I want to start by saying, well, I want to start by thanking Linda Roshi for inviting me to give this talk. And I want to thank and acknowledge my teacher, Sojin Mel Weitzman Roshi, the old Buddha of the East Bay. This Sangha really knows how to do Sashin. I'm impressed. It feels so settled and people know what they're doing. Yeah, that doesn't happen automatically. It takes quite a lot of effort, actually. We put a lot of effort into creating this space where we can really, really settle.

[01:02]

Ross told me a couple times, he said that at the beginning of the lockdown, Sojin Roshi said, you know, we could lose this practice. And I think that's accurate. Sojin, that's a good observation. Because... It takes effort and continuity to keep the practice going. Oh, thank you, Ross. Go ahead. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So... Linda and I actually, we talked to a lot of other teachers and friends and sanghas, you know.

[02:07]

We've been around the country and recently we went to a Branching Streams conference in Chicago. Talked to a lot of people, Suzuki Roshi lineage sanghas, you know. And I would just casually say, you know, at Berkeley Center, oh yeah, we do Orioki every Saturday. Well, most Saturdays. We do urioki. We have sashimi, we do urioki. And they'll be like, wow, really? Wow. Like, you know, we have special spiritual powers. Well, it is special spiritual powers. It is exactly that. So, yay us. Sashin, and in particular, how immediately settled it felt from the get-go for me, it put me in mind of, okay, it's going to be pretty roundabout.

[03:21]

As a kid, I was really interested in all kinds of Eastern spirituality. As a teenager, I got my hands on a copy of the I Ching, the Chinese Book of Changes. Very, very, very ancient text. It was like prehistoric, you know, many millennia old. And I consulted that thing all the time on any occasion and even would just read it because it's beautiful. I recommend it. At that time, this was a long time ago, the Richard Wilhelm, if I'm pronouncing that correctly, that translation was very popular and widespread. I think there are other translations available now. The Yijang is a system of divination, fortune-telling, basically, that relies on creating a series of 64 things

[04:29]

hexagrams composed of broken and straight lines that make eight trigrams of three lines each that symbolize various elements like wind, earth, wood, fire, water, et cetera. I forget what the others are, but you get the idea. And then each hexagram is a combination of two of those trigrams. It's math, actually. It's sort of binary code, I guess. So, thinking about sashim, preparing for sashim, I started thinking about number 50, which is called ding or ting, the cauldron. The ding is a very ancient, it's as old as the Yijing,

[05:29]

It's a Chinese Bronze Age artifact, which is a cauldron or a vessel for cooking or creating sacrifices or alchemy. Okay? Usually it could be round or square. It could have three or four legs, so you can put it over a fire and cook and put a lid on it. Okay? So the trigrams are fire above and wood below. So it's cooking. You're cooking. The image, fire over wood, the image of the cauldron. Thus, the superior person consolidates their fate by making their position correct. All right?

[06:29]

So everybody make your position correct. Please. I just, yeah... I feel like that's what we're doing in sashim. We're putting ourselves in the cauldron and letting it cook. The parallels between Chinese alchemy and Western alchemy are really amazing, surprising. Like, makes you wonder, you know? Things that make you say, hmm, how did that happen? Because it's... This is really, really, really old stuff. Well, Western alchemy is not as old. You know, Paracelsus and his friends, they're not that long ago compared to the Chinese. However, lots of parallels. So, you know, probably you've heard that in Western hermetic alchemy, similarly, you know,

[07:34]

They put some ingredients into this container and let it cook and put a lid on it and put it on a shelf. And some transmutation occurs, right? Hopefully, lead into gold. Everyone's heard of that, right? You know about that. They're trying to change lead into gold, base metals into something great. But, you know, Paracelsus also had the spiritual side, refining the spirit. similar idea. Maybe making a sentient being into a Buddha. So I feel like that's what we're doing here in Sashin. We all just put ourselves in the cauldron, put the lid on, just let it cook. Let it cook for seven days and see what happens.

[08:42]

Here's Suzuki Roshi. Bet you didn't think Suzuki Roshi had something to say about a cauldron. No, it's not about a cauldron. This is from Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. Chapter titled Repetition. Bread is made from flour. How flour becomes bread when put in the oven was for Buddha the most important thing. How we become enlightened was his main interest. The enlightened person is some perfect desirable character for themselves and for others. Buddha wanted to know Buddha wanted to find out how human beings developed this ideal character, how various sages in the past became sages. In order to find out how dough becomes perfect bread, he made it over and over again until he became quite successful.

[09:54]

That was his practice. But we may not find it so interesting to cook the same thing over and over again every day. It is rather tedious, you may say. If you lose the spirit of repetition, it will become quite difficult. But it will not be difficult if you are full of strength and vitality. The kind of strength and vitality that Linda Roshi was talking about yesterday was necessary to bring to the practice. Anyway, we cannot keep still. We have to do something. So if you do something, you should be very observant, and careful and alert. Our way is to put the dough in the oven and watch it carefully. Once you know how the dough becomes bread, you will understand enlightenment. So how this physical body becomes a sage is our main interest. We are not so concerned about what flour is, or what dough is, or what a sage is.

[11:00]

A sage is a sage. Metaphysical explanations of human nature are not the point. Boy, that's Suzuki Roshi. That's pretty good. That is pretty good. I can't improve on that. So, I feel like that pretty well sums up what we're doing here in Sashin. Sashin is a wondrous activity and has so many elements. The late Zen teacher Philip Whelan apparently, allegedly, thus have I heard, said Sashin is a long, slow-moving, silent party.

[12:06]

A lot goes on in Sashin. But the main thing is Zazen. Lots and lots and lots of Zazen. I've joked with some friends of mine, you know, so Linda and I, we came to, it's been over a year now since we've been at Berkeley Zen Center, and Kind of one thing led to another, didn't it? When she invited us to be abiding teachers, and then she was sitting there and I was sitting here, and then we had a little ceremony, and I said, I'm still surprised. So I've told some friends of mine, it's a lucky thing, I still like zazen. I've been sitting a lot.

[13:15]

And I do. But I don't have to. I used to tell myself that. It was kind of a mantra for myself for a long time. I'd say, I don't have to like it. I love it. I love Zazen. I love this practice. Oh, my gosh. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, Sozin Roshi. Thank you, Berkeley Zen Center. Thank you all the Buddhas and ancestors for this practice. I am so grateful. I love it. I don't have to like it. I don't always, to this day, I don't always like it. The spirit is just to go. Just to, sometimes when I teach Zaza instruction, I say easily 90% of it is getting to the Zendo. Just go. And then make your best effort. Ow, my knees and hips are sending me a lot of information.

[14:21]

Yep. You may have that experience. I'm having it right now. And I discovered that that can be okay. So worth it. So worth it. So this is kind of a love letter to Zazen. How about that? Does that work? I said go. Somebody made a Buddha statue. doing that mudra, I would buy it. I tell you what. Buddha Dharma is love. And I love Zazen.

[15:23]

And, yeah, just kind of personal, would like to talk a little bit about my relationship to Zazen. Maybe you find it encouraging. I hope. Maybe not. I don't know. If none of this is landing with you, just let the sound wash over you like somebody sawing rebar. Let the sound in. Hopefully, that's okay because we can be living with that for about a year. I had a hard time. I really did. As many of you know, my Voice Seeking Mind talk, I practiced as a very young man, 19, 20 years old, at San Francisco Zen Center, and then I didn't for a long time.

[16:30]

Then I rediscovered the practice at Berkeley Zen Center in the 90s. Maybe I should have stuck with it from the get-go, but I didn't. I really had a hard time. And Sojun Roshi also came to the practice in his 30s, and he really had a hard time. And he talks about that, and he told me about it, and I found it really encouraging. He encouraged me the way Suzuki Roshi encouraged him. It's okay if you're having a hard time. It's okay. if it hurts a bit sometimes. Don't hurt yourself, obviously. Don't damage your body in pursuit of this practice. Please don't do that. But it is okay to just sit with whatever. In fact, it's really powerful.

[17:34]

And, of course, nobody can do that for you. But Soshin showed me that Actually, that was a possibility. And that it's worth it. It's really worth it. I couldn't sit for a 40-minute period when I started coming back, not back, when I began practicing at Berkeley Zen Center in the 90s. I had to move my legs at least twice. in a 40-minute period. I just did. I didn't think I could do it. So I did. Nobody gave me a hard time about it. I just kept going. I just kept coming back. Sojourn noticed. I remember there was Rohatsuka Sashin at Berkeley Zen Center

[18:43]

in, I think, 1997. And I really wanted to come. I really wanted to sit that sashim so bad. And I couldn't, on account of my work. I was over at Ashby campus at the time. And, I mean, I had the vacation time accrued for sure, but my supervisor was like, yeah, no, that's not going to work for your department. Okay. Whatever. I'll go on, because I like the job. I like my supervisor. She was great. Tough but fair. Sorry, that's not going to work. So I had to miss Rahatsu. I was sad. Then I was like... The universe owes me a sashin.

[19:45]

So I looked around and I saw that there was one happening at City Center at the end of their winter-spring practice period at that time. So I took the time off and I went and sat in City Center. If you know the City Center Zendo, they have similar to this, you know, tons around the walls and floor tons. So they put me on a floor ton facing the divider directly opposite the abbot seat where Blanche Hartman was sitting for Sashim. So she saw me like a lot because, you know, she called herself abbess, by the way, different times, abbess. She's sitting facing outward, of course. I'm like, right there. You know, I was struggling.

[20:49]

In fact, I'm sure that on occasion I was squirming. I'll use that word. And at the end of the sashim, you know, there was a shuso ceremony, big celebration. reception, lots of fun times, everybody's talking now, Sashin's over, and Blanche finds me, and she gives me this funny look, she goes, oh, you survived. I don't know what to say. Yeah, I survived. It's okay. You know? It just kept coming back. And it changed.

[21:58]

Because everything's always changing, right? That's Buddhism 101. Everything's always changing. There have been some pretty marvelous teachers come out of Berkley Zen Center. One who was very important to me in my early times here, before I moved to Tassajara, was taken away from us much too soon, is Maylee Scott. Oh, truly, truly great Zen teacher. So some of you know Meili, and I'm sorry for the folks who don't. It's kind of off-putting, maybe. You start talking about somebody, nobody... So I apologize. Anyway, Meili was very important as a Zen teacher for me. One time, she was giving a talk, and you're sitting right here, and she said something that really, really caught my interest.

[23:08]

She said... that in her practice life, in the course of her practice life, she had noticed that every few years or so, she said, her whole relationship to Zazen would change, would just undergo some kind of sea change, which She did not identify for us. She did not go into details. But it really struck me and stuck with me because I think that what that did for me, the medicine, that was medicine for me to know, A, it can change, it will change, and B, to be open to that. To be open to that. To never delude myself, I know what zazen is.

[24:15]

I know what to expect. I think that would be a big mistake. So I'm really grateful for mainly for saying that. I want to stay open to that. I want to stay open to the mystery. I don't think anyone can tell you exactly what zazen is. You can say a lot of things about it. Many, many people have. I'm doing it right now. But ultimately, no, I don't think so. One time I was teaching... Zazen instruction in the Tassahara Zendo, and I started talking about the mudra. I like to teach the cosmic mudra, how to hold the mudra, how it functions for us.

[25:22]

I said something like, you put your attention on the mudra, and it's close to your hara, your tanden, you bring your energy there. It's very stabilizing, brings you back to the center of gravity. The mudra is like a barometer for your zazen, you know. You notice it's like all collapsed like this. Or it's like, you know. Can you hold it tenderly, gently? And then I stopped myself. I said, I'm sorry. I'm noticing that I'm talking about the mudra like I really know what it is and what it's doing. I don't. I do not. I only know that I love this practice and I love Zaza.

[26:27]

And whatever it is, whatever it's doing, well, I'll hazard a few words because I'm sitting up here and I think I'm expected to do that. So a year ago, Linda and I co-led a practice period and we studied the Lotus Sutra. Yay! That was fun for me. I really enjoyed studying and teaching and talking about the Lotus Sutra and we chanted it. So great. And... I feel like the fundamental message of the Lotus Sutra is you are Buddha.

[27:43]

That's a difficult thing to take in. No, not me. I have been practicing so many years. I'm still such a mess. Come on. What? No. No way. Yeah. No, you are Buddha. So... My premise is, you take this posture, cross-legged, just like the statue up there on the altar, right? Sitting upright, lift up in your sternum, or whatever works for you, you know? Whatever stable posture you find is working for you. And that will change too. When I teach sasa instruction, I always encourage people to switch it up. It's very helpful. But I don't have to do that here.

[28:45]

You all know. You all know that. Whatever stable posture is working for you. To the best of your ability. And each person's ability is different. to the best of your ability, to sit upright. Lift up in your sternum. Be relaxed in your shoulders, in your arms. Hold the mudra gently. In that moment, you are Nirmanakaya Buddha. You are physical manifestation of Buddha. They have a saying in Japan, one minute of zazen is one minute of Buddha. That's not just some cute words.

[29:52]

I take that as factual. Once you know how the dough becomes bread, you will understand enlightenment. Our way is to put the dough in the oven and watch it carefully. I'm sure everyone in this room knows better, But I'm going to say it anyway because it's so easy for us to fall into this. There's a dualistic idea, wanting to creep in. Oh, yeah. Dough first, bread later.

[30:54]

Got it. I can't wait to be the best dough I can be so I can be the best bread I can be, and that bread is going to be so awesome later. No. That ain't it. It is about the process and just studying that and just staying with that. No matter if the breath doesn't look so good, that's okay. It's just about the process. It's not about looking good. It's just studying the process. Ehe Dogen famously says in Shobha Genzo Bendawa, The Wholehearted Practice of the Way, although this inconceivable Dharma is abundant in each person, you are Nirmanakaya Buddha.

[32:01]

It is not actualized without practice. It is not experienced without realization. So, just say, don't forget that important point, please. What we're doing is just putting ourselves in the cauldron and letting it cook. And then see what happens. That's all. Well, I really don't know what else to say exactly, because for me, it's abundantly clear that everyone here is doing exactly that.

[33:11]

And everyone here is fully on board with Rahatsa Sashim. And that is amazing. I am so grateful. I am so grateful for this practice. And I truly do love Zazen. And I am committed I want to commit my whole body and mind to always stay open to the mystery. I don't really know what zazen is. I can talk about it and I can do my best to practice it. Ultimately, I don't know.

[34:18]

Dogen, What a guy. Yeah, in the aforementioned fascicle, Bhandawa, there's a passage that is so beautiful and borderline psychedelic. I feel is Dogen's best attempt to describe poetically what Zazen was for him. and his experience and what's actually going on in Zazen. In San Francisco Zen Center, they call it Self-Receiving and Employing Samadhi, or Jijuyu Zamai. It's an excerpt from Bendawa. I've been going to Green Gulch quite a bit lately.

[35:20]

Sometimes Linda and I go together. Sometimes I've been going by myself. I meet with my downward brother, Jiryu, on occasion. I really look forward to those meetings. And Zenju lives there now, our friend Zenju. She's now a teacher in residence at Green Gulch. So that's taken us over there a few times. We went to our friend Cameron's ordination, Cameron Isaric, feast ordination there, a very sweet, sweet ceremony. So yeah, I've been spending a lot of time in green golf. Anyway, I was over there to teach you and have lunch with Zenko. I remember once my dad took me to a baseball game to see the Cincinnati Reds in Cincinnati, Ohio. We had a seat just like this. The post was right there. Where's home plate? Sorry.

[36:23]

And I was early. I was going to meet Zenko for lunch. I was early, so I went for a walk. It was so pretty to walk around Green Galsh, walk down to the ocean and came back. And they were having noon service because there's practice period there right now. They were having noon service in the zendo, so I heard it, and I walked closer to the zendo so I could hear it, and they were chanting, self-receiving and employing samadhi, and I never have listened to somebody else chanting it before. I've always been chanting it. We do that at Tazahara. That's kind of the default for noon service at Tazahara, and I really have fallen in love with it. It was quite an experience to just listen to it. It moved me incredibly. So I'll share some of that with you, with your permission, or even without your permission.

[37:36]

Just the end bit, but trust me, the whole thing is like this. I highly recommend it. The Zazen, of even one person at one moment imperceptibly accords with all things and fully resonates through all time. Thus, in the past, future, and present of the limitless universe, this zazen carries on the Buddha's teaching endlessly. Each moment of zazen is equally wholeness of practice, equally wholeness of realization. That's such a good sentence. I have to read it again. Each moment of zazen is equally wholeness of practice, equally wholeness of realization. This is not only practice while sitting, it is like a hammer striking emptiness.

[38:37]

Before and after, its exquisite peel permeates everywhere. How can it be limited to this moment? Hundreds of things all manifest original practice from the original face. It is impossible to measure. Know that even if all Buddhas of the ten directions, as innumerable as the sands of the Ganges, exert their strength and with the Buddha's wisdom try to measure the merit of one person's zazen, they will not be able to fully comprehend it. That's what I'm talking about. Okay. Now I'm really done. Thanks for listening. I guess... Could I take some questions?

[39:41]

So there's time if you have questions, but I would say if you have a question about Zazen, okay, so let's limit it to that, please, for fun. Thank you. Thank you. It was like that peeling bell. I don't know if I should ask a different type of question. It's about zazen, but I'm doing it. You said you had a hard time, quite a hard time practicing zazen. You were squirming in front of the mansion. I just thought it might be helpful to me if you would... be willing to describe what was so difficult about it for you? Thank you.

[40:43]

That's a great question about zazen. Thank you. And this has been kind of a personal talk in large measure about my relationship to zazen. Essentially, I say this thing a lot. My zazen instruction in five words, stay present for whatever arises. I found that. Basically, that's what's happening in zazen really, really hard. Like being alone with my thoughts, basically. Because, as we know, there is no separation, body and mind.

[41:46]

The physical experience of that was basically, get me the hell out of here. Yeah. And I experienced that as pain, mostly. Aches and pains. A lot of pain. Or just the sense of, I can't do this. And I just kept doing it anyway. Crazy. Hatha yoga really helps. Linda and I were doing yoga this morning before we came to the Zendo. It really helps. I learned that. But the main thing was I could just... pretty much couldn't stand to be with myself. Yeah. I remember in a Shosan ceremony once, I told, I mean, well, yeah, my question, more or less, was, I asked Sojan Roshi, I said, oh, my experience of Zazan is like, I feel like a monkey chained to a log.

[43:06]

I just, No escape. But I was tugging on that chain. And he, gosh, I wish I could say it. He just did this extemporaneous poem about a monkey chained to a log through rain and sun and the chain is rusting. Sun comes out. Something like that. It was really beautiful. just can you learn to be with it, you know? Does that answer your question? Yeah? Yeah, thanks. That's a really good question, Linda. It really got to the heart of the matter for me. Yeah, yeah. Shoray. Shoray. You mentioned right relationship to zazen.

[44:25]

Can you say more about that? Maybe it's opposite. I don't recall saying right relationship to zazen. I was talking about my relationship to zazen. That's an interesting framing. Is there a right relationship to zazen? Each person has to walk this path on their own, essentially. And that's the beauty of sangha, because we support each other to walk this path alone. But nobody, yeah, I said this one a lot too. Nobody can do it for you, and you can't do it alone. Personally, I need the support of a sangha to even contemplate doing this practice.

[45:36]

That's me. I know there are other people who are just fine. Famous hermits in China and so forth. Even those hermits up in the mountains, they're able to do that, I think. That's my story. They're able to do that because they also know they're not alone. That's powerful. So, I don't think it's a question of right or wrong. I guess, you know, in old-school Buddhist texts, they say kushla, akushla, you know, what's wholesome and worthwhile and what isn't wholesome and worthwhile. Again, I feel like each person has to find that out for themselves. The beauty of practicing in community is having good Dharma friends and teachers and guides who can help you out.

[46:56]

If you're wondering, is this actually wholesome, what I'm doing? Is this beneficial, what I'm doing? Oh, my gosh. You know, I was Tanto at Tassajara for a long time, and I did a lot of practice discussion. Let me tell you, so many people would come into that little Tanto's practice discussion room, sit down and say, oh, I'm doing it wrong. LAUGHTER I'm pretty sure I'm doing it wrong. I can't possibly be doing it right. Over and over and over again. Yeah, it was funny. That's so human, you know. I think for me it comes back to... what I must have heard Soja Moshi say literally hundreds of times, trust your practice.

[48:00]

Trust your practice. Trust your practice. Trust your practice. Your practice will show you the way. That famous poem by Pablo Neruda, which I want to memorize it in Spanish. I cannot say it in Spanish. Caminante, no hay camino, you know. Traveler, there's no path. Whereas the path, you find the path by walking it, right? Yeah. And that is practiced realization. That is what Dogen is talking about, I think, when he says, although this inconceivable Dharma is abundant in each person, it isn't actualized without practice, it isn't experienced without realization.

[49:06]

That's what we're doing here, I think, together. You're not alone. We regulate each other, particularly in sashin. But whenever we come together and practice together as a sangha, so that I feel is really trustworthy. I'll say one more thing. Linda and I belong to Soto Zen Buddhist Association and American Zen Teachers Association. Both of them have listservs. which I read a lot and almost never post to. And there was some kind of very frightening thing that happened. It made national news briefly of a woman who attended a meditation retreat where she just went, did the retreat, left.

[50:18]

There's no before or after meditation. No checking in or checking out. Just went, did the retreat, left, experienced meditation psychosis, content warning. And people on the list were like, whoa, what do you do about that? How do you handle that? Has anybody experienced something like that? And everyone was like, no. Why? We talk to each other. Why? We check in. That's so important. So, so important. Geez, a long time ago, I was invited to give a Zazen refresher here. I spoke about Zazen for an hour. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I took the opportunity to make a little plug for a culture of practice discussion in Doka-san.

[51:32]

Yeah, take advantage of it. We have a deep bench of practice leaders at Berkeley Zen Center. Take advantage of it. So, now I am out of time. Thank you all for your attention.

[51:47]

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