Good morning. So it's a really beautifully clear, crisp winter morning. It's Lent Day, February 29th. I tried to find something of significance in that date, and after much searching, I gave up. And just, OK, it's a correction in the silver calendar. Anyway, it seems like there must be some significance. But the significance is, it's today. And every day is a good day. So this morning what I'd like to speak about is skillful communication. And particularly I think we need to put some attention on this because we seem to be really in an era of incivility.

[01:17]

I remember, I think it was the last election cycle in 2016, we were talking at the Sotus and Boost Association about making a statement on civility. I quite agree, so we didn't issue it. But compared to that election cycle, this appears even more off the charts. So we need to build and we need to tap into the civility that exists in our society and kind of rebuild it where it's been injured or harmed. And we do that from the ground up.

[02:21]

We do that, we need to do it in our families. in our workplaces and communities. And we need to do that within our nation and between nations. And we are very fortunate because we have this laboratory where we can work on it. It's called Tsonga. and we're guided by a range of teachings, both teachings from the Buddha and all the ancestors that followed him, and also teachings from various other sources, East and West, that have

[03:26]

provided us guidance about how we communicate with each other. So this particular emphasis given to, given to speech as a form of communication in the in the Bodhisattva precepts that we chant at full moon ceremony and we receive during our ordinations and also weddings and also funerals. It's repeated over and over again. And in these 10, in these 10 grave precepts, three of them are directly related to speech. And, in fact, all of them are directed to relationship.

[04:33]

All of the precepts are about how we are in relationship to others and how we are in relationship to ourselves. But the ones that focus on speech, the fourth, which in our version here are resolved not to lie, but to communicate the truth. The sixth, which is I resolve not to dwell on the mistakes of others, but to create wisdom from ignorance. This is the precept that warns against slander and encourages respectful speech. And in the seventh,

[05:37]

I resolve not to praise myself and downgrade others, but to maintain modesty, putting others first. So this is the precept of not praising yourself at the expense of others, not putting yourself above others, but allowing everyone to find their own space to express their own awakened nature. So those are the explicit precepts. And what came to me is that although it's implied here, I wish there were

[06:40]

another precept, which is the precept of listening. Of course, it's implied. If there's speaking, there needs to be someone listening. But one of the features of the of Buddhist teachings focuses, it turns the attention inward and it focuses a lot on intent and intention. Now, I'll speak to this later, but precept of listening is about also with what mind does one receive another. And that's, I think that's a critical element.

[07:48]

Thich Nhat Hanh speaks to this in his five mindfulness trainings, which is his version of the Panchasila or the five precepts which are kind of universal throughout Southeast Asia. He writes this, aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening, so he's combining these two, in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create suffering or happiness, I vow to learn to speak truthfully with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain, and not to criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure.

[08:57]

I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I will make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small. That's a really high bar. But it's important for us to think about this and how it applies to our practice. So I was thinking, as I started thinking about this talk, I was remembering when, when I was a kid, I was, I was involved in amateur radio. And amateur radio and citizen band radio. Does anyone know about that? And it was really cool because, first of all, you could listen to people

[10:04]

all over the country or all over the world, and it was open for everyone to hear. And then if you wanted, you could speak with them too. And so you could build relations, you know, hundreds and thousands of miles away. But in order to do this, you had to have two things. You had to have a transmitter to speak, And you had to have a receiver to listen to electronic radio devices. And sometimes, for convenience, they were combined into a transceiver. And that's what we are. Each of us is a transceiver. It's an interesting word. So that's all in the realm of speech, right? But the kind of civility that we're talking about, the kinds of relationships, the kind of interactions that we have are not limited to speech.

[11:17]

And that's also something that we really cultivate in here, in the zendo, in the practice. It's not just word to ear. It's also body to body. It's a broad sphere of relationship that includes how we work together, how we eat together. We just did that. You know, everyone eating together in their own unique individual way by doing it with one common form. How we act together. All of these things are manifestations of our interactions.

[12:21]

And what we recognize is that Different people, you could say different people from different cultures have various modes of expression, verbal expression and nonverbal expression. But we don't have to look very deeply to see that everybody, each of us is carrying around our own culture. Each of us has our own background, our own habits, our own ways of thinking about things, our own ways of doing things. And we are trying to find a way to harmonize our life and our expression. I've noticed this. If I had to talk about my culture, my inner culture, it's probably, it's not very Californian.

[13:42]

It's shaped on the East Coast. And I realized in a couple of settings over the last 10 years when all of a sudden I've been thrown back into a context with all of my East Coast friends, it's like I'm very comfortable. And the things that may be wrong, you Californians, about my mode of expression, is completely taken for granted and accepted there. And there's a, you know, that's great, there's a freedom there, but we don't live in that one place. Yeah.

[14:44]

Can you give us an example? Sure. For example, and this could get into a discussion or argument. We interrupt each other. Quite funny. And no one takes offense. Well, that's because you're Californian. I'm talking about when I'm in that setting with my East Coast friends, there's a verbal jousting and bantering that's very comfortable for those people. That's what I'm saying. Every person... I told you we could get into it.

[15:48]

Right. You just did it. Megan. I came across somebody I had known quite well in my school, and I gave him a little hug the way that we do. Well, that's an example. We can find lots of examples. And they're not, these are not hard and fast examples. They're just, I'm speaking pretty generally. But what we're getting to is the fact that people have different styles and different expressions. When I was at BPF, we had, Buddhist Feast Fellowship, we had, we had communication guidelines. And we, it was interesting. Those guidelines were based pretty much on tip-not-on kind of principles.

[16:52]

And so everybody was supposed to speak very calmly and be very respectful and careful. And we had a member of the board who was from Cuba. And she got fed up. You know, she said, this is not my culture. You know, let me tell you how my culture is, and it's not because I think my culture is right, it's just we have a different mode. So, we had to devise a communication guideline that included the fact that people have different modalities of expression. And that part of the whole envelope of respect was being able to include that. And I see this, you know, because I've done, I do a lot of traveling, or I've done a lot of traveling.

[17:55]

You know, I have to be really on my toes when I go, say, to India. It's a different, there's different forms of communication. Or when I go to Thailand or, you know, again, if I go to It's a little different. So, you have to be able to not just speak according to some rules, but really pay attention to what's going on around you. So, this gets to what I wanted to share, and I brought copies for everybody. I'm not sure if we can hand these out. So, what I'm giving you here are, I was struck by these a few years ago.

[18:59]

I was teaching for a time at East Bay Meditation Center, and on the wall there, they have agreements for multicultural interactions at EVMC. And I thought these were very useful. And I share it with you because some of them are, some of them are sort of obvious and some of them are, there's a couple that are really fresh to me and extremely useful. I've really guided my practice for the last five or ten years. So I think relevant to the point that I was making about different cultural styles, you have the first guideline.

[20:07]

Try it on. Be willing to try on new ideas or ways of doing things that might not be what you prefer or are familiar with. That would include ways of speaking. That would include what somebody else needs in order to feel at ease. And so we learned that, we learned to try these things on. First of all, we really have to listen carefully to hear what is being said, to hear what might be new or unusual to us, and then to try to see how to align ourselves with that. The second point is probably pretty familiar to us. The way it's put here is practice self-focus.

[21:14]

Attend to and speak about your own experiences and responses. Do not speak for a whole group or express assumptions about the experiences of others. Sometimes we call this I statements, right? And it's very common We see this a lot and all of us have been, have done this. We speak with the we, with the word we. Because we want to create, I want to create, not we, I want to create a wider frame of reference that validates my point of view. Does that make sense? What about the royal we? How do you show that with your speech when you say we?

[22:17]

No. That's an interesting question. I think the way we presume is that the real person is the community. This is what's been problematic, I would say. This is how you got to what has been expressed as Imperial Way Buddhism during the 20th century in Japan, where the emperor was the embodiment of the whole nation.

[23:19]

It's enough that I'm trying to generalize and present myself as having all this we, these people in agreement behind me. I don't want to be the king also. Anyway, let's not get caught on that. But it's important to recognize the subtle ways in which our language can imply. I'll give you an example. It's really uncomfortable for me to do this, but, you know, we're all white people here. No, we're not. But we've heard this in predominantly in predominantly white cultural settings where that is the presumption of normality is whiteness.

[24:40]

And it's completely, it negates the realities of people who don't fit that criterion, who are sitting right here in the room. And it's very easy to slip into a we. And it's easy to slip into a we, this gets to the next point, with the best of intentions and with an obliviousness to the impact. To me, this is the turning piece. The next point is the turning piece in these guidelines or these agreements. And it's to understand the difference between intent and impact. Try to understand and acknowledge impact.

[25:49]

denying the impact of something said by focusing on intent is often more destructive than the initial interaction. Does this make sense? Do you know what I'm talking about? So, it's interesting because I feel like a lot of the thrust of my Buddhist education and a lot of what you see certainly in many of the early teachings, focuses on intention. And it's not that we shouldn't pay attention to intention, but to recognize that one's intention, however well meant, can have a very different impact according to how widely we are seeing ourselves in the situation.

[26:53]

And this is something that is, it's been so helpful to try to step back and really look at what the impact may be on someone of something I've said or something I've done, and not to then hunker down in kind of an affirmation of the fact, well, you know, I really didn't intend to hurt you. That's true, you didn't, and that's good. If you intended to hurt somebody, that's a whole different ballgame, right? But if there was an accidental injury, due to elements and factors that I may not be aware of, it really helps me to know that.

[27:58]

Because then I can expand my thinking. Now, Andrew. What I mean by that is it's a hidden bias. It's what I, it's what by virtue of my background, conditioning, privilege, my eyes are not open to. And, you know, I can think that I'm acting, I mean, I'm not acting out of bad motivations,

[29:11]

But I'm not, I don't see the whole wide context. And this is, this to me gets to, so right intention is the second step on the normal AFO path. And the definition is, One intention of right resolution, resolve rather, which means being resolved in renunciation, on freedom from ill will, on harmlessness. That's part of the traditional definition. And, of course, like all these factors, it has two levels of interpretation. It has the mundane level, which is kind of what we see as our ordinary reality.

[30:22]

And at the mundane level, this intention means being harmless and refraining from ill will. Because that actions in those fields are true negative karma. And at the super mundane level, or the absolute level, the factor includes understanding absolutely everything as impermanent and without a fixed self. And so, that's looking at it in a very deep way. But the way that plays out, when you think that things have a self, when you think they're permanent, then you place yourself at risk for doing harm, whether it's intentional or not.

[31:34]

So, But this is really important, this difference in intent and impact. And, you know, it creates a ground where you can go to someone if you feel that you've been misunderstood or you've gotten some kind of response or reaction, you can ask, how did that land on you? And that's a difficult thing to do, but we need to do it. Right, so that, I mean, there's so many things that we can, to me, this is really the field of our relational practice, which includes our relation to ourself.

[33:06]

And, you know, I come back, as some of us do, very often to these three tenets that were articulated by Bernie Glassman. And the first tenet is not knowing. And that goes back to the first agreement here, try it on. You know, not knowing means not being certain of my view. And so you have to test it out. It's like the whole, all of life in the context of practice is an experiment. And you get verification, or you get contradiction, and you learn, and you correct your course. And, you know, we're correcting our course in the setting of a relationship to those around us and to ourselves.

[34:09]

But not knowing is most intimate. So let me go along. I want to leave more time for discussion, but I just want to go through this list. So practice both and and. Some of us do this. Substituting and for what? It's a very, it's almost a mechanistic verbal trope that you can do. And sometimes, I would say, sometimes it feels a little grim to me. But, or and. And it's okay to be close. Try it on, I called myself right there. It's so easy to feel, but is a word that denotes a duality, and and is a word that denotes a oneness.

[35:18]

Yeah, Alfie. Refrain from blaming or shaming self or others. Here they say practice giving skillful feedback. Right, and I think to me, those are distinct points. Blaming and shaming is one point, and giving skillful feedback, I think it's speaking to blaming and shaming as the expression of giving unskillful feedback.

[36:30]

I suspect that's what that means. Move up, move back. Encourage full participation by all present. Take note of who is speaking and who is not. If you tend to speak often, consider moving back and vice versa. And all I can say for some of us, this is very hard. and I'm one of them. And I've been working on this for years. One thing that we did as an exercise, once at an international network of engaged Buddhists meeting in Thailand, we did a speech mapping. We had an open discussion without seeing what was going on, and somebody was the note taker and diagrammed all of the speaking, all of the interactions and laid it out, and it was

[37:43]

And later, the Westerners want to crawl into holes. And that was a great lesson. How to restrain yourself. How we work with, for me, it's how I work with urgencies that I may feel. And to recognize that those urgencies, at least for me, are They're about the presentation of self. They're about wanting to be seen, you know, want to be seen as articulate, or want to be seen as smart, or wanting to get my view across. And they're not about building the whole. They're not about building a communal sense. But in any group or class, there are people who just, that's their nature, they do not want to speak.

[38:54]

And I don't, have you developed any techniques to draw these people out? No, but I try, you know, I think a lot of us try in those settings, and sometimes what I think what might be really more of use is to speak to that person privately. I mean a lot, public speaking is a very difficult thing for a lot of people. You can elicit their view privately. You can also provide them with encouragement privately and tell them, I'm really interested in what you have to say. And what you have to say contributes to the community. Yeah, Ken. Sometimes groups in different contexts, like if you're sitting around in a circle, can arbitrarily

[40:01]

all interactions. And then when you're done, maybe you go back to, well, I disagree with what you said, or I'd like to add this. But while they're talking, while they're doing this thing, Uh, it's it's kind of. Artificial in a way, you're just you're breaking the discussion. Sometimes it can be helpful. That's the form that's really very related to council practice, which is this sort of coming out of, but I wouldn't say it's necessarily artificial. What I'd say is that this is. This is related to our entire practice, that our entire practice is we create forms to do things.

[41:28]

You know, orioke. seems artificial. It's really, once you really fully enter it, it's a very logical and graceful way to dine, and the same thing with counsel. If you say, here's the form, we're going around, but also, the last point on this list is the right to pass. You know, you don't have to speak. Nobody's being compelled to speak. But if what you see as the form is that people are speaking as they're going around, then you're more encouraged to join in. And that's a really useful form that does address that kind of question. of course, that question of what is full participation.

[42:35]

And it doesn't necessarily mean that everyone speaks up in a bold and loud way. That may not be their way of participating. But creating environments where people with different styles can step forward. One of my favorites is always people breaking into pairs, or chop on to the front. And then when you report back, you're reporting back what your partner said. Yeah, that's another really useful approach. So, I've only got two more here. One is practice mindful listening, which is one of the places where I started. And what this means is that listen first. And this is one of the guidelines of of counsel as well.

[43:36]

And so many of us were in a group and we find ourselves backing our heads, reversing what it is that we want to say. And while we're doing that, we're not listening. So really, this is also a question of being at ease, that you have to be at ease with your spontaneity. and trust that if there's something for you to say, it will come up. But to really listen, often what you need to say may already have been said by somebody else, or you may hear something that really shapes your perception. And the final point to touch on is confidentiality. And what that means here is, in this context, is that you learn from this discussion, but if you're talking to someone outside, if it's a meeting or if it's a council or something intimate, you don't say, well, so-and-so said this.

[44:55]

you want to ascribe views to a particular person. And also, if you want to follow up with anyone regarding something they said, ask them first if it's okay to have a conversation about this. It may be stuff that's really sensitive and they don't, it's like they opened that box and they wanted to close it up when the session is over. They don't want to talk about it and that's fine. We have to learn to respect that. So there's a lot more than I could say completely. There's a whole, I don't know, maybe I'll talk about it next week. This is a book called the Chafetz Chaim. It's a Talmudic reading of kind of rules for communication. And it's extremely detailed, you know, about what the scriptures are, about how you talk of faults, whether they're true or false, even how you listen to them, and the sort of moral complexity, and it really approaches

[46:21]

I think it's talking about karma in its own Jewish or Talmudic terms, but it's really interesting because it goes into infinitely more detail than our precepts, which go into pretty good detail. So, we'll see. We'll see about going along with that. And the one takeaway I would say is just really think about this question of intent and impact. Think about how it works in our community, how it works in our families, and in our nation. I just think it's a critical distinction that I want to see folded into our vision of practice. I don't think it's an external element.

[47:24]

So I just, our time is almost up, but there's time for a couple questions and we can talk outside. I see this a lot in my work. I think it's a really good example, because in an environmental sense, we may have all of these good intentions for one group or one species or one habitat,

[48:24]

And by perhaps adjusting that or acting that, we're not seeing the whole. And this is what I would say about right view. To me, right view is not a fixed kind of, it's not a fixed lens. Sometimes a right view is really broad. And it's seen very widely and looking at the whole, a vast array of cause and effect. And sometimes it's really focusing very closely on what's in front of you. And that depends on the circumstances and what's appropriate. Yeah. What do you say to the, maybe 40% of the people that hate what they're saying today? are very adamantly against what they call political correctness and the constructionist view of it, and in fact enjoy the open parliament.

[49:34]

But what do you say to that? Well, the first thing I want to do is listen to it. Well, you do. What? You certainly are listening. Well, you know, What I feel is I'm hearing it, and I'm not always sure I'm listening to it because I close my ears. But there is a word in essence on political correct speech, and it comes right out. And one of the attractions of this leader is that he speaks like me. Yeah. So, as we're talking about this as if we'll contain everybody, clearly there's something that isn't going to happen, it seems. All I can do, and this is where it does come back to me, all I can do in that situation is to really guard my own tongue and my own actions and try to build

[50:47]

of community where those values are shared. And you know what? That may be all we can do, and in the long run it may not be enough. Someone who came from that part of the world, I would also encourage us to question whether or not our assumptions about them the norms of my community and would just kind of repeat them based on, well, this is the way the world works. The way the world works is that people are attacking my speech. But if you really start to ask them questions about what that means and what they believe, you find that it's something completely different than you thought. And that it's just, they want to be with their community. They want to be connected to other people. And this is what's being presented in the media as the

[51:50]

In the early years when I was at BPF, we evolved these listening projects in different parts of the country, where we would go to supermarkets and sort of lay out these various questions about war, questions about the Gulf War, and really invite Not argue with people, but hear what they had to say. And to the extent that we can do that, it's not always possible. You know, that's something we can do. I just wanted to ask Serge if you had any comments today. Yeah. of impact, good intention leading to a bad impact.

[53:10]

When you're standing on the corner of the boulevard waiting for the traffic to go by, so he can go across the street. So I'm waiting, and the good Samaritan stops the car so that I can go across the street. But they're not thinking about all the people attention, bad impact. But fortunately, we're still Yeah. Well, this is really in line with what the story that Andrea told last week about, you know, stopping for that door that was running by the side of the road, and there was nearly a disaster, and fortunately there wasn't, but there really easily could have been.

[54:16]

So, yeah. We can't step out of our track to help somebody else, easily, because you're going at 75 miles an hour, and you pass the dog, and that's the end of it. You can't get to it, you know, basically. So, thank you. I mean, I think that the element of grief is really important. And to be able to hold that in the midst of what's unresolved. This is part of our, really an essential part of our training is working with our grief, working with what we lose in our lives, working with losing our own abilities, those we love, and folding that in.

[55:35]

to the whole practice. This is, this is what we learned by just sitting and facing ourselves. It's not just grief, there's joy too. But grief is important. Because there's a lot of, there's a lot that's been lost. We have to end. Thank you very much.

[55:56]

@Text_v004
@Score_JJ