Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Someone asked me to talk about family practice. So I think it's a good subject for us. We have, we can say, look at our practice from three different ways. We can look at it from the point of view of our own development. We can look at it from the point of view of helping others. And we can look at it from the point of view of just practicing. When we begin to practice, our motivation is usually to develop ourself in some way.

[01:15]

And then after we have maturity in practice, we realize that we're not practicing just for ourselves, but we're also practicing for others. And when we reach a higher maturity, We just practice, not for ourselves and not for others, but we just take care of the practice, which takes care of ourself and takes care of others. When we practice just for the sake of practice, that's called a practice which is not self-centered and it's not other-centered. That's called a practice of non-duality. So, how does that affect our relationship with others?

[02:21]

Traditionally, I'm pretty sure that most religious practices begin with a kind of retreat from the world and austerity with a group of people. Christianity started this way. Buddhism started this way. And those people kind of put together the practice and then at some point those people go out and introduce the practice to the world and it gets, the practice becomes more universal and more subject to influences you might say, becomes watered down, diluted in some way, in order to accommodate to a large population.

[03:39]

And so there are many levels of practice within a practice, within a spiritual practice. There's the kind of monastic model And then there's the family model. And within Buddhism, there are many different levels. In Japan, the monks up until the Meiji era, in the 19th century, were mostly monastics and temple priests. but not family people. And the Meiji Emperor thought that the monks and the priests were having too much control, they presented too much of a threat.

[04:50]

So he had the monks turned out of the monasteries and made them become family people and made the temples become family temples. So that changed the whole face of Buddhism, especially Zen, in Japan. So, I don't say that the monks were all doing strong monastic or Zazen practices. There was a lot of corruption, you know, within the religious hierarchy. But that was the ideal. So when the monks became family people, they set up a different kind of system where

[05:52]

all of the populace had to register with the temples, the local temples. This was a good way of keeping a census and also of keeping track of everybody. But it also made the temples central and created a a family practice where the priests and monks became pastors for the populace, which is actually a very good thing. Change has always two faces. The old face loses, but the new face creates something. So this family practice was very good for people in many ways. But if you go to Japan, you see all those temples used to have, all those temples have zendos that were built as a way of practice.

[07:06]

But nobody does zazen in them. There's no practice in them. So it's a kind of a trade-off, giving up the spiritual practice for a more Sunday school practice. I don't know, Sunday school, but Sunday worship, very much like churches in America. When some of the teachers came to America in the last 30, 40, 35 years, 40 years. There were teachers who wanted to establish Zazen practice in America, or wanted to help us to establish Zazen practice in America. But there were also family priests. Suzuki Roshi was a temple priest, and he was very much interested in lay practice.

[08:13]

He'd been a priest for laypeople all of his life, except when he was in the monastery, training. And when he came here, he was very interested in lay practice, setting up lay practice. But he's also interested in setting up a priest's practice, and a practice in which both priests and laypeople can participate with Zazen as the central focus. which is very unusual. In Japan, sometimes the priests use the zendo, but, you know, it's just occasional. It's like Wednesday night, maybe an old man will sit with the priest. You know, something like that. When Suzuki Hiroshi came to America and other teachers, It was very interesting because he used to sit every day by himself at Old Sokoji on 1881 Bush Street.

[09:23]

And it was set up with pews, a church was set up with pews, and he used to sit in the pews. And people would call him up because the address was in the telephone book. And he'd say, well, I sit every morning at 545. and you're welcome to come and sit with me." So, little by little, there was a sangha which developed at 1881 Bush Street, and everybody sat in the pews. And a little later, the congregation let us use the upstairs room, which is a beautiful room, for zendo. And then the practice developed, So it developed with lay people, family people, and single people, and artists, and students, and intellectuals, and every type of person who was interested in Zen, and hippies, people with bells on their toes.

[10:34]

Suzuki Roshi was open to everyone practicing, but the focus of the practice was Zazen. Zazen and some teaching, but very simple. And he didn't ordain people until later in his life as priest. But he didn't demand a lot of people. He just allowed people to find their own way into the practice, always allowing people to find their way into the practice. And if you had a family, he was very insistent that you take care of your family, that you not abandon your family in order to sit zazen. But, you know, this practice has always been a double bind.

[11:52]

It's always been a kind of bind because you want to practice Zazen and you want to take care of your family. And it's a co-op. It's a big problem because family always demands a lot. And if you practice Zazen every day, if you come to the Zen Dojo and practice there, that demands a lot of you. So there's always this tension and how to create a harmonious practice given all of the factors of your life, not just family but work, relationships of all kinds, travel, the unexpected, which is always interrupting our life. How do you take all these factors and include them in your practice?

[12:54]

And at the same time, get up every morning and sit zazen, or in the afternoon or whatever, and have a regular kind of practice. So, we realized that there has to be some dedication. If you're a Zen student, there has to be some dedication. to what you're doing. If you're a doctor, you have to be dedicated to medicine. If you're a lawyer, you have to be dedicated to law. If you're a Zen student, you have to be dedicated to Zen practice, which doesn't mean you can't do many things. But what it means is that, basically, you have to limit your activities in your life. At some point, you realize you have to limit the activities of your life in order to do what you want to do. which goes with anything that you do. So this is the difficult part. Suzuki Roshi himself had a wife.

[13:55]

He had children, but they didn't live with him. They were too old. And the practice, it was very interesting, you know, these two short people. old, you know, about my age. I used to think they were old. And the interaction, you know, I remember one time Suzuki Roshi talking to me about his wife. He was just remarkable. They had a playful fight, playful, you know, interaction. But he would say, the wife, you know, is always I said, yeah, we have a word for that in America, it's called being henpecked. Yeah, henpecked. He said, well, you know, it's really hard when you have a husband or wife, and yet you have to have it.

[15:07]

And I said, yeah, we have a saying for that too. You can't live with him and you can't live without him. Yeah, that's right. So he had that kind of relationship with his wife. But even though there was that kind of playful quarreling, they were very supportive, always very supportive of each other, totally supportive of each other. Also, he used to say, here's the bind. You should sit zazen, not every day, but regularly if it's your practice.

[16:11]

But at the same time, you shouldn't expect your spouse to do what you're doing. And you shouldn't leave your spouse and say, well, what I'm doing is sitting Zazen, which is better than what you're doing. Which is something else. There were people in those days who would abandon their family and seek the spiritual path. And he was very much against that. Very much against that. And he was also advocated people practicing together, not just going off by yourself to do something. This is very characteristic of Japanese practice, is that people practice together. Even though we sit individually, everything we do is done individually.

[17:16]

All of our interactions are individual. But practice is When you sit Zazen, you're sitting with everyone. That was always foremost. Practice is not just for yourself. Zazen is not something you just do for yourself. And as I said, this is the maturity of practice when you realize that Zazen is not something you do for yourself. So, supporting the Sangha. The Sangha itself is a family. kind of familial group. So that's one side of family practice, actually. You practice with other people in order to create the practice together, for each other, and to encourage everyone's practice.

[18:17]

So, if you're a single person, single people, it's very interesting, single people often complain that they don't have the attention that married people have. Because married people have each other, and they have a kind of close familial relationship. And single people are often envious of that kind of relationship. And they see the married people having a good time, you know, together and so forth. And they complain. But actually, not all of them, not always, but it's often a complaint. But single people have a wonderful opportunity to practice because they don't have the possibility.

[19:26]

It's easier for them to reduce their obligations and practice more single-mindedly. But family practice is a broader spectrum. And one has to practice with the family as a Sangha. So family practice itself, just relating to the immediate members of your family, itself is practice. how to take care of the difficulties, and keep keeping the harmonious way of life.

[20:34]

Because we have some idea about how we're going to do something, when we begin setting up all the factors of our life in a harmonious way, that harmony makes it very easy for us to have energy and lightness. But no cycle ever is permanent. And so we start getting unbalanced and pretty soon we start losing our energy and losing our ability to do what we want to do. And so then we have to look at all those factors and bring them back into balance. So family practice is looking at all the factors

[21:42]

that constitute your life, the people and the activities, and bring them into balance every day. It's never set. It's only set for a moment. So, bringing all those factors into balance every day is just like sitting zazen. When you sit zazen, you bring all the factors of your body and mind into balance. And when they're not in balance, then you have a lot of painfulness and discomfort and difficulty. So Zazen, learning how to bring yourself into balance in Zazen is the same as when that is extended to your life, family life and larger life. It's the same thing. When things are out of balance, it's very painful and you have to compensate.

[22:48]

So I think that one of the biggest factors of practice is looking at the balance of activities every day, every week, every month, so you don't get stuck in thinking that I started to do things, we started to do things this way and they're not working. And then you start going downhill and you think that you can't do any practice because your life is getting too heavy on one side. So you have to keep bringing it back into balance and knowing what are the most important factors of your life. In order to practice Dazen, in order to do this practice, you have to have limitations. You have to be able to say no.

[23:53]

Yes to this and no to that. Problem, you know, of our life here in this country is that we live in a really rich soup We live in a totally rich soup. And the idea of reducing that richness makes us feel deprived. But in order to practice, you have to practice in a more lean kind of soup. And one that's not quite so tasty but allows you to do what you need to do. So we easily get, we take on too much stuff, which we think is necessary.

[24:55]

The problem is we think that everything that we take on is necessary. We live in the information age, and we think a lot of information is necessary. And it is. It is. Or is it? What's really necessary? What do we really have to have in order to live our life in a harmonious way with everything? What kind of demands do we have to live up to or adhere to in order to live a harmonious life, which is interesting. If you become a priest, you have even more restricted activity. So you should think twice about wanting to do that, because priest life

[26:04]

It is dedicated to practice and that's the first order of things. And then family is also part of that. But the main thing isn't which comes first. It's a matter of how do you create a harmonious field with family as a practice. and with the family supporting that practice. So there's always a tension. It can be resolved for a little while, but then the elements change. and you have to readjust and you have to be very aware so that you can readjust.

[27:11]

If you know what your zazen practice is, that's a big pillar in your life with which you can gauge what your activity is. That's the one thing that should be steady. Then you know where everything else comes in relation to that. But if that moves, and it no longer becomes the central pillar, then you just kind of drift around. And pretty soon you say, God, I remember that practice I had. So that's the most important thing I feel, is no matter what else is going on in your life, no matter how much crisis you have, you always do the Zazen.

[28:12]

It's the one thing that you always do. No matter how tired you are, or how busy you are, or what's happening, or what kind of awful things or wonderful things, you always do the Zazen. and that establishes your life, your practice life. And things will, you know, events will become chaotic, and the Zazen will be right there, and your life will become very calm and easy, and the Zazen will be right there. It doesn't matter. It's the one thing that is constant throughout all those changes. So you don't have to sit zazen every day, but you should sit consistently. Know what your consistency is and stick with it.

[29:21]

Sometimes you shouldn't sit zazen. Sometimes you should take a vacation. That's good. But that's part of zazen. But every month, You should look at your calendar and say, every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or every whatever it is, and stay with that for that period of time, even if it's difficult. And then next month, say, I'm going to change it to this. And you stay with that. So you're always gauging what your practice is, so you don't get stuck. you create a harmonious way of balancing zazen with the rest of the factors of your life. And that's how we do family practice. Do you have any questions?

[30:38]

You must have some. Something missing. Yes? Well, I heard of a woman who was meditating, and she was a Buddhist. And she's married to an alcoholic. And I couldn't understand it. And she said, well, that's my practice. But I think that if she was aware, she would be OK. She would be what? Well, not the American alcoholic. I mean, that must be the way. But we can't account for everyone's relationship. Someone may feel that since they're married, whatever it is that happens in that marriage is an opportunity for practice. So maybe, you know, Someone who wants to be more happy will leave.

[31:44]

But someone who feels sympathy, compassion for the spouse, even though it may not make them very happy, there are other factors which are more important than their own happiness. And so maybe that's why she's staying with the marriage. It could be that she's codependent, you know, and not helping. That's another factor. But if she stays with it, it's possible to figure out that she's codependent and help the husband to find a way and help herself to find out how to relate in that situation. So if you stay with something, you either die with it, or you find a way. And I think that's more like practice.

[32:45]

You either find a way, or you die on the spot. Yes? What's a Buddhist conception of romantic love? Don't. The Buddhist conception of romantic love is, don't be fooled by anything. See everything as it really is. But we all get caught, you know, in romantic love, and then we have to find out, well, what is that? You know? We step into it, and then we find ourselves. And everything has two faces.

[33:55]

And it can be either a beneficial thing, or it can be a trap. I'm saying romantic love is a book, you know, is something, a special form, you know. I'm not saying love in general, I'm saying, you know. I realize that's very, you know, like infatuation. We say, you know, in Buddhism, mostly love is spoken of as compassion. or kindness, or sympathetic joy, or even equanimity. Romantic love is a concept that's very recent, generally speaking, in society.

[35:02]

We take it for granted, you know. And because of our movie viewing. You know, romantic love is an enormous industry. And we give it a lot of attention. But it was not given a lot of attention before about the 16th century. didn't mean much, actually. But now it's on everybody's mind. And we think, well, we should all marry for love, romantic love. We have this idea of romantic love, and we marry for that. And then we soon find ourselves in reality. Which is OK. Romantic love leads us to reality.

[36:08]

But in the old days, people were put together by their parents or matchmakers. Very little through romantic love. It wasn't something that people thought about. So when you say Buddhist concept of romantic love, we're talking about an old ideal for this age. This is the ideal in this age is romantic love. So the old Buddhists said that's delusion, totally delusion. The new Buddhists, or the present age Buddhists, because we live in the present age and have all fallen for it, you know, have some understanding of it, we think.

[37:14]

Some understanding. And so it's a little different, you know, because we have all gone through something, some form of romantic relationship, which has been condoned, whereas in the old days it wasn't really. We have to think about that, you know, and it does permeate, it does influence how we do things. Because, that's a really good point, in other countries, in Buddhism, the men are practiced, the men are separate from the women. Just like in Judaism, the men practice separate from the women. spiritual practices for men, and women were considered the seducers, even though, you know, total baloney.

[38:21]

That was a prevalent way of thinking about women's practice. When Suzuki Roshi came to America, and I went to Zendo, The women sat on one side of the zendo, and the men sat on the other side. And we'd sit down, do zazen, and we'd stand up, and we'd bow to our koshin, and we'd turn around, and the men would bow to the women, and the women would bow to the men. It was very nice. I have to say, I really liked that a lot. And then, not because it was separate, but there was some kind of recognition that these are men, and these are women, and You know, we're bowing to each other as men and women. As men bowing to men, to women, and women bowing to men. And not just kind of everybody. But later we changed it. And then the women, and it felt very strange. But we all got used to it. So, in this country, bringing men and women to practice together in the same way has created, you know,

[39:32]

a whole different concept of practice. So totally different than what they do in Japan or anywhere else. Totally different. So it's just a different way of dealing with the romantic side of our nature. In the old country, you just put it aside. And here we all come with our romantic notions. People come, men come looking for women, women come looking for men. Women come looking for women, men come looking for men. But in the practice, practice comes first. I hope. So I think it's good to

[40:32]

to have relationships without delusions. I think the Buddhist attitude would be, is, from my point of view, to have good, faithful relationships without being deluded. Yes. No. Well, no. Consistency and commitment are the two wheels of practice when we make it up. We make our own cart. We put together our own vehicle.

[41:33]

And there are people who practice in various ways. Some people only do sashins. Some people only do zazen once a month. People have various practices. This is the practice that was brought to us by Suzuki Roshi, and his whole foundation was consistency and doing something thoroughly. and simply, and penetrating one thing, doing one thing and penetrating one thing. This is the rock bottom of practice. Not everybody can do it. It's not suitable for everybody. Some people like to have colorful pictures, or philosophical speculations, or social gatherings.

[42:40]

But this is the rock bottom practice, and not everybody is... It's not suitable for everyone. I mean, it's there for everyone, but... I don't want to say not everyone is ready, because that's a little arrogant. But... It's not suitable for everyone. But... It's the practice that I needed when I started to practice. It exactly fit. I needed the discipline and the consistency. I would just be drifting around without it. So I've always appreciated it and realized the value of it and promoted it. So I keep promoting it. And I'm very traditional in some ways.

[43:47]

I'm very untraditional, but I'm very traditional in some ways. Somebody wrote a book recently, and I'm one of the characters in the book, and I'm called the traditionalist, which is okay. I always thought of myself actually as being a non-traditionalist, and I end up being the traditionalist. It's very interesting. All my life I was, up until I started practicing, I was totally untraditional, non-traditional about anything. I never wanted to repeat anything more than once or twice. So when I came in contact with the practice and my teacher, it was a whole totally different I mean, it's completely turning me around, but I knew that's what I needed. Yes.

[44:50]

Perhaps from early on you were looking for an alternative to the Western tradition you were born into, and when you finally found it, you went all the way. Well, that's true. I was. I'd like you to say something about practicing sitting at home if it is so difficult to... Yes. Oh, yeah. ...to zendo. Yeah. You know, you should do what you can do. And I think practicing at home is very important. You know, for me, coming to the zendo is very important. I never sit at home. I always sit in the zendo. This is where my focus for sitting is.

[45:55]

And then my other activities I do other places. But you may not be able to get to the zendo, so you can sit at home. And even if you can't sit for 40 minutes, sit for 15 minutes, 10 minutes, you know, just to have the consistency of sitting. It's good to sit for 40 minutes or an hour or whatever. But if you don't have that time, sit for 10 minutes, 15 minutes, in order to be consistent. And that consistency will carry your practice. Consistency is really important in practice. If you do something every day, then you have the practice in your guts. It's not a matter of whether it's this amount of time or that amount of time. At a certain time, you just do it. And just let go of everything.

[46:58]

Just do that. And that will keep your practice consistent. And then, when it's time to do something, like a sashin, you know that you're attuned into it. So that keeps you in tune, so to speak. Yes? Will you speak a little bit about relationship without delusions? Relationship what? Without delusions. You have mentioned it. Oh yeah, relationship without delusions. Well, relationship without delusion is, who is this person and who am I? And what is it that brings us together? And what is it that we want to share and do? When we meet somebody, we have an attraction.

[48:04]

Family practice. There's a whole side of people that we don't even know about. So what's behind? What else is there besides my attraction for this person? Because the attraction is our attraction. It's us. It's me. I fall in love, but it's me. This is the only person I could fall in love with. They're so wonderful. and then take them out of the picture and someone else comes on. Oh! So it's really me projecting onto this person. And we keep projecting the same thing onto different people. Well, that one won't do.

[49:06]

Oh! Well, that one won't do. Why not? Because there's something in ourself that won't do. Actually, we should be able to, theoretically, find anybody in this room and have a relationship with them. And a good one. But we pick out the one that meets our ideals, which is okay, but you have to realize that the more they appeal to our ideas and ideals, the more delusion there is. So, when you strip away your ideas and your hopes and all that, and just come down to the bare person, you and this person, that's when you can decide, well, whether or not to take up with this person.

[50:12]

Because If you form the relationship based on your ideals and your illusions and so forth, eventually that stuff gets stripped away anyway, the hard way. So it's very difficult to have a relationship unless you're realistic about the relationship. But it's a big, you know, I'm just, these are just some words, right? This is a big, a huge, enormous subject.

[50:54]

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