In Ginjo Koan, Dogen Senji talks about, he says, to study Buddhism or Buddhadharma is to study the self. And to study the self is to forget the self. And to forget the self is to be enlightened by everything we meet. It's a little paraphrase. So studying the self and forgetting the self, forgetting the self can be a little difficult to forget our self. What does that mean, really?

[01:05]

How do we forget ourself and leave ourself open to be enlightened by everything we meet? Dogen uses, sometimes he says, body and mind dropped off. Dropping off body and mind. Those are kind of key phrases in Dogen's understanding. Forgetting the self and dropping off body and mind. What does he mean by that? If you try to forget yourself, pretty hard to forget yourself because you're always there with yourself.

[02:18]

And if you try to drop your body and mind, where are you going to drop it? And who's dropping what? So these are pretty good questions. How do you get rid of yourself? How do you drop it? What Dogen is talking about is, how do we get back to our original simplicity? How do we arrive at our original undivided mind? Our original undivided body and mind. That's what he's talking about. When I think of Dogen, and when I think of coming, not coming back, but returning.

[03:28]

Returning is not in the sense of going back, but coming upon ourself. We can't go back, you know, but we can return by going forward. to our original undivided mind, body and mind. And I think sometimes of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. And the Garden of Eden represents our original undivided mind, body and mind, before thinking, before discriminative thinking takes place.

[04:31]

And so the snake comes down out of the tree and asks, than to take a bite out of the apple of the knowledge of good and evil, which in Buddhism is called discriminative thinking. So they take a bite and suddenly they're in a realm of good and bad, right and wrong, good and evil, I said that, and discriminative thinking, which we find ourselves in in this world. And Buddhism is always directed to getting us back to the Garden of Eden, which is returning to our original undivided mind, body and mind, which is free of discrimination. So our sense of self, sense of self is, we can think of our sense of self in two ways.

[05:48]

One way is ego, and the other we call personality. In order to exist, we have to have persona, some sense of ourself as a person. And so we call this our sense of ourself as a person, as an individual, is personality. And our sense of ourself, which is acquired, we call ego in Buddhism, not psychology. Buddhist meaning of ego is acquired self or the self that is based on desire and is divisive and acquisitive.

[06:59]

Divisive in the sense of constantly creating a dualistic atmosphere around itself. and acquisitive, meaning that it's always grasping for something and creating a false personality or a quasi-personality. The difference between real person, true personality, and ego personality is that the true personality presents itself without anything behind it.

[08:06]

what I mean by without anything behind it, it's innocence, basic innocence. No sense of acquisitiveness or overbearing or what you call manipulation, no sense of manipulativeness or acquisitiveness or but just bare personality, which has all the attributes that we're born with. An ego has the acquired personality, which is always grasping and creating a quasi-sense of self. And this ego, or acquired personality, at some point in our life tends to overshadow our real personality.

[09:20]

Sometimes our real personality shows through it. Some sense of our true personality does show through it, but it's muddied. Buddhist practice or Zen practice is to wear down or not feed this ego personality so that it drops off. And our true personality, which is like our breathing, something that really belongs to us, something that we don't even have necessarily so much control over, is able to stand by itself. So when we forget ourself,

[10:35]

Dongmyo means forget or drop our acquired personality and have the courage to let our true personality emerge. Our innocent personality. Personality which is based on innocence. And what in Zen practice we always call true face. and is more than just our individuality, but that personality which is supported by the whole universe. When you can feel that your personality or your true being is

[11:40]

supported by the universe, then you have religious security, so-called religious security. Because even though everything is changing, even though we can see birth and death, we feel a part of birth and death, rather than apart from birth and death. We feel that we are part of the process of birth and death. And within the process of birth and death, we have our security. Usually, people base their security on escaping

[12:41]

from death and also escaping from life. But if you understand, experience the truth of your personality, the truth of your persona, and have realization and realize your participation in the process of birth and death. You no longer fear birth and death. Even though you no longer fear birth and death, when it comes time to die, you still may be afraid. But there's a famous story about a Zen master who, when he was about to die, shouted, I don't want to die.

[13:54]

But that doesn't mean that he wasn't enlightened. There are other Zen masters who embraced death. at that time, not before. In Buddhism, to be attached to life or to be attached to death is not proper conduct. To want to die is not proper conduct. But to be able to embrace each moment of suchness without anxiety and without very much fear is only possible

[15:12]

if we have our true personality, true persona. So practice is to bring us down to a very simple, basic place.

[16:16]

where we can actually live in a space where true personality can come forth. And we can practice that with very simple acts, very simple basic acts. very simple, basic, satisfying acts which connect us to this universal activity which is ourself. It's interesting, offering incense

[17:22]

and bowing, what are they? What does that mean, to offer incense and to bow? We can put lots of different meanings onto it, but offering incense and bowing are just simple acts simple enjoyable acts. Why they're enjoyable, why it's enjoyable is because there's nothing at the bottom of it. There's nothing underneath it. Why we offer incense is because we enjoy it. Why we bow is because We enjoy it. You may think, well, we bow to Buddha.

[18:27]

That's just our idea. We bow to Buddha. It's just an idea we have. Offering incense to Buddha is just an idea. So we don't think, I am offering incense to Buddha. We just offer incense. because it's a wonderful, innocent act. When we bow, we don't think about anything. We just bow. It's just a wonderful, innocent act that involves our whole body and mind with everything. It's a way of merging and completing ourself. There's nothing behind it. Just pure intention.

[19:35]

Sometimes it's hard for us to see that or to see the value of it. Because our lives are so value-oriented. Because our discriminating minds are so value-oriented. Sometimes Daniel likes to offer incense. Offer incense? Okay, so I like the incense and he offers the incense and then bows. He just enjoys doing it. It's just fun. His intention is no different than mine. There's nothing at all behind it. It's just a wonderful thing to do. we can later talk about, think about why we did it and think of some nice reasons why.

[20:51]

In the old days when we used to practice with Suzuki Roshi, during work period, We used to sweep the floor, even if it was clean, and wash the windows, even if they were clean. We don't have enough people here during work period to do those kinds of wonderful activities, because we always have so much that has to be done. But really, to practice sweeping the floor when it doesn't need to be, when it's not dirty, and cleaning the windows when they're not dirty. It's great activity, which sometimes I think we miss. We always want to have some reason behind our activity, some reason other than just the activity itself.

[22:10]

other than just merging with the activity. What we think is, we sweep the floor in order to get it clean. That is a reason. That's something behind our activity. But actually, we sweep the floor in order to merge with the floor. We wipe the window in order to be one with the window. We clean the toilet in order to be one with the toilet, to understand, to experience our nature with the toilet. I remember at Sokoji, the people that had to clean the toilet over and over again, every Saturday morning, they had to clean the toilet, over and over with the toilets, over and over again.

[23:18]

Do I have to clean the toilets again? I cleaned them last week. Separating ourselves, we separate ourselves further and further. The more resistance we have, the further we separate ourselves. To just be able to say, yes, okay, and you clean the toilet, okay, And so you clean the toilet. It doesn't matter whether it's dirty or clean. What you're doing is training yourself. This is training. How to merge with something. How to merge with your activity. It doesn't matter if the toilet's clean or dirty. How do you accept your life? How do you drop body and mind, basically?

[24:25]

And how do you accept something, disappointment? That's a big one. Something, you know, some appointment comes, and we say, oh, that's wonderful. And some disappointment comes, and we say, oh, that's terrible. But appointment and disappointment are interchanging with each other all the time in our lives. If you have a big ego, then when an appointment comes, You get very excited. And when disappointment comes, life is very tragic. Sometimes we remain in a depressed state for years because our ego is so big it won't let go. But if you have developed your true personality, when something wonderful comes, you can accept it.

[25:50]

And when something tragic comes, you cry, but you let go of it and continue without hanging on to either one. And the ability to do that is being able to merge with the reality of the situation. the reality of the situation in the moment. We have a new opportunity on every moment. But when we get our heart set on something too much, we fall into disappointment. So we're constantly setting our hearts on something and then constantly being disappointed.

[26:57]

It's okay to want something, but unless we have that evenness of mind, which we call composure through practice, It's not so easy to accept our life. We can accept our life. But if we live our life on the surface, pretty easy to accept your life. But when it comes to the problem of birth and death, that's a little deeper. And then we may get a little shaky. So, why we practice Zazen is to be able to deal with this problem of birth and death.

[28:06]

Ultimately, that's the problem. to drop our ego and let our true personality emerge, which will accept birth and death for what it is. And the more we let go, the more we drop body and mind, let go of our acquired personality, the more we can enjoy our life.

[29:13]

Actually, when you don't have so much vested interest, you can be interested in many, many things. You can be interested in just what appears very easily. And you can enjoy helping people. I was interested Last night, Maureen Freedgood talked about how she got involved in the practice. She said that she was very lonely. I don't remember where she came from. She came from someplace, and she went to Cambridge. But she was very lonely. And she had a very lonely, hollow feeling.

[30:19]

which comes from being disconnected. And someone there said, well, why don't you do this? And why don't you do that? And started connecting her with activities which were not self-directed. In other words, they weren't activities which were directed toward self-enjoyment, but were directed outward to helping with the practice. She started typing and working in the office, answering telephone calls, writing letters, giving zazen instruction, and pretty soon her life became very full and she was connecting with a lot of activities and she wasn't thinking about herself at all. And her thought about herself was getting less and less. And herself became all that activity.

[31:23]

So her life was the activity of helping people to practice. When you can drop yourself in that way, you don't get depressed very much. You don't have a lot of resentment or anger.

[32:28]

if you can help people to practice and study, practice yourself at the same time. That activity will wear down your ego and at some point your ego will drop off. You can have ego for a long time it's possible to practice and still have a lot of ego. So you need a good teacher who will point that out to you. That's the advantage of having a teacher. Someone who can see where you are and point that out to you and give you some hint and keep you in line.

[33:38]

Your ego is sticking out. Why are you carrying so much resentment or anger? Do you have anything to... any response?

[34:46]

Any question about what I'm talking about? We talked about not... about wanting something and then being disappointed if it doesn't happen. I was wondering if you have any advice How to stop doing that? Well, one way to stop doing that, it depends on what you want. What we want is some kind of material gain. A good deal of the time, the things that we want are like bubbles.

[35:54]

You know, a little kid will blow bubbles, and there are all these shiny things, you know, and they try to grasp them. They pop, you know. But when we grow up, we still have the concept of grasping at bubbles, but they take different forms. and they're very tangible. But in the end, they're not very satisfying. They're satisfying to a certain extent, but they're not basically satisfying. And sooner or later, we want something that's basically satisfying. I can remember hearing about wanting something that's basically satisfying, but not understanding it at all. For years and years.

[37:03]

And I always pursued things which I thought would be satisfying. The stuff that I just, you know, felt good about, you know, felt that I wanted. But it never worked out, somehow. Even if I got what I wanted, I just wanted something else. As soon as you get it, you don't want it anymore. Or at some point, you have to have something new. And this is the whole philosophy of our society, is to keep wanting the next thing, the next stage. If you look at stereos, As soon as you get one, it's outmoded. You have to get the next one. Then that's outmoded. You have to get the next one. And that's a pretty good example. If you can stay satisfied, OK, I'll get this one. And I can hear all the music. I can hear everything I want to hear. I don't have to have the next one. But we keep wanting bigger and better.

[38:08]

So how to be really satisfied with something very simple, we have to make progress. Pretty hard not to make progress, to give up the idea of making progress. But if we can make progress in something that's more substantial, what do we want to make progress in? Well, If you're studying Buddhism, you want to make progress in letting go of your ego and letting your personality come forth. That's what we want to do. That's the progress that we make. But we may not make so much progress. If we really put ourselves into that activity wholeheartedly, then it's worthwhile activity and we don't feel cheated or we don't feel, you know, because it's wholehearted continuous activity which can go on all of our life.

[39:24]

Well, what about Kate's question in relation to other people? I want so-and-so to stop getting mad at me when I do this or I want so-and-so to want to spend more time with me. Those are problems that we have. But you want it very badly. You get very invested in that. Yeah. But, um... Even though, you know, so supposing we don't get what we want, then what? Supposing you want to be with somebody very badly, or we want them to pay attention to us, or all those things that you said, but supposing you don't get them, then what?

[40:35]

Knock the person out of your life. Then what? You can knock the person out of your life. Oh. You can cut your connections. Why? Why? Because you think that solves the problem. Well, it may or may not. It may solve the problem. Yeah, it's possible that it can solve the problem. Or you may include them in your life and find your own security without them. You know, how do you... supposing there's somebody that you love very much But that person doesn't love you. But you can't live without them. But you're going to have to live without them. So what will you do? What will you do? Do you think that we get attached to the idea that what we want would be based

[41:39]

question of how can we see that that's an illusion? Well, you may never see it. I'm not answering your question. I'm trying to get... I want to get a little deeper into your question. What I'm trying to do is get a little deeper into your question. I'm not really so interested in answering your question. I'm trying to see what's at the bottom of your question. Desires. Desires are inexhaustible. On the question of doing things, It seems to me that there's always something else that you could do, and the danger of being just into repetition is to get a kind of habit.

[43:14]

I see what you mean when you say we always have to do something for a reason, to go toward what needs to be done keeps a vitality into what you're doing. Yes. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm talking about the other side, which is a side that's hard to see. In other words, we don't do something over and over again. Even though we bow nine times every day, we don't do something over and over again. Each time we do that, It's the first time we've done it. And because of our habit of thinking we do something over and over again, we tend to, you know, just kind of go, run over that. We only do, we do this bow this time only, and we never do it again. You know, we do this other bow this time only, and we never do it again.

[44:20]

You have to have that kind of attitude You can never repeat something. That's why we have to be able to enjoy this bow, because that will never come again. Never do that again. And if we're only concerned with the result of our activity, we can never get into the reality of our activity. We're always concerned with the result. Result is okay. That's our dualistic life, the life of activity and result, causality and result. But this other activity is the other side that we don't pay attention to. just doing the activity as pure activity, which is our life.

[45:31]

Just pure activity that has nothing behind it, nothing underneath it. No, it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't have any utilitarian advantage. Can't get anything out of it. It's what's underneath, or what's at the core of every act, if we live in a non-dualistic way. That's why when we do zazen, we have various reasons for doing zazen. very hard to see that we do zazen just as this act of pure activity. Nothing behind it.

[46:39]

You don't get anything from it. But there are secondary effects, you know. We feel healthy and so forth, you know, clears our mind, settles our mind down, makes it easier to go to work or to, you know, Those are secondary effects. And some people come to Zazen for the secondary effects. But actually Zazen is just this pure activity which has nothing behind it. We just do it. It's just pure activity. Buddhist meditation or practice is divided into Samatha and Vipassana.

[47:40]

Those are the ancient terms. Samatha and Vipassana. Samatha is sometimes called Samadhi. Samadhi comes out of that word. completely totally unconditioned activity, which is before you divide up this so-called universe, for lack of a better word, totality. Before you divide up this totality, samadhi is the experience of the totality. And vipassana is the wisdom side, or the prajna side, or panya side, which is knowledge and descent from the Garden of Eden.

[48:46]

And the practice in the dualistic realm which is still not different from the oneness of samadhi, or the pure activity, not based on discrimination. So, both of those sides go together. That's why our practice takes place in the world, as well as in the zendo. samatha and vipassana. We practice those two. Samatha is sitting zazen, basically, and vipassana is practicing mindfulness in the world. But the samatha is very important.

[49:59]

And we don't ordinarily put ourselves in that position. And it's very hard for us to, because of our dualistic way of thinking, to see why that's important. Or even to recognize it, or to recognize it. It's like going back into the Garden of Eden, before the apple. I was just thinking while you were talking that desire actually is a pure activity. Yeah, desire itself. Desire itself, and actually it's very enjoyable. I enjoy my desire a lot.

[51:06]

What makes them painful is when they become goal-oriented. And if you can just notice the desire, I know this has helped me a lot, is that they really are enjoyable. You can see the difference between wanting and grasping. Desire is enjoyable. But desire by itself is not bad. But it can be wholesome or unwholesome, depending on which way it goes. OK. Thank you.

[51:54]

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