subject. So when a feeling comes up, it comes up big. And when a thought comes up, it comes up big. And when a Fantasy comes up big and the mind, the consciousness, the illumination of mind consciousness lights up whatever is there.

[19:50]

So, when a feeling comes, to just illuminate it as a feeling, whatever feeling it is. painful feeling or a pleasant feeling, the seventh consciousness sees it both pleasant and unpleasant feelings equally. This is when the seventh consciousness is doing its job correctly. then both pleasant and unpleasant feelings are seen equally without preferring one over the other. This is called the wisdom of equality. The seventh consciousness turns into the wisdom of equality. And so it's no longer ego consciousness.

[20:58]

And then the illumination of essence of mind of the Dharmakaya mirrors everything just as it is. When there's no more preference, things are seen just as it is. And when things are seen just as it is, you are you. And when you are you, Zen is Zen. So it's hard to stay on that razor's edge, to not let yourself fall into one side or the other, into either grasping or rejecting, but to just let everything come as it comes and go as it goes, and each feeling

[22:15]

is not ignored but eliminated by a non-discriminating mind. Oh, this feeling. Oh, this feeling. Sometimes people name what comes up. Oh, this is anger. This is pain. This is pleasant. This is so forth. I don't know if that's good or not. If you name something, then you give it a shape and a form, and actually discriminate it. It might be okay to do that, but if you just let the feelings come, then it's just this feeling, and now it's this feeling, without saying, without categorizing the feeling.

[23:28]

If you have a painful feeling, pain, pain, pain, you might just get caught by this discrimination. better to just silently say, this feeling, oh, now it feels like this. And now it feels like this. And just keep opening up to whatever's there. So that, you know, it's like pushing pushing something through an opening that expands and contracts with whatever it is and takes the shape of whatever it is that goes through. So our mind has to be soft enough to expand to whatever is entering and contracts in order to just fit the size of whatever

[24:45]

feelings, emotions, and thoughts are coming and going. So this is big mind. Big mind has to get bigger and bigger. So instead of trying to reduce the size of what's coming through, which is our natural tendency, natural tendency is, well, carve it down, you know, so it'll fit into my mind. Here comes something good soon. This is a big disturbance. Did the workers down there disturb your mind and your cities down here? No. You didn't? A little bit. It's just a sound, just another sound.

[25:48]

But your mind says, oh, that's a truck or a vehicle going down. If you identify it, then your mind is entering the realm of categories. It's just this sound, and the mind just encompasses this sound. If you say, oh, it's an airplane, you're already thinking. There's just this sound and the mind just encompasses it. That's why it's really good to practice in the city. The city is the best place to learn non-discrimination because there's so much to discriminate. It's good to sit with all the noise and people battling on the street and screaming and yelling and cars going by. best place to practice. It's easy to practice when there's no problem. You say, oh, I have a good discriminating mind.

[26:54]

There's nothing disturbing it, of course. But wait until something enters that is a real disturbance. Then, how is your non-discriminating mind? So we have to keep testing ourself all the time. After Tassajara, after you've been in Tassajara for three or four years, you should go out into the city and test your understanding. Which is getting tougher and tougher to do all the time. Sign of maturity. is when you can go to the city and come back to Tassajara and go back and forth without really any change in your attitude. Without eating ice cream?

[27:58]

Without eating ice cream? Oh no, when you go to the city, eat ice cream. Suzuki Roshi used to say, you may think that after you get enlightened, before you're enlightened, when you pass the ice cream store, your mouth salivates. And you may think that after you're enlightened, when you pass the ice cream store, your mouth will no longer salivate. That's not enlightenment. It's okay, you know, to not eat ice cream when you go to the city. But it's also okay to eat ice cream when you go to the city. As long as you can eat ice cream and then forget it. Ah, this is great ice cream.

[29:01]

Vanilla, chocolate, rocky road. And then really enjoy it. Thoroughly enjoy it. Matter of fact, when you eat that ice cream cone, sit down and just eat the ice cream cone. Completely and thoroughly. And then when the ice cream cone is gone, get up and do the next thing. Completely and thoroughly. Forget about ice cream. This is a non-discriminating mind. When you have a smoke, don't walk around smoking. Really enjoy your smoke. Sit down in a nice place facing a creek. It's great, you know.

[30:04]

But just sit down. And just smoke. Thoroughly and absolutely smoke. Then put it out carefully. Take it and field strip it. Field strip it means emptying out the tobacco. Take the little piece of paper and roll it up in a little ball and put it in your sleeve. Or throw it in the wastebasket or something. Don't leave it on the ground. So if you're going to smoke, smoke is practice. Smoking is not something outside of your practice. And if you want to drink a cup of coffee, or hot chocolate, or whatever it is that you drink, take the cup and sit down and drink it. And completely enjoy it. Drink it thoroughly. Don't walk around with a cup of coffee in your hand.

[31:07]

This is not practice. Walk him up. Sit down and really drink that cup of coffee. You don't have to be too concentrated. The point is, If you can drink the cup of coffee and read the newspaper, you know, then you're drinking and reading, you know, and you know what you're doing. It's different than walking around with something, with a cup of coffee. You are walking and drinking, but you're not able to concentrate on your walking. So drinking a cup of coffee is your practice. If you're going to drink coffee, make it your practice.

[32:11]

Tatsugami Roshi smoked all the time. When he came to Tassajara, I was shusa with him when he first came, 1970, winter of 1970. And that's when Cabin 20 was where the kaisando is now. That used to be the Abbott's cabin. Cabin 20. That little cabin. Amazing that we all fit in there. And he used to smoke all the time. And a lot of people smoked at that time. Interestingly enough, when Baker Roshi first became Abbott, everybody stopped smoking. Nobody smoked in Zen Center. Isn't that interesting? And then when people started to doubt him, they started smoking. So, Tatsugaru Yoshi smoked, and people would bring him all kinds of things to smoke.

[33:30]

He had this little pipe. It was like an opium pipe, you know. Yeah, and it'd take a little pinch of very fine tobacco, put it in there, and you'd have about two or three puffs. And he had his hibachi there, which is probably the same one as the one I was given, and he would light it on it with a coal. And it's just great watching him do that, you know, something so wonderful about it. But people didn't like him smoking, you know, they were like, God, here's his inmate, you know, he's smoking all the time and, you know, continually. And people would say something about it and he'd say, well, you know, you can get enlightened from smoking. Which is, of course, not true. But on the other hand, there's some truth in it. There's some truth in it.

[34:33]

When you're on your deathbed and you can't breathe anymore, you know, now I understand. Better late than never. Better late than never. Do you have any questions? I haven't asked anybody if they have a question. Yes? In the beginning, there was a good part of the sutra on the feelings. It said... Maybe you can read it again. and then later on you said, maybe it's not... No, you should note the feeling. Yeah, you should notice, I mean, not just notice, but be aware. You know, the feeling is the thing in front of you.

[35:37]

In other words, we're sitting Zazen, and we have breath, and we have posture, and a feeling arises. And before the feeling arises, Breath is posture. We breathe into the posture. Breath is awareness of breathing within the posture. And when a thought arises, awareness of breathing with the thought. or with the feeling. The feeling arises, there's awareness of breath with the feeling. That's called noticing. Not just noticing, but being one with the feeling. See, noticing is not something outside of, as an object. We don't see the feeling as an object. But the feeling is, this is, this feeling, we say my feeling, right?

[36:43]

This feeling is me. So what I am at that moment is this feeling. It's not something separate or as an object. That's what he means. So whatever feeling it is, that becomes the subject of your attention. You don't try to eliminate the feeling or see it as an object, but just be that feeling. That's why when you open the mind, first the attention illuminates the feeling. It's like a beam of light on a movie screen. You know, attention goes right to that beam of light and what it's illuminating. So everything that comes up becomes the subject of meditation. So there's the attention,

[37:46]

on the posture, there's a tension on the breathing, and there's a tension on the feeling. And all three are included. So while there is a tension on the feeling, the feeling is dominant. And the body and the breath are included, but they're in the background, or like underneath, you know. more foundation, but awareness of the breath and the body with the feeling. And then when the feeling leaves, and another feeling comes, there's the same attention on that feeling, and then the attention on the next feeling, attention on the next feeling. So that feeling becomes the center, center stage. And then maybe the attention comes back to just the posture.

[38:49]

That becomes center stage. Maybe the mudra, when attention is on the mudra, the mudra has the dominant attention. So it changes all the time. And so then maybe it's a thought. I haven't talked about thinking. I'll talk about thinking tomorrow. So, so far we've covered the body and the breath and the feelings. And next comes the category of mind. Wendy? And then everything you're talking about seems to be about being aware of being alive. So I was wondering, what aliveness is arrogance? Just being alive is enough. But to say, I am alive, is arrogance.

[39:52]

It's the I that's the arrogance, not the life. Okay? The arrogance is in the ego quality of life, not life itself. The arrogance is superimposing I on top of life, or I standing in front of life as the main actor. That's arrogant. So when Seventh Consciousness performs its true function, which is to turn ego, to turn itself from creating the sense of self-centeredness or egocentricity, then its natural function is to see everything, the equality of all things, good, bad.

[40:58]

And it allows, Elaya Vijnana said the eighth consciousness, which is essence of mind, to illuminate. And illumination is enlightenment, right? Light is light. But to illuminate without discrimination So for the ego to put itself forward, say, I am alive, is misunderstanding. Life is alive. If you say, I am living my life, we say that without thinking about it.

[42:03]

But it's actually, I am being lived by life. We see it from the point of view of ourself as the center. I am being lived by life, you know? I am not living my life. I live my life in cooperation with life. Yes, that's true. In some way, I have a determining factor, this free will, right? Determining factor of free will, and we determine how things go, and we actually are self-creating. But even though we're self-creating, there's no one that's, there's no self. Yes? When you speak of feelings, I assume that you're talking about the physical sensations?

[43:04]

Feelings means body sensations and also psychological feelings. It includes both sides, both. Both the feelings of the body and the feelings of the mind. So you say, I have a good feeling or I have a bad feeling, but you can also say I have a painful body feeling or you can say what you did caused me pain in my mind or my heart or whatever, right? So it includes both qualities of feeling aspect. So you may have painful feeling psychologically or in your heart. You may say, oh, my parents died and I feel terrible. That's that kind of feeling. Or you may have pain in your legs. They're both feelings. Well, anyway, I was trying to say my experience is at first there's a physical sensation and then I put something on it, which may or may not be accurate, but I can also go the other way.

[44:12]

I think I can sometimes, a thought arises and then I have a physical sensation that I think is appropriate to it. Yeah, it goes both ways. But it's not clear to me that they're always so connected. Sometimes it seems like it really just arises and I'm not. about activating thoughts, I'm not activating thoughts, it's just thoughts. They just come up, but they come up from somewhere. Yeah, so is it just different kinds of activating thoughts, or is there some... Well, we have conditioned responses. Is there anything else? Yeah. Conditioned response is a reaction, and thoughtful response is a response. So when we have a so-called conditioned response, we're reacting through habit. But to have a thoughtful response means to be able to have a response which is not conditioned by habit, but which responds to the conditions as they are, not as we thought they were or should be.

[45:30]

In other words, a non-distorted response. But you can also have an immediate response, which comes from an unconditioned place. As a matter of fact, when people talk about the Zen response, that's what they're talking about. Quickly, you respond from a non-conditioned place, and so what you say may not make sense in a logical way. But we so often act from a conditioned response, you know, that we don't necessarily think things through and continue to suffer because we're stuck in a place. And our responses come from the place that we're stuck.

[46:34]

This happens internally in response to feelings that come up when we do that.

[46:41]

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