Welcome back, everyone. And I see there are a few new folks, so welcome if this is your first day, and welcome to everyone online. It's a beautiful morning here. And thank you to Linda Roshi for inviting me to give this talk. Last night after we had the Suzuki Roshi conference, memorial ceremony, the annual ceremony. I was riding my bike home and the full moon was rising above the Berkeley Hills. I'd forgotten it was full moon. It was so beautiful. And I was just filled with this, you know, this feeling like it was so appropriate after just having had that ceremony. And I was like, there he is. And there was that kind of special and yet ordinary feeling here in the Zendo, talking to him.

[01:07]

I love the way we do that. And I had a strong sense that Sojin Roshi and Hozan Roshi were right here with us as well. It was a lovely thing. So as I look around this morning, I'm wondering how everybody's doing, how it's going, how are our bodies, and how is our mind, and how is our breath, our breathing. Even though it's quiet and it's still, and it has been pretty much all week, We can't really know what's going on inside any of us on the inside. I can't venture a guess what's going on in any one of you and you don't know what's going on inside of me. Linda's been reading to us and talking about the four foundations of mindfulness.

[02:16]

Kind of a systematic guide for mindfulness. applying our awareness to these areas of our experience, the body, the feelings, the mind, the mental formations, mental objects. So I'd like to talk today a little bit about what we actually do right here this week, what we are doing here this week with those areas of our practice. what comes up, what arises, and how do we actually work with it? What's our purpose here? And how do we practice with what's pleasant and what's unpleasant and what's neutral? Suzuki Roshi said that during a sashin, we should be like a turtle. We should pull all our

[03:19]

into our shell the way a turtle pulls its legs and arms and head and tail into its shell to be still and quiet and safe. And, you know, he's talking really about the five senses and the mind. And he's saying when we do that during Sashin, you know, it's... It's what we do. We go inside. And at the end of Sashin, we'll go out the gate and all our limbs, like the turtles, will be out again and we'll be active again. But when we're inside the shell, there's nothing that's going to destroy us in that quiet, still place. So it's day five for some of us, and it's day one for some people, and it's day three or two or four, whatever, for other people.

[04:32]

And I was thinking that might have some different meaning, different things that come up. Like day one, there's the anticipation of what's coming. You know, could be some excitement, could be dread, could be both. Could be, what am I doing? Could be, oh, this is great. You know, we've all set aside this time. And then, you know, if this is day four, yes, I guess yesterday was the middle. Yeah, right, the middle. Then there's some feeling maybe of relief. Like, you know, I got through the hat. I'm in the middle, you know. I'm on my way. But now day five is kind of moving towards what we think of as the end. So there's another kind of anticipation and we have to be careful about this kind of anticipation because it's so easy to be jumping ahead now.

[05:39]

Oh, I'm almost done. I'm not gonna have to eat tofu anymore on Monday. and what I'm going to do, and just all that stuff that comes up, right, or can come up if we're not careful. And it can really distract us from what we're really doing here. So while it's true that there is a beginning and there is a middle, and actually in the context of our practice, there's no beginning and there's no middle, And there's no end. Because Sashin is about, the purpose of Sashin is to be with what is. That's it. To be with what is. And it's so difficult to be with what is. But that's our purpose here.

[06:42]

You know, yesterday we might have had a great day or, you know, something special. Or even this morning we might have had a great period of zazen. But now we're here, right? We have to turn towards this moment, turn towards this period. And tomorrow, if we're lucky enough to wake up, we have to turn towards that day and whatever that brings us. We have to find the truth of this particular moment and keep doing that because there's no formula and nothing's ever the same. And I was thinking when we come on day one, we may come with something that's been happening in our life. And we have to kind of check in each day that we're not letting that something creep into our Sashin, dominate our thoughts.

[08:00]

So, for example, for me, what was going on is I had some physical concerns before coming to Sashin. I had two recent injuries, one to my left knee and one to my right foot. And I'm recovering, but... It's not back to normal yet. And then on the weekend, I wrenched my back out in the garden, and I thought, okay, what's next? And so I swam to try to swim it out, and I soaked, and I did a few exercises, and I made an appointment with the chiropractor for next Monday. And then when I came here Monday on my way, I thought... Okay, I kind of coached myself. Okay, you've done what you can do to take care of it, and now when you go through the gate, just show up and give it your best shot and see what happens.

[09:05]

And I'm sure it's that way for each of you, that you have something that was going on in your life. It could be physical, but it could be or it could be a problem or a conflict or something really enjoyable that you're looking forward to or planning. Or it could be something, some mental anguish even. Political concerns, concerns about the state of our country, the state of the world. And coming through the gate, we put that aside. We leave it outside the gate as best we can. It's not that thoughts don't come up. I've had some thoughts about the knee, about the back, but I'm just watching that. I'm not letting it dominate or distract me because it could easily pull towards some kind of panic or over-concern.

[10:15]

So we just keep checking that each day. So what are we doing on day five with no past and no future? It's kind of like we're here to flow like a river. You know, the purpose is to be with what is. Sometimes it's choppy, bumpy, sometimes smooth, still. How to stay right here. And when we make that effort to stay right here, some of the things that usually bother us can fall away. And by day five, we might feel more tender or soft or sometimes raw.

[11:18]

We might have strong emotions or small emotions come up. So it's important to be careful. Just yesterday, I had some minor irritation. I can't even remember now what it was, and I had to ask Mira a question before... work period, and I found myself barking at her. And it had nothing to do with her. And I had to come back and say, you know, I want to apologize. I think I was just barking at you. And she said, yeah, I thought you were barking at me. And I said, I'm so sorry. And, you know, I gave her a big hug. On the other hand, we may also notice that we feel more connection or more kindness or more love towards one another as we strip away the layers and kind of clear out the mind.

[12:27]

I noticed yesterday during the Suzuki Roshi ceremony how much just this stirring of love I felt as I listened to everyone make their comments. To Suzuki Roshi, it was so much sincerity. What does it mean to have a clear mind, to strip away the layers of the mind? We don't know. It's quite a mystery. We know something's happening, but we can't name it. Greg gave us the image of the cauldron. I liked that so much. And I myself use the image or I go to thinking about the compost pile because I make a lot of compost at our house. I have, you know, like about three piles going at any one time in different stages.

[13:29]

So I spend a lot of time looking at compost, what happens to it. It's such a mystery. You start with all this stuff, junk, you know, food scraps from the kitchen and layer it with all kinds of, you know, leaves and grass and straw and dirt, you know, and you just keep doing that and something happens. You water it like zazen. We water it with zazen. It's like our life, the layers of our lives, right? You turn it over a few times over a length of time. I'm not very scientific about it. I leave it alone. Some people are very scientific about it. I don't put it on the calendar. I just leave it alone. And then when I look at it or I turn it, it's hard to see what was there.

[14:31]

And by the end of the time when the compost is ready and you turn it the final time and you're ready to sift it, you can't see anything in it that you started out with. And yet you know it's there because you put it in there. Right? It's really like our life, I think. Just keep turning it like daily Zazen and Sashin. It's an amazing kind of mystery, just like this is. I'm sure there's a science to it, you know, composting, just like there's a science to meditation, but we're not actually doing meditation. We're doing zazen, and it's so alive, like the compost pile, and it's always changing and moving in movement. And what you have left at the end after you sift it is this beautiful, beautiful soil.

[15:36]

You know, it's full of nutrients and you can spread it around wherever you want to in your garden. Like our life, like this zazen. We go out into the world and spread it around. But there's something about the letting it be, leaving it alone, that's important. Not trying to control it. So I think wherever we are in day five at any particular moment is just fine. You know, just try to be with it. Don't push anything away that arises. but don't follow it. So what does that mean, that meeting place? Don't push it away, but don't follow it. Don't comment on it. Don't analyze it.

[16:39]

Don't consider it. Don't think about it. Don't feel bad about it if it's something you don't like, and don't feel good about it if it's something you do like. But if we do any of those things, and we do, just notice that. Don't berate ourselves. Just notice. And just watch. I'd like to read something that Sojin has to say about this. Whatever arises, this is our life. True life is more important than any one aspect of life. If we understand this, then we can appreciate our life no matter what happens.

[17:44]

This is maturity, and this is what we experience in Zazen. In Zazen, we say, well, what was it like? Well, it was painful, and it was joyful, and it was whatever you want to say. But each one of those aspects we accept equally. This is what zazen is. Whatever comes up, this is it. When it's painful, it's just painful. When it's joyful, it's just joyful. We just accept each moment as it is with what it is, with deep appreciation. This view is the aspect of enlightenment. So we say zazen is enlightenment practice. The practice is not discriminating, not picking and choosing. I really like that he says we do this with deep appreciation. So when there's pain in the knees or the back or the mind, can we say thank you?

[18:46]

Can we feel deep appreciation? Think he's talking about not holding on to anything. Throw it all away. See what's left. And keep doing that. Don't hold on to anything. Linda Roshi talked about that when she read from the Heart Sutra yesterday. Not holding on to anything. Everything changes. We can't repeat a period of zazen. a sashin, a moment. So I think when we see that, we can kind of become more free of what our actual ideas of what zazen is.

[19:51]

We just don't know. I think it's Katagiri Roshi that said zazen is good for nothing. And I think what he meant by that is we can't get anything from zazen. We have to stop trying. Stop that wanting energy. Be really clear. We're not going to get anything. We just do it. The pleasure is in the doing. The enlightenment is in the doing. And we can experience this. We can truly experience this. And then we don't suffer so much. I want to read from Sojin Roshi again. So he says, that's why Zazen is such a great teacher. Zazen itself is our teacher.

[20:55]

It's life without pulling any punches. What we learn from zazen is if we discriminate on the basis of self-centeredness, we suffer. It is possible to sit through a sashin without suffering, but it means that we have to immediately accept what is present. If we hesitate too long, then we will fall into discrimination. But there's something that keeps us sitting even when it's very painful, very difficult. There's something we keep coming back to. We say, surprising, I don't even remember the last sushin. Our life is the same way. We can't get rid of bad things, and we can't always cultivate good things. So practice involves dealing with the difficulties in our lives, and that's at the heart of practice, not trying to get rid of our difficulties.

[21:55]

but dealing with them right there. Wherever it comes up as a problem is where our practice is. That's Sazen with non-self-centered, non-discriminating mind. And I think when we practice this way, there's... an increasing opportunity not to compartmentalize ourselves. You know, I'm this way, but I'm not this way. I do this, but I don't do that. Make the effort to kind of take the shape of whatever's happening. I remember when I first started, maybe in the first few months here, I had practice discussion with Maylee Scott, who was one of our practice leaders, a priest here.

[23:00]

And I told her something like, you know, I'm not really sure yet if this is the right practice for me because I'm not really a group person. And she so thoughtfully said to me, well... Your resting place, and that was the phrase she used, your resting place may always be solitary, but there's no reason why you can't find comfort in any uncomfortable situation that you find yourself in through this practice. And I've always remembered that, and she was absolutely correct. She was very wise and kind. in giving that instruction to me. So we can see the ways that we compartmentalize ourselves.

[24:00]

Just watch that. See when it happens, but no commentary, no criticism, no self-judging. And I want to say something about thinking. We're not trying to stop thinking because that's what the mind does. We're just making our best effort not to follow it while we're here. And Suzuki Roshi has something to say about that. This is a transcript from 1971. kind of accidentally came across. He says, in Zazen, we do not try to stop thinking, or we do not try to listen or hear or see anything. But if something appears in the mind, leave it.

[25:01]

And if you hear something, you should hear it, and you should just accept it. That's all. No second activity should appear in your zazen. The sound, that is one activity. Second one is, what is that sound? Is it a motor car? Is it a garbage truck or something? That is the second activity. If you hear it, that's all. You hear. If you see, that's all. You don't make any judgment. You don't try to figure out what it is. Just open your eyes and see something. Maybe when you practice zazen, you may try to make some sense by what you are watching. I think he's talking here about facing the wall and images that might come up because it says here there's lots of laughter.

[26:04]

It looks like a river. It looks like a dragon. And more laughing. When you are sitting a pretty long time watching the same place, it may look like various things. It may be a good idea, you know, to kill time, but it is not Sashin. And we have that same laughter. You know, if you go back and you read Suzuki Roshi's transcripts, I mean, his books are fine, but if you read the transcripts, just about every other line it says, he laughs. And so I was thinking, you know, sitting where Colleen is now in the tanto seat, I sit out. You know, I've been doing that for three years, sharing that seat with Laurie, facing the door, and I was thinking... Oh, yeah, it's like that. I see everything that comes through the door. I try to keep my eyes lowered.

[27:09]

I just need to practice seeing, but not going anywhere with that, not adding something to that, not thinking about who it is, who is late, who keeps going out. You know, there's a lot of coming and going. that one can observe from that seat. And so how to sit in that seat and not let all that commentary come up. I think that's what he's talking about for all of us. So I just want to encourage us all to Continue to watch how thoughts come up, emotions, feelings, whatever comes up, without grabbing onto it or following it.

[28:11]

We're making this great effort to do that. Just let everything be because there will be plenty of time soon enough to take it all up again. I think that's difficult. I remember some years ago, someone who used to practice here after a Dharma talk told Sojin Roshi, I love coming here because it's so quiet and I love to sit in Zazen and think about my problems or solve a problem or work on a creative idea or just... think about things that are going on in my life. And he very calmly said, well, that's fine if that's what you want to do, but that's not zazen. And the person like came right back at him. No, you don't understand.

[29:12]

It works. You know, like it's really good time, solid, quiet time that I don't have. Well, that's fine. You know, if that's what you want to do, that's okay. but that's not zazen. You know, it went back and forth like that for a while. There was not a meeting of the minds. But the point is that we all catch ourselves following something that may be interesting or disturbing or entertaining or whatever, right? But when we catch ourself, when we realize, oh, I'm going off, then that's a moment where we have a choice. And I like to always kind of quote Ellen, who says that that's a potent moment. You know, that moment when we realize, okay, I can come back to the breath and posture, or I can just go on this story land, right?

[30:21]

So it's a kind of training to stop. We can stop right in the middle of the sentence when we realize that we're off. And if the mind is really busy, we can count breaths. I think Greg talked about that the other day too. Just a way to train our mind to come back to just this. And I wanted to say that we all, in doing this, we all fall off the Zafu. I mean, we make mistakes, and perfection is not what we're trying to do here. We're not trying to get it right. We're making our best effort, really, just to follow our intention, to bring our intentional effort forward.

[31:34]

So we could say that we're practicing perfection but never getting it right exactly because there's no such thing. We can hear it every day in our chanting as we adjust the pitch and the volume and the pacing in our bowing, in our kenyan. We're always tweaking it, right? And there's no perfect place to get. I remember when we first became parents, a Sangha member who had an older child, maybe a teenager, said to me one day, I don't remember the context, but wanted to kind of tell me, you'll just get to a place where you figure out what your kid is doing, the stage that your kid is at, and then boom, they're already on to the next one and you'll have to start all over again.

[32:56]

It's kind of like that, right? So by day five, we might be tired or we might be energized or that might alternate throughout the day. So one thing we can do is give ourselves zazen instruction. I do that a lot, and it helps. When we're tired, it's really easy to slouch. And I think that when we give ourselves zazen instruction, it takes us away from thinking about ourself if we're tired or we have some discomfort. or we're bored or whatever it is. So just run through the points in the body and do that often. My own feeling is that in particular, it's important to lift the, you know, sit up and push the back forward a little bit so that there's a little arch in the back.

[34:11]

And then lift the sternum. In zazen instruction, I feel like that's the most important step is lift the sternum because what it does is it opens the whole chest cavity, and then there's this air circulation, and it just feels good. So try doing that throughout the day. Otherwise, with the back slouching or the shoulder slouching, everything pulls in, and there's not as much opportunity for it. circulation in the chest cavity, and it creates fatigue. I mean, it's hard to believe, but zazen really is supposed to energize us, not drain us. So I think the posture is so important. If we're sitting, and it doesn't matter if we're sitting

[35:14]

in a chair or laying down or standing up. That doesn't matter. What matters is taking the posture, right? And lowering the eyes. Somebody, I think, asked a question. There was a question Linda Roshi read about lowering the eyes. My feeling is that lowering the eyes helps us not to be looking around at everybody and comparing ourselves. You know, that's really a big distraction to compare ourselves to other people. And when I train cooks, I always tell them, don't be looking around to see who's taking seconds because it's a big distraction. You know, if everybody's taking seconds, like, oh, they love my cooking.

[36:15]

Right? And if nobody's taking seconds, like, oh, nobody likes my cooking. You know, and it's just a big distraction from what we're really trying to do. So lowering the eyes is good, even though we like to look at each other. I want to say something about emotions, big emotions and maybe smaller emotions. My feeling is working with the breath can be very helpful in dealing with emotions that come up. Especially in the early years, I had a lot of big emotions come up. seemed overwhelming at times. And in those days, there was a lot of crying in the sendo. I don't hear people cry so much anymore. But I decided I would start breathing those emotions into my heart and then breathe out something that maybe was the opposite of that, something positive.

[37:31]

I remember Sojin once said, What do you literally want to breathe into the world? So if I was feeling deep sadness, I would breathe out ease, something like that, or acceptance, something like that. And one day, when I talked to him about this, he said, well, it's a good thing to offer up what you're feeling. But I have a suggestion. He said, instead of offering it to your heart, offer it to Buddha's heart. And to be honest, I went away thinking, well, why would I want to do that? It's my heart that's breaking. But honestly, what he was trying to say was, it's really important for us to realize that this very being is Buddha, right? Breathe it into Buddha's heart, because this very being is Buddha. It's not that... She's Buddha and I'm not, or he's Buddha and I'm not, or they're Buddha and I'm not.

[38:36]

We're all Buddha. And we have to experience that, really experience that to know that it's true. So I say breathe that hard stuff right in and breathe out something, some goodness into the world. So I started doing that, and I still use that when things come up, breathing it into Buddha's heart and breathing out something I want to breathe more positively. Smaller emotions can well up in us too, I think, and those can be pleasant, actually. I think Linda Roshi talked about that yesterday. Tomorrow is our daughter's birthday, and I've been aware of this kind of swirl of emotion inside me, this deep love and appreciation for her and for this day in her life and the joy I feel about that.

[39:55]

But I'm going to leave it at that as best I can. You know, I'm not going to... sit all day and think about it, or make a plan, that'll be for later, right? So we can enjoy those pleasant thoughts that come up. The last thing I want to talk about is physical pain. So by day five, you know, there may be... physical pain more in the knees, in the back, in the shoulders, wherever. But my guess is mostly the knees. But what I wanted to say is when we sit down to a period of zazen, usually there isn't much pain in the beginning because we've been walking, we've been doing kinyin or something.

[40:59]

So at the beginning of the period, it's easier. And I think maybe it's a good idea not to wait until the pain increases and gets worse. That right from the start of the period, we can be aware of the sensations in the body. And if we're... aware of the sensations in the body, then we're moving away from thinking about, you know, my knees or my back or my pain. So Sojin Roshi gave this instruction to really start paying attention to the sensations in the body right from the start of the period so that you're not suddenly shocked when your knees are killing you, right? And to try to maybe say the knees or Buddha's knees and keep gently moving away from this preoccupation with, you know, me, my knees.

[42:11]

But I wanted to say if the pain is, you know, very strong and you're worried about the pain, please move. Like, it's fine to move. We hear the instruction is don't move, but actually it's not really true because we're always adjusting our posture. We're always moving in some way. And particularly if you're worried, move. And go sit in a chair if you want to, or stand up for a period of zazen if you want to. That's just fine. and be very kind to ourself when we do those things, to not criticize ourself, and again, not to compare ourself maybe with somebody who isn't moving. And if you don't want to move, then use the breaths.

[43:22]

Sojin always talked about breathing into the knees, and I used to think that was so weird because the breath can't go that far. But try it. I think my point is that we're all creative beings, and we all deal with difficulties in Sashin. Everyone has difficulties in Sashin. And it's really an opportunity for us to be creative, to really consider how can I best work with what's happening right now. And let's face it, the world really needs that right now for us to take that creative effort out with us into the world. So again, this is our training ground where we practice that. We all have that capacity to be creative in how we deal with what's happening to us.

[44:30]

Okay, I want to end by reading Suzuki Roshi again. He talks about relying on something bigger, and I think we can all connect to that or we wouldn't be here, that we all know there's something bigger than ourself. And we can remind ourselves during the week. That's another way that we can support ourselves. In our practice, we should rely on something great. So it is kind of belief... or faith, which is different from usual faith to believe in some concrete idea or being, but believing something which is supporting us and supporting all our activities, thinking mind or emotional feeling.

[45:37]

All those things are supported by something big which has no form or color. It's impossible to know what it is, but something exists there, not in the sense of material or spiritual, We say spiritual or material, but it's something more than that. Something like that always exists, and we exist in that area. When you feel that way, that is right, pure thinking. That is pure feeling of being. And every activity should start from this kind of feeling. Thank you all very much.

[46:41]

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