I vow to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. Good morning. First, I want to apologize for forgetting that I was Fukudo this morning. I was really admiring Greta because I thought, well, she's Fukudo and she's sitting facing out and she's going to turn around during the All Buddhas and that's really classy, I thought. And I thought, well, I couldn't do that because I got all these robes and I, you know, oh well, but that's, I was really admiring that. And then the All Buddhas came to an end and Greta looked sort of, a little panicky and I grabbed the mokugyo thinking I was saving the day. And I was about halfway through the chant and I thought, oh my god, I'm supposed to be doing this. Actually, I actually glanced at the Sachine director. I thought she was going to be saying, right on, good for you.

[01:02]

Oh, well. At least she wasn't glaring at me. She just sort of looked at me. So please excuse me. And Greta, I'm sorry if I caused you any distress. Well, I want to talk this morning about two things that I think are deeply related but don't necessarily seem so. I was thinking if I had a title for this talk it would be Faith in Contingency. I've been studying, many of us have been studying emptiness, continuing to study emptiness. And one of the ways of understanding it is as contingency. As everything is contingent.

[02:05]

There isn't anything to hold on to. Nothing stands alone. Nothing has own being. Nothing has an essence. Not even Buddha. Not even emptiness. Because emptiness itself is empty of own being. There's not a thing over there that if we could just get there then we'd have emptiness. The whole point is that Nagarjuna, Mr. Emptiness is telling us is that there isn't anything nothing, absolutely nothing to hold on to. Everything is contingent. There's simply arising now arising now, of course it's all happening much faster than that, faster than you could imagine. And our experience just continually arises together dependent on everything else moment after moment.

[03:11]

They say it's not even that like from this moment to that moment, it's just fresh each moment. Sometimes I understand that, sometimes I don't. But Stephen Batchelor in his very poetic rendition of Nagarjuna's verses, the book's called Verses from the Center, Batchelor talks about contingency. This notion of things arising together, everything contingent upon everything else. Dependent co-arising is the term for it. But that's also another way of talking about emptiness. And I like that word contingency because it captures the unreliability in some sense. We want so desperately to have something reliable, something that we could hold on to.

[04:11]

A self, for example. We'd like there to be a self that we could rely on and hold on to. Not so. There isn't any. But we continually try. We want to have something. We want to have some thing. We want to have an object that's safe and stable and won't change. We want a self. We want a teacher. We want a spouse or a significant other. something that's not going to change and that's safe so then we can feel safe. And the joy and tragedy at the same thing of it is that the only way to feel safe is to completely let go of trying to feel safe.

[05:12]

And to have faith in contingency. And I just told you the ultimate truth. Mel mentioned the other day there are two truths and there are there's this relative daily truth and the ultimate truth and the ultimate truth is the daily truth is contingent. That's it. We could all go home now. If we could only believe that, not even believe it, come to know it in our bones. We do it when we sit Sazen. We can express it, but we can't know it with our thinking minds and we, Lord, we keep trying. So if we can simply have faith in contingency, that's it. And the other, I said there was something that seemed contradictory to things that I wanted to talk about.

[06:21]

The other chunk is this notion of faith. And I've been thinking about the parable in the Lotus Sutra. Sometimes it's titled Faith Discernment. It's a parable of a prodigal son. And he, the story is, that he comes home to his own true wealth. And how can finding our true wealth, what has that got to do with completely letting go of everything and finding our home in contingency? In a way, finding our home in not having a thing, nothing. There isn't any having.

[07:23]

For that matter, there aren't any things. Not in the sense of objects separate from ourselves. There was this great image, actually, we recently had a practice period in Vallejo and we had a Shuso Megan Collins and she lectured about emptiness and at one point she said something about the cheese stands alone. And I thought, well, that's an odd image. She said the cheese and then, you know, in your mind, if you have grew up in this culture, right, it stands alone, right? The cheese stands alone. And then she went on and she said, But actually, of course, it doesn't. It depends on the, what is it, the enzymes, and the milk, and the cow, and the farmer, and the cheese maker, and the delivery truck, and the wheat, and the whatever that the cow ate, and blah, blah, blah, and that's it.

[08:30]

Nothing stands, nothing stands alone, and that was a wonderful image for contingency. The cheese is contingent on the temperature of the milk, for example. So I want to read you first what Batchelor says about contingency or dependent arising. Impact is the meeting of consciousness, senses, and world. It leads to experience. I crave to have and avoid. Craving makes me cling at senses, opinions, rules, and selves. Clinging is to insist on being someone. Not to cling is to be free to be no one. And wouldn't that be a joy?

[09:34]

Isn't it a joy? We all have some experience of this. Off and on. Free to be no one. And how does that relate to this notion of vast wealth? Free to be no one. Clinging is to insist on being someone. And Freedom is to let that go. And I don't know what your experience of Sashin is, but in my experience of Sashin, I just see my clinging over and over and over again. I see my opinions over and over and over again. I see my judgment over and over and over again. I see my... I guess my ego over and over and over again. If I'm asked to do something I like to do, I feel like the kid that got picked to be monitor in elementary school.

[10:42]

You know, you go, oh, hey. I get to clap the eraser. They don't clap erasers anymore, do they? But at any rate, that was when I was a kid. No, and then if I'm asked to do something I don't want to do, then the resentment that comes up. I'm sorry? Actually, that's true. I have McCookio dread. When I was at Tassajara, I'm not very good at it. And sometimes I was really, really bad at it. And I used to assign the jobs for the Doans when I had Doan, and I would assign myself to it all the time, because I figured, I've got to deal with this. So, yes, it's fraught. I think I managed to never do it when I was at City Center. I don't know. I was, you know, I don't think I ever did it.

[11:45]

I'm not sure. Yes. So, at any rate, my experience is of seeing, seeing my ego, seeing my clinging over and over and over again. Luckily, it comes and it goes. It comes and it goes. You know, something triggers some little hit of ego, and then the next moment it's gone. It also arises some other, I have pleasant ideas that arise also, and I watch those too. I mean, I thought Greta was really classy Pocado. I was actually quite kind of lost in admiration. The problems come, I think, when we, not so much the arising of ideas or preferences or opinions, because I don't know how, how do you not, how do we not have such things?

[12:56]

The problems arise with the insisting. He says, clinging is to insist on being someone. So it's the holding on to some idea of how things should be, who somebody else ought to be, who I ought to be. The insisting, I think, is the big problemo. So, clinging is to insist on being someone. Not to cling is to be free to be no one. What a delight. Being no one means we could be anything. You could be the teacher. You could be the student. You could be the queen. You could be the servant. You don't have to be anybody in particular.

[13:59]

You know, Rinzai used to talk about the true person of no rank. That's enlightenment. Free to be no one. And you know what it feels like. We all know what it feels like. Those times when there's simply enough. Those times when you're just cutting the carrots. Those times when there's just zazen. I don't know if you have this experience. Sometimes you're sitting and ideas will arise like bubbles, but they'll pop before a sentence even completes itself. And you just completely don't care. It's fine. Ron has a wonderful phrase. He talks about satisfaction with the breath. Satisfaction.

[15:00]

Free to be nobody. because you're simply satisfied. It doesn't mean satisfaction in the sense of a dual demanding satisfaction or getting the new car you wanted or something. As I understand it, it's satisfaction in the sense of this is enough. I'm satisfied. I'm not lusting after anything. For this moment, I'm satisfied. And being no one means not needing to be anybody other than who you are right now. Satisfaction with the breath, satisfaction with contingency, satisfaction with my life as it is right now. And that brings me to this notion of faith.

[16:06]

Sojin often talks about it in terms of confidence or trust. And I'm talking today about faith, confidence, trust in contingency. And how do we grow that How do we grow that trust? How do we come into our own? Our own true nature is, it is contingency. And if that makes you a little uneasy, a little nauseous, good. It means that your ego is getting the message, I think. that how do we develop our faith, our willingness our willingness to sit down right in the middle of that contingency and allow it to arise moment after moment and some of those moments are not so pleasant some of those moments involve great fear or great sadness or great energy that's hard to contain or jealousy or lust

[17:27]

Not so easy to sit with lust, you know, and say, oh, hey, lust. But it's not so easy. Not so easy. So this parable, most of you probably know it in the Lotus Sutra. This young man from a noble family in India, his father is a Maharaja, right? And so he has like a, you know, a principality. And the young man runs away from home. enters into a rather dissolute life and he's drinking and taking drugs and so on and he completely forgets who he is and where he's from. And he's just wandering around and he's maybe sobered up a little and he wanders back home but he doesn't recognize it. So his father is outside actually accepting tribute then, and so he's surrounded by all of his retainers and so on, and he sees his son in the distance. And he's overjoyed because he does recognize his son.

[18:32]

And he sends some of his retainers off to bring the young man home to his father. Well, the young man is terrified. He says, you know, he doesn't recognize any of this. So as soon as they lay a hand on him, he starts screaming and writhing and foaming at the mouth and saying, no, no, I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. And he's terrified he's going to get arrested. And the father says, let him be, let him be. And so they let go of him and he faints. And the father says, look, just don't touch him. Don't lay a hand on him. Just follow him back to the village and find out where he's staying. So they do that and come back and tell the dad and the dad says, okay, now go back and offer him a job. And, uh, tell him he can work in the stables. So they do. He's offered a job and told that he'll get his meals and he'll get paid and he'll get decent clothing and a place to live and his work will be shoveling shit.

[19:37]

So he accepts and he comes and he works and he works pretty well. And he works along and his dad keeps an eye on him and sometimes he actually works alongside him but without saying who he is. And gradually the young man develops capabilities and so he's given more responsible work. And slowly he works up to more and more responsibility and more and more contact with his father. And eventually he gets to work inside the palace. And he works up more and more responsibility and then eventually he's the mayor domo of the whole thing. And one day his father takes him into the treasure storehouse and says, actually, I want you to know that this is all yours. You are my son. And then he can believe it. And one of the ways that I understand that parable is that he, throughout that time, has been exercising his faith muscle.

[20:48]

And the parable, of course, is in terms of I don't know, pearls and sandalwood and lapis lazuli and gems, rubies and so on, but it's about Buddha nature. It's about our own true wealth. And after he's had a lot of experience of exercising that faith muscle, then he can believe in his own true wealth. And what is it? What is our own true wealth? And I think that our own true wealth is actually contingency. It is this nothing to hold on to. It is this arising moment after moment. Uh-oh. For anybody listening to the tape, something's beeping.

[21:58]

I didn't even hear it. Our real wealth is this no wealth. Our real wealth is letting go. all of our ideas about who we are including all of our ideas about Buddha nature including all of our ideas about emptiness or enlightenment because we'll never really know with our thinking minds what it is All we can do is be it. And the faith that we need to develop is the faith in this moment just as it is. And it's so easy to say that and it's so hard to do because we all have ideas.

[23:07]

It might be interesting to go around and ask, you know, what's your idea of enlightenment? Or what's your idea of emptiness? You know, sometimes we talk about it's, oh, it's like an ocean, and then form is the waves. Well, okay, but really, as soon as you say that, you're making a thing of it. And so then we want to jump into the ocean. And really, we just have to jump into this right here, right now. And there's not even a jumping because it's not separate from me. It's not something that I can go into from here to there. There's no there, there's just here. Here hearing, this thising, is ising. But we have these ideas that we need to radically let go of and simply

[24:13]

allow the contingency to be there and find our ease in contingency. Maybe I should say find our ease in dis-ease. And when we do that, that's when we find there is, I think there is great joy. Sojin mentioned it as one of the factors of enlightenment. It's not the sort of, you know, the joy at getting a new car or a birthday present, or it's not the kind of hysterical, you know, some point during Sushin, it's not uncommon, you get kind of a little hysterical. You know, and everything is funny, and you just feel very silly, which is sort of pleasant for a little while. Though if you've ever had the experience of not being able to stop laughing during sashimi, that's not pleasant.

[25:21]

It's actually really awful. However, that silly, I'm not talking about that silliness. I'm not condemning the silliness. I was telling my Jisha just on the way in the door that I was suffering from it. I didn't know if I'd be able to set it aside. And then I bowed to my teacher and he was giving, it was like emptiness right there. Okay, I give. And the bowing helps too. At any rate, it's a kind of the joy that arises when we simply let go into this contingency is a calm kind of a joy. The joy of not insisting anymore. What a delight to not insist on being someone. Oh, I'm the door person?

[26:25]

Okay. I'm going to sound like Suzuki Roshi? Oh, okay. Oh, I'm giving a lecture? Okay. Dishes? All right. What would it be like? What would it be like? It's a wonderful question to ask for our Zazen. What would it be like? What would it be like, just this next breath? What would it be like, just this next breath? What would it be like, just this next period? Just to be here. Floating in contingency. So I just wonder what it is for you what your response is to contingency and what maybe if people would be willing to share what your idea you could confess, you could confess what's your idea of enlightenment?

[27:33]

What is it that you would like to get or you think you're going to get? I remember a man named Mick Sopko at Green Gulch when he was so saying that he used to think that when he was enlightened he'd be really sexy. So, go. Being willing to be who you are, is it? Yeah. Well, and Suzuki Rush used to say, when you are you, Zen is Zen. Yeah, but I think it's the insisting that's the problem.

[28:35]

Yeah, John? free of complications. you're saying about the bubble of thought that comes up when you're exhausted and you can't even finish it, that could be kind of enlightening. Well, when that happens for me, that happened for me this morning, but I was just too exhausted to finish the thought to see it.

[29:42]

Yes. I was actually thinking about this this morning, and I had the... I thought if I could turn off, you know that thing in Times Square where the man says, it's snowing in Times Square? Yeah. And you're standing there, it's snowing, and he says, did you turn that off? Like the commentary? Yeah. I haven't heard any that are real confessions yet, though, you guys. One, two. Yeah, and I think, I mean, that just is, you know, for me the confession would be that I do want, I want to get it right. And I have some idea that I could get it, I could get it right. Absolutely, absolutely.

[31:01]

Oh well. Yeah. Sue. My latest chapter of Bitching My Way to Enlightenment. Bitching Your Way to Enlightenment, just in case the tape didn't get that. Yes. And I haven't copyrighted that yet. It's that... through God, I'm okay. And the underlying, I guess the headline is, but you shouldn't need me to tell you that. So God says, you're right, you're okay, but you shouldn't need me to, that's like the sub. When does our virtual practice deserve it?

[32:10]

As soon as you think you do, you're in trouble. You know, Suzuki Roshi used to say the good husband is the one that always thinks he's not such a good husband and is concerned about it. Not in a grandiose way, you know, beating yourself up about it, but shouldn't it always be a question? Isn't that the nature of contingency? Yeah. Karen, you had your hand up before, I thought. I was just going to say, freedom from fear. I just had this image of being a little bubble, kind of floating around, bouncing around the earth and never getting stuck. What would that be like? Being a bubble? Being a little bubble. Kind of bouncing around happily without getting stuck, you know.

[33:20]

And then what happens when it bursts? It doesn't. Oh. A bubble that never bursts. Jerry? Yes, excuse me. Charlie, is that? I was going to say my best delusion is that I'll find the answer and then I can take that with me and go somewhere else. Does this thing pick that sort of stuff up? That I will find the answer and then take that and go somewhere else. Go wherever I want, right. Well, I told you, I told you the answer, but nobody believed me. Yes, yes, Nancy. I would feel enlightened if I could feel okay about sleep deprivation, but then you go to sleep, you know,

[34:32]

I think maybe that is enlightenment, feeling okay about sleep deprivation, including that okay when you nod off sometimes during your satsang. That's okay. Better be. I always feel it's debilitating and that it's a monster that keeps me from participating, practicing. Well, there's sleep deprivation and sleep deprivation, but I think for a lot of us, I am a hard nut to crack. And I actually, I need to be warmed down to some extent in order to let go of all these ideas that I have. So I don't like it, but I appreciate it. Tamar? Just keep trying.

[35:38]

That's my thought sign. Just keep trying. I have a motto, I'm sorry. One of my mottos is trying doesn't work. And you know what? I think those are both true. Absolutely. Yeah. Because what is it but that effort moment after moment? So my, Alan? I had a question, not a confession. Not required to confess. Thinking about the cheese, which is where mine got stuck on.

[36:40]

Who would have thought of that? I'm sorry? Who would have thought of cheese? Megan. She's a storyteller. She's just a wonderful. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, cheese itself. Oh. You know, it's like this is contingency to me. It's like the incredible working of the human mind. They had to do some very weird things to invent cheese. It was probably just an accident. Right. It's the milk fermented. that you're floating along. Yeah, I think that's right.

[38:05]

It's fertile. And he goes on, Nagarjuna talks about the fact that if it weren't for this contingency, we could never practice really. If suffering were something static, then why make the effort to understand the Four Noble Truths? Why make the effort to understand that there's a cause of suffering and how could there be a way out of it if it were something static and unchanging? So yeah, it's completely fertile and creative is the word you use, that's right. It's free to be... free to be no one. It's also... it's free to be anyone. It's free to be anything. And what joy that is.

[39:07]

You just... Who is it who is being joyful? I am. Myself. I don't know that in the way that I'm using it, I'm not so sure it is an emotion. Maybe it is, maybe it is. But not on the surface kind of an emotion. That's why I said it's a kind of a calm joy, which is sort of sounds odd, a joy with equanimity. But I also say I am because I do have a self after all. The relative truth is true. And it's simply true that I feel better, I feel happier when, for example, I observe the precepts. You know, when I'm paying attention and I notice that I'm lying or that I'm criticizing others or something, I feel diminished.

[40:16]

And I just offer, and when I don't, when I let go of those kinds of things and allow myself to be nobody or just be who I am right now, I'm happier. And that's just true. Does that respond to you? I'm not sure. Well, but I keep wondering about God and also enlightenment. Who is it? Who is enlightened? who is responding to... Yeah, and I think, you know, when we're not insisting, then the appropriate response just arises.

[41:25]

It doesn't mean that you become an idiot or that you don't think or you don't respond, but it comes organically from a different place. I always tell this story. I was in an Al-Anon meeting and sitting next to somebody that was sharing something really painful, and I kept thinking, take her hand, I should reach out to her, I should, I should, but I just, I didn't, I just, I don't know, I didn't for whatever reason, I don't even know why I didn't. And then at the end of the meeting you stand up and you say a little prayer together. you're holding hands. And I remember, you know, you say at the end, keep coming back, it works. And then usually you drop the hands. And I just, I just turned to her and she turned to me and she came into my arms and she just sobbed. But I didn't think about doing that. That just happened.

[42:28]

And I think that was an appropriate response. So it wasn't, it didn't have the feeling of I was doing it. And we do, we have those experiences. And who is it? That's what Vimalakirti said. Yes, Mary? I have a confession and a response to this conversation. The confession is that enlightenment to me is that I'll always be happy and I'll stop yelling at myself. You'll always be happy and you'll stop yelling at yourself, yeah. And it does seem, however, when I try to take that into my lived life, that the moment that you described and the question that Ron has is that that dance doesn't seem random.

[43:41]

I don't know. I didn't mean to say anything. I didn't mean to say anything was accidental. I don't know about Ron. An appropriate response is a response to causes and conditions arising out of causes and conditions. I guess I'm struggling with the moment arising. The moment. It's not coming from any other mind. It's just arising. So it seems like it's just unconnected. Please continue to struggle with that. And if it makes you a little queasy so much, it makes me queasy. And I think it's, I think it's a useful, it's like the cheese fermenting. Let's see, Paul.

[44:52]

Early on in your questions and answers, somebody brought up their confession that they thought that when they're enlightened, that their virtue and practice would deserve it. And I think you said that it's always a good thing to question yourself. I was enlightened that I would be more compassionate with myself and others than to judge myself and others on the basis of dessert. value.

[46:25]

And there's no need to ask myself if I deserve or if I have virtue. Thank you. Well, I don't know if we disagree or if we talk about it differently. I think that it's always, well, you're using some kind of harsh words and I would reject some of those words like judging. I'm not talking about being judgmental and I'm sure as hell not talking about judging other people. But I am saying that I think it's useful for us to have a live question for ourselves. How am I doing in relation to my intention? in relation to my vow as a bodhisattva. Allowing that to be a live question, I think, is a useful thing, but not as a real judgmental thing, and certainly not, you know, sometimes we really beat ourselves up, and that's rather grandiose, to beat ourselves up, actually.

[47:35]

And I'm not talking about that at all. but that there be a lively question, you know, the Genjo Koan kind of question, you know, what's the next thing? So that's what I'm talking about. To value yourself, of course, you may recall I gave a whole lecture about loving yourself in some fundamental way, not a narcissistic way. You do need to value yourself. You need to find that treasure, that Buddha nature treasure, and have that kind of, we need to work with developing, exercising the faith muscle to have that kind of faith in contingency. Yeah. Go ahead. So the meaning of that statement is, am I worthy of receiving an offering?

[49:02]

All I have to pay for that is my virtue and practice. So that's the meaning of that statement. Yeah, yes, and, you know, I thought about that, but I think it's also useful for us to have... I'm not saying anything else. I know that, and I want to take it another step, which is to say that that is true, that it is about monks, and monks, that's what they have to offer, but it's also true that in some sense, that's all any of us have to offer. So, I think it's a useful question for us all to be asking ourselves, but it's how you ask it. It's how you ask it, I think, that matters. If it's asking, if it's insisting, that's a problem.

[50:05]

I think maybe we should, I think we should stop. It's almost quarter after 11. So, thank you very much.

[50:17]

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