I vow to tell you the truth and I vow to tell you the truth. Morning. Well, this is The first talk I've given since we began the aspects of practice period, which pretty much I stay out of the way. And this is a time when the practice leaders lead the practice, and I'm invited to give a talk. So I'm happy about that. I hope everything is going well for everyone. So, the talks have been on Suzuki Roshi's lectures from Not Always So, this book that we published.

[01:22]

And so I've been asked to give one of the talks on Suzuki Roshi's commentary on Suzuki Roshi's talk. So the one I'm going to talk about is what is entitled, Find Out for Yourself. So this is a very characteristic of Suzuki Roshi's practice. to find out for yourself, even though we all practice together in a certain way, with a certain kind of form, and we think we know what we're doing, and that we're doing all this together, but actually, each one of us is finding our own way. So, he says, barriers here.

[02:25]

He says, in your zazen, or in your life, you will have many difficulties or problems. When you have a problem, see if you can find out for yourself why you have a problem. Usually you will try to solve your difficulty in the best way as soon as possible. Rather than studying for yourself, you ask someone why you have a problem. That kind of approach may work well for your usual life, but if you want to study Zen, it doesn't help. So, usually, we do want to solve a problem. We usually want to resolve something that's bothering us. So we may seek some help or we look for the most expedient way to deal with it, to get rid of it. But that's usual.

[03:31]

But in Zen practice, if you really know how to practice, you realize that the problem you have has a deeper, usually has a deeper root. and it becomes a koan. Sometimes we say, well, in Soto Zen, we don't practice koans, but actually, we do practice koan. This is called, as I've said many times, our practice is Dogen's Genjo Koan, the koan that arises moment by moment in your life as your problem. So we usually want to resolve something by falling into one side or another. But to be able to hold a problem without falling into good or bad, right or wrong, or have or not have,

[04:46]

We use that problem to open up our consciousness, to open up our big mind, so that we don't just fall into a dualistic understanding of things. So every problem that we have can be a koan. and we have something that arises moment by moment. Sometimes people come and they say, they come to Dōkasan and they'll say, I don't understand, what do we do in Dōkasan? What kind of questions should I have? What should I do? So I have to let you know that whatever you come with, it doesn't matter what you come with. come with anything, but then we look at what you come with and find the koan, even though I don't tell you that's what's happening.

[05:54]

To find the koan within your problem, rather than, I don't try to resolve problems for people. That's not my work. I want to help you to see the root of your problem. to see how we can see our problem as our practice. When we see our problem as our practice, then our problem doesn't have the same quality, has a different quality, and we have some detachment from it. Detachment doesn't mean separation. simply means we can see it in a different way. It becomes more interesting. Our problem becomes a kind of interesting thing rather than an overwhelming thing.

[06:59]

Whenever, sometimes, when I was studying with Suzuki Roshi, and I would have a problem, I always had big problems, and I'd sit down with him and tell him about my problem. And then he would always give me something else, another problem. And then he would laugh. You say, oh, you came to me with a problem, and I just gave you another problem. I'm so sorry. And then we both laugh. And then I go away, and I knew that I was always practicing with him. I was always practicing with my teacher, whether I was here, Tassajara, wherever we were. Even if he was in Japan, I was always practicing together with him, because I had my koan. which is not exactly Mu, but Mu is a good basis for most go-ons. Sometimes, you know, if I give a student a problem, they don't like it.

[08:29]

And I'm sorry about that. But it's very important to give students one problem after another. And a student should be able to accept the problem, not complain about the problem. If you start to complain about the problem, you set yourself back. So the moment you are told something by someone and you think you understand, you will stick to it and you will lose the full function of your nature. When you seek something, your true nature is in full activity. As if you are feeling for the pillow, your pillow in the dark. This comes from an old koan. Feeling for your pillow is like, you don't know what the answer is, but you keep seeking for it.

[09:41]

If you know, if someone tells you the answer, you say, oh, now I know. But you don't know. You only know the answer. And the answer covers up knowing. If I say, I am Mel. You'll say, oh, I see, you're Mel. Now I know who you are. Names, naming something can be an impediment. As soon as we name something, we think we know what it is. Oh, this is a bench. So then we just forget about it. But it's not a bench. If you take what this is all the way to its root, you will see, yes, that it's not a bench. And when you really understand that it's not a bench, then you can accept the fact that it's, oh yes, this is a bench.

[10:43]

This is a platform, but it's not a platform. If I say, there is no you, You may not like that, but if you accept that there is no you and realize that there is no you, then you can accept, oh yes, this is me. So there's a difference between really knowing and just thinking you know. I remember one time, I was talking, and Suzuki Roshi was there, and I said, and we were talking about a place in Europe or someplace, some city somewhere, and I was starting to describe it, and he said, oh, have you been there?

[11:53]

And I said, no. He said, oh. So if you know where the pillow is, your mind is not in full function. Your mind is acting in a limited sense. When you are seeking for the pillow without knowing where it is, then your mind is open to everything. In this way, you will have a more subtle attitude toward everything, and you will see things as it is. It's like, have you ever been kind of lost, or you're hiking, in the mountains, and it suddenly gets dark, and then it gets darker and darker, and pretty soon you find yourself, you can't see anything, and you're on this trail, and you just kind of have to feel your way. Then you are in full function. All your senses and consciousness and your body is in every step of the way.

[13:01]

by any way. This is called Zen practice. If you want to study something, if you want to study something, it's better not to know what the answer is. Because you are not satisfied with something, you are told. I think he means that you are taught. And because you cannot rely on anything set up by someone else, you study Buddhism without knowing how to study it. It's a funny sentence. In this way, you find out for yourself what we really mean by Buddha nature, or practice, or enlightenment. Because you are not satisfied with something that you've been taught, and because you can't rely on what has been given to you as the truth, is what he means.

[14:09]

You study Buddhism without knowing how to study it. In this way, you find out for yourself. It's important to study Buddhism without knowing how to study it, is what he means. It's a very strange sentence. Do you know how to study Buddhism? No? That's good. You know how to study Buddhism? Oh yes, I know how to study Buddhism. Go wash your bowl. Nobody knows how to study Buddhism. We have to find out by ourselves how to study Buddhism. Even though there are many paths in Buddhism, And you may be on one of those paths. Still, you have to discover that path for yourself. You cannot rely on some special way.

[15:10]

Otherwise, you can't really find it yourself. That's why the Zen masters had koans, which would stop your idea of understanding and cut off that what you think you know. When I was in Japan a couple of years, some years ago, I was with a monk and I was visiting Ryutaku-ji. And it got to be evening, and I got a taxi, and the taxi took me to the train station. I think I've told you this story before. When I got to the train station, I took out my wallet to give the taxi driver his fare, and I left my wallet on my lap.

[16:19]

And when I got out, It dropped on the floor. And I closed the door and the taxi drove away. And I reached for my wallet and I, oh my gosh, you know. And then I looked around for that white taxi. All the taxis were white. And I looked, well what did that driver look like? And all the drivers looked exactly alike. And they were rotating in and out I'm picking up passengers and leaving them off. I have to get my wallet. I have nothing. No identification, no money, no nothing. And here I am in this strange city, strange bus station, train station, and I don't even know how to speak the language. But I have to find my wallet. So I just have to find my wallet.

[17:21]

I just looked around and it was like every blade of grass was distinct. And I looked around and looked around and there was a pool of taxis that parked in the center of this circle after they left people off. And I said, well, maybe I'll just go over there. So I went over there because the only taxis that were standing still And I thought, it's this one, this one, this one. And I looked at this one taxi driver and said, I started talking to him, but he didn't understand what I was talking about at all. And then when somebody saw me talking to him, he came over and this guy said, in English, what is it? What are you trying to say? And I said, well, I think I may have dropped my wallet in his cab. So we went around and opened the door and there it was on the floor. But it was, I had to do this, and I had no way of doing it.

[18:29]

I had no access to anything. I had no tools, nothing, except my determination to find this thing. And then my intuition popped in and took me right to that place. Very interesting. So this is kind of like reaching for the pillow in the night, not knowing where it is or how to deal with it. So then he says, if you seek freedom, you try various ways. Since you seek freedom, you try various ways to find it. Of course, you will sometimes find that you have wasted your time Now this is a very interesting sentence, or paragraph. If a Zen master drinks sake, you may think the best way to attain enlightenment is to drink sake. But even though you drink a lot of sake, as he does, you will not gain enlightenment.

[19:38]

You know, when I was a shuso at Tassajara in 1970, My shuso teacher was Tatsugami Roshi, and he used to smoke. He smoked all the time. That was his characteristic, smoking. People would bring him all kinds of cigarettes and stuff. And he smoked his little pipe. It was like a little opium pipe. It wasn't opium, but just a pinch of tobacco. And then he smoked that wonderful special tobacco, that pinch. It was two puffs. And that was a very elegant way to smoke. That was his favorite. People complained about his smoking, and he said, well, don't you know you can get enlightened through smoking? He died. So it may look like you've wasted your time doing that, but the attitude is important.

[20:41]

The attitude of, I'll try this out. You know, I'll try something out, even though it doesn't look right, I'll try it out anyway. He's saying that's good attitude, even though you shouldn't do those things. So it may look like you've wasted your time, but that attitude is important. If you continue to try to find out in that way, you will gain more power to understand things. Whatever you do, you will not waste your time. Sometimes we think that our life is a waste, People come to me sometimes and say, I've done so many, this and that, and it doesn't add up to anything in my life. I've wasted my whole life. But that's not true. Everything we do points in some direction. And actually, sometimes the more difficult and worthless seeming our life, when we actually turn around, the more benefit we have. When you see a criminal who has done really terrible things and realizes the worthlessness or the evil side of their life, and they're very repentant and contrite about it, and they turn around and they become wonderful people.

[22:05]

They attain some enlightenment. And that enlightenment is very strong because they know the other side. So that's why we should be very careful. I'm always very careful to kind of cultivate difficult people because it's very, difficult people are the most interesting in many ways. And their conversion is sometimes very dramatic and wonderful. There's this guy in prison now, I can't remember his name, but he's in the news, you know, who was a gang member and organized the Crips or something and killed a couple of people.

[23:10]

But he's turned around, his turnaround is so dramatic and helpful, and people still want to execute him. we should be honoring redemption rather than focusing on condemnation. You know, I remember Chogyam Trungpa. He used to drink a lot. He drank a lot. And his students drank a lot because he drank a lot. I don't know if Tsukuroshi was talking about him. I don't think so. This is before Trungpa arrived on the scene.

[24:13]

But I don't want to talk about Trungpa. But I just find it very interesting that I was invited up once to after a talk, Dharmadhatu, and I thought everybody was drinking glasses of water. But it was gin. This is a strange way to practice the Dharma, but I have no judgment about it. I just think it's strange. So anyway, when you do something with a limited idea or with some definite purpose, what you will gain is something concrete. That's what we usually do. We do something with purpose and we want a result. This will cover up your inner nature. So it is not a matter of what you study, but a matter of seeing things as it is and accepting things as it is.

[25:21]

So the purpose of our Zen practice is a little different than our usual purpose when we do something. We simply want to see things in a real way. We're not so interested in concrete results of our effort. The concrete result of our effort is to be able to see clearly things just as it is. So sometimes, some of you may study something only if you like it. If you don't like it, you ignore it. That is a selfish way, and it also limits your power of study. Good or bad, small or big, we study to discover the true reason why something is so big and why something is so small, why something is so good and why something is not so good. If you try to discover only something good, you will miss something and you will always be limiting your faculties.

[26:27]

When you live in a limited world, you cannot accept things as it is. So I think he's talking here about picking and choosing and partiality. We do something on the basis of partiality or the basis of wanting just to see the good. But we also have to see what's not so good and accept what's not so good, especially about ourself. And accept what's not so good about someone else. Each one of us is both good and bad. And we see, sometimes we see the good part of somebody and then we see the bad side of somebody. And so then we get caught by the good side or the bad side. But we have to be able to accept the whole thing. Otherwise, we can't see the whole person, and we can't see things as it is.

[27:29]

So we may get angry at someone, and we may have problems with someone, but at the same time, we have to accept both sides, or all sides. and not create judgments based on like and dislike. That's to really see things as it is. I may not like what somebody's doing, or I may like what they do, but that has nothing to do with my acceptance of that person. So good and bad side, reconciling the good and the bad side, that's the go-on. How do I accept this person given that I see the good side and see the bad side, so-called?

[28:34]

We just name them good and bad. So even if a Zen master has just two or three students, he would never tell them our way in detail. It's usual in the practice that we have inherited that the teacher does not tell the student much in detail. I remember I had a good friend who was studying with Niwa, Noiri Roshi. Noiri Roshi and Niwa Roshi were two prominent monks who died in the 90s. Well, Noiri Roshi is still alive. But their teacher said to Niwa Roshi, you be the public face of the Soto school.

[29:46]

And he said to Noiri Roshi, you be the monastic face. And they took those roles. And Nori Roshi had a few disciples, and his practice was that they would never know what he was going to do next. And he would always surprise them and always give them some difficult practice. And they never knew what he was going to do. So they were always on their toes. Kind of like the story of a sword master in Japan. And the student would never know when the sword master was going to turn around and do something with his sword. Very similar kind of practice.

[30:48]

They never knew what their teacher was going to do next. And he always kept them on their toes. And they were never to complain. And they always appreciated that practice. So even if a Zen master has just two or three students, he would never tell them our way in detail. This is very typical Japanese Soto Zen practice. And Suzuki Roshi's practice was very subtle. He never really told you what to do. He always hinted at what you were supposed to do or suggested something. You had to read him. So in order to be his student, you just had to read him, read his mind, actually.

[31:51]

and read his body, read the way he did things. So he says, the only way to study with him is to eat with him, to talk with him, and do everything with him. And you help him without being told how to help him. So mostly, he may not seem to be very happy and will always be scolding, you without any apparent reason. Very typical. And then you get up all excited and worried. It's all a challenge to ego. This kind of practice is always challenging your self-centeredness and your ego. And then you can see how your anger comes up, how your resentments come up, how all this comes up, and how you have to deal with that.

[33:01]

And you're always faced with how to deal with your ego, constantly. So because you cannot figure out the reason, you will not be so happy. and he will not be so happy. If you really want to study with him, you will study how to take care of him and how to make your life with him a happy one. That's interesting. You know, when a Japanese teacher comes to America with his students, maybe four or five students, the students are just doting on him all the time, taking care of every little detail of his life. I don't want you to do that with me. I don't particularly like that. But it is a way. It's a very good way because that's how the students are learning.

[34:07]

They're learning the body of the teacher. The way the Dharma is transmitted is through that intimacy. And when you learn how to take care of somebody, You have to let go of everything. You have to let go of your own concerns. It's like being a nurse or a doctor or something. You don't worry about your own concerns. You just take care of people. That's how you make yourself happy. As soon as we start worrying about ourselves, we can become unhappy. The best way to stop worrying about yourself is to worry about somebody else. Take care of somebody else. So you may say that this way of practice is very old-fashioned.

[35:12]

It may be so, but I think you had this kind of life in Western civilization too, although not exactly as we did in Japan. It's kind of like apprenticeship in a way. I think he's talking about apprenticeship, because the students become like apprentices in a way. They're always working together with the teacher. This is very ideal, you know, to have a small where 10 or 12 students are working with a teacher, and they're day in and day out, and they're all working together. This is the nice thing about Tassajara, about monastic practice, is that all day long, everybody's working together and taking care of each other. And you have that opportunity to relate. If it was, when it's smaller, it's even more intimate. You don't need so many rules. You don't need so much formality. So the reason why people had a difficult time with their teachers is that there is no particular way for us to study.

[36:24]

Each one of us is different from the other, so each one of us must have our own way, and according to the situation, we should be able to change our way. You cannot stick to anything. The only thing to do is to discover the appropriate way to act under new circumstances. So we do expect something. We expect that we'll all act in a certain way, but when we deviate from acting in the same way, we think there's something wrong. You're not doing it the way I expected you to. I remember Suzuki Roshi one time, several times. You know, the pattern is so formal in the zendo. And you expect your teacher to be very formal, but sometimes he'll be totally informal. Instead of walking in the pattern, he'd just walk across the pattern in order to wake people up.

[37:30]

Or when I was his jisha, he'd walk in the cabin and just drop his robe on the floor. And I was like, why did you do that? Because he was just expecting me to pick it up. And then one time I came into his room and he prostrated himself in front of me. And then he stood up and he said, what's the matter with you? When I bow to you, you should bow to me. Oh, okay. But I didn't pick up, you know, I was too stunned to pick up on what he was trying to do. So I felt very embarrassed, you know, of course, God, you know, he's bowing to me. So when If a teacher does something different, you should be able to adjust and not say, oh, you're doing something wrong.

[38:55]

Just adjust to the situation. So practice is to be able to adjust to every situation. That's what the practice is. That's what he's teaching. That we expect something, but things don't happen the way we expect them to happen. we should be able to change and adjust to a situation as it happens. There's no fixed way. There's no fixed rules. Even though we set up a way and we set up rules and we think they're fixed. So he says, for instance, in the morning we clean. That's like after Zazen, we clean. We don't have enough rags or brooms. If we don't have enough rags or brooms, it is almost impossible to participate in our cleaning. Under these circumstances, it is still possible to figure out something to do.

[39:57]

I don't scold you very much, but if I were a strict Zen master, I would be very angry with you because you give up quite easily. Oh no, there's not much cleaning equipment, or oh, there's nothing for me to do. You are prone to think this way and easily give up. In such a case, please try hard to figure out how to practice. If you are very sleepy, you may think it's better to rest. Yes, sometimes it is better, but at the same time, it may be a good chance to practice. So when I was at Eheji assisting my teacher, he did not tell us anything, but whenever we made a mistake, he scolded us. The usual way to open a sliding door is to open the one on the right. But one time, when I opened it that way, I was scolded. Don't open it that way, not that side. So the next morning, I opened the other side and got scolded again. I didn't know what to do. Later, I found out that the day I opened the right side, his guest was on the right side, so I should have opened the other side.

[41:01]

But opening the door, I should have been careful to find out which side the guest was on. So the day I was appointed to serve him, I gave him a cup of tea. Usually you fill 80% of the cup, since that is the rule. I filled 80% or 70% and he said, give me hot tea. Fill the cup with very hot, strong tea. So the next morning, when there were some guests, I filled all the cups with hot, strong tea, almost 99% and served them. I was scolded. Actually, there is no rule. He himself liked hot, bitter tea filled to the brim. But almost all the guests didn't like hot, bitter tea. For him, I should serve bitter, hot tea. And for the guests, I should offer tea the usual way. So he never told us anything. When I got up 20 minutes earlier than the wake-up bell, I was scolded. Don't get up so early. You will disturb my sleep. Usually, if I got up early, it was good.

[42:07]

But for him, it was not so good. When you try to understand things better without any rules or prejudice, this is the meaning of selflessness. You may say that something is a rule, but rules are already a selfish idea. Actually, there are no rules. So when you say, this is the rule, you're forcing something like the rules on others. So rules can cover our intuition. If we just get rule-bound, we depend on the rules instead of depending on ourselves. You know, when you walk a dog on a leash, the leash is not to hold the dog.

[43:09]

The dog should be wanting to walk with you. You only use the leash to correct the dog. So it looks like you're, you know, holding the dog, but actually the dog is just walking with you on their own because they want to walk with you. using their own volition. And you only use the leash to say, don't do this or don't do that. It's the same thing. Rules are like a leash. But you don't want to just do something because of the rules. You do something because you want to do something. And the rules just help you to not stray, to correct you. give you some way to do something. But the motivation should not come from the rules.

[44:11]

It should come from because you want to do something. So you feel free within the rules. If you're doing it just because of the rules, then you feel bound by the rules. So you should have this freedom within rules, within the way we do something. So rules are only needed when we don't have much time, or when we cannot help others more closely in a kind way. To say, this is the rule, so you should do it, is easy. But actually, that is not our way. For the beginner, maybe, instruction is necessary. But for advanced students, we don't give much instruction. And they try out various ways. If possible, we give instruction to people one by one, because that is difficult, we give group instruction or a lecture like this. But don't stick to the lecture. Think about what I really mean.

[45:11]

Don't stick to, Suzuki Roshi always say, don't stick to what I say. You don't have to hear what I say, just sit there and listen. Just sit zazen while I'm talking to you, or while I'm talking. I feel sorry that I cannot help you very much, but the way to study true Zen is not verbal. Just open yourself up and give up everything. Simple. Whatever happens, whether you think it is good or bad, study closely and see what you find out. This is the fundamental attitude. Sometimes you will do things without much reason, like a child who draws pictures, whether they are good or bad. If that is difficult for you, you are not actually ready to practice zazen. Suzuki Roshi very rarely gave a reason for doing anything. He would just say, this is just the way we do it.

[46:14]

People would say, well, why do we do that? I don't know. He'll say, oh, I don't know why. We just do it, just do it. And we think, well, that's not very good. I need a reason for doing something because I'm a rational human being. But we have to give up a little bit of our rationale in order to allow ourself to be moved. The whole point is to let go. We cannot move unless we let go. So this is what it means to surrender, even though you have nothing to surrender. Without losing yourself by sticking to a particular rule or understanding, keep finding yourself moment after moment. This is the only thing for you to do.

[47:16]

So my comment here is, you just do the best you can without knowing anything or without knowing how. You know, when someone, best way, when someone enters practice, We all enter practice having lived various lengths of time and having done various things in our lives and having acquired various skills and prestige and various, been acknowledged in various ways and have some idea about ourselves. But best way to enter practice is just drop everything. None of it counts.

[48:24]

We have nothing in the bank. And then we start from there. That's best way, but it doesn't always work out that way. but that is the best way. You know, when you enter the monastery, you sit zazen for five days without any breaks. This is how you come clean into the monastery. It's like, you still may have some residue, but When you come out of that, you feel very new, very fresh, and you can start in a very fresh way to practice. Not leaning on anything that you've learned or that you know. Not depending on anything.

[49:36]

Simply depending on your practice right now. We've gone over the time a little bit. But if you have one question... I remember you. Well, maybe you don't remember who I am. That's right. I agree. It sounds like this is the way always to go. What we think is so is not always so. So sometimes it's better to operate according to Yes, that's right.

[50:40]

So the other side is to operate through the procedures that are set up, right? Absolutely. So that's your great koan. How do you find your freedom within that restriction of following the rules and regulations and the way things are set up to find vast freedom within that restriction. That's your koan. Koan of practice is how do you find great freedom within restricted circumstances, following the way, following the path. and at the same time finding your total freedom. So zazen itself is the most restricted posture that we have. There may be more extreme ones in some way, like putting your feet behind your neck or something, but that's not the point.

[51:44]

The point is it's very restricted practice, posture, and to find your total freedom within that restriction. And that's the koan of Zazen. Without giving up one side or the other. and beings are neverless.

[52:35]

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