It's a little hard to speak. It's been such a deeply quiet session. As Alan said yesterday, feeling the impermanence, now's absence, understanding that we will go our separate ways, either one or the other of us, departing everything in this session. So, as I've been letting go of everything that I came here to let go of, I've been remembering that I need to give this talk, so I couldn't let go of everything. And so as I obsessed over, I have to give this talk, I have to give this talk, I was reminded of a story about a man who was standing in line at the movies, and he heard someone in front of him saying, Oy, oy, am I feisty.

[01:09]

Oy, oy, am I feisty. And he couldn't stand it any longer. This went on and on. So he walked down to the corner, and he got a cup of water, a paper cup, and he brought it back. And he gave it to the man. And the man drank it. He made sure he drank it properly. He heard the lament, oy, oy, was I toasty. Oy, was I toasty. So I think my talk, my obsessing about my talk was, oh, I have to give a talk. And then after, oy, I gave a talk. So that's one lament that we hear a lot of. It's a he, oy, ay, oy, ay. And the other extreme of that lament takes the form of a poem that I heard by Muhammad Ali, who was speaking at the Harvard commencement exercises many years ago. And they asked him to recite a poem.

[02:12]

And he said, we, me. We, me. And I think that's the manic side of the lament or the song that we hear in our heads. We, me. And boy, I is the other side. And somewhere between the two, you can hear yourself recreating the drama of your life, of this thing that you call yourself. Over and over again, during Sashim, if you're very lucky, you can hear it. And if you're not listening so clearly, if it's not so quiet, you've acted out because you're fearful. So I thought I would talk about relinquishment and letting go of that too. And I thought I would do that in terms of the Paramitas, particularly the Dhamma Paramita, which in its most transcendent form is about complete giving up, letting go.

[03:16]

So my words of encouragement to you are about give up everything, give up all of your hope, everything you wanted to be. I hope you're encouraged by that. The Paramitas come to us from 2,000 years ago or so, sometime around Buddha, and maybe they were thought to have only six of them in the beginning and later expanded to ten. It's not clear how or why, but it was just obsessing on the decimal systems. The six paramitas are the practices of the Bodhisattva. And in a certain way, I hope that my talk today answers my straight man, Greg's question, the last question that was asked yesterday, which is how, how is it that we practice together in Sachine?

[04:18]

How is it that we recognize the Buddha nature of one another? And that's, in a sense, what the Paramitas are about. They're about a practice, an activity. So the first one, dana, is giving or generosity. And the second one, sila, is morality. And the third one, kshanti, is patience. And the fourth one, virya, something like virility, maybe we could say in a non-sexist way, zeal, or energy. And the fifth one is jnana, or zazen. And the sixth one is prana, or prashna, wisdom. So the first three actually correspond very well with the three defilements, the three kleshas, greed, hate, and delusion. Because dana, giving, is the antidote to greed.

[05:25]

And kshanti, patience, is the antidote to hate. And in a certain way, morality is the antidote to delusion. Because if we practice the precepts from our hara, from our heart, and see the cause and effect of our action, we're clearly seeing through our conditions. The fourth one, virya, is really the spirit with which we practice the other three. And this spirit that Dali referred to as the Chan way, as this zestful, lively spirit, is what saves our practice from having that stench of Zen. that really holy, righteous, heavy, laden feeling that we get when we're really trying to be good. And of course, Dhyana and Prajna, the fifth and the sixth, are really at the backbone of our practice, our meditation.

[06:39]

And Huineng said about the two together that they're like a lamp in its light, You can't really separate the two, because the lamp is only a lamp because of the light, and the light only exists because of the lamp. So this is the way we can see Vyana and Prajna. So, one of the texts, I think, that does a very good job of describing the Paramitas is this practice of perfection by Iken Roshi. And he describes them from the Zen perspective. So even though they come from an earlier stage of Buddhism, he really describes them as they relate to the ancestors' practice. So each one he illustrates with a little case.

[07:45]

And so I will share a couple of those cases with you. But first I wanted to say something about the ancestors, because we've been talking about them quite a bit, and Gary and Sojin, and with Sojin it's very clear to us, a very intimate connection with him. And did it take some time, or at least took me some time, to develop an appreciation in the words of these historical ancestors. In fact, I remember complaining in one session to Mel about couldn't he get any new material. You know, why did he tell these stories from these old guys, you know, from 2,000 years ago or 1,200 years ago? polishing a tile, and the other one you hit the ox or the car. It's like, what's the point? So it took me a while to get some appreciation. And I think it's a little bit like tasting wine.

[08:47]

You just develop a taste for the flavor of the clarity and the fullness, the richness. And so it takes some with their understanding to appreciate the world. So I encourage you to do so. In addition, I think it's very apparent, particularly if you travel to some of these countries where the ancestors lived, their devotion, what they gave up to practice the way. I was really struck in Japan by the way they had shaped the culture and left behind their scent. And I thought about their life of giving up the comforts of a family, and the reassurance of a job, and the stability of a home, and to the way they devoted themselves completely

[09:59]

They gave up all their fetishes so that they could completely debunk themselves to this way. And I couldn't help but be moved by that. But most important to me about the ancestors is that while faith is a very important part of our tradition, it's not the faith that we hear about in other religions. In other religions, we're told a story and we're expected to believe it. And in Zen, we're told nothing and expected to uncover it. And these people, these ancestors, were not born, other than the story of the Buddha, were not born with something special, the way leaders of other religions were. These ancestors developed this wisdom in the same way that you are, doing just exactly what you're doing.

[11:07]

And so, this is the way our faith emerges, by practicing in just this way, seeing just as they saw, and coming to appreciate our practice. Just as they did. So this is quite miraculous actually that we become just as they were through this practice. So I wanted to first share a story, a case, one of my favorites actually, which illustrates for me maybe the first four of the precepts, I mean of the Parmitas. Tao Wu, who was a descendant of Sekito Kisen, Shito, it's Dali described here.

[12:10]

Tao Wu and one of his students, Chen Yuan, went to a house to pay condolences. Chen Yuan rapped on the carpet and asked, living or dead? Tao Wu said, I won't say. either living or dead. Qian Yuan said, why won't you say? Tao Wu said, I won't say. I won't say why I won't say. On the way home, Qian Yuan said, Your Reverence, please tell me right away. And he was referring to the question, living or dead. If you don't, I shall hit you. Tao Wu said, you can hit me if you like, but I won't say. Qian Yuan hit him. I'm going to stop there and tell a little bit more about the story, which actually isn't in this version, but it's in the booklet record.

[13:11]

After this event, Qian Yuan, in that moment, did not attain realization, unfortunately, of his teacher. It seems like a good match to me. Tao Wu, however, in demonstrating his great dana to his student and his kshanti, his patience, his generousness and his forbearance and patience with this very difficult student, also demonstrated great clarity because we're to assume that this happened publicly because he said to his student, you know, When the head monk hears about the fact that you have hit me, he'll be in some deep trouble. So you better shag it over to some other monastery right now, because he's not going to like this. This is a really important point about Dana and generosity and giving, that it be done with complete clarity of the consequences of what you're doing.

[14:21]

I mean, sometimes we may offer Dana in a way that puts our life in danger, but that's okay as long as we know what we're doing. So he knew that in his great generosity in offering himself as the object of the student's variant of his zeal, he was really putting something on the line. But he was teaching his student something very important, which is it doesn't matter how you may rage, or what your intensity is, or what your desire is, the only way to practice is through relinquishment. In other words, after you've hit me, you're going to have to give up. And this reminds me of my own relationship with Mel, and how many times I hit him,

[15:23]

insisting and demanding over the course of maybe 10 years that I should be a priest. Then he said, I won't say. And so after this had gone on for many years, I realized that hitting him and demanding, and whatever other methodology I employed, and I'm very resourceful, so it took me a long time to run out and relinquish. So after that, I was able to get close to relinquishing, and I was going to Tassajara for a practice period. And about that time, he said to me, well, there's some things about you becoming a priest, but I won't say. I kind of puzzled about it, but I went on my way, and when I got to Tassajara, there was, soon after I had landed and run into the wall there and crashed, I noticed that there was a sewing class with Blanche.

[16:29]

And I said, that's what he wouldn't say. He's going to ask me to start sewing my okay-so while I'm here, because he knows I live 200 miles away. And this makes the most sense. I'll be at Chasahara, and I'll be able to sew with Blanche. I love Blanche. Oh, what a wise teacher. Of course, I was making all this up. He hadn't considered this at all. It was just my idea. So there I sat with this great expectation that I would begin sewing in Blanche's sewing class with this great reverence for my teacher's wisdom. And of course, it didn't happen. And as it didn't happen, This great reverence then became this great rage, disappointment, and hurt all over something that I had made up entirely. And about this time, he showed up at Tassara, you know, as he does during the practice period. And fortunately, I think I was just coming through the other side of it, so I didn't hit him.

[17:34]

Otherwise, I would have to answer to the head monk at Tassara. But it's a wonderful example of the process that we all go through with our hopes and our expectations and our demands and a wonderful lesson in relinquishment. And so I'd like to say more about relinquishment and read another case. Now, a monk asked Huì Hǎi. Now, Huì Hǎi actually was given that name by Mǎ Zǔ in the same generation of Raymond Pong, a student of Mǎ Zǔ. And we also know him as Hyakujō, or Paitong. And Huì Hǎi means great pearl. When Mǎ Zǔ heard something of what Hyakujō was teaching,

[18:37]

He said, there's a great pearl that lives, wherever it was, west or east or north. And so he also was known by that name. The monk asked Hui Hai, by what means can the gateway of our school be entered? Hui Hai said, by means of the Dhamma paramita. The monk said, according to the Buddha, the Bodhisattva path comprises six paramitas. Why have you mentioned only one? Please explain why this one alone provides a sufficient means for us to enter." Pui Hai said, the voodoo people fail to understand that the other five all proceed from the dhamma paramita, and that by its practice, all the others are fulfilled. The monk asked, why is it called the dhamma paramita? Pui Hai said, dhamma means relinquishment. The monk asked, relinquishment of what?

[19:40]

Krupai said, relinquishment of the dualism of opposites, which means relinquishment of ideas as to the dual nature of good and bad, being and non-being, void and non-void, pure and impure, and so on, including self and non-self, or self and other. So in the most transcendent form, the dharmaparamita, which we usually think of as charity or generosity, really means giving it all up. And this is essentially what we talk of seshi for and how we practice. And we practice with others. In fact, like Meili described, when we arrived at this cave, we come into the zendo, and it's full of demons. We look all around, and there are demons.

[20:43]

There are demons sitting next to us, wiggling, breathing too loud. And there are demons opening the door and letting drafts in. So we give some Dharma talk to ourselves. and some of them become non-demons or leave. And we also sit down and do our zazen, and we notice that there's really only one demon left, and that's ourself, with our demands, our unending demands as we meant, that something please us, satisfy us, go our way, give us the respect we deserve You'd please him, Angelomal. I'm sure you have your own set. But I noticed the demons everywhere this session. Particularly, I was doing kin-hin. And I noticed that it began to smell bad. And I was mildly embarrassed, but I can handle it.

[21:48]

And as I continued to sniff, it got stronger. And I realized it wasn't me. It was somebody close to me in Kim Kim. Although it smelled like me, it was kind of my brand. It was like mine, only a little worse. And then this mild embarrassment turned to anger. Because it wasn't mine. And that very quick transition to, you know, mild embarrassment, to rage, because it didn't belong to me, was a very interesting way for me to begin to see these demons. And I saw demons opening the door when people were trying to change their robes. I saw demons turning on lights when people were trying to rest in the community room. I even know of one demon who left her alarm clock going while other people were taking a nap on a break.

[22:58]

So, here in Sashim, here in Sashim, we encounter many, many demons. Demons of exhaustion. Demons of food we don't like. Demons of pain. Everywhere. It doesn't stop. And no matter what we do, no matter how we rage, no matter how we encourage, we can't make it go our way and we can't make it go away. So then we are left with relinquishing, we give up, and we recognize the only demon we have is a desire to recreate this self we have created with its demands for satisfaction. And so, we're left with this one being. And what do we do with this one being?

[24:01]

Well, Dali mentioned it, and you talk of it in the poem. Suzuki Roshi used to say that our practice is really going out in a boat into the middle of the ocean and sinking it. So we let ourselves sink. We give up, and give up again. and continue to do well. Now I learned a little bit about relinquishment since I'm a very slow student and a very stubborn student and I'm very resourceful. It took me going to Tofuku-ji to have some more lessons on relinquishment. Now Flint was there. Did I exaggerate on how scary it was? No. Okay. So. It was terrifying. It became the one period of Zazen after the Seishin I did. But there was something very primitive about the place. I don't know what it was. The hours were abominable, 3 to 11. And there was the intense beating of the monks that was going on constantly and hitting each other.

[25:10]

If they weren't chanting loudly enough during service, they would punch each other. And they would tease each other and taunt each other when they were eating. They weren't eating fast enough. So it was kind of like animal house. But it was just what I needed and you're very lucky that you do your practice here. And because I'm so stubborn I have to go there. But one of the things about going there is a very strict training monastery. And so there are only men once there. But they allow women to come and do session or practice there. They don't know what to do with them. So, you know, they figure we have these weird needs. So, they're not quite sure what to do about it. So they relaxed the rules a little bit for women.

[26:14]

And the men, of course the American men or the Japanese men who come to do sashimi there have to stay there for the whole seven days. They may not leave the temple itself. But the women, they allow you to go out on your breaks. And basically they want you to take a bath. so you don't smell and upset the monks. So, one of the things I found out was, I had this little neighborhood which Flint was in with me, and if I really ran fast on my break, I could grab some sushi before I got back. And I would be, you know, this shaving head robed humongous, they didn't know what I was, running through the streets of Kyoto on my break and then running back and wolfing down sushi in between. But what I discovered was that when I came back after such a journey, I was very miserable.

[27:19]

It was like I had to enter hell all over again. And I realized, you may already realize it from your practice here, But it took me going there to realize that when I departed from renunciation, from relinquishment, what I was feeding, this self I was feeding, was the very one that felt so much pain. And every time I nourished myself in this way, I suffered on account of it. And so I soon realized that better just to give it up on my grace, and just go lay down and moan. And I think that's the good news that I have for you here in Relinquishment, in giving up all hope. And that is that that which you're hoping for and that which you're bolstering up is exactly that which feels the pain.

[28:23]

And when you give up, actually There is some improvement in that pain. There is some letting go. Because you're not related to this self that suffers in the same way. Instead, you're relating to everything that is as you like. And there's some belief in that. Some. So I'd like to conclude with my rendition of a Rumi poem, which is something of a vow, of relinquishment, and something of a prayer. And I'll change it for the season. Break the legs of everything that I want to happen. Humiliate my desires. Eat me like candy. It's fall and I have no will. So now we're in English talking and maybe some questions.

[29:26]

So you won't get enraged at us if we don't relinquish everything. Who said? Did I say that? No. Okay. It was actually supposed to be a joke. Well, I suppose there's still some demon here. No doubt. Yeah. I think you're supposed to keep it straight. You don't get to tell the jokes. This turn. Thank you very much, Grace. It's always a pleasure hearing about somebody else's demons. You've actually told us about demon of Godiva chocolate before. I'm just wondering whether Godiva chocolate was available in Kyoto.

[30:30]

Yes, Godiva is now available in Kyoto, but I have moved on. I'm now mainlining Toy Shirts, which I don't think I can get there. I'll have to ship it over. But I did find that it was of absolutely no use. I brought, when I went to Tofuku-ji in Kyoto, I brought a suitcase which was pretty much filled with chocolate. It was warm, so there was no clothes except my robe in it. And I, when I got there and I realized the situation that I was in, I said, I can't even start. I don't even want to have one piece because it's just not going to do anything. Would you say how Tofuku-ji relates to Ehe-ji? Yes. Tofuku-ji is a Rinzai temple which I stumbled on almost accidentally and found my karma. I must have been there in a past life and skipped out because now I have to pay my debt.

[31:35]

But it's very interesting. It has a very direct connection to Dogen. Eni Benen Shohitsu, who was a national teacher, the founder of Tofukuji, lived at the same time as Dogen in the year 1200, went to China about the same time that Dogen did, and instead found Rinzai teacher there. And he must have been far more mellow than Dogen because he came back to Kyoto and actually was befriended by many of the powers in Kyoto. I don't think he started teaching in Kyoto. He was in some far off place, but they found him and decided he was a pretty heavyweight teacher. And he came back, like Dogen did, with his whole Rinzai lineage rather than the Soto lineage. But it was the same time. And in fact, he was the direct cause of Dogen's move to Fukui Prefecture.

[32:38]

Because he established, they established Tofukuji and invited Shogitsu to be the teacher there. And Dogen took this as a big snub by the court and realized he was not in favor and therefore left, I think it was in Echizen Manor, he left for Fukui where Eheiji is because of this. So it's very interesting to me, the karma that connects the two places, Eheiji and Tofukuji. In fact, Dogen, in his writings, rails against those Zen teachers who practice Confucianism and Daoism in Tendai. And he's referring to the founder of Tofukuji, Shogitsu, as a phony. But his writings, which I did not know about until I sort of fell into this temple and then tried to research about what was going on there.

[33:40]

There are writings and there is a chapter on him in the Roaring Stream. A chapter written by Dogen? No, a chapter in the Roaring Stream by Nelson Foster. It has the history of the various teachers from China, from Bodhidharma through modern day. Yes? It's the same thing that we feel the pain, so why not just turn towards? Well, everybody has their reasons. Yours are different than mine. But it's a very strong habit. You know, this craving to exist kind of sticks with us as long as we have a body. And this unclenching of it, you know, even though we think we're taking care of ourselves, it's very painful. It's almost like those people who've been prisoner of war.

[34:46]

We saw pictures after World War II, and they were in these little cages, constricted by these bamboo cages. And when you took the cage away, they were still constricted. We've grown kind of gnarly. And so it's quite the effort to open ourselves up, little by little, you know, unfolding, ungrasping. But inside, what we're collecting is almost like razor blades. Maybe on the same line as Andrew's question, could you say a word about letting go of letting go? Yes, this Buddhism that we practice is a verb in Nama now. So when we let go, then we let go of that. I think there's a wonderful story. I think it's Rinzai. A monk comes in and says, I've let go of everything. I'm not holding on to anything at all. And the teacher says, let go of that too. He said, you didn't hear me.

[35:46]

I've let go of everything. And Rinzai said, all right, go on carrying it then. Did you go to Fukuji especially to have a very strict, stern practice? That you felt you needed that or you just went for an adventure in Japan? Well, probably all of the above. But I didn't know how strict it was exactly until I got there. Although I must say, I was terrified and cried all the way on the train. So I knew something of what I was in for. But what happened was, on one trip that I was going there, I was hoping to meet with Uchiyama Roshi, and I called one of the students over there, the one who translated Refining Life, Tom Wright. And I spoke to Tom Wright and he said, Uchiyama Roshi is too old to see anyone anymore and why don't you go to Fukushima Roshi in Kyoto. And all of a sudden a light went on for me.

[36:50]

That was the third time that I had heard the name. The first time I was sitting in a bath in Kyoto and a Japanese woman spoke to me and said, oh there's a wonderful resource here in town. And the second time was in the Zen Guide written by John Stevens. And so when he said the name of the third time, I said, oh, I must need to go there. And so when I went there and met the teacher and asked him if I could study with him, because I like traveling in Japan. And so I thought it would be nice to have a temple to practice at in Kyoto. It's a place Peter and I really love being together. He said, yes, of course, you can practice with me, but you need to do sashimi. I said, oh, really? Sashimi? Why not sashimi? So I said, so tell me about your sashimi. Well, they're from 3 to 11. And I said, well, how long are the periods? And he said, well, they're an hour. I said, well, what about the breaks between periods?

[37:53]

And he said, there are no breaks. So I guess a bell rings, and you know, and you start the next one. So I thought, well, this is going to be a little bit like Tongariro, you know. And so, but he was, they always make you more scared. I mean, they were, they were all, they were an hour, they were either 50 minutes or 100, an hour and 10 or 20 minutes, the periods. But there were breaks between them, you know, 10 minutes. And there were also, grace during the day after each meal. But after I had met with him, I had a very strong feeling about him as a teacher, and that persisted. And as I researched more and more about who he was, he's the Dharma heir of Shibayama, and he's very highly thought of in Japan, although not known over here. And I had a very strong sense that I wanted to practice with him.

[38:55]

So that's why I went to do the session and in the course of doing the session. I had an entrance interview and an exit interview, but I didn't get to do any dokes on, you know, I was like the newcomer. But I'm going back next week and maybe I'll get you two dokes on, in which case I will be getting formal on-site with you. That's why I'm doing it. Excuse me. Keido Fushimi. F-U-K-U-S-H-I-M-I. And he comes to America every year, but he doesn't go to any Zen centers, you know, those universities. And I think she may have all the same. Yes? Thank you for your talk. I'm curious about humiliation. I mean, I can understand that it's not good to feed the thing that's hungry, but is humiliation really good for something? It seems like... You're the doctor.

[39:56]

It's good for me. You may not need it. So you have to give yourself your own formula. And the same goes for, like, punching our neighbors if they're not talking. Yeah. Talk it over with your neighbors. If they really need it. You know, I'm totally humiliated by my appreciation of the practice of tofukuji because it doesn't agree with any of my politically correct ideas. So that's just another humiliation. So much for ideas. There's something kind of... How can we just be people and still let go of everything?

[41:05]

Have you tried? Oh, yeah. Well, just keep going then. I mean, there's no practice without human beings. And there's no human beings without being Buddha. So, you don't become inhuman in some way as you continue to deepen your practice. But is this just something So, you better throw it out too. You know, Eken Roshi, when he was here, he said, Zen destroys all concepts, even the concepts that there are concepts to be destroyed. So, you can throw that out too. Lofty maybe. And just let go of whatever you attach to. and see what you've become. Yukimura, she said also, non-attachment, non-attachment, everybody's always talking about non-attachment.

[42:11]

You wouldn't be human without attachment. Right. There's no way. On the other hand, we aim all the time to be free. But you could, did you all see the Terminator 2 where they have that wonderful space creature? that was made of that alloy, that liquid metal. And no matter how many times you blew him up, he recollected. It was kind of scary, but it was a wonderful metaphor for ourself. No matter how many times we throw it away, it still resurrects itself. So I don't think there's too much danger, James. I wasn't referring to danger. I want to know where the compassion is in all that.

[43:16]

It doesn't sound compassionate. It sounds very cold and parched. Excuse me. I ask for your forgiveness. If you experience the clutching for what it is, it's deeply painful. So the compassion is really there. of the pain, not only the pain that you cause others, but how deeply painful it is to yourself. Are you attached to your image as a priest? Yes. And Mel and I talked about that. When I met you one of my first sessions after I became a priest, I realized my great joy in wearing my robes. and my attachment and pride as a result of it. And I was totally humiliated. And when I talked to him about it, he said, see, I knew it.

[44:20]

That's why I made you wait so long. I told him, and I said, yes, but you also taught me that medicine and disease cure one another. And in my pride, and I realized that I still am quite proud. I can't see

[44:45]

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