Today is the memorial day of Maile Scott, who passed away, but I can't remember what year that was. Seven years ago. Seven years ago. So I want to talk a little bit about Maile. A good many of us knew Meili and practiced with her for many years. Meili started practicing in 1970 or 71 on Dwight Way when we had our Zendo on Dwight Way. Can you hear me back there? Is this thing on? Yes. Okay. Meili was a wonderful example of a person who totally devoted herself to practice.

[01:00]

And while cultivating her own practice, she shared herself with so many people and so many wonderful causes and was very dynamic and teaching and spreading the Dharma without being self-conscious, without really, she always made a big effort, but it was simply to do what she was doing. Maile was, when she came to practice, she was working in the youth, what we used to call reform school, with kids.

[02:09]

And she was a therapist and social worker. And little by little, she became more and more engaged in practice. And she led a pretty busy life with children and a husband. And her husband, Peter, wrote many books on, he was a professor at Cal, and he wrote many books on the JF Kennedy assassination. And Meili and Peter divorced after a while, and Meili became much more involved with the practice. Meili practiced at the same time as Fran Tribe. Many of you may remember Fran.

[03:11]

Fran and her husband Al were also very much involved in the practice and I practiced with them at Tassajara in the 60s together with Suzuki Roshi. When I had Dharma transmission in 1984 I had the permission to do Up to this time, we only had lay people, practitioners. When I had my dharma transmission, Fran wanted to be ordained as a priest, which was a big step in our practice, because that didn't happen before. I had ordained one person, but that didn't work out. And I was very reluctant to ordain Fram because there were some people, certain people who were really dedicated practitioners who were lay people, and I wanted those people to be examples for other people of holy practice.

[04:38]

And to ordain somebody, who is an exemplary lay person as a priest, people would wonder, well, maybe I should be a priest too. So, and Meili was totally against it. So, we had these two sides. Meili thought we shouldn't ordain somebody, especially Fran. And Fran really wanted to be ordained. So I was kind of in the middle of all this, wondering what to do. And finally, I decided that I would ordain Fran. and let the chips fall where they may.

[05:40]

It caused a lot of controversy in the Sangha, because there were these sides in the Sangha, and people think, well, how is that going to change everything? In the Sangha, if you make a little change, it really reverberates throughout the whole Sangha. And change is difficult, any little change. This is a big change. So I decided that I would ordain Fran. And we were talking about Meili, who was so much against it. And Fran said, in her wisdom, she's a very wise woman, she said, you know, why don't you ask Meili, suggest to Meili that she be ordained, see what happens. So I suggested to Meili, how would you like to be ordained?

[06:41]

She said, okay. This is not unusual. Michael Wenger, some of you know Michael Wenger, who was a very prominent priest at Zen Center in San Francisco, he had the same feeling. Michael, when I was abbot of San Francisco Zen Center, I was working with Michael, and I kept suggesting to him that, why don't you be ordained? And he kept saying, no, I don't want to, I want to be a layperson. And, but he was totally involved with practice. That was his whole life. And he was already a priest, except all he needed to do was do the ceremony and put on the robe, shave his head.

[07:42]

So one day I said to him, I'm going to Japan in a month or a week or something like that. And why don't you come with me and I'll ordain you at Rinzowin. In Japan. He said, OK. So we went to Japan. And when we got there, I told Horitsu, I want to ordain him here. And Horitsu said, no, you should take him back and ordain him at Zen Center, because that's where he belongs. I did. So anyway, Meili took to being a priest, and she went to Tassajara and practiced, and when she came back, she became very involved in social action, and she was always working for a cause.

[08:50]

And she was at the Concord Naval Station when all these trains, ammunition trains, were coming through. She was there every day and every night. She'd stay there overnight and the next day and for weeks on end. And she belonged to a group of people who were always looking for the right cause to deal with. there was a group in Arcata who invited her to come once a month to Arcata to lead a sitting. Now, in the 70s, I used to go to the North the far north of California, around that area.

[09:51]

And at that time, hippies who were tired of the Bay Area would go north because the anarchists all went north. And rugged individualists. And you could never get them together to do anything. Meili was the only person who could actually draw those people together to do something. And somehow she had this way or magic or whatever it was that allowed all those people who wanted to practice in that area to come together and actually form a sangha. Before that, nobody could do that. Nobody wanted to belong to anything, any organization. And finally, they persuaded her to go to Arcata, and that they would support her practice, and she could support their practice.

[11:06]

She bought a house there. And they had a garage and they fixed up the garage to make it into a beautiful zindo. And she had a really wonderful sangha practice going. And one day, she discovered that she had cancer. She was a very healthy person. She was vigorous, taking hikes. always active, eating the right food, and internal cancer. And Fran, I ordained Fran and Maile at the same time, which was interesting. And Fran also died of internal cancer before that. and Bailey passed fairly quickly after that.

[12:13]

And I remember how all that took place in Arcata, how we would go up to Arcata and we didn't know, you know, how long she had, but we knew it was really serious. At some point, she had to take to her bed. And the whole Sangha would come into her room and sit with her. And it was sitting day after day after day. And there was something wonderful about the whole process. You know, we have a mixed feeling about someone's passing.

[13:19]

It's... sad and we have all these strong feelings about missing this person and about their plight and at the same time there's a kind of resignation to this is the way things go, this is a process that is inevitable and my experience of it was very deep. And we would sit there and we'd watch her, we'd sit Zazen, and then she would be breathing, and then, you know, the person goes through various stages, and you think, well, maybe this is it.

[14:22]

And then they start breathing again. And this goes on day after day. And in this whole process, you begin to become one with the process of dying. But there's something liberating about this whole process. When she finally did pass away, It was just like one breath, and then the next breath, and then no breath. And it just felt like liberation. And it was like a mixed feeling of sadness and liberation. And when someone passes away like that, you just feel the whole room is full of that person. That person's spirit is everywhere.

[15:24]

So it's kind of uplifting as well as a downer. I had the same feeling when Suzuki Roshi died in the building at Bay Street, 1971. The whole room was filled, the whole building was filled with his spirit. There was some very liberating kind of feeling about it. We think about, as I was saying the other day, we usually think in terms of birth and death. But we also have to be able to think in terms of death and birth. Her death felt like a new birth to me. Suzuki Roshi's death felt like a new birth to me.

[16:30]

So it doesn't matter whether you start with birth and death or death and birth, pretty soon it's birth, death, birth, death, and it's kind of like a circle. Where do you start and where do you end? So Meili's passing was a very profound experience. And also her attitude was a big part of that. Even though she was not real conscious, there was some part of her that was aware and some part which was unaware at the same time. So she was a wonderful example, both in her life and in her death, of a dedicated practitioner and a priest.

[17:38]

Yeah, we still think of her. I wonder if anybody who knew her would like to say something about her. Any of you would like to say something? Laurie? I was thinking, I was having two sort of memories when we were talking. One is the way she seamlessly moved into any position in the sangha, lowest to highest. You know, I know we all have to think in terms of low and high, but she tirelessly talked, had practice discussion with people and with the tanto, and then she would sign up to cook and dishwash. I mean, it was just, it was And also, and this is sort of more of a thing I, a koan for me, she led a Dharma group, and I think this is similar to the situation where I came in some ways, the people in the Dharma group did not think she was doing anything.

[18:47]

do anything. They didn't know how to be together. And so there was this other side to it where she was so seamless that people didn't learn something. And I'm not criticizing her at all. She was wonderful. I mean, that was what she had learned how to do. But it's interesting. Anyway, I don't know if I could go on. Whatever needed to be done, she would do it. Washing the dishes, mopping the floor, cooking, giving a talk, having jokes, everything. It was all the same. When she died, the Aikido group kind of came apart in the same way. So she held things together in a certain way through her presence, but the continuation didn't happen after that, so that's an interesting thing to ponder.

[20:16]

I agree. Bob? there, and for any of you who aren't familiar with it, it's really a wonderful place to practice. And what Laurie was saying about just how seamless and the big space she had, I remember one time I was having talking to her and she really surprised me by saying, well, maybe you need to do less salsa.

[21:19]

And that was so wonderful. And actually that made it easy for me to do, to continue doing Zaza. There was just she did really promote and encourage people to do the homeless meal. And I want to extend that invitation to anyone who wants to partake of that, that it's still going on. I don't know if we still have a sign-up for it on the bulletin board. I put the next sign-up sheet up yesterday. Yeah, and I encourage anybody to do that. It's a great experience. I was there yesterday.

[22:25]

Anybody want to talk to me about it? Yeah, good. Malie was really one of the reasons why I came to this practice place in, I think, 1991 or something, when it was. Because I saw her at a demonstration in San Francisco at the Federal Building, an anti-war demonstration. And she's just a very, she's very, she's tall. I saw her as tall and regal in her bearing. She was there in her robes, in her priest robes, and she just was a very wonderful example. We were circumambulating the federal building and shouting or chanting, and then she also engaged in a sit-in on that day in front of the federal building.

[23:32]

I don't know if she got arrested that day or not. several times for doing civil disobedience. But it was just very inspiring. Her calm but fervent presence was very inspiring. And then I was, she started the socially engaged dharma group in the sangha, and I was part of that as well. And we were the ones that started feeding the homeless on Friday nights with her. And she was, looking back on it, she was the leader of that group, but as Lori said, it was, she led the group without, in any way, you didn't notice it. She was just there, we met at her house on Ashby. And just by her presence and wisdom, I think,

[24:35]

She would just help us try to talk about and figure out what socially engaged Buddhism is or isn't or even if it exists. It was very important for me and also I know for Melody as well. She was an important teacher. We had a ceremony here after her passing and some of her ashes are buried in the back by that little red tree there and right by the Jizo, one of those memorial rocks is hers. I was impressed with what Other people have said, too, that energy and the seamlessness, it just seemed like a force.

[25:38]

And what also impressed me was her ability to, I'm a little choked up, but not to, anyway, her acceptance of her personality and who she was in a way that I felt that there was a direct connection between myself and Meili, and that she accepted my foibles as she accepted her own in a way. I remember, I'm probably not doing it justice, but she was about to go to Tassajara to be, to receive Dharma transmission and get the brown robes with Alan. And I remember calling to her from the landing out here at the porch, I said, you know, do you know what to expect? And she said, no.

[26:39]

Because it seemed all mysterious to me, what goes on down there when that happens, you know. And I said, well, you know, you can bail any time. You can come back anytime. And she said, thanks. I know I can. So I just thought that was great. And then she was also, Before that, you know, the first skit I ever did for Skit Night, she and Howard were in it. And the way she just obeyed my direction on this thing. She was so cooperative and made it and understood. It was so fun. Anyway, really appreciated her. I'll never forget her. Sorry to dominate, but I was thinking too that we did not bring out... Her Zazen was amazing, incredible to be in the room with her when she was sitting, and she just liked that regal bearing, and there was just something very dynamic, and it enabled you to do it somehow when she was in the room.

[27:57]

I felt like the way we were talking, she was good on this socially engaged thing, I mean, it really came from something really quiet. When you said that she was not self-conscious, I had this image of... Do you remember when her sister from England came? And her sister was a nun in a... Her sister was the abbess of a... monastery in England. Right, and I think it was a silent practice or mostly silent and only women and very secluded. Her sister came here for a visit and she looked like a flying nun. She had one of those habits that, you know, it was really big around her face. And I remember maybe talking about walking She had one of her daughters and her elderly mother and that image of them walking together.

[29:07]

Her sister, she invited her sister to come here and give a talk one evening and her sister sat there and gave this talk and it was quite lovely. Maybe it was so at ease with the whole thing. And her mother I think was an atheist. How could I hug my two children? I knew of me very early on, and then for some years I was away from the mental health center. And I'm really sorry that I missed those years with homie because I wasn't around her. But what I remember strongly is this matter of fact cheerfulness. She was just always smiling, always cheerful, always so mad about that. And I remember a very early

[30:09]

When at some point, I don't know if it was a break or... Anyway, she said to me, I saw this cat walk across and it was just a cat. You know, when I think of women and Yeah. Yep. Brother. Hi. I remember maybe telling a story that she was with her husband at some formal dinner and champagne was poured and there was a woman attending and she reached into her purse and brought out this little quilted bag and there was a little whisk in there and she took the whisk out and she like found the

[31:24]

in the glass of champagne to arouse the bubbles or something. And Nellie said that when she saw that, she realized that this wasn't her life. That she had been in with her husband in the State Department or whatever the officious event was, that it was at that juncture that she realized that she had to do something different. And I was talking to someone yesterday, and we were talking about things arising in our life She came from an aristocratic background and letting go of that and all those opportunities that that afforded in order to let go of everything. I think her characteristic was letting go, over and over, just letting go, letting go, letting go until she finally was just herself, as we say.

[32:33]

Sojin, could you say something for Monday? There's going to be a special service for her. Oh, I didn't know. Why didn't you say that? Please. Well, on Monday, this Monday, there will be a service for Meili, a kind of a commemoration, and we'll recite her prayer. Oh, OK. Monday when? Morning. The usual service time. OK. Greg? It seems like I have to say so many things. I was very close to Mei-Li, or I felt very close to Mei-Li, and she was a formative part of my coming to BCC and coming to practice. And I do miss her quite a lot. And I just thought of one thing to say that hasn't been said already, that she was very smart.

[33:37]

She was a very smart person. It's a nice variation. I didn't know maybe, but I'm curious if you have a thought about why she was resistant to Fran and wasn't asking you herself and then when you suggested it.

[34:39]

I think it's a little complex, and I think that she was a little afraid of change at that time, and because we had such a strong focus on lay practice, and she really felt that was great, and it is. But Fran kind of took the lead. And then, I don't know what changed many of these mindings. I only have a speculation. So I'm not gonna talk about my speculation. Well, it is an example of letting go. Yeah, being able to let go of this strong opinion, and yeah, I agreed.

[35:45]

I heard her say once, this is what I've wanted to do my whole life, and now I can't. Well, I think also because her sister, you know, also was a nun, and I think that had some influence on her too, because growing up together, I'm sure they had some affinity with each other in that way, yeah. I realized all the things that have been mentioned about her, but also the fact that, you know, I don't know when she divorced her husband, but when I went through my divorce, she said, that's not that bad, is it?

[37:02]

Very likely. And then, a few years later, her husband married the woman And then she looked at me and told me, I know what you've been through. So she, she would spread the sadness about her marriage. Yeah, she wouldn't show it, but she had it. Yeah, right. Once a few years ago, well, Yeah, you, I guess on the same time of year, talked about Meili and you said that early in her practice, she just met the practice and right then and there said, I'm going to sit every day. That's it. Yeah, that's right. And I heard you say that. And then I think you said, and she did forever after. So, soon after that, yeah right, this is May, so soon after that in the summer I went for a week or so to Tassajara, and Hova made a memorial for a ceremony for Meili, and I went to that, and I was sort of considering making the same vow, and I was afraid, very afraid to speak, because people were speaking, but there were only about eight people in the

[38:29]

So I was very afraid to say it, because I thought it might not be true. And then I sort of got this rush of conviction, so I said it. I'm going to sit every day, even if it's only one minute before I go to sleep. But I'm afraid, but I'm still going to say this. And then I did it for, I don't know, a few years. And then I stopped. What would you say to me about that? Oh, you can always come back to do that. You can always return. That's what I would say. This is, you know, practice is not, except for some few people, practice is a kind of waxing and waning kind of thing. There are lean times and fat times.

[39:33]

And people go through that. So your intention was really good, and then you fill in lean times after a while. So now you can come back and continue doing that. Reinstate your, recharge your batteries. Well, I can tell you what she said to me. One year I was sitting in Rojas, I think that's the only time I've ever sat in a room like this. It was hard. I was staying over in the other house. There's a section of the living room up by the front window that I think of as mine. Of course, we weren't supposed to be talking at all, which I find very difficult. At some point, in some break on an afternoon, I managed to accomplish something.

[40:39]

It was something trivial. I don't remember what it was. And Maile was right there. And this is in the house. And I told her about it. I was all enthusiastic. And she said to me, I'm so happy for you. And this is my koan, because for years afterwards, I thought she was being sarcastic. I thought she was, you know, reprimanding me for talking and for bringing up this trivial thing and so forth, you know, and it's taken me a long time to realize she was happy for me. Yeah. That's true. Well... Don't you think there are times when you're practicing when you don't think you're practicing, but you are? Oh absolutely, most of the time.

[41:34]

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