I vow to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. Good evening. Well, we're somewhere in the middle of aspects of practice. which is an opportunity for all of us to plunge in a little deeper to the forms that we have here and see what we're made of. It's different for each person and there's a certain air of informality to Berkeley Zen Center generally and aspects of practice. I wasn't here last year when we initiated this forum for deepening our practice and it was a little unclear to me exactly what aspects of practice was and my sense is that it's

[01:17]

or the theme, anyway, this time. And what seems to be pervading, not only during this period of time, but just generally here at Zen Center, is how do we bring the practice from the Zendo out into the world? And what is it about that gate out there that either helps or hinders us in that process. So I had some thoughts about that and I want to share them with you this evening. And I thought Richard's presentation last week was helpful in a way that I didn't fully appreciate. I think at the time talking about the Mettā Sutta and what we try to bring forth each Monday morning.

[02:20]

And when I thought about that presentation, I thought about, well, how does the Metta Sutta help us extend our practice? So I'm going to talk a little bit about that. And I also really would enjoy having a discussion and hearing different people's thoughts and sharing those. And that can happen at any time. We have an agenda to talk for a half hour, then open it up. So if a thought arises that you want to share with people, just raise your hand and we'll hear it out. So I'm going to recite the metta sutta and then hopefully that will set a little tone and then I'll carry on.

[03:24]

This is what should be accomplished by the one who is wise, who seeks the good and has obtained peace. Let one be strenuous, upright and sincere, without pride, easily contented and joyous. Let one not be submerged by the things of the world. Let one not take upon oneself the burden of riches. Let one's senses be controlled. Let one be wise but not puffed up. Let one not desire great possessions, even for one's family. Let one do nothing that is mean or that the wise would reprove. May all beings be happy. May they be joyous and live in safety. All living beings, whether weak or strong, in high or middle or low realms of existence, small or great, visible or invisible, near or far, born or to be born, may all beings be happy. Let no one deceive another nor despise any being in any state.

[04:44]

Let none by anger or hatred wish harm to another. Even as a mother, at the risk of her life, watches over and protects her only child, so with a boundless mind should one cherish all living beings, suffusing love over the entire world, above, below, and all around without limit. So let one cultivate an infinite goodwill toward the whole world. Standing or walking, sitting or lying down, During all one's waking hours, let one practice the way with gratitude. Not holding to fixed views, abandoning vague discussions, endowed with insight, freed from sense appetites, one who achieves the way will be freed from the duality of birth and death. In our liturgy, after we chant a sutra or recite a dharani, we have a thing called an echo, which is a dedication.

[06:07]

And the kokyo, or the person who leads the chanting, recites this echo or chants it. And I wanted to read the echo that proceeds the metta sutra. May our practice be seen with the awakened eye of Buddha, and may Buddha respond to our sincerity. We now dedicate the recitation of the Metta Sutta to this temple's deceased members, relatives, and friends, to the memory of this nation's and this world's actual benefactors, and to all sentient beings in the realm of the true law. May they be completely enlightened. And then we recite all Buddhas, ten directions, three times. All beings, Bodhisattvas, Mahasattvas, wisdom beyond wisdom, Mahaprajnaparamita. Well, the fundamental truth in our practice and in our life is that there is suffering.

[07:26]

And our suffering comes from clinging, or pushing away, or confusion, not knowing whether to hold on or to push away. And below that, or the essence or root of that, is a feeling of separation. Because in fact, if we see things as a part of us, or more accurately, a reflection of us, then the question of grasping or pushing away no longer comes up. Or if it does, it certainly doesn't have the same kind of hold on us or ability to knock us off our center. And when we talk about our life in the zendo and practicing together and feeling harmonious with our fellow practitioners, and then the struggle that we feel when we go outside the gate and feeling separate, the ensuing suffering causes discomfort.

[08:39]

And so the question arises, well, why does it feel so good in the Zen center and why do I feel so bad outside? And sometimes it transposes and sometimes we feel good outside and we don't feel so good here. But in any case, the fulcrum of that, the matrix of that point is this gate. During the question and answer last week I mentioned that Sojin felt that the Metta Sutta would be a good way for us to think about others when the Zen Center was going through some internal strife and there was some sense of factionalism and separation.

[09:41]

And if we think about our lives and our suffering, it tends to be around our point of view and our ideas about how things should or shouldn't be. And by putting energy outward, it takes it out of the realm of self-centeredness. And I'm reminded of a saying attributed to Soen Roshi, who was a Japanese teacher who came over in the 60s, who died in 84. When a student came to him and was bemoaning the fact that they were in a lot of pain and they were suffering and life was horrible and all that, he said something to the effect of, well, go help somebody else. And he was a Rinzai teacher, and he may have had a little more energy or force in the articulation of that directive that I just said, but the spirit of it is the same.

[10:50]

Which is that, kind of jokingly, well, you're lost, you're a lost cause, don't worry about yourself, because you're not, you don't, You don't get it. You're stuck. So make the best use of your time. Go help somebody else. And that is sort of the Zen rendering or a distillation of the Metta Sutta, which has that sort of the old school of Buddhism's flavor, which is very soft and warm, comforting, nurturing, cozy, and also instructive and helpful for others. So what is this gate that keeps us separate? Well, as Reverend Moncayo has lectured last Saturday, I believe it was, our reality is a product of our mind.

[12:15]

And the five skandhas which we chant each day at our temple, that are the doors, or gates actually, that we take in the world through, are what create this sense of self. Actually, they themselves don't, but it's the ego consciousness that does. So the merit that we accrue by chanting Buddhist sutras and doing prostrations and offering incense that the Buddha said we get, we don't want to keep that merit.

[13:21]

So we dedicate the merit, and that's what the nature of this echo is that we recite after this metta sutta. And by transferring the merit, it serves a couple purposes. One is simply to share it with others. When you get something nice, it's nice to share with other people. to deceased members, relatives and friends who are in our minds and hearts. Well, there's no way of quantifying this merit and whether these deceased members, relatives and friends actually get it. And tonight's presentation is not a presentation where we're going to prove that it works or not.

[14:30]

But something does happen when you sincerely make the effort to transfer the merit. And secondly, maybe even more important in this merit transference is the process of not holding on to anything and keeping things circulating, which Mel talks about from time to time in Asia, in Japan especially, where money moves around between temples in donations of support. It isn't so much the amount that's important. What's important is that things are moving and not kept still or not being held on to. And when you move things, there's a dynamism.

[15:35]

There's a life or activity that's created through that movement. You can feel it if you toss a quarter in someone's cup on the street. It feels different than if the quarter remains in your pocket. The first line of this echo, excuse me, may our practice be seen with the awakened eye of Buddha, to me feels like seeking validation for our practice.

[16:35]

May our practice is the relative side of things. We can look at our practice assess our practice and quantify it in some way. It's all about what we do, and there's validity to that. It's an important aspect to our practice not to forget what we do, what our contributions are. And may this practice be seen with the awakened Ayahbhuta. The awakened I of Buddha represents the absolute side, the side of oneness, the side of stillness, like the Buddha that is represented here on our altar, sitting still. And while the line reads, may it be seen by the awakened eye of Buddha, it could also be rendered, may be heard by the awakened ear of Buddha, may be touched by the awakened finger of Buddha.

[17:51]

So these five skandhas are the way in which things are received. So when we enter practice, when I entered practice, I was seeking lots of things. And certainly one thing that's come up over the years is validation. Am I getting it? Am I on the right page with what's being taught? And as I understand it, those questions that come up are good questions to keep in mind. It kind of keeps one on their toes. And more importantly is, who is the Buddha that sees the practice?

[18:57]

When we come to practice, when I came to practice, I was outside the gate. It was a gate. I was going to the temple and learning meditation and study program and doing retreats and all that stuff. And it felt very separate. And then after a while, with regular practice of having a daily schedule, sitting and studying, keeping the question up, the sense of which way the gate swings started getting a little blurry. It wasn't just going in, into the temple. It swings both ways. And while I still have that question of validation and okayedness, it isn't as Important isn't quite the right word, but it's not so up for me.

[20:16]

It comes up from time to time. Because we're all looking for validation. And that's why it's important to support each other in practice and to articulate through word or deed that the practice that you see in front of you as expressed from a sangha member is appreciated. And that Sangha member is no other than Buddha. It's not Buddha if it's done just as a courtesy to make you feel good. But if you're really practicing, people feel that. And the response comes in many different ways. And, um,

[21:19]

It isn't necessarily that we'll get a note or a phone call or a hug or a pat on the back or something to acknowledge something that we've done that's been encouraging to other people. But it's pretty amazing what effect we have on others when we really make the effort. So if Buddha responds to our sincerity, what does that look like?

[22:32]

If we're not separate from our experience, then we in fact are Buddha. And the response to our sincerity is just being. And when that happens, there's no longer a gate. It's just wide open. I asked Sojin what's about, what's it like for him when he gets caught or has some issues, something that sticks.

[24:48]

Or does that happen to him? Because I had a fantasy that when you became a Zen master, that didn't happen anymore. And I was educated to the fact that things do still stick a little. Things come up. But the difference is that you don't get caught so deeply. And you can catch things more quickly. So you don't perpetuate your suffering or others as long. And that feels like a pretty good way to live. I had a sense of that, but after hearing that, it validated.

[25:55]

Not that I need a validation that this practice is how I want to live my life, but it's helpful to hear from the teacher that they're still human and subject to cause and conditions and have some of the same questions that I have. The particulars of Sojin's questions are not as important, not so important, but the fact that he has to continually practice with his expectations and such validates that it's a lifelong practice and we're continually encountering a gate that sometimes is easy to open and sometimes sticks a little. So the dedication of the metta sutta

[27:13]

is done to this temple's deceased members, relatives, and friends, to the memory of this nation's and this world's actual benefactors, and to all sentient beings in the realm of the true law. While the temple's deceased members, relatives, and friends is a way to acknowledge all those who've come before us, and supporting the practice, who have supported our life and our family, and paying respects to all of that energy. Because that's actually who's with us when we come here. When we come to the gate, it's all that energy there, all of that karma. Zen Cape Blanche Hartman, the abbess at San Francisco Zen Center, was here some years ago and I asked her, Endoka-san, well, who are the nations and worlds actual benefactors?

[28:33]

It seemed like a, wow, a very exalted position and the recipients of that honor must be really pretty well along in their practice. And she sort of smiled. I didn't think that out audibly to her, but that's what I was thinking. And she smiled and she says, well, it's you and me. We're the actual benefactors. That feels good to me, that we actually received the benefits of all the efforts both so-called good and so-called bad that have come before us, the recipients. We receive all that. So that's the present.

[29:35]

And then to all the sentient beings in the realm of the true law, which is putting it out there to all beings, and it goes into the future. So the past, present, and future are all contained in this echo. When I was growing up and before coming to practice, I only thought in terms of duality. I don't remember any sort of feelings of oneness as such.

[30:38]

Right and wrong. Jew and Gentile. Black and white. Vegetarian and not vegetarian. That sort of thing. And I would get on my soapbox about the various things if they were important to me and argue some point. And that was one side. And then when I came into practice, my teacher in New York, Bernie Glassman, used to talk about the one body and this side of absolute and oneness, non-discrimination, non-duality. And that was the other side, so-called other side. And either extreme, without taking into consideration the other side, is unhealthy.

[31:41]

And he felt that people were going around with this sort of one body idea a little too much, and he didn't want people to say that, talk about the one body anymore. even though it's a very important concept, and more accurately, reality, the one body, the one thing. So, we have all these dualities, and then we have this idea of oneness, and maybe even, if we have the good fortune to have a little glimpse of oneness, And then coming through the other side, all of that. So we have this oneness and many-ness. And Anne Kennedy at tea last Saturday talked about our shared conditioning here at Zen Center. And while the idea of being conditioned doesn't sound so good, it has this sort of odor of like mind control.

[32:43]

I was really struck by that term, shared conditioning, because it was in response to the warmth and interconnectedness that we quite often feel here at the temple. So we have inside the gate in the shared conditioning and the sense of oneness and connectedness. And then we have this feeling of not that. And the tension between the two is what we as Zen students have to hold. We have to hold the tension of oneness and manyness. And the best way to do that is, I think, sitting Zazen. Because it really gets down to the base of our life and the causes of suffering.

[33:53]

And it seems like if we have enough practice under our belt and enough dialogue with sincere practitioners, a relationship with our Zen teacher, to check things out, that things start turning. And while we still have problems, and as Suzuki Roshi said, the problem you have now is a problem you'll have for the rest of your life, what we get out of this practice, one thing we get out of this practice is an ability to function with all of those Tensions. And we get to live with the discomfort that we feel in our mind or in our legs. But it's actually a transformation. Because most people don't live that way. Living with the tension.

[35:04]

Or kind of bearing with it. putting up with it, but actually actively living with the tension of oneness and manyness is our vow to wake up with all beings. The last little thing, the last big thing, the last middle thing I wanted to say before our break is that when we acknowledge our suffering, When we acknowledge or make public our transgressions at Bodhisattva ceremony or to ourselves or to our teacher or to our friends, we then have the opportunity to consciously

[36:14]

We have the opportunity to be present for increase and decrease in our suffering. And we become accountable. And it's no longer so much the other person or the other thing that's causing the suffering. It's us. It doesn't mean that the other person or the thing is out of the loop, but it changes things dramatically, because all we can really do is work on ourselves. And to me, when I can do that, when I can remember that, then the gate swings both ways. So why don't we take five minutes or so and stretch our legs or what have you.

[37:54]

Thank you. A very enjoyable movie last night called The Fisher King, which some of you may have seen when it came out years ago. I don't remember even it being in the theaters. It's a movie about this very self-centered, destructive, shock jock, radio disc jockey. And a realization that he has that he was responsible for a fellow blowing away a bunch of people in a bar. And he kind of goes, down. And then he meets a survivor of that event. And the survivor had gone crazy because his wife was killed in that event. And then he tries to redeem himself. The radio disc jockey tries to redeem himself by trying to help this crazy survivor played by Robert Williams.

[39:03]

And Today at work, there were a number of people that looked like they were homeless people, crazy people, that came into where I work. And I saw them a little differently today. They're all familiar faces, but I saw them a little differently. And you just never know when you'll wake up. and have an appreciation for people. One of my challenges is feeling separate from certain people. And I really recommend that movie. It's both funny and intense and heartwarming. and probably some other descriptors too, but those are the ones that come to mind.

[40:09]

Yeah, I wanted to open up for people who had questions or comments. And I'm just wondering about the concept of that gate. It seems to me that it's an illusion, that there's a reality in terms of it. I think when we're, as I understand it, when people have talked about children, newborns, they don't have a boundary, a sense of self and other.

[42:33]

somewhere along the way they develop that sense and it's both important and also can be a hindrance to their awakening. So we develop boundaries and then we learn to work with those boundaries. And the boundaries and gates, mind states and all that are always there, but I like to think of them as sort of a permeable Kind of like this zabutan here that is, the doshi bows on. They can bow anywhere, but this is the place where it happens and it helps to focus a person's energy and bring attention to what's going on by having it It could be there, it could be on the back tom, but this is where we have it.

[43:42]

At work, when I put my apron on and I swipe my card through the time thing, allegedly on. I'm at work now. And when I take my apron off, I'm not at work. And that's an illusion, actually. And when people go on a break, they typically take their apron off and they hang their apron up somewhere. which is what I do. And sometimes I hang out in the break room. And a co-worker, my manager actually, asked, he said, I'm sorry to disturb you on your break, but can you, do you know where the such and such is? And I had a sense of where it was. And it was, it wasn't so important that I just stay on my break. So I got up and went to the other room and showed him where this thing was that he was looking for. And was my apron on or was my apron off?

[45:03]

It's important to acknowledge, I feel it's important to acknowledge these things in our life that give us direction. And it's also important to just neck with it and trust that it's okay. It all kind of works out. I don't know if that addresses your question or if it's kind of roundabout. Is that? I guess we could take it one step further and say then or what? We could take it further, yeah.

[46:13]

What's that mean? What's that mean for us tonight in helping us understand where that gate is? I won't say works. You won't say what? I won't say works. Oh. That's it. That's the classic response in that story. You know, open the door, the light goes on in the refrigerator.

[47:25]

You try to, you know, close it when the light is still on, but then it goes off. So you can't, you know, It's either one or the other. It's not both. In this life. So do we have faith that the light will come on? Yes and no. Is there a shared conditioning that Yes, Ada. I just want to share something that, an experience that I've had. Feels like all this month, you know, on and off.

[48:28]

You mentioned sharing the merits. I'm going to call it awakening. I've had the experience of being very attached to supervisors' approval, father's love, you know, please love me, please listen to me, please realize who I am. And also I have been attached to looking good in the job situation. I'm in a new job right now and it's uncomfortable because there's a lot of things I don't know. And I had a situation today where before practice I would sit with those feelings and feel the tension and want to push it away and struggle. And today I noticed myself just feel the discomfort and realize there was a patient waiting, ready to get my attention. And in the past I would have just sat there without discomfort and not even noticed her.

[49:31]

And so I shifted the attention from me, my self-centeredness, to comfort her. And basically I just explained to her, you know, this is my second day but I will be with you soon. And as soon as I said that, she turned around and she said, at least you're nice. And I was like, you know, in the past I would have been more worried about how I looked. Right. And I just automatically, I just said to her, you know, it will be a little while because you do something like bear with me. And she just, I just really felt like I was with her rather than with myself, worrying about how I look. Yeah. And she got it. And so I feel like that's what you were talking about. Yeah. I think that happens most of the time. We may actually get someone firing back at us that will cause us impulsively to sort of defend ourselves and, you know, put the walls up.

[50:33]

It feels like as we practice and develop a ground and a heavy bottom, so we don't get knocked off, that we can actually trust the process. And we actually can come forward and share our discomfort and things with people. And given the benefit of the doubt, they'll acknowledge that in some way. And then there's a connection. There's no longer a gate between you and this other person or a counter between you and this other person. And the real struggle is, or a struggle, excuse me, is not to habituate into that all I have to do is be open, everything will be okay, that we have to kind of be careful at times too and approach each moment fresh and see how that's going to be. And not get attached to the fact that that's always going to happen. Right, yeah. Yeah, Mel once said, sometimes you can say something to someone, but then you've got to duck, because they might respond in a way which causes your need to have some self-protection.

[51:59]

which was actually, you know, it was funny when he said it and he kind of laughed when he said it, but it, it just reminds me that we, we still have a self, you know, it's, it's impermanent. It's, it's, you know, it's, it's ever changing and all that, but we still have a sense of self and we need to be careful around that. So, so looking good, feeling empowered and acknowledged and all that is just part of the, who we are. And, um, But it's not so self-centered as we practically start acknowledging others and then we're all empowered and we're all kind of coming together. That's the Bodhisattva way is to help others across before oneself. We're all coming together here. Yes. One thing I reflect on a lot is that I love the practice here and this place and how much effort and how much work it's taken to get this to all come together.

[53:15]

There's a photo album in the community room that has pictures of this building when it was gutted and the roof wasn't on yet. Just all the people who worked on it or repainted I've seen those replaced a couple of times, those gloves. And we're just riding the wave. I mean, it's still, you know, fruitful at times, and there's definitely a lot of work, and we do all the cooking for the sushis, and the gardening, and there's all this stuff going on still, but not like, you know, people who came before us. I mean, I know we just started the bare bones, and so I always feel really appreciative of, you know, Doug Liner, and Pran, and Maylee, and people who just paved the way for us who are here now. So I get this big feeling of gratitude, and I don't feel like I have to release that into the next generation, or release it into remembering them,

[54:28]

rather than just like, oh, wow, this is really great. So as a practice, you feel compelled to acknowledge that. And this gratitude that makes me feel really good. But I always feel like I want to put it out and do something for somebody else or just remember them. why I think that inspired me a long time ago to have that kind of practice. Yeah. It was nice having Dolly's picture up here on the altar. I suspect there are people that are quite moved by the written word or sounds of music. it evokes things for them.

[55:31]

And it does for me from time to time, but the power of images have really, are very deep for me. And it's a very expressive face that she has. And it just, it really, it spoke volumes about a person's practice, her loving kindness and contributions to our temple. And as I think it was Agam who said that he had never met her, but there was something about what people were saying that brought that spirit forward for people to remember. And I think to our sincerity and practice, it will come out in ways which will be flavored by what Dolly did for all those years.

[56:46]

I remember there was a picnic here once and Doug and Bill Milligan were barbecuing vegetables. And they even were laughing at us and saying, it's because of us that you guys get to practice here. It was so funny, and it was kind of a joyous occasion, and it was true. Bill Milligan and his wife were the early residents and they laid a lot of the drainage ditches and pipes and foundation things around. And Doug, of course, is still here and does a lot of work around here. I think it's easy for us to look at those ancestors.

[57:52]

Ron Ness is going to be giving a talk on Monday and he's certainly one of my models of practice. He goes back to 71 and you can see his handwriting in the early notes of practice committees and boards and whatnot. And even sitting up here and having the opportunity to talk with you all and present some Dharma and having a dialogue is validating and encouraging to my practice. But most of the time we don't get to do that. Most of the time we're practicing alone, fairly anonymously, on the streets, shopping for groceries, walking the dog, all the various things that we do in our days. How do we bring forth metta practice in those venues where we won't be seen by our teacher?

[59:01]

How can we carry on our practice when what we say isn't being recorded for posterity in the Zen Center library. You know, at square one, there's a story about the Buddha. and while there are apocryphal stories about Buddhas before Buddha and predictions of his arrival in this age and all of that it's generally accepted that while he had other teachers or he had teachers when he left the family compound he woke up on his own and shared his understanding with the five ascetics and then the tradition grew

[60:07]

So for me, that's a tension that I try to hold with equanimity. The first couple of years of my practice, I lived kind of in a monastic setting where we ate and ate together and worked together and there's a little time off for doing your own thing. But by and large, it was very cloistered. And it felt very easy to be in the groove or out of the groove because the teacher was right there and senior students were around to offer their advice or encouragement or discouragement depending on their personalities. But our practice is very different here because it's a lay community and we get to express our shared conditioning during Sashin during an evening class or a period of zazen but by and large we're kind of on our own out there just like the Buddha was.

[61:19]

So how do people stay encouraged out there? What ways, what techniques, what reminders can we keep in mind to encourage us, even in adversity, when we feel discouraged? Ann? Well, I was struck by the story you told about saw him rushing, and the person who was bemoaning their suffering said, go help someone else. And I expect he meant that literally, that that's one thing to do is to get outside of yourself and just look around and see what, you know,

[62:41]

How can I help? And be alert. You know, I try to, when I'm out in the world, sort of be alert to people who might need help. Just very simple things like, you know, they're going to drop a package or whatever and look around and then just other people and you stop thinking about yourself. And when I don't think about myself, I'm not suffering at all. You know? So that to study the self is to forget the self. I think it's pretty, Dogen's words are pretty important and that's one real way, I think,

[63:44]

the bodhisattva ideal and the practice. Just briefly, I find myself doing that in traffic where I'll see someone trying to get in a lane and they're sitting there waiting for someone to give them a chance and I'll just think, you know, I'll just slow down and let them in. I always amaze how appreciative people are. It seems like it doesn't take much. Yeah, it doesn't take much sometimes. Driving is the hardest. I mean, driving is when it all goes out the window. Really, that's the hardest. What about parking? Well, parking is easy because the car is so little And then Charlie, please, yeah And also

[64:48]

Yeah. The driving thing is actually really easy. I mean, I feel a sense of a gate, you know, when there's steel all around, we're sort of protected driving around. And actually it takes a lot to actually remember that there's somebody else out there behind their steel and just slow down and let them in. And then you can actually feel a connection with them. So the Berkeley Bowl parking lot. There's street sweeping on one side and on the other side. And I park my car on the side without the street sweeping. And I saw a guy park his car on the side with the street sweeping. And we're both walking into the parking lot and he's ahead to kick it, you might want to move it.

[66:25]

And he says, you're just trying to get my parking I couldn't top that one. Yeah, well, you know, that reminds me of a situation at work which is kind of an ongoing problem, not every day, but whenever I happen to work with this one person who just wasn't there, just wasn't present, and it just made it very difficult for me. as best as I could, I would try to remind them of particular tasks that would make the whole sort of unit there work more smoothly and as best as he could, he would try and more often than not would falter. It was really frustrating. It was continually frustrating and today was pretty bad and I found out that Saturday is his last day. I think he may have been

[67:27]

let go, but not in the Buddhist sense of the word of being let go. But I felt sadness because he was someone that just couldn't get it together. And I don't know if if and when they will get it together according to my expectation and criteria. And likewise, with this gentleman that you're trying to help out with the parking ticket, it's like, okay, well, here's the information. This is when you change the coffee or this is the parking thing and the parking ticket. And then, okay, it's your business and Right, yeah. Well said. How do you not let that kind of experience not carry through to the next incident? The experience of working with someone that is challenging for me?

[68:31]

Well, it does. It does carry over. That's where I get to see the karma of it all. because my irritation, agitation, I can feel it in the tension in my shoulders and I can feel it maybe with being a little short with my customers and it doesn't feel so good. And it reminds me when Mel, about a month or so ago, he was commenting about thing going on in his end, some people weren't sitting up straight or weren't walking on the balls of their feet and on the heels or doing something that was kind of upsetting to him. And he's getting impatient internally. I don't think he was expressing his frustration and impatience, but he said this in a public lecture. And then he said, um, I had to go back to my own practice.

[69:34]

I had to remember that it's, it's me, that it's all me. And, and, um, that's all I can do is just take care of my practice. And he just made this gesture of just kind of going back to, to that. And that's what I try to do. And, um, It's pretty challenging and for some reason I'm there and I feel that I'm at that particular job for reasons of working out my judging mind and my expectations of how things should be and all of that. and try not to attach to it. Because it changes every... I don't look at the schedule to see who's working with me on a given day. It changes each day, and the configurations are sometimes really... I know at the get-go it's going to be harmonious, it's going to be like a piece of cake. And then there are times I know it's, uh-oh, okay, and I got to, like, dig deep, as my friend says, you know, to try to find that place of imperturbability.

[70:42]

Because as Mel said, and any teacher, all teachers say, it's easy to practice when things are good, but when it's not so good, then you have the challenges. And I would go so far as to say even when it's going good, there's still challenges because there's attachment potentials to those people that we work with that are really great to work with, and then you feel sad when they quit. As Fran said, you know, one of the ancestors here, you know, why is it that when people get it, they leave? They get to end. Something else you said which is off the subject, present subject, was when she was dying, I was talking to her and she said, As someone else might have mentioned this recently, she said the five skandhas are falling, something like the five skandhas are falling apart.

[71:55]

Which you mentioned the five skandhas at the beginning. Right. So she had this sense or this feeling of them just kind of Was it conveyed in such a way that it was liberating, or it was scary, or was it qualified? It was just very matter-of-fact. It was more like, Andrea, I'm so sorry to say the five skandhas are coming apart. So she knew, you know. I mean, that's how she was. She was so polite and sweet. Yeah. So she was saying it was some regret on my behalf. Sorry to inform you. It's so sorry to inform you that the two skies are coming apart. So she felt that this, you know, this is it. Because I feel this. It's not.

[72:56]

Yeah. Sounds like the teaching. Yes, she recognized him. Yes, Randi. I think another, you asked, well, what encourages you? Well, I think another part of it is that, you know, if you're open to it, right, there are these little surprises. And you never know when they'll occur. But there are people out there who, they're practicing in their own way.

[73:59]

And it's sort of like some of the tea ladies, or they're usually tea ladies in the Zen koans, It seems to me like they're people that I come across and they're teaching and they might not even be aware of it, but that's what they're doing. And just to be in contact with them feels uplifting. Even maybe it's just for a few minutes. And sometimes they have particular things to teach you. But I find that very encouraging. I don't know if that makes sense. Oh, it does. I and I think everybody here encounters people who like that. When you said they might not even be aware of it, I was thinking of Anne's comment a moment ago about our awareness to see where can I help.

[75:07]

That it's fundamentally our awareness that will liberate us. And so being aware, we can help others and we can also receive the teaching of others by being aware and open to that rather than saying, well, they don't have a Buddhist robe, so I'm not going to listen to them or what have you, so the world is rich with teachers. Well, I guess that's the other, another side of this to me is that the gay, whatever it is, is to me that practice that these that the practice extends, you know, beyond the cushion, like, you know, walking to wherever you were or whatever. It just goes on.

[76:07]

And I guess some of the teachings here maybe are more crystallized and maybe they seem more focused and have an appearance. but to be able to take some of those out of here and to try to use them in the world is encouraging to me. I mean, I'm not saying I'm always successful, I certainly fail or, you know, my efforts are imperfect, but the practice helps me maybe to just sort of take a moment and before I react or say something, you know, on a good day, and just to sit with whatever's happening and see what's going to happen next. And, you know, this is especially important in my situation, like in my work situation, because one of the places I work is a psychiatric unit, so I really, it's very important that I understand that practice

[77:21]

And sometimes, again, the people who are just, they might be admitted, they're not even admitted, they might not be on any medication, so we're talking about people who are genuinely out there. And sometimes, like today, this woman, I thought that I made contact with her, but by the end of the day, her name had changed, and she didn't, you know, I don't know who I represented to her, but it was not good. And so finally I had to say to her, you know, well if you need to take some time, go ahead. And not have any attachment. I'm reminded of this gate and the swinging, and it's in my beginner's mind. So Ziggurat, she talks about this door and swinging in and swinging out, and we breathe in, we take in the world, and we breathe out, we let go of the world. So we breathe in all these things that causes pleasure or suffering or indifference, what have you, and then we let go by breathing out. And it's this constant practice on the cushion that enables us, I think, fundamentally to carry on.

[78:28]

in our life, in all the various things that we encounter. Andrea? Building on something that both Rhonda and Anne said, on the surface of the work that I do, it looks like work that will help people. And over the years I've found that I can have a great deal of ego and separation in how I do that work. It's not necessarily helping people. And when I first started practice there are ways of approaching the work that I held like having an intention to be helpful, holding the Shantideva vows as I would go into the room or doing metta in a difficult situation. And that was helpful. These days what I've been working with, what's come, is I'm so aware of the sense of suffering that I have when I feel closed, when the gates close between me and the person who's sitting next to me in the room. And that is its own inspiration for being more present.

[79:29]

And what comes to mind more often now, when I sit down with someone and it's difficult, because sometimes, like Ronji says, it's just difficult, is to say to myself, I don't know. I don't know who I am. I don't know who this person is in this situation. I just don't know. And that person becomes the tea lady, oftentimes for me. Thank you all for your attentive listening and contributions. May the rest of Aspects of Practice go well for you and for me. And let's sit here just one minute And then you can clunk it. You keep the time. Yep. Okay.

[80:55]

Things are numberless. What happens or what do you do when you have all that stuff going on and I have all this tension in my body, I can feel it. Well, when things are going right, I can feel that too and how things work sort of harmoniously in the workplace. It's both those things, it's both those tensions of things uncomfortable and a practice that I don't particularly want to cultivate and then a practice I do want to cultivate. So it's this ongoing effort to try to cultivate that harmony and groundedness and cooperation. bringing forth Buddha in the workplace and making an altar there at the cash register and It's an ongoing Practice it's not I had this fantasy that it would just be that way all the time But as Mel said about getting caught it's you get both those and it just seems like we Remind ourselves to come back to work

[82:44]

By the grace of Buddha, we get to experience that a little more, and it's encouraging. So, not to push away those feelings of resistance, and not to sort of glorify, get up on a pedestal about the things of harmony, but just see it as all just compost.

[83:06]

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