I'm gonna do my best to land this in time. day sit. And welcome to those of you who have joined us online to attend.

[01:07]

I first want to start by giving my thanks to our inviting teachers Linda Roshi and Greg Roshi for the opportunity to sit in this seat today. It's really a privilege and I'm really happy to be here with you all. So thank you, and I must say it's also a delight that our abiding teachers have the same last name for the first time. That's funny. I was making my vows in the Abbott's office just now, and I looked up to read was written on one of the framed statements and calligraphies there, and it really moved me for us today. This was the very first sushine that was conducted by Suzuki Roshi in San Francisco on February 21st, 1960.

[02:16]

And he says as part of this, it will be very difficult to keep the continuous effort for but we must continue it forever. And our little ragtag group of people who are just enough to fill all the positions and just enough experience to keep the container of Sashin, I thought it was a perfect statement. It's a rare day to be able to sit together like this. It's kind of a tradition in Zen temples and somewhat in this temple that on days where we have a day of sitting, we talk about Zazen, particularly on multi-days, particularly apt today to talk about what we do in Zazen. So that's what I'm planning to do with this talk, the title which is something like The Backward Step.

[03:18]

Mainly today we're going to be doing sitting. We've started facing the wall. We'll do other things too. We've been cooking and serving and bowing, eating together, doing the dishes. We'll continue through the afternoon. But really all of this is Zazen. The fun elements of Zazen, of paying attention. and continuing to harmonize with each other. We say to collect body and mind, to pay attention and to let go. And surprise, the whole world is right here. The true reality of our lives is the most inexpensive and most interesting of all activities. Today, the most inexpensive and interesting of all activities. And why is that? It's because we're totally present when we do it.

[04:23]

I've been thinking a lot about our great benefactor, a long-time practitioner, Ron Nestor, who some of you know. We did a memorial conversation last week about him. Ron was here for years. I think he is, without much argument, the apple that fell closest to the tree here at Berkeley Center. And even though Ron has been gone from the Bay Area for a year, his presence feels really timeless to me. And I think part of why that is that Ron had fully present with people when he was with them. He'd look you in the eye. He'd listen with his whole body. and there was nothing that he was looking for. He was just interested. He was just really interested in whatever he was doing and whomever he was with.

[05:27]

He trained his body and mind for his whole adult life to just show up. He came to Zen and at kind of the heyday where all of these terrific teachers from East Asia, from Asia, and he availed himself of them. He went to New York to see Master Shen Yang, did a number of retreats there, someone whose primary focus was the meditation experience. He became a real aficionado of Trompa Rinpoche. He was a delight when the collective works of Trompa Rinpoche came out. volumes that are about this wide on the shelf, and Ron was delighted to have the money to spend to get the one, just the one, on meditation. He came just after the afterglow of Suzuki Roshi. I would say, next to Sojin, the most faithful to practice here.

[06:30]

Not faithful to Sojin, but faithful to the way and the kind of practice we have. In preparations for this talk and knowing that Ron was ill, I listened to a number of his talks as well as Sojin's talks. And they're almost all on Sazen in some way, shape or form. And somewhat famously in one of his last talks, his idea of what the formula was or how to think about what we do kind of shifted over time. You know, the last version of it was that it's 25% mindfulness, 25% attention or awareness, 25% awareness and 50% letting go. So I'll hold that in mind when I come to what I'm going to say. Dogen has a lot to say in a certain way.

[07:34]

in a certain way about what Zazen is. He says, of course, to be the self is to forget the self, etc., etc. And he doesn't really tell us how to do that. He just throws that statement out. It's kind of enigmatic, a phrase, an image, a metaphor, something that you can't really fully put your hand on or your mind around, rather. lands in the back of our consciousness and slowly over time it begins to take root. And this whole question of what the backward step is one of those phrases for me. What is the backward step and why is it backward? I want to put aside the intellectual practice of understanding and phrases and learn to take this backward step that turns the light and shines it inward.

[08:36]

What light? Whose is it? Where does it come from? How do we know? Now I have to push pause and say I forgot to say something I really wanted to at the beginning of this talk and I wanted to enough that I'd like to really invite all of you Oftentimes, when we listen to a talk, we're listening to the words and phrases to give us some information. I hope something lands. But I'd really like to encourage all of you to sit Zazen right now. I'd like all of you to please find your Zazen posture, find your Zazen eyes, particularly. Put yourself in a position and just receive what I'm saying, how I'm saying it, in a way that you take it into your body. It's a really terrific way to listen to all lectures, but I particularly today wanted to invite you to try that on and see what that says.

[09:48]

So we make an effort in Zazen to uncover or understand what these words mean to us in our own way. And it's a paradox that we're doing something, we're actually putting forth a fair bit of effort, without trying to make something happen. There are qualities of Zazen that both support and deepen our spiritual experience. And there are qualities also that we may notice arising or manifesting in us. These qualities are sometimes thought of in one framework as the seven factors of enlightenment. They're kind of like the ingredients or the ways in to the recipe. The recipe of how this is cooked and made is actually done independently by each of us in our own way.

[10:51]

For the purposes of this talk, I'm going to be talking about what we do in Zazen and these factors of enlightenment. And I think of them as having factors that focus on meditation. That's all seven of them are a part of the experience. All of them are qualities, aptitudes that we have. But I feel like the three are the foundation and the other is kind of an issue for the meditation. as our practice ripens, as it cooks, as the ingredients meld. The first, of course, is mindfulness. A lot of what we do here, a lot of why we practice the forms that we practice, we are aware of how we walk in the zendo and shashu, the ways in which when we close the door,

[11:53]

We actually feel the wood come together so that it closes quietly. We feel the slide of the rock as it goes so it doesn't clang. And we finish it softly and then we turn around. We take care of each and everything with our attention on it. Mindfulness has become quite a buzzword since the 1960s. It's usually meant as something like the opposite of mindlessness, like pay attention to what you're doing so you don't trip over the parking bump, or you're making choices that you really want to. But the kind of mindfulness that we're talking about in Buddhism is different, and in dynamic. It takes in the whole, and it can see into more than just the bare form. It notices something beyond, I think, because it's in relationship with what's happening.

[13:01]

It's not us as the actor acting on, but it's a kind of relatedness. It's going to use the word communion. That's a little bit too much, perhaps, but it's It's a connection. It's a solid connection in the activity of what's happening. We thought of having two components. There's attention and awareness. Attention means taking notice of someone or something regarding someone or something as interesting or important in our life. or interesting or important. Why wouldn't it be? It's what we're doing right now. Is not all the moments of the day important to you? And is not what you're doing right now important?

[14:03]

Be interesting if you really pay attention to it. There's also awareness. awareness, the knowledge or perception of the situation or fact. It's taking in the whole. And I'd add, is not a self-interest. Again, I think that's part of why Ron is so alive for me and he made such an impression on so many of us, is that there wasn't any self-interest in his activities. He was just present. I don't mean to reify him, but I'm just thinking about my experiences of him when I say this. So when we chant, we chant each syllable. Chanting to get through the chant, but we're actually paying attention to each word completely with our whole body

[15:12]

with our ears so that we're in harmony with each other. When we notice that the kaga, the flower, is empty, we get up, we go and look for a towel to dry the flower off. We move the bowing mat so we don't drip water on it, and we take a flower that's already been dry it and put it back so it's fresh. Taking care of every part, thinking not just of what I'm doing right now, but also having the awareness of how to do that in a way that recognizes what it is that you're doing and what the other possibilities are and what you're doing. So you're really taking in the whole situation and you're paying attention. This is how we practice mindfulness.

[16:17]

I think that mindfulness can be likened to receptivity with presence. That just came to me as I was putting this together. Maybe that's a little redundant as I say it out loud to you now. But I'm really partial, as I'm working with these and for this talk, to think about the idea of presence, not just showing up, but actually being given to what is. I don't feel like I normally am, and I bet most of us aren't either. Usually there's part of the mind kind of running in the background. It's like the noise that's running in the background, the storyline, even when you sit zazen, of course. But for example, as I was sitting in the office kind of reviewing the talk a little bit, Part of me was wanting to turn around constantly to see how much time was left before I'd have to go put my encase on.

[17:18]

That's what I mean about part of the mind's running in the background. You don't always notice it. We're not aware of what's happening. I think most of the time we're not. But to actually put that extra 10% of my attention on what I'm doing is a very different experience. It opens up a real presence. You know, and I also think the longer we do, the longer possible it is to sit comfortably and to have this happen. You know, in my early years of sitting, it was so much pain that I had to put all of my attention on my breath or my posture in order to get through the period. That's rarely true anymore. It's a memory, but not an actuality for me. And I think that's true for emotions too. This is what we call spiritual bypass. You're actually not engaging with what's happening.

[18:20]

You are able to be okay, looks like good in the moment, but there's actually more going on underneath that you're not necessarily fully open to. So mindfulness of really giving your full attention, full presence with the receptivity of Whatever it is. Whatever it is, I'm up for it. Whatever it is, welcome. These examples are a little out of place maybe, but there's a real presence with someone. You really recognize the presence with someone when they're fully . You may know someone who's like that. like some of us here did. I'm also thinking of the way in which you'll see someone who's a craftsman, or really attuned to what they're doing, gives their full attention.

[19:21]

And I have many of us watching Sojin set out his oreo-gi set, holding each of the claws, putting out his bowls, setting out his utensils with such intense attention and delight. It was just like watching a child in a sandbox playing with his because he was just so attuned to it. The kind of awareness is not an awareness of looking around. It's an awareness of tuning in. It's an awareness of harmonizing. Seeing that was when I went to Japan. So walking is just regular walking in the town in Kyoto, in a busy city. And the sidewalks are narrow. They're not as wide as our sidewalks are here.

[20:21]

And two, the streets would be passing and bicycles would be traveling in and out. And somehow, kind of magically, people would move off to the side just enough, and there were no horns honking, there was no one saying anything to anyone, there were no bells ringing, but somehow people knew how to listen and tune in and move out of the way. It's that kind of an awareness. It's a full body kind of awareness. Kitchen practice is a great place to practice mindfulness. And Ron's kitchen. He's the one who was always aware of which burners burned hot, which tended to flicker and go out if you turn them down too low, which pots were a little warped and you had to be careful to stir more often in that pot and things would stick.

[21:23]

knew and paid attention to all of those changing conditions and how he was cooking. He was focused, but also noticing, noticing everything. He also liked to cook the same thing over and over again. When I was training as a cook, when he told me that, I was flabbergasted. I was, at that point, so into trying to figure out what the five flavors were, and how to make the food taste great, and what about the different colors and temperatures, and let's make it really good, and let me try it in different ways. I think breakfast was always something like rolled oats, miso soup, and the third bowl was maybe, I don't remember, maybe someone here does, something like tofu or vegetables, over and over again. And each time, the delight of seeing how they were different. A little bit different.

[22:25]

He was a little bit different. He knows how it was a little bit different. And so that was really what was interesting to him. That was quite a teaching. Mindfulness. Mindfulness is like the activity of awareness. I think concentration, the second of the factors of enlightenment I'm going to talk about, is like the focus of awareness. Concentration can be single-pointed, like when we focus on the breath specifically, narrow. In some meditation practices, there is focusing on a candle or a phrase, or it can be wide. It can be a kind of spacious awareness, maybe like what a cook will do when they're... ...to the different things that are happening.

[23:27]

In our practice, the primary form of concentration is posture. Maybe that's a surprise to you that I'm saying that. We usually start with breath. I think a breath is really easy because it's so... It's easy to develop concentration. It's always there. And through times of mental turbulence, especially early in practice, we're finding a way to actually show up and be present can be hard. Breath is a real reliable standard. It's terrific in pain, too, I've found. Life to life, opening to life on the in-breath, opening to the moment on the in-breath and on the out-breath. settling, stopping, release, particularly giving full attention or devotion, say, to the out-breath, to the natural pause.

[24:28]

It's very good for helping settle and concentrate the mind. Posture, though, more completely, for me anyway, brings me to the present moment. being aware of where I am in my body. The phrase that always comes up to me or the story that always comes up to me with this is what James Joyce says in the Dubliners when he describes Mr. Darcy as standing three feet outside his body. His mind is running somewhere else and he's not connected to what he's thinking and where he is physically. And I would bet if we paid attention, that's pretty common fear for most of us. Sojin would say, give the mind something to do, like, come on back, get into me body, get into me body, come on right back, let me connect the two of you.

[25:35]

And so when we give ourselves Zazen instruction, we settle into the posture. We are, whether we're sitting on on a bench, on a cushion. We are grounded to the earth. We're connected to the sky through the uprightness of our vertebrae and posture. We open the chest with our breath, opening out to that around us. We can light parts by crossing our legs if we can or otherwise placing them. Our mudra connects the left and right parts, and the tongue on the roof of the mouth connects the whole. So we become one whole functioning present. And repeating these instructions brings the body and mind back together to the present moment. We only live where we are. We only live where we are, not where our mind is.

[26:38]

We actually live and manifest where we are physically. And so connecting the two mentality to what we do. We can show up, that extra 10% that's running in the background, we show up to what it is we're doing. Zazen begins to just do Zazen. And as the mind relaxes, the self and the activity of the mind is just manifesting our life moment after without hiccups, hangups, hesitations, or hallelujahs. It just is moment by moment what it is. Suzuki Roshi says, there's no right mind with which to do zazen. Just doing zazen is the right mind. I find that so brilliant and encouraging. You don't have to show up in any particular state of mind. You don't have to be actualized. You don't have to have ever done this thing before. All you have to do is sit zazen and your right mind will be there because it is right just the way it is.

[27:43]

We can trust ourselves to manifest and get out of the way, out of this posture. Suzuki Roshi says, just let each part of your body do zazen. I found that was a stunning instruction when I first heard you do that. I heard these instructions at the beginning of the first long sashim during a practice period at Tassajara. Everyone was a little bit antsy and nervous about how this was all going to go for them because, wow, you're going to sit for nine days or whatever it was, early morning to late at night, and it was going to hurt a lot, wasn't it? Just let each part of your body sit sazen. The thigh just does spinous. The foot just as a foot. The shoulder just sits as a shoulder. And somehow the parts all fit. together. He also says the same is true of thinking.

[28:51]

You accept your thinking because it is already there, Suzuki Roshi said. You cannot do anything about it. There's no need to try to get rid of it. The practice is frankly accepted with openness of mind no matter what you're doing. So just like the thigh is just the thigh, the mind is just the mine. just allowing those things to pass by, just allowing them to arise and go. True concentration, he says, is being able to give full attention, actually these are my words, to be able to give full attention and devotion to whatever it is, whenever it arises. Whatever it is, whenever it arises, no matter how challenging it is. The Zazen practice and our care and effort in it is a steady stream that is always available to us no matter what the turbulence is inside or outside.

[29:56]

It is as reliable as the waves on the ocean and as steady as the ocean floor. The truth is, and I wonder if it's a surprise to you, that this place is always, always, always available to you. and always has been. Sometimes it's not as easily accessible, but it's always there, turning towards what's really happening, what's really present. It's possible to find the ground of samadhi right there. Sojin said, I'm quoting him here, the nature of mind is samadhi. The nature of mind is samadhi, and I have that there is a still point in the midst of everything, and that ssang can reveal it to us. The story I want to tell about this is there... In fact, I can just say I'm aware of it all, but I was always a pretty anxious person.

[31:08]

I mainly thought I was an irritable person. But actually, What was underneath that was a lot of anxiety that I wasn't really aware of. Not sure other people were either. Underneath the anxiety was a lot of fear. The more I practiced, the more accessible some of those feelings were. And one Saturday after Saturday program, I came home, took care of what I needed to, and I was heading out in my car to go take care of whatever else I was going to do that day. And I was hit by a set of feelings for me, overpowering anxiety. I had this quivering and tightness, heat, heat and cold in my body, a kind of inner tremulousness. I wasn't shaking. And I was just absolutely awful. I could fall out of my skin. It was so bad. And somehow,

[32:10]

I decided, or somehow just consciously, the only thing that I wanted to do was to be present to it. And I... What else are you going to do? That's like an emergency. What else are you going to do in an emergency but to show up? So I showed up to it and... Well, I can testify. I showed up to it and it dissipated. I mean, it really dissipated by giving it my full attention and awareness and acceptance for what it was. And I'll say I've not had another episode like that. And the anxiety, my experience of anxiety overall really had diminished from that point on. To then see other aspects of my life that I hadn't seen before. But the ground of samadhi was there and I didn't walk in off the street and have that happen.

[33:16]

I'd probably been practicing for 10 or 12 years at that point in time. I was a slow learner. But the ground of samadhi is always there for us and somehow it's reassuring to know that when things are really turbulent and difficult. The third of the factors of enlightenment are to study the self investigation, which is maybe related to Dogen's study the self, I think. Of course, it's not like taking psychology 101 or biology 101 or physics class. It's not studying. Sometimes journaling is helpful for people, but not while you're sitting Zazen, and not as a primary focus. Maybe creative things are more helpful, but the kind of investigation I believe is being talked about here is naturally spacious.

[34:23]

It's like presence, but with a more actively engaged mind or beginner's mind, not having preconceived ideas about how the usual might arise. Not only does it come and go, but it changes and moves. This quality of investigation appeals. It's subtle and unexpected in the way that it reveals itself. It's a moment-by-moment engaged awareness of experience that's not seeking, not asking, but noticing and experiencing. Again, not building a story, not making notes. Opening, just opening. And that story about anxiety maybe is one of them. Just opening to what is this? I also want to say it's not so much about seeing from the outside, but more from the inside. It's just like when seeing sees and hearing hears.

[35:31]

There's not so much a person that's doing it, it's an experience. When the blue jay sings, my throat vibrates. When the bird takes off, I feel it cross my arms. When the kaisako hits, there's a wake-up stick that we used to use here, a real story, the kaisako hits, my neighbor and the whole world of my father's karma drops away from me. Where did that come from? I don't know. Something about the quality of openness and investigation that manifested. I think in my experience, investigation may start with a question. Sometimes I will do that before I sit. Or an intention. a request, may I cultivate a heart that's kinder, that kind of thing.

[36:32]

But it stops short of thinking the answer is within the realm of what I can imagine or lies in wait for the open employment of all my senses. It's just that we might imagine and it lies in wait with open employment of all the senses. I just don't know. I don't know where these things come from. You don't either, but they do. So investigation is where ideas about things fall apart. They become more porous and reactivity slow down and other possibilities usually closer to things as it is here. The quality of Zen practice is that it's ineffable and elusive to try to express. It's beyond thinking. And it can seem mysterious because it bypasses our usual ways of thinking and handling information. Not only does it short-circuit the ways in which the brain works to group information on discrete concepts and cluster them for the ease of processing, but it bursts open the realm of possibilities.

[37:49]

It's noetic. Noetic means drawing on some knowledge. but from a deeper, more intuitive sense. And I'd add to that an impersonal sense. As my ideas are less attached to an idea of who I am or how I think things are, the more they can range to places that I can't imagine. And it is a paradox, I think, that the more in touch we are with our own experience, the more... the very basis of our understanding of our own personal lives in our study, the more the reality of things open up, the freer we become of all of those things, the more we study them. In my experience, Dogen's absolutely right. So mindfulness, concentration, and investigation are what I'm calling the three factors of enlightenment.

[38:54]

that are directly related to the meditation experience or the effort that we bring to the meditation experience. Three of the others I just want to mention are calmness or tranquility, equanimity and joy. And I think perhaps you could see how they are so available once we have the stability of showing up to things as they are. A calmness that comes from knowing that things come and go When you see that things come and go, there's nothing to push against or to run after. It's all going to move. The mind actually wants to be calm, to be relaxed. They actually like it when relaxed, right? It's a natural tendency, just like the ground is samadhi, the ground is also peaceful and calm.

[39:57]

And when we can show up to the present, there are no worries. Worries are about . Regrets are about . But in this present moment right now, there just is what there is. So, there really isn't room for a word there. Explore that. See what you think about that. I have, to my surprise, there is truth in it. Calmness also has a quality of acceptance. Acceptance of what things are. Radical acceptance, I think, is what leads to equanimity. Do you really get that things are the way they are? Women teachers, women ancestors, Bailey Scott said here, nothing is ever out of place. Nothing is ever out of place, no matter that I don't like it, no matter that I may find it morally unacceptable, but things are, they just are.

[41:06]

It's a very grounded and clear starting place for knowing what to do. Joy, you can imagine a sense of freedom that comes by not being pinned in by one's ideas about things. Openness to the possibility of what really is that's beyond our usual ideas, my usual ideas of what the world looks like or who I am or what I'm like. Joy is not the kind of giddy happiness of getting things or But it's an unshakable trust in our lives. It's an unshakable trust that life is what it is and that we're in the right place, if you will, as a part of the workings of this reality. So Dogen says, turn the light inward, take the backward step, take

[42:11]

Take the backward step into this experience, into this understanding, to open and to let go the 50%. Maybe it's more than 50%. Maybe the longer you go into practice, it's like almost all of it is letting go. That light appears. It's not that it was ever absent. It's always here. That light is always here. We think we're going someplace. I'll go to the Zen Center. I'll practice. Well, maybe it will take me 10 years, 25, 40, but then I'll be great. I can say you already are. Kind of, right? You already are. The light is always right there. Always right there. And sometimes in a moment you'll touch it and you'll know.

[43:18]

And that somehow makes it possible to keep going. I think of this, my experience of this is like stepping backwards off the edge of a cliff. There's nothing there, but I don't fall. There's nothing there. I don't know how this is going to work. I don't know, but somehow it's okay. So as I read and prepared for this talk, I very much had Ron in my mind. He always seemed at ease and never in a hurry. He kept carrying the water cans out after mornings on my way to work. And Ron would stop and put him down. And it's like he could talk for 15 or 20 minutes. And I'm thinking to myself, Ron, don't you have to go to work? One time I asked him, He said, yeah.

[44:18]

He didn't say it, but right now he was talking to me. He had to do. I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with him in the last few years of his life. And what I found is, as he got sicker and lost more of his abilities, he could be frightened. Sometimes he could be pretty upset. He could be worried. But it always stopped right there. You know, most of us, when I worry, goes on, and it's got a real long, long tail. With Ron, he just worried, and then it was something else. And his emotions didn't really bleed out onto other people. You didn't allow yourself to get caught up by them almost all the time. And that was true even when his short-term memory was so bad that he had nothing to process what was his way of processing it.

[45:26]

It was just in him. It was just in him to be present to whatever was in the moment. He stayed present and connected all the way to the very end. And in that way, it does seem to me like he hasn't gone anywhere. So we have this precious day to sit and to practice together. Let's make the most of it. I really want to invite you to take your time with everything you're doing and do it completely. Pay attention to how it feels. Notice where you are and what's going on. The bell's already rung that zazen's begun and you are so-called late. It's no problem. Just come in in exactly the same careful, mindful way. You're not late.

[46:26]

You're just doing what there is to do. Support each other in the container. Be mindful of speech. Step away from areas if you have something to say. Maybe you don't actually really have to say anything. and just pay attention, kind of move with what's happening. Think about silence of the eyes. You don't necessarily have to look around or connect with everyone. There is a warm, friendly, caring feel here that we all carry together when we sit. And we can feel that we're looking at each other with a big smile or whether we're just practicing together in one way. So, Please enjoy the day. Enjoy being with each other.

[47:19]

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