I vow to face the truth of the Tathagata's words. and left Green Gulch four years ago to work as a priest in the world, holding meditation workshops for health care and hospice workers, community health nurses, and women and women with HIV. So welcome to CAP. It's nice to see you. Thank you. Good morning to you. It's very nice to be here, see some old friends. and some new faces. This little cloth which has been covering my sutra books and my talking notes has been with me almost the entire time I've been practicing.

[01:13]

And it means to me, this is the essence of our practice, it's a covey of quails. And I feel as though the Berkeley Zen Center, whoop, the Berkeley Zen Center group has always been a part of my covey of quails, even though my primary practice has been at Green Gulch Farm and with the three San Francisco Zen Center practice places. So it's nice to be here. Do you want to take the black book away? Probably. Not my quails though. This is probably better. Sitting in silence together again and again is our simple practice. In the quiet and simplicity we learn to be as present as possible

[02:23]

for all that comes we become more present open flexible and kind we learn the value of enduring practice not turning away but learning to stay We are meaningfully connected to the teachings of the Buddha and share these teachings as our lives move out of the Zen Do and into our world of families, work and community. We willingly engage each other in community building. We need to remember that all of our personal efforts to live humanly in this chaotic world are never wasted.

[03:30]

We need to remember that all of our personal efforts to live humanly in this chaotic world are never wasted. In Zazen we study the sutras of our lives and then we use our understanding to benefit others. The center of Soto Zen practice has always seemed to me to be receptivity, the posture of openness, developing the ability to reach directly into our hearts and minds and the hearts and minds of others with warmth, and compassion. Through this practice we become aware of the ever-changing impermanence of all things.

[04:35]

And then what? Do we ignore impermanence? That was my experience for a long time. I came to practice after about 20 years in the healthcare field, which was becoming more and more like a roller coaster. And I came to sit quietly in the Zendo, and my question at the time was, what is death? That's what the question was at the time, but I think it was more accurately, What is impermanence? Do we continue to attach or cling to impermanent objects? Ignoring impermanence is like chewing gum too long. Do you know how that feels?

[05:40]

It's like most of us don't really chew gum anymore. But I can remember this feeling of chewing gum too long. The flavor's gone, it's gotten hard, but you're still chewing it. I don't know why. So there's that way of being with impermanence. Or we can also see impermanence and respond by feeling the loss and the sadness and the grief. that this brings. Recently, a hospice worker asked me, what is true comforting? What is true comforting? This is a good question. And what it did for me was sort of give me a panoramic view

[06:47]

of my life and understanding of what that meant from when I was a baby nurse at 17 in the Los Angeles County General Hospital with 4,000 sick people to now, some 50-something years later, with a long career of health care and practice. How do I answer this question now? What is true comforting? My answer after reflection was being completely present while holding the view of impermanence. being completely present while holding the view of impermanence.

[07:56]

That's a different answer than I would have given a long time ago thanks to practice. How would you answer this question now in your own life? What is true comforting? The Buddha taught that our inclination to see things as either something or nothing comes out of our clinging for certainty. Our Buddhist practice is the middle path between something and nothing, where we learn to rest more easily in our own awareness and intuition and our growing understanding in the instability and flux and flow of all phenomena. Behind every suffering is a desire for things to be different than they are.

[09:04]

With practice we begin to allow and be more accepting of what's really happening. And then from that place act with compassion. In the hospice situation, we stay close and present. We follow the person who is dying. They lead the way. Silent presence, openness, Sound familiar? My experiences the last four years since I've left Green Gulch have been with those people working with patients and clients in the health care field, community health workers, hospice workers,

[10:18]

nurses. And I feel very connected to their place, their place of coming to practice, because that's what happened to me. And for me, coming to practice was the refreshment that allowed me to stay in the stream of giving and serving after this burnout phase that I had had. So I feel very connected to this kind of work now with the people who come. But the challenge got a little deeper about two years ago when my own mother became very ill and was home in Ventura. and required or actually we arranged for hospice services for her at home.

[11:22]

So after years of serving others, my own mother said, Patty, I need you now. Will you come home? So like most of us who are living usually cities or states or countries away from our primary families, This was a journey of returning home as an adult to be with the mother who in many ways had become the child. This year and a half was probably the most challenging time I've had in this lifetime. and without practice would have been a very different experience for all of us, my whole family and myself. It was a time of actually great joy and coming together and a time of great difficulty.

[12:32]

She began with this closeness that we had, she began to ask me all about Buddhism and Buddhist practice and what it meant to me. And for years, with her Christian background, she would say frequently to me, Patty, if you want to pray, why don't you just go to church? So this was kind of a coming together in a different way about Buddhist practice. giving your mother's asan instruction giving your mother's asan instruction and then sitting with her in the last year of her life and then as her coma deepened I don't know where this came from but one day I decided to do

[13:43]

a one-day sitting in her home. I'd never done a one-day sitting without a lot of people. So I sat in her room on the carpet and did k'in-k'in from her room into the living room and back. And I did a whole one-day schedule About halfway through the sitting, she awakened and said, I want to sit up with you. So I helped her sit up in the bed with pillows and propped her, and she sat upright following her breath. And we did that for about two hours together.

[14:45]

I tried to say to her that I would be following, I would be breathing with her through this whole process. And, which is what something else that I do when I'm sitting with someone who is ill, following their breath, breathing with them. These times and moments became very precious and there was a way of letting go that became more harmonious for both of us. Then when the other family members would come, they started to join us. it's possible to take our practice wherever we want to take it.

[15:54]

When we said goodbye finally and went back to our home and gave many of her things away. The family and I did the procession within her home that we do at our Zen centers. When we open or close a practice period, we had flowers and incense and a bell, and we walked into each room of her house, and each member of the family spoke in each room and said something about the memories they had had in that space, the time they had had with her, what had happened, anything they wanted to say, even the little children were with us. We can take our practice and our ceremonies wherever we want to.

[17:18]

This was quite a joy for me, actually, to be able to be with my mother in this way, the end of her life. And I'm not sure that I would have been able to do that 30 years ago. I've learned kind of a willingness to stay in an uncomfortable feeling when there's nothing else to be done and I actually think that's the cornerstone of practice the willingness to stay in an uncomfortable feeling when there's nothing else to be done striving to get rid of pain only reinforces it Accepting the truth deepens our capacity for patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and a caring, loving way.

[18:35]

Obstacles, of course, to our peace of mind seem to be everywhere now. Our refuge, the cushion, our practice, and our growing awareness and our ability to respond more appropriately and effectively which grows out of that practice. The phenomena of the world just keep on dissolving, don't they? All formations literally just keep breaking up This is the true state of the world and through zazen we see this a more profound kind of feeling for this and a kind of an equanimity about this can develop. We sit here in the essential instability of all things

[19:47]

So many words. But also really just a few. I was kind of reflecting. So many words when I was writing this. And I decided to try something. One word. Try one word for all this stuff. You ready? Trust. Relax. Play. Create. Understand. Liberate. Benefit. backwards, benefit, liberate, understand, create, play, relax, trust, sit,

[21:34]

Thank you for listening. May we continue our practice together and may our lives be dedicated to the unfolding of peace. And now I'd be happy to have some questions or have a discussion with you, hear your comments your own experiences and some of the things I've been talking about. Yes? I think it was very touching to hear you talk about your mother. I'm very touched. Thank you.

[23:00]

Yes, we practice to maybe become more aware of everyone's path and maybe become more accepting of all the different paths that we're surrounded by. the harmony comes I think when the diversity that we all swarm in actually can be what it is but we can still be fully expressed ourselves so we can allow the diversity around us and fully express our way It's very interesting. The most challenging thing, I think, about diverse situations is that you're so close, actually.

[24:02]

The ones that you're so close to are the most challenging. There's the least difference going on, and it's the most challenging. That's how I feel about it. Yes? You mentioned in the beginning there are many ways that going home was very difficult. It was a very difficult experience. And I was expecting that you would, I was thinking that you were gonna talk about, you know, like irritations and things, like rediscovering strife with your siblings or with your mother. And I was wondering if that, and you just brought it up again, talking about the similarity. Right. And if that happened, How did you deal with that? The way it manifested in our kind of noisy Italian family was that we each have a way of viewing sort of how to do it.

[25:15]

and the challenge for the sisters and the brothers-in-law was how can we allow each other to go through the grieving process in the way that each person does and not be judgmental about it, not want them to do it our way and most of all to actually come together so that we could follow our mother and not be putting our way on our mother. So that was the main challenge. It wasn't that we didn't have a family that was disconnected, but even the close connection when we all came together to be in this situation, we all had different responses and different ways of wanting it to go. And some of us were more allowing of the letting go process earlier on than others.

[26:20]

Some held on until after it was over and in a way that was her way. So for me, what practice has given me, I think, is that the ability to sit in that kind of situation and allow people to be who they are. You know, it's the greatest gift we can give someone else is to let them be who they are. And for me it was particularly challenging because I thought, oh, I have all this hotshot medical knowledge, you know, and I could tell my sisters what to do and, you know, the doctors and, you know, all this stuff. So it was particularly, and then sometimes for me, it was like, you know, I'm embarrassed to tell you that, but inside there's like, I have this medical knowledge, you guys, me, you know, I'm right here.

[27:28]

But I'm also the sister and the daughter and the, you know, So, you know, it was a wonderful practice for me, a humbling practice, to just have them go around that and, you know, ask the experts. And in the beginning, I kind of resisted that a little bit. I thought, oh, they're not using this. They're not using what I know. And then I let it go. I let it go. So it's that, those kinds of things. Yes? Just to follow on with what you were just saying about allowing people to be who they are, it seems like when you have someone who's close to you who's dying, it's such a practice in letting someone be who they are, because that's one thing that they know that you don't know.

[28:29]

You really have no choice but to follow them and let them be who they are, so it's a great lesson and a great practice. And I appreciate your comment about that because I've gone through it before and I'm actually going through it again now. And it really is the best advice. Your definition of comfort. Very good. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Hi Beth, nice to see you. Hi, nice to see you. You mentioned, you said that you define true comforting as being present while holding the idea of emptiness. The view. The view of emptiness. Impermanence. Impermanence. Yes, impermanence. Thank you. And my take on that was a little bit like, well, if you're completely present, then you don't have a view.

[29:33]

You could, that's true. But I, it's true what you're saying. And I think when I'm completely present, I'm not thinking about philosophy, for sure. But I would say that this view of impermanence informs my presence now. And so that's why I said it that way to that person. Because for me, it was an addition to my experience. you know, the view of impermanence is more informing of my practice now. My life is more informing of my life now. I, you know, my Buddhist name is Dharma Heart of Birth and Death. And when I first went to the San Francisco Zen Center, I think I was about 45 or 40, something like that, and been working as a nurse for a long time. All of a sudden, one day, I just thought, what is death anyway?

[30:45]

It was like that. It wasn't a heavy question. It was just like, right here. And I thought, at one point, I thought, why is everybody walking around and not talking about this? You know, it's like when you have a baby, or when you want to have a baby. I think it's more like that. When you want to have a baby and you walk down the street, you see babies everywhere. Well, I was walking around in the world and thinking, why are people asking this question? It was like, whoa! So I went to the San Francisco Zen Center and I sat down. And I think the real question, as I said, was really probably what is impermanence? But I didn't have that word even. I didn't even know that word. Yes, Alan? In conjunction with phrases, Katagiri wrote these books.

[31:48]

His first book was Returning to Silence, and his second book was You Have to Say Something. And my experience in these kind of situations you talked about is that within that silence there are myriad decisions and choices that have to be made, and things you have to and try to understand what a person who is very sick or a person who is dying, what are they requesting? How do you follow? Do they need to eat? When do they need to eat? When do they need to drink? When is it good to help them take a walk? Things like that. I wonder if you could think those are, these are the next They have to decide, but you have to do it as well. And I just wonder what your experience was. My experience has been that I needed to get out of the way.

[32:55]

Maybe that was me. Maybe that was the nurse who did things, who created interventions, who was curative, who was altering the course, who was directing the flow. So, you know, after you work in a certain pattern for a long time, that becomes really embedded. It did for me and who I was. And I had to kind of unlearn all of that. And I did that really in practice. Because practice is totally the opposite. Now, with the patient, of course, there are times when you can see that something needs to be done that hasn't come up yet, or they haven't been able to express it or something like that, and so you find a way to say it. But in general terms, I still think the notion, if you can just feel the experience of following rather than leading, it's more helpful.

[34:06]

It's more helpful to the situation because you're actually trying to ease this path for the person, and that might mean doing some things. Of course it means doing some things. Yeah, sometimes what I might do is gently ask, but try to make sure that my own discomfort or preference is out of the way. Yeah, I think checking that is very good. Who's in the way here? Is anything in the way here? And is it me? That's all. It's a balance. It's finding the balance. But it's also really kind of letting go of the reins. Yes.

[35:08]

I thank you too for your talk. I went through this with my brother not so long ago, and I seem always to learn things. It takes once before I get it, at least. So there's always the sense of learning too late to be as useful as I would like to have been. But I was astonished at the desire right up to the last moment to turn away. And how that interferes with the ability simply to be with someone. And what enormous comfort comes just to be with them and hold their fear. But that means being able to hold your own. And really accepting how utterly powerless we are. So the other thing I thought at the end of the process is what an enormous gift the person departing gives.

[36:23]

To everyone. Yes. And so do you. The lifelong learning process that I think we're all involved in is a wondrous thing. And we also have to drop the notion that it's ever too late for anything. Because it's really no such thing, too late, too early. Not really, you know, just this is what's happening now. I learned this lesson. That's what I love about zazen practice. It feels like lifelong learning. Imagine if everyone did it in the whole world how different it would be this openness Well, it's 11 o'clock.

[38:10]

Someone must have known. Thank you very much.

[38:14]

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