I vow to chase the truths of others, but to tell the truth. Morning. Morning. Well, what I was thinking about today was composure. One of the characteristics of Zazen is composure. Composure is, I think, related to integrity, in the sense of integrity means integrated. All of a piece. All the parts belong to the same piece. And composure is its manifestation.

[01:03]

When there is integrity, then there is composure. It's the ability to keep it together, to stay integrated and at ease actually. There's a feeling of being at ease in various situations. So in Zazen, our composure is being at ease within the difficulty. No matter what kind of difficulty there is, there's always composure. Or no matter what's happening, there's always composure, which is the container or which is able to be flexible enough to expand and contract and take the shape

[02:23]

that's needed, that's necessary, from moment to moment. I think maybe composure is like water. Water has no shape, but it will mold itself to any shape. So, water has composure. because it's not rigid. There is a rigidity which looks like composure, which is actually a counterfeit of composure. It looks like, you know, because it's stiff and has a shape. And we can look composed

[03:25]

We can pull that off sometimes, but when something comes along and knocks it off its balance, it loses it. So true composure actually is being able to find the balance, being flexible enough to find the balance moment after moment. And when there's a problem, to respond to the problem with a cool mind. Often we become upset emotionally when something throws us off. And to be able to respond with a cool mind, to catch ourselves, you know, to catch our balance. too preoccupied, if our mind is too preoccupied, then we don't have the presence to do that.

[04:43]

Or if we have some rigid idea about how to do something, as soon as we encounter a big problem, we don't know what to do because of our inflexibility. So the bottom line, actually, for Zazen is flexibility, which is the determining factor for composure. And what we look for, actually, in a Zen student, is flexibility and composure. Often, you know, when people come to Dokusan, when people come to Dokusan for the first time, they don't know really what to expect.

[05:53]

It's quite interesting. And People have various states of composure when they enter the room. And so some will say, I don't know what to do here. What do we do? I'm a little bit frightened or apprehensive or something. And so I try to make them relax. And if someone comes in and feels that is acting a little bit superficial, then I try to get serious with them. But the way a person approaches is very important. And I always notice how people approach in dokusan.

[06:59]

It tells me a lot about where everybody is, much more so than talking to them. If you really know how to bow, you can do that. That's right. If you can really express it, That's all you have to do. Sometimes people will enter and before they even sit down, they've got the spiel all out there. Or while they're sitting down, they're talking already. And sitting down is just a vehicle for the talking.

[08:03]

But actually, the way a person enters, the way the person meets me, the way they meet the cushion, the way they sit down and compose themselves, tells me so much about their state of mind. And then we sit down and talk. And sometimes that's meaningful and sometimes it's not. Sometimes people are overly formal. That's the other side. Sort of mechanical or paying too much attention to how they do something.

[09:14]

That's not so natural. We should ultimately just be natural. when we walk, when we carry something, we should just be natural. But there's a certain kind of composure which expresses something, expresses freedom, expresses true naturalness. We may say everything I do is natural because I just do it the way I feel like it. But that's not necessarily natural. Sometimes we feel that if something isn't formal, that it's natural.

[10:29]

My natural way of doing things But our natural way of doing things is sometimes ignorant. It ignores things. And it's just based on self-centeredness. True composure is not based on self-centeredness. It's based on respect for everything. It's based on selflessness, flexibility, respect, confidence, and fearlessness.

[11:35]

and the feeling that it's okay not to know anything. So actually this practice is the practice of... I don't want to say learning composure because learning composure is not something that you do. You don't learn composure. But you practice composure. And even though

[12:55]

we may not have perfect composure, we should practice as if we did. By practicing with awareness of composure, you see where you are at with composure. You know, you sit at five o'clock in the afternoon in Sishin and your legs are killing you and your back hurts but yet you sit very calmly with composure even though one part of your mind is telling you to get up and run out of the zendo you sit with composure and flexibility. And that's true composure, because composure, it's easy to have composure when everything's going nicely, you know.

[14:14]

It's easy to be at ease when everything's going nicely, but when you're pressed to the very bottom of your ability, That's when you need to have your composure. That's the test of your composure, your flexibility, and your integrity, and your willingness to see something through. In Zen practice, we talk a lot about emptiness and form. A lot of heady ideas, right? But that's really not where it's at.

[15:19]

Zen practice is how you embody practice. how you embody what you're doing with composure and integrity and the ability to stay with something and to do something over and over. And no matter how discouraged you are, you continue. whether things are going well or not going so well, or whether you want to jump out of your skin, or whether you love being in your skin, to just continue with those qualities. That's Zen practice. The rest is about Zen practice. Talking about form and emptiness is about Zen practice.

[16:21]

But the actual practice is Zen practice. How one conducts oneself under all circumstances is a test of practice. How we take charge of things instead of letting emotions and thoughts and feelings run us in the face of wanting to do something Retaliatory, we maintain our composure, our flexibility. In other words, when we need to get big, we get big. And when we need to get small, we get small. And when we need to take this shape, we take that shape. And when we need to take this shape, we take that shape.

[17:23]

It's just like water. Zen practice is the practice of water. One of my students once asked me, what is your practice? And I said, my practice is the practice of water. Water takes the shape of whatever vessel it fills. And then when it goes into another vessel, it takes that shape. It doesn't have a shape of its own. It's empty. If you observe water, you will understand the meaning of emptiness. And the meaning of form is emptiness. And emptiness is form. The Sixth Patriarch says, if you just don't let your emotions run you, if you don't give in to anger, retaliation, revenge, justification, you'll be practicing the way

[19:02]

Very hard to do. It's simple, but it's very hard to do. To stay within your own integrity. But anyway, about composure, we should think about composure when we serve meals to each other, and when we are served meals, when we carry the Buddha tray to the altar, how we hold things, and how we treat objects. when you come into the zendo with a bundle you walk over to your seat and put the bundle down and put everything in order then you bow rather than coming over with a bundle and holding the bundle in one hand and bowing with the other hand and not knowing how to handle things

[20:34]

That's not composure. Composure is like knowing what to do first, and what to do second, and then what to do next. Then you feel like you're together. So when we bow to somebody with something in our hands, you bow the body. You don't have to hold your hands like this and then bow like that. in some funny way. That's not composure. There's always a way to find your composure, no matter what you're doing. And if we do one thing at a time, that's the key. The key to composure is just doing one thing at a time. When we lose our composure is when we're trying to do too many things at once. We're trying to walk and open the door and pick up something, right?

[21:37]

Because we want to get something done. When we want to get something done becomes uppermost, then we lose our composure. So even though we want to get something done, to just do one thing at a time is the way to get it done. Otherwise, we lose time and we hurt ourself. Like somebody was telling me that they went to reach for a teapot in the store and there was no composure in the movement. And so reaching for the teapot, the person hurt his knee. because he wasn't, he was only thinking about the act and not thinking about how to do the act.

[22:40]

When I was at Tassajara last year, Mark and I were crossing this, the road was washed out by a creek the creek had washed out the road and we had a ladder going across the creek and we walked across the ladder and then there was a kind of big mound of dirt and it went down like this to the road and as I was crossing that I lost my composure for a moment and I fell flat on my face but it was just a momentary loss of composure because I wasn't really paying attention to what my feet were doing I was only intent on getting down, but I hadn't worked out how I was going to do that with my feet. How about you got down? I got down. But I fell straight on my face. And Mark said,

[23:55]

But I kept my composure. I said, oh, it's nothing. Don't worry about it. So this is something for us to think about, how to do something, how to do one thing at a time, and how to do it. How to do it with all of our limbs and faculties. How to really be concentrated on one thing at a time. When we put our shoes away, to just put the shoes down, and not put the shoes down while we're walking in the door already.

[25:03]

to do one activity and complete that activity. That's samadhi. Samadhi activity. As Dogen says, to do one activity and complete that activity. So, when we're walking with the pots, to just be the walking with the pots. and not worry about serving the food. That comes next. And then when you come to the person, bowing and actually meeting the person, and the person that's being served meets you. And that's no subject and no object. We're bowing to ourself, actually. But it doesn't have to be ostentatious.

[26:07]

It just has to happen. And that's all that's happening in that moment. And then you put the pot down, and that's all that's happening in that moment. And then you serve, and that's what's happening in that moment. There's no other people to serve. You don't have to worry about that. You don't have to worry about getting done. All you have to worry about is doing this right now. Just this activity right now. And then you pick up the pot and go to the next person. And then it's just that activity. To be totally composed in each moment's activity without worrying about what's coming next. If you're sitting in Zazen and you're worrying about what's coming next, you will not have composure. You can't possibly keep your composure when you're worrying about when is the bell going to ring. So composure is to be able to settle on this moment's activity as if there was never going to be anything else happening in the world next.

[27:24]

So with each breath, that's all there is. That's all there is. And then the next breath. That's all there is. That's how we stay in our place. It's called living moment to moment. Then we don't have to worry about composure, actually, because there it is. Nothing to worry about. And when there's composure, then there's settledness. And we can just be settled on the Self.

[28:33]

Do you have a question about this? I have a question. I don't think I'm naturally very composed. And I don't mean to be trite by saying, you know, you can sort of fall apart and within that it's still composed. I'd like you to speak a little bit about maybe what the opposite of composure is, or the benefit of losing it, or something about regaining. Because I think, because I want to be composed, I might fall into the danger, not so much of being rigid, but of just being narrow-minded or having one idea about the way things are done.

[29:53]

I understand what you mean about just putting my shoes on the shoe rack and then walking in the Zendo. And I know you're not saying, do it like this, but just do one thing at a time. But on the other hand, you know, life's a mess. And I just want you to speak to the other side a little bit. Well, anxiety is a big factor in shaking us, shaking our composure. Anxiety and fear. Anxiety is one of the characteristics of fear. And then we should ask ourselves, well, what am I afraid of? What is it that I'm afraid will happen if I'm not acting this way?

[31:02]

What will I lose? Will this help? Will this anxiety help in getting what I want? The answer is no. The answer is always no. Anxiety does not help you get what you want. It just sets you actually further apart. So that's something for us to think about. But, you know, it goes on anyway, right? There were times when I first started to sit zazen, when I had a lot of anxiety. And I could not get rid of the anxiety. And I would sit zazen. And I'd sit zazen, I wouldn't get up. I said, I'm not going to stand up until something happens with this feeling of anxiety.

[32:07]

And after a while, it would just go away. And then I'd feel back at ease and composed. But is that preferring one state of mind to another, even though we do? Yes. Preferring to be composed rather than anxious. Wouldn't you rather be composed than anxious? Sure I would, but I'm often more anxious than I am composed, and maybe that also has to be okay, if that's what's happening. Right. But it doesn't have to be. We have to accept our anxiety, right? But if there's no reason for it, if we're just suffering in anxiety, it doesn't mean that you just have to be there. There's a way.

[33:10]

Buddhism says there's a way out of suffering. And so we should take the way out of suffering. First of all, we accept the anxiety, but it doesn't mean that we have to stay there with it. If there's a way out of it, we should take that way, which is to find our composure. Why do you need to stay stuck there? Unless you like it. Now, sometimes, you know, we feel that we like it. I'm not saying that you like it, but there is, you know... See, if things get too calm, people get bored. And... Then we like to have something going on, something emotional going on.

[34:18]

So... And then we like to have some kind of anxiety, because it gives us a feeling of aliveness. And then we get stuck in it, and then we don't like it. So we play this game of being anxious and not being anxious, but we play with it. It's like fire. You keep wanting to say something. Go ahead. Well, I was thinking that, especially after Karen said what she said, that where we lose our composure is really our best teacher. That we have this practice of finding our composure here and that we keep extending that in our lives. So there's this

[35:21]

these times when we lose our composure that really tells us something very important. Oh, absolutely. And when we're able to return to our composure, to really study those moments, it's so important for me. This comes up when I ride my horses because that's what I have to ride them with if I'm not composed and I have all kinds of problems. And lately one has started bucking and I can't find my composure. when the horse is bucking, but when I get back to my place of composure, I can think about how I can feel the bucking about to happen and do something before that. That's right. Within our anxiety, we don't have the ability usually to have our mind clear enough to be able to see what's really going on. That's why just calming down the mind and the willies allows us to see clearly.

[36:29]

It's not a false comment. It's actually just this agitation. Vibrations increase themselves through their activity. And so something small gets bigger and bigger just because of the exponential energy. the energy that keeps making it bigger and bigger. If you concentrate, if you have a little problem with your knee, ordinarily it doesn't mean so much, but in Zazen, because you're looking at everything through a magnifying glass, it really gets big. It becomes the whole world. It just gets bigger and bigger. But it's not that big. It's just that we see it through a magnifying glass. And when we calm down, when the mind is very calm, then we just see it more clearly.

[37:33]

And it's not, we don't lose our composure over it. So we get ourselves into all kinds of problems. And it's very good if we have the ability to compose ourself enough to be able to see our way to deal with them. Yes, Alan? The path out is the eightfold path, and that has to be a conscious practice.

[38:38]

And part of that is actually staying present. I think this is basically what Grace is saying too. It's like staying present with the anxiety. I know this from the inside out. I've lived with this have to endure the anxiety and say, okay, suffering, and I can roll around in my bed and moan and groan, which, yeah, it's funny, but it's not funny, because I'll have to do that sometimes, and a lot of us do that. But then we have this training, we have this Eightfold Path, and to really feel the anxiety, the only way to do that is by constantly returning and composing, and failing, and breathing again, and accepting the failing, and starting over and over again.

[39:54]

But it's not repressing. No, it's not repressing. It's really important to get that clear. It's not like, get rid of this feeling. It's more like, go into it with whatever calmness you can muster. But there's a difference between the problem and the anxiety. The problem one has is the problem one has. The anxiety is a feeling of fear over it. And if one can see the problem clearly, one has some way of dealing with the fear. So some people fear is the problem. Right. The problem sometimes is the fear. Right. More than the problem. So

[40:56]

We should not repress the problem. But the fear is extra. Sometimes the fear is necessary. Fear, of course, is a necessary thing, otherwise it wouldn't arise. But there's justifiable fear, and then there's anxious fear. And anxiety takes you out of the reality of the moment. And when you take it out of the reality of the moment, you may say, well, the anxiety is the reality of the moment. But the anxiety is vibration that's going so fast that one can't really stay centered in the moment. That's what anxiety is. One can't stay centered in the moment or in that place.

[42:08]

because it's moving. So anxiety, even if you not repress it, but disperse it, is not so bad. I don't think that's hiding something. I think I was talking more about when the anxiety or the fear itself is In essence, the problem, which I do think is the case for a lot of us. It's more the problem than the problem. That's right. Peter? And we do need to fall apart.

[43:13]

For me, that's part of letting go. And it can be very emotional and very painful and very disorienting. And my understanding is that there's a way to keep our composure while we do that. That it is important to do that. Yeah, we hope so. There is a way to do that. Right. How do we do that? Zen practice is the only way I know. Zita? Zita? Sometimes the most natural feeling is confusion and lack of composure, and that's our natural self at the moment.

[44:15]

And I find that in talking to someone who's very close or family, and getting it out instead of keeping it in, dissipates it. And last time I had folks on with you, I was in that state, and I felt stupid for putting all my pity But it really helped, because as it came out, it went away. I don't know where it went, but we were in the middle of weddings, and a lot of people at our house, and millions of meals, and it went away by stating it to someone who heard. Yeah, just letting someone hear, let you do that. And he said, you'll find it. I thought we had a chance. When Karen asked that question, for me what came up was in literature it says Zen is no special state of mind.

[45:20]

And it was kind of giving a legitimacy to the anxiety that comes up and then the question of what it feels like Even though you give us license to, well, if you want to be anxious, just be anxious. And at some point, one realizes quite naturally to take care of oneself, I had to do something. And I was like Alan, in a different bed, rolling around, crying, upset, and all that. And realizing that that was all I could do, was just sort of cry and go through my emotional changes. And somewhere, another whether it was a special state of mind or what, what I was striving for or wanting was composure and calmness that I feel I could carry on or can carry on in that other state of mind. So what's that about? Composure and calmness are not special states of mind. Composure is not a special state of mind.

[46:27]

And calmness is not a special state of mind. But it's more desirable then. It's more desirable because of that. It's very desirable because it's... Because it's not a special state. Because it's not a special state. It's not anger, it's not lust, it's not revenge, it's not any of those... you know, you can't put it... it has no characteristic. So you're not really talking about calmness so much as, you know, the mind ground. The mind ground. To always be grounded in the mind ground, which is open and settled. You know, I agree.

[47:31]

You know, I wonder sometimes, because I know what Alan was saying, I felt in practice, like I had a Zen teacher confiding me during a time when he was having a really hard time with his family, physically. And that he got really good at it. And I said, well, didn't anybody, didn't your teachers ever notice? No. They just always thought it was really good that he was so calm and composed. You know? And off he went, up the hierarchy. And it just, it feels to me that a question, because then I think, well, how genuine is it? You know? And certainly, People do all kinds of things because, you know, it's not a good thing not to have your feelings, because all kinds of things happen unconsciously, you know, we're driven by those emotions that we can't feel.

[48:55]

So that, it doesn't seem a good, I don't know, it feels like somehow, especially in this lineage, something has gone awry according to how I feel about how people are taught and what they try to do in terms of like really buried down, and I'm talking about this lineage actually, maybe not Berkeley, but you know, it doesn't, so I wonder about how we talk about it and what we're really doing when we're trying to compose ourselves. You know, there's a time when everyone should break down. There's a time when you should break down. There's a time when, you know, you should realize that there's something in you that you're keeping and it should be, you know, let go of, right?

[49:57]

At the risk of composure, at the risk of losing composure, you know. It's like, you know, when Tozan died, all the disciples lost their composure and started crying. And he said, you guys haven't learned it yet. And so instead of dying, he stayed alive for another week. But, you know, the students were right. The students were correct. to lose their composure and just blubber because their teacher was dying. And there's a time when you should let go of your composure. But that's also composure. It doesn't have any special form. I'm allowing myself to do this.

[50:59]

And that's composure. Well, it's almost as if composure is in itself not a feeling. Like, you can feel like you want to kill someone and practice composure. It's the way... Well, that's right. One can actually be very composed and still kill somebody. I didn't say actually kill them. Actually... But the feeling, you have to... we have to be able to contain just a huge range of feelings and actually experience them. That's right. And one way of containing them is to feel them. Right. So what is the relationship of ego to composure? Of what to what? Ego. Ego to composure. Is there any relationship? Well, when one is not self-centered, one has natural composure.

[52:05]

So actually, there could be a situation in which would cause the arising of anger and the person could be not self-centered and respond with anger and not be actually an appropriate response? No, it wouldn't be an appropriate response. They would be losing composure. So anger is never an appropriate response? Sometimes. But anger is an appropriate response when it's used. It's not an appropriate response when you're being used by it. Someone can be angry and use that anger to do something beneficial. But when the anger is using you, then you're not in control. and you could do something harmful with it.

[53:09]

So, anger is a natural emotion and it comes up, but what you do with it is the crucial thing. You can use it if... The only way to control a situation is to respond through your feeling of anger, then you can use that. But as soon as that moment is over, you're not attached to the anger. You come back to yourself. So within the anger, there's still composure. But losing it, anger usually allows us to lose our composure, takes over and controls us. Then we've lost our composure. But yes, you should use everything, every feeling or emotion, as a purpose, a reason. But the point is, when you have composure, you're not used by the feelings and emotions.

[54:22]

Maybe the problem here is Well, I think composure is OK. It's not a thing. It's an attitude of balance and circumspection, all those qualities. Anyway, it's almost time to do other things. Thank you. We are Necropolis.

[55:18]

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