Good morning, friends. Good morning, Sangha. Blake, I hope you'll let me know if there's any problem with the video or the sound, and it's loud enough, and I'll just continue. Here we are in the days of the longest nights and shortest hours of sunlight, at least. For those of us joining from the Northern Hemisphere, it's a time energetically of cocooning. I'm not the first person to observe this, but all the religions that I know of have holidays in this month that involve light and the faith. Faith in what we cannot see.

[01:09]

You know, our gardens are barren, but there's still life where we can't see it. We had a wonderful conjunction this year with the solstice. You know, that means it's a good time. It's a good time for a vigil. A time of watchful waiting. You know, as some of you know, I've talked about it before. I have been a river runner in my past, an old river runner. And there was a time when I was together with my bow peddler scouting the gnarliest rat, Lava Falls, on the gnarliest river in Colorado. And we were making our plan about how to proceed through.

[02:15]

And she turned to me and she said, this is a plan B rapid. We can do all the reading we want about, and we can make all the plans we want, which is always a good idea, but actually the river will decide what happens. And it is likely not to be the plan that we made. it's taken me a long time to realize that plan B is not lesson. Plan A is what we think is going to happen. Plan B is what actually does happen. And certainly in river running, you learn that the more quickly you can let go of your idea about what you were thinking was gonna happen, the more present you can be to respond to what is actually happening.

[03:18]

And it doesn't help to say, I should have done this, or I wish I had said that, or any of those kind of regrets. Plan A is our idea that we are somehow in charge, and Plan B is the fact that we are. not in charge. But we are completely responsible. We are completely able to respond. And that's our, isn't that our practice? The appropriate response. I think it's fair to say that this has been a plan B year. Over and over, we've had to turn toward what is and embrace it rather than what we imagined was going to be happening.

[04:23]

I think it's also true that this has been a plan B week. This week, we rescheduled the mountain seat ceremony. We are turning toward a new reality with our dear friend, our teacher, BCC's founder, Mel. Up through Tuesday of this week, this talk was going to be about the ceremony, the mountain seat, and why it's called the mountain, and the significance of it being called the mountain seat. And... Why Berkeley Zen Center is called Old Plum Mountain when there's no mountain to be seen anywhere. And the complexities of this wonderfully celebratory. But that talk can be given later by me or somebody else.

[05:30]

On Tuesday this week. Intuition arose in a number of us really led by Hozon that we should postpone. We consulted with people in our wider community. And we were moving back and forth between two Zen principles to follow something through to the end. or to do one thing at a time. I sent out an email kind of an emergency, please respond email to all the board on Tuesday and gathered their responses as the day went on. And by the evening, it was unanimous thing to do would be to postpone the ceremony. So the ceremony new date is January 31st.

[06:35]

We were following the principle of doing one thing at a time because of ourselves. And we wanted for all of us, all of the Sangha, to be able to focus our complete and full attention on this moment in Sojin's lives and in our lives, to be fully with him, our heart and mind. So thinking over the last year, we celebrated Surgeon's 90th birthday in July of 2019. And in the following September, he and Hosan went to Tassaharu to give Dharma transmission to two people, one of whom many of us know well, Karen Decoze. And in that week, Sojan developed some very puzzling symptoms, which got him.

[07:43]

And that began a path of discernment about what was going on until December, January, when it was clear that what was going on was that he had what started as a small cancer in a bile diet, pesticides cancer in his liver and so forth. Sort of accidentally, accidentally, I came across some notes that I took this week. This week, I came across some notes that I took in January of this year, 2020. After a breakfast meeting, I had at Skolange with Sojin. I don't usually take notes after breakfast meetings, but this one seemed different. He didn't know how long he had.

[08:47]

Did he have a year? Three months? He wanted to set in motion a conversation about the transition. He said he was accepting whatever happens. We went on a talk about this conversation, the transition should happen, and he named five people he wanted to meet with him about it. He said maybe he should retire and turn things over to Alan. But then he said he wasn't ready to do so because he wanted to do so. He equated turning things over somehow with not being involved with Sondra anymore, not being connected to us, to all of you. And that is his most... He said he was recognizing periods of confusion, cognitive confusion, and he talked about the things he wanted to finish.

[09:56]

He had three books in the work, a collection of Suzuki Roshi's book lectures, a collection of his own lectures, a memoir. He said he was letting go of worry about the transition and accepting what it is. And I would say movingly, he recognized that Berkley Zen Center is a place where there are a number of elders. There is a deep bench, as they say. And I experienced this conversation as a kind and thoughtful way of prepping everyone for this moment. about how things would be for us after we died. And then the conversation turned to other matters, you know, about our archiving legacy project, for example. Since then, transition, that small transition group met less than a handful of times, really, spaced for our part.

[11:14]

And Sojin has been working with Ron and Kinka on a collection of his own talks and with Juryu on a collection of his talks. And I believe his memoir, I think that memoir comes in third place in his attention. After a number of inquiries and queries from us, our archive committee received an offer from the Asian Library at Stanford to house all our papers and photos and talks and so forth, which is, and we signed the deed of gift in November. And so that is a place where if Sojin wishes and if Liz wishes, books and writings and so forth can be also housed and made available digitized. And this is a direct recognition of our historic place of American Buddhism.

[12:27]

We started in September to actively plan both the stepping dance ceremony and the mountain seat ceremony. And usually they are booked. They are related oftentimes in the same weekend or a couple of days. And he planned for them to be one on the 28th and the other on the 30th of December. And we enlisted the help of Steve Weintraub. And he has been unfailingly steady, knowledgeable and detailed and encouraging and helpful in our planning process. Repeatedly, Zojin called the stepping down ceremony the throw the bum out. I finally asked him to stop saying that.

[13:33]

Wish I was surprised to find that he actually did stop saying it. But I think it says something about his trying to work through a framework in which to step down that could also mean stepping into things he most wanted to do and also to stay connected, that the most important thing was his wish to stay connected to us. In early October, there was a perceptible shift in Sargent, and it was clear that this December plan was not a good fit. for where he was. And you know, the stepping down ceremony was scheduled for October 20th, a rather rapid pivot, another plan B that happened in October. And he became our founding Dharma teacher.

[14:37]

I handed him, in that ceremony, I handed him the board that to articulate the way in which he was still fully engaged and connected with less involved. At Thanksgiving, there was a shift, and another one in mid-December, which initiated the hospice and brought him to need oxygen. And during Orhatsu, just not even a week ago, he shifted and found comfort in a hospital bed at home with oxygen and eating and drinking fairly little. So what is our appropriate response to this moment?

[15:43]

Often we experience this moment as a call to do something, to be of help. And the hardest thing to know, I think, is what's called just be. Be with him, with ourselves, with one another. Sometimes this is called witnessing, and it's a good word, I think, but to me it feels just being more aware. Anyway. It's also true that our thoughts of well-being have palpable effect. They matter, and I don't know this intellectually. I don't know. I can't explain it. but I know it from my experience.

[16:49]

I know it from having been held by your well-being myself this past year. I also think it's helpful to remember that we are standing on the shoulders of our ancestors. Now I came to BCC for several reasons. First, because as a doubting type, I wanted something that had some ancient grounding. I thought all those people over the thousands of years must have been onto something. And you know, when we are lay ordained or priest ordained, we receive a new genealogical chart. We stand in a line of ancestors named all the way back to Buddha.

[17:49]

And our name is in that line. Our name Dharma is in that line. I think it's important to remember that we stand on those shoulders that are alive. It doesn't matter. They are ours, our guides, our family. And I realize now that, you know, as a doubting type, that it's okay to rely on the faith of others. That's what I was looking for. The second reason I came to Wrigley Zen Center was because I knew that... Mel was a student of Suzuki's and I had a longing to have known Suzuki. And I wanted to feel the transmitted light from Suzuki.

[18:51]

And I don't think that there's any question that so did Mel is transmitting that light. going to end with some categories words and then I want to ask you your thoughts and feelings about how we hold this moment together and what your practice is about them. So this category, instead of being tossed about by our speculations about life and death, We have to take responsibility for our capacity to see inconceivable life. The final goal of meditation is that your worldly life must merge with inconceivable life through actual realization.

[19:56]

Before we conceptualize and separate ourselves from the world, there is the inconceivable. There is already universal cosmic life. And it is why you are alive. This is why we sit Zazen. In the truth of Zazen, life and death are merging moment after moment. And that's because our lives are supported by all things through the merging of life and death. We bring forward. inconceivable life. So I would like for us to share what our rituals are and for how we are meeting this moment, how we are holding this moment in our Sangha life together. And Blake, I think you...

[21:02]

And as you all know, we just raise our blue hand and I will call on people. You can type a description of your practice and how you're meeting at the moment. And if you have a question, you can also type that and I'll sort of move forth with those. So again, please raise your blue hand and you'll be called on. I see Raghav. Raghav? Thank you, Blake. Hi, Mary. Hi. Hi, everyone. It kind of like hurts me that surgeon was thinking that stepping down was going to distance him from us.

[22:10]

So maybe someone should reprimand him that that's not the way. You know, I think it's not. I think it's because the most important thing in his life was Berkeley's own center on being habit. And that's what he knew for. more than 50 years. So, I mean, that transition is hard for all of us. When you think about retiring or making a kind of shift like, who are we now? You know, it's that understanding that we are who we are and we don't think that transition still have all of those connections and skills. passions that we had before but there is a um a redefining that goes on in that process and he was working he's working on that i think he worked on it pretty actively yeah thank you yeah and yeah you know everything um i i think

[23:43]

I feel I've learned a lot from him. And what I come to kind of see is just to hold him. This is my thought right now, which is that you'll never be separate. You know, in in breath and, you know, however long. This is the inconceivable part of which is that connection continues inconceivably. So that's the way I look at it. Hi, Mary.

[24:58]

Thank you for your really helpful words. And this is a hard time for people, I think, to just jump into this conversation at such an intense moment. I just wanted to say two short things in response to your invitation. Well, one thing I remember... I'll call him Mel right now, said to me, I think it was while we were working on that booklet about his life, A Path Unfolding. Anyway, he said, and I was asking him about succession and how he felt about it. And he said, well, and other people probably know, he said this in other contexts too, but he said, well, the traditional way for a Zen abbot to retire is by dying. That's true. You know, he's thinking of the people in Japan and over the years. So he likes to honor the traditions.

[26:00]

I think that was a part of it. To respond in this moment, I just have found that for me, I'm really able to get in touch with my heart sort of breaking open in a new way with the love so simply with no barriers to that. And right now I'm sitting in my room at the front of my house, which is just a few blocks from where Mel and Liv lives. And I'm thinking of quite many times that I would look out the window and see Mel walking the dog right past Mel. So just that there are all these moments that we all have of times we were with him that we can just be grateful for and cherish and send our love to him. And right now he's right here with us still. He's still breathing and he's right here with him wherever he is, whether he's here with us or somewhere unseen.

[27:11]

That's what I'm trying to do as best I can. Thank you. Veronica. Thank you for your talk, Mary. I just wanted to briefly say I've been thinking of Sojin Roshi so much in these past past weeks, especially, and getting the opportunities to go to the Thursday night talks, question and answer periods. And it really resonated with me when you talked about being drawn to Sojin Roshi because of the way he transmitted the life that came from Suzuki Roshi and that tradition. I feel the same way. I've practiced at a few different centers and Berkley Zen Center just immediately felt like my home and still does spiritually.

[28:20]

And I think a lot of that is because of the specific light that is an expression of something I think is universal. And so In terms of in this moment, I've been thinking a lot about how to learn to transmit that light myself and rededicating myself to the things I know help me connect with that. And that's been a big part of what I've been thinking about, you know, and just ways I can. keep that alive in my life. Thank you. Hi, everybody.

[29:58]

Thank you so much for drawing us together and to are able to so good at doing. I guess what I keep feeling is, I mean, I've never felt so close to. the two truths being alive at the same time because there's nothing more, you know, temporal than the fact that he's leaving and he won't be back. That there's a person who was born at a certain time and is going to die and we won't see those shades drawn in the office ever. And just the many, many things. And at the same time, everything he tried to teach us is not out the window, which is, you know, free from the duality of birth and death and bigger and also true and equally true and more true when you have them both at the same time somehow.

[31:13]

I mean, I just have never experienced the two ways of experiencing you know at the same time it's another gift from him and I'm sure they'll just continue to be I believe there will continue to be gifts from him for the rest of my life and so you know really sad that of the many details um At the same time, I cannot forget everything that he stood for, you could say, or sat for or something. Anyway, it's a wonderful thing. And also the fact that we can do this together is even more beautiful. Thank you. Ross writes, I like to think Sojin's

[32:16]

Let's kick the old bum out, is in the spirit of our literature where our ancestors referenced those in what appears to be a derogatory, but as Sojun has reminded us, don't take Zen words literally. It feels both self-effacing and honoring the tradition. Thank you. And Karen Sondheim, I invite you... to unmute yourself and ask a question. Thank you. I just wanted to say that one thing that took me a long time to realize with Sojin was how he loves all of us. I remember thinking of teachers as being kind of remote, that they were up on some little mountain. that was hard to reach. And I remember asking someone in the courtyard, you know, that I wanted to tell Mel something, go knock on his door.

[33:26]

And it took me a long time. And then I realized there were people knocking on his door all the time and he went them all in. And so that's just something, you know, we all love him. I know I do, but what's, is how much he loves us. And so that's what I'm feeling right now. And it makes so much sense why he didn't want to give up his place. He's just, we're all just so attached to each other, connected, let's say. Susan.

[34:36]

Morning, Mary. Thank you for your talk. One thing that I've been thinking about a lot that's been helping me is I've been watching the garden, my own garden, and looking at other gardens as I've been walking. And, you know, Sojin was a wonderful gardener himself. And I was thinking, you know, last year when our daughter's friend died at the age of 23, I thought her life was like one of those early spring flowers that blooms for just a few days and then is gone. And I was thinking that Sojin's life has been like more like an early summer flower that blooms in June and just continues to bloom and bloom and bloom and bloom all through the summer and well into the fall.

[35:45]

Only like a, you know, a frost, either an early frost or a late frost that kills that flower, but not before it, you know, bursts its seeds open and those seeds go everywhere. I'm amazed in my garden right now. I'm seeing little plants coming up. that are in my backyard, but they're starting in the front yard. And it's just, that's the way it is in the garden and down the street and all over. And it's really helping me to think of, you know, his influence on all of us, the world. Thank you. Thank you. That's a beautiful image. You have wonderful garden images. Thank you. Joanne.

[36:46]

Hi, everyone. I rarely speak, so I appreciate the time. And thank you, Mary, for a very beautiful talk. And one of the things I regretted I've been meaning to send Mel a card for a very long time, and I didn't. Perhaps I thought if I don't send it, then he won't be sick for some bizarre reason. But this is the card, and if you can see it, it's a rabbit. It's bowing to me, and I thought Mel might appreciate it. And I'm sure many people have many stories with Mel, but I wanted to share one from a long time ago. And I wrote to him and I said, Dear Mel, Alexi said Sojan, maybe 25 years ago, and I sat most days in a state of big sadness and despair. And at that time, I went to Dokusan and I told you I didn't know what to do because every time I sat, I just cried and cried.

[37:57]

And I felt so sad and lost. And I think you said something like, Just cry. Just sit. Just cry. And I still carry this little message with me, even 25 years later, that if something happens, let it happen and just sit through it and everything will pass and everything changes. And I really know that this is one message he gave to me many, many years ago. And I know that he's given that message. just so so many folks and it's just um just really lovely testament this community that um he's and i just feel very very very grateful and i i thank you for letting me share this because i didn't get it to him in time and i have this regret so um i thank you and i thank you so much again for your talk and for all of you

[39:02]

for making this community and letting me feel a part of it. I feel very grateful even though I don't say a lot. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Sarah. Sarah Liu. Thanks very much. When Hozon first sent out the update on Sultan's position, I felt an enormous sense of grief. I'm not a stranger to people dying. I've had a lot of close friends and family die. And it's not like this is for a long time about this condition.

[40:08]

But I also felt unlike, I actually have another friend who's dying of pancreatic cancer right now, but my grieving over this feels different because I really wanted to find that. And yet I felt like I wanted to call Ross or Anna or Anabir, people that I know better. But I also felt because I'm in a long-term relationship with Sojin, and I felt that I would be interfering because if we Most people in the sangha have very close, very deep personal. And I thought that my grief would seem, I don't know. I don't know how to put it.

[41:17]

And that they needed the time and space to grieve. And that my... my sort of grief that even I don't understand would sort of interfere with their own process of grieving. And so my contact with Sojin in person has actually been pretty minimal. I've only had one delivery. But more recently I ended up in the ER in October and You know, there's the image of him being in Buddha's palm. And the way I got through that was seeing his face. And for me in that way, it's sort of like being in Buddha's palm. I will always see children's face.

[42:19]

And that's... both a way of grieving and a great comfort for me. So he's there for me in that way. And I found it a great comfort to listen to some of his talks online. And I noticed that he did a lot of talks on birth and death over the last year. Thank you to everyone in the center. Thank you, Sarah. Your grief matters. Tom Painter writes, one of Sojin's teachings, which has stayed with me, don't be afraid to use yourself up.

[43:23]

He embodied this giving of himself to all of us completely through his life, long life. I like what many people have said about his light not really going out. And I want to thank Tom for his remembrance and also thank him for being a wonderful Saturday director. Sue Osher. Thank you, Blake. And Mary, thank you for your talk. I had this memory suddenly as Sue Moon was talking and Ra about knocking on Sojin's door because you had something to say. And I suddenly had this great feeling of regret and embarrassment. The one time I served as Jisha for Sojin during Sashin, and uncomfortable.

[44:26]

I never wanted to disappoint him. My tendency with teachers and authority figures is to do it right. And at this late stage in my life, I still tend to do that, which does keep me separate. He had gone to bed. and someone approached me from outside the gate who was visiting from Japan. And I said, no, you can't see him. I prevented him from going to knock on the door. And I thought I was taking care of Sojin, and now I wonder if I actually was. So in thinking about that, I think it just shows how we all have our personal relationship with Sojin, with everybody. We see and I don't know about right and wrong with that one, but you know, it was just the action I took and I don't know the consequences of it, but I don't know that I've planted

[45:47]

I hope they're beneficial. And I really appreciate all the years of Dokusan and teaching. And I remember telling him when I took a position, I said, I just want you to encourage me. And that's all he ever did. So thank you. And Peter. So excuse me, I've got a two-year-old playing with a noisy truck behind me. But just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your words. I've also been having some dualistic lately. I've also

[46:49]

I feel like I'm relatively new to BCC and have felt a bit like a satellite for the last few years, but the interactions I've had with Sojin have been very important to me. And there's one hand a part of me that wants to feel adrift now that I've found him and now he's going to be gone. And yet there's also a part of me that doesn't worry so much about whether I'm not anymore. And I think that is part of, you know, what he gave me. And likewise, you know, there's this question of how do I honor my teacher, but how do I be independent from my teacher? I've learned how to not try to force some resolution or force one of those things to be the winner and I can just let them be.

[47:57]

And that's one of the things I'm grateful to Sojin for and to all of you. So thank you. Thank you. We're getting to about that time. I'd like to share that when you hike along, for example, as a group of mountains and rivers, it's important to stay together so that everybody's safe. But I remember Sojin just shot way out in front when I was his attendant. He was gone. And that's one of his great teachings to me is how do you be a team player, but how do you juice it all? Mary, do you have any closing words?

[48:59]

No. I'm very much appreciate and rely on all of you, on sangha. And I think that Sojin is right, that the mark of this sangha, the mark of Brookly Zen Center is its stability and longevity. And that's because of practice. That's how we practice together. And that's one of the big lessons that we learn by just watching him. And I know that's going to stay with me. I'm sure it's going to stay with everyone. So thank you.

[50:12]

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