Good morning. Good morning. Yvonne studied and was very close with Suzuki Roshi from the middle 1960s. And she also has had the opportunity to study with many of the wonderful teachers of the modern era in a whole range of Buddhist traditions, certainly in Zen, but also in the Vajrayana traditions, in Theravada,

[01:00]

In the course of those studies and those practices, I feel that she has herself become a treasure store of Dharma for us. And we're lucky to have her living nearby in Northern California. Yvonne is a Sacred Veda teacher. She's also a mother. She's also married. She's a gardener. Thank you very much. My heart is very full in being here again. I think this is a remarkably wonderful and beautiful place for practice. And my experience is that beauty is very useful in opening our hearts. So to have a practice place that's been here as long as this place has been, and developing every time I've come here, I see some changes, especially in the garden, which I appreciate very much.

[02:18]

I'm kind of a berserk gardener at this time of year. I think anyone who's involved in the garden goes a little mad in the spring. So I'd like to begin by saying a few words to the younger members of the group. And I thought that what I would say to you is that there's an emphasis in Buddhist meditation on what is called mindful awareness. And that is developing the ability to be present with whatever you are experiencing moment by moment. And I'd like to suggest to you a practice that you might try. It's a practice that I've been doing for several decades. So I don't think about doing it anymore, I just do it.

[03:20]

And this is the practice. When I go through a doorway, I step over the threshold, not on it, and I step over the threshold with the leg that's closest to the hinged side of the door. I'm not quite sure what you'd do if you had a sliding door, but most of our doors are hinged. Going out this door, the door opens this way, I would step over the threshold with my right leg. But coming into the room, I step over the threshold with my left leg. Anyway, you might try it. The big trick will be remembering the practice. But whenever you remember to do it, do it and see what happens. Sometimes, especially as I have aged and my memory has declined rather seriously, I go through a doorway and I suddenly think, oops.

[04:28]

So when I notice I haven't done the practice, I go back and go through the doorway again. And I find that quite helpful. So it means that you don't ever criticize yourself if you forget when you remember you do the practice. So I wish you well, and I especially wish you well in living in a community like this one that's dedicated to being awake rather than asleep. So thank you very much, and I hope you have a nice morning together. Water is dangerous.

[05:37]

Well, I've either spilled or tripped over just about everything in the last two weeks, which is why I'm sitting like this. I fell and sprained a ligament, which has its consequences. What I'd like to talk with you about this morning, try to keep an eye on the time so we have time for some questions and discussion. In the context of what pulls me away from the present moment, I have for some while now been paying attention to the consequences of having expectations and within the context of having expectations embedded often assumptions. And part of what I call the bundle is the habit of judgment and storytelling.

[06:48]

So that's the kind of troublesome bundle I'd like to invite you to consider. And as I said to the children, What is important is to not go to judgment because you had an assumption or an expectation about something and didn't notice that until later. I have hanging on the wall. of our meditation room up in the Anderson Valley, a statement that Suzuki Roshi wrote out on a piece of paper for two of his students sometime in the 60s. And the message on the piece of paper, like this, do not say too late. And As a kind of echo to that statement from Suzuki Roshi, I also have a statement from William Shawn, who was the editor of the New Yorker for 30 years.

[07:58]

And in one of the issues of the New Yorker, there was a collection of remembrances of him by the writers that he had trained. And the one that really struck me was the one that was written by John McPhee. who's a writer I admire a lot. And McPhee said that he was given an assignment by Mr. Shawn to write a piece on basketball court floors. And every few days, McPhee would check in with Mr. Sean, as he was called. Mr. Sean would pull out his editor's pencil, read what McPhee had written, and do some adjusting and talk to him about one thing and another. McPhee would go away and rework the piece and come back. And at a certain point he said to Mr. Shawn, Mr. Shawn, you are responsible for getting an issue of this magazine out once a week.

[09:10]

How can you possibly spend the amount of time you're spending with me on this article about basketball court floors? And Mr. Shawn's response was, it takes as long as it takes. So I think those two statements echo and support each other. I bring these two teachings up to encourage all of us to not be critical of ourselves when we don't recognize that we went into a situation with expectations, but rather to be willing to notice when we have expectations, even when that noticing may be sometime later.

[10:14]

Otherwise, the noticing goes underground, slips away, and we lose an opportunity for being able to study the mind and train the mind if we're not willing to notice certain patterns that are hindrances in this whole process of presence, cultivating our capacity to be present. So keep in mind the possibility of noticing when you've had an assumption about how something was going to be, and embedded in that assumption, what were the expectations that you had? And if the situation was not what you had expected or assumed would be so, Do you notice some storytelling about what happened?

[11:17]

Do you notice some assumptions about how it should have been? Do you get caught in storytelling about how it should have been or why it went the way it did, et cetera? This is one of the ways of beginning to bring increasingly over time a greater awareness of how much time we spend in the past and in the future at the expense of the cultivation of our capacity to be present in the moment. And if we're harsh in judging what we see as a kind of falling short, of what we had expected of ourselves or of others. There's nothing but loss in my experience. There's nothing but continuing to abide in the past and in the future.

[12:25]

And we lose the opportunity to actually know the characteristics, the patterns, the habits of our conditioned mind in service of uncovering and discovering unconditioned mind. So that means, am I really interested in my own conditioning? can I articulate to myself and to whoever sits as my witness in my working with myself with respect to studying the mind to the degree that I can articulate with the tone of gentleness and kindness whatever I observe about conditioned patterns. Then,

[13:29]

the very noticing leads to the dismantling of those habits. Now, there are, of course, a host of practices for the dismantling, the transforming of various conditioned patterns. But there's a lot that happens with our ability to see what's so. There's a certain amount of change that happens when we are willing to see what is so. A few weeks ago, I fell down some stairs and sprained a ligament in my right leg. one of the reasons why I'm not joining you on the floor. And I thought, oh, it's because my depth perception is gone or compromised somehow or another.

[14:43]

So I made an appointment to go have my eyes examined, which I did yesterday, only to be told that there was nothing about my eyesight in terms of eyeglasses with respect to improved depth perception. So since getting that information from the eye doctor, I've been considering, well, what are the other factors in taking that fall? And what I realized with some discomfort is, oh, out of attention. Now, I think there's also a way in which as we age, going up and down stairs can become a more hazardous activity, but only because of the dulling of, oh, pay attention.

[15:48]

And of course, that's an issue no matter what our age, no matter what our condition. Isn't it interesting how much we want to blame something or somebody for having taken a fall down some stairs? Oh, out of attention. I have one more embarrassment about out of attention that I'll share with you. I've only mentioned it once to my husband, because you'll understand why in a minute. I usually do not talk on the cell phone when I'm driving the car. But the drive home, which is quite familiar to me, but it's two and a half hours driving, and somewhere around Geyserville, I begin to think, ugh, when will this drive be over?

[17:00]

So I was driving along, talking to my daughter, who I enjoy talking with. And I was not paying attention to the speed at which I was driving until the highway patrolman started flashing his lights and pulled me over. And he said, lady, do you know how fast you were going? And I said, no. He said, I thought so. I was going 79 in a 65 mile an hour zone. I'm still waiting to find out what it's going to cost me. I'm sure it'll be plenty. Out of attention. So what I decided is turn the phone off the minute I get in the car.

[18:03]

It's the first speeding ticket I've ever had in my life. So I'm feeling the smart of the ticket. We'll see what happens when I go talk to the judge. Not the inner judge, the man or woman who sits there up high on that bench. So I want to reiterate and then I'd appreciate any questions or conversation that we might have together on what I'm bringing up. I want to emphasize that seeing what's so with respect to habits and patterns is a crucial, important first step. Change begins to occur with noticing.

[19:09]

There may be other ways in which I can dismantle habits that lead to suffering. but the most important first step is to see the pattern. Now, I'm using the word pattern intentionally. I'm not so interested in encouraging any of us to pay attention to content. There's a big difference, for example, in noticing the habit of judgment and the content of the judging. I think that's, I hope, a clear example of what I mean. So I think that's sufficient for me, and I wonder if any of you have questions or issues that you'd like to bring up for us to talk about together. Yes, please.

[20:12]

the particular mental? Well, give me an example of those two categories that you think of. So instead of noticing that I'm thinking about things that I should do, I need to clean my room, or I need to call this person, I should instead notice the type of mental activity that is, which would be like, these are... Shoulding, shoulding. It sounds like shooting. I also think that if there's a list of things that you should be doing that keeps coming up, that may be the indication that you might sit down and map out the list, get the list, and then map out what you want to do, what you have an intention to do.

[21:30]

that's realistic. And of course you start out with an unrealistic intention and you pretty soon learn, Oh, I thought I'd do in a week what probably will take me a month to do. So am I willing to notice, Oh, what I put down on my to do list is an unrealistic list for a week, but might not be so real unrealistic for a month or longer. And if I'm willing to refine the process of setting intention, I become gradually, and this is where the refining, if the refining process is gentle, I begin to be much more realistic about the list. I, for a long time, when we lived in Muir Beach, on the side of the door, in and out of my office, I painted the inside of the door with blackboard paint.

[22:36]

And I have a box of colored chalk, and I would write whatever it was I had on my to-do list. I also had a very good eraser that was quite helpful. And so I saw what was on the list, the large scale every time I left the room. And in time, I became considerably more realistic about how long it would take me to do one thing or another. But the other practice that I found extremely helpful is if that kind of thinking arises when you're meditating, the practice of not now. But not now isn't going to be effective if there isn't a now. So I'll make up the list on Thursday afternoon between 4 and 4.15.

[23:39]

And any time up until Thursday at 4, not now. I would also expand the focus not just on thinking, but also on by nation. There have been times in my life when I've felt some dis-ease and thinking, going on a search with what I call my industrial strength flashlight and a big stick wasn't particularly effective. I mean, it wasn't effective at all, actually. And what I discovered was by paying attention to a body sensation, I remember one time in particular being aware of tension and discomfort in my belly.

[24:42]

And I was supposed to meet my husband on a street corner in downtown San Francisco and it was pouring rain and I was on the other side of the city. I finally, I kept getting caught in gridlocks. It was a Friday afternoon at five or whatever. I finally pulled over. just so I could bring some attention to what was happening in the physical body. And I realized, oh, this discomfort in the belly goes with anxiety, with anxiousness. So I sat in the car and did some deep breathing for a few minutes and realized that I'll get there when I get there. And it took me a while to get to the corner where my husband was waiting. There he was with an umbrella reading a book. And quite at ease with waiting in the rain.

[25:46]

That experience was very, very useful for me. I think that particularly in our culture, we are used to paying attention to what we experience from the neck up. And that's where a lot of energy goes. So my experience is that I need to keep bringing attention to what I can notice from the neck down, what I can notice that's registering in the physical body. Because of course, we talk as though we can separate states of mind characteristics of the body, characteristics of breath, but they're inseparable. So I can find my way into what I'm experiencing in those three inseparable aspects more reliably by checking first with what am I experiencing in the physical body. My experience is that the body doesn't lie.

[26:51]

Thinking, don't believe everything you think. That doesn't mean that we can't trust some of what we think, but it bears, I think what's useful is the noticing. We begin then to have some capacity for discrimination. Yes, hello. Nice to see you. Nice to see all of you, but it's nice to see some of you I haven't seen for a long time. Yes. So the word judging is what I'm focusing in on here. I think one of the things that made me come to practice agony, and still is, less huge, but still.

[27:53]

So I wondered, in a culture where criticism and judgment, I've asked this question multiple times, like academia where I work, is so central, I still haven't really figured this out or resolved it or found peace with it. It's really tough. It's a relief to suspect, to let go of judgment, but I have to evaluate, criticize, judge. Yesterday I was in a meeting where one professor responds to another professor's paper, and you know, with great charm and comfort, he just demolished the other guy. The other guy or the other guy's paper? Well, there's... I mean, it's really hard to distinguish between what they're doing.

[28:57]

So anyway, this is still a source of great perplexity to me. Sure. Advice? This is where the practice that I call the 98% rule is very useful, a listening practice. Let me just add that the thing that's hardest for me is that I have to judge students. It drives me crazy, anyway. It drives me crazy, the great it. It's a chapter in a book I'm writing, actually, on right speech. It's called The Great It. I feel crazy when I am in this circumstance. The point I'm making is I want not to give my power and authority away with respect to my state of mind. I am capable of developing the capacity for studying and managing, if you will, my states of mind.

[30:08]

So, for example, if I'm on the receiving end of criticism, do I take what the other person is saying personally, that then gets to be kind of generalized, ancient twisted suffering, What I'm calling the 98% rule is a way of listening so that I understand that what the person is saying is what is arising in their mind. Now, I'm not talking about all judgment. I mean, you're talking about being in an academic situation where you are called upon. Part of your job is critique, evaluation, feedback, those specific aspects of what we call you judge the work of your students and other colleagues, papers, et cetera.

[31:23]

There's a certain amount of judgment that is required to go to the grocery store and come home with something for dinner. You're judging about what you're judging and planning, planning really an aspect of judging, habitual judging anyway. So it's not that, I'm not talking about all judgment. I'm talking about what's habitual. And I think that's a significant distinction. And the antidote, the classical antidote for the habit of judgment is quick, 10 things you're grateful for. And what happens when you do that antidote practice, I have the sensation that I've picked my mind up and put it on a different track in the record And the more I practice, quick, 10 specific things I'm grateful for, the more ease I have with, oh, appreciation.

[32:35]

Some of you have probably heard me tell this story, but some years ago, when my husband and I were living in your beach, I could walk to what I call downtown Green Gulch in 12 minutes. And I'd go through the lower, the road I would take would go through the lower fields. And drizzled along the side of the road were the glass coffee cups from the kitchen. And I would take as many as I could get on my ten fingers and grouse my way up to the meeting I was scheduled to go to. This was every Wednesday afternoon. Those of us who were guiding people in their meditation practice would meet and talk about how people were doing and what was up, et cetera. The whole community would be on edge during the Wednesday afternoon meeting.

[33:39]

By the time I got to the meeting, I was not a whole lot of fun to be with, including myself. I wasn't so happy with my state of mind. And that was when I kind of stumbled into the practice of what do I appreciate? And on the heels of that, what's possible? this particular day when I stumbled on what do I appreciate, instead of looking at all the dribble along the side of the road, I looked over to the fields, low fog, so the colors of the vegetables in the planted area and the shrubs and trees on the hillside, the colors, which were rather subtle, were just so beautiful. And there were kill deer.

[34:44]

I don't know if any of you know that bird, but they, if you're near their nest, they make nests in the ground. And so if anybody comes near their nest, they act as though they have a broken wing. and they come and distract you away from their nest. I looked over, there's this kill deer trying to figure out whether I'm risky or not and comes my way, you know, modeling the broken wing. But also what I saw was the beautiful, subtle coloration of the landscape. And on the heels of that, then what became more accessible was what's possible. And in that few moments, I realized what's possible is to choose to focus on what I appreciate.

[35:46]

Understanding that there are times when judgment is appropriate, but the habit of judgment is a different category from judgment that's appropriate. And we can get lost in that habit. And my experience is that habitual judgment is so closely associated not always, but often, with having some expectations about how things are going to be and a lot of assumptions embedded in the expectations. Yes, please. So I'm going to say something that might sound like a judgment. And if so, go ahead, risk it. I know that you probably won't take it personally.

[36:51]

It will only reveal the way that my mind thinks. So I find what you're saying very helpful in terms of being very sort of practical day to day, the way that we live our lives, the way we experience our internal states. And yet I'm having this problem because I find that sometimes Buddhist practice is presented as a way to improve ourselves somehow, and if somehow I can become better at letting go of my judgment and being hyper-attentive to... I know this isn't necessarily what you're saying, but if I can focus on the beauty instead of things that are making me irritable, those are all very useful. The things that are making me irritable. The things that irritate me or however you want to say it. My point is that I feel the need for sort of a bigger picture here. What are we doing here, you know? What is this? you know, what is this really about?

[38:07]

I mean, if we're living our ancient karma, what is this that's living? Is this just ancient karma that's living its way out and so the point of my life is just to try to sort of minimize the negativity of this ancient karma and do as little damage as possible and try to sort of get through my day and be okay? Or, you know, what really is the point of all of this? And I wonder what you have to say about that. Showing up. Presence. What for? How interesting. In those moments of presence I feel alive. I feel connected with myself and all beings and things. I feel access to joy and delight. I feel the consequence of peeling away those layers of conditioning.

[39:15]

The family I grew up in was, as is true I'm sure for many of you, an alcoholic family. So I learned a lot of what became habits as coping strategies that in my adult life led to suffering. Not ease, not joy, not connectedness, but separation. So, you know, there's a wonderful saying in Zen, which I think it's, having studied with a Tantric Lama for some time, he really helped me see the influence of Vajrayana in Soto Zen. And I think it really manifests in this understanding that when you sit, you are Buddha. No. But this is, when I'm sitting, I'm in alignment.

[40:26]

I have the possibility with having less distraction with activity and noise and music and conversation and blah, blah, blah. I have the possibility of tasting a moment of presence from which arises, oh, possible. I appreciate, you know, that verse about all my ancient twisted karma, or as you put it, tangled. That's a nice variant. But if that's all I'm focused on, I'm just going to be sinking. And One of the distinctions that I find in reading some of the early renderings of the Buddha's teachings is the distinction that the historical Buddha is said to have made is that between having dust in our eyes or seeing clearly.

[41:48]

And sitting still, walking, in silence, standing, with awareness of standing, lying down, the so-called Four Noble Postures, can support my capacity to extend these two energy centers, the belly center and the heart center, in a way where I begin in a secluded, quiet environment with good company, like-minded company, in order to be able to be in the world with all of the distractions and

[42:54]

what at some point in our lives may be distractions. I don't think Zen practice is worth a whole lot unless until there's some extension, some trickling into our everyday lives. I think the question you're asking is very important. What is this for? Because if I don't know what's bringing me to get up early in the morning and go down to the meditation room, oh, I forgot to turn on the heater last night, so it's not only quiet, it's also freezing cold. I'm not saying that I don't know the answer. I just want to know what you think. I don't trust what I think all that much. sometimes, but I do trust what I experience from the neck down.

[44:06]

I have deep confidence in what I know in a body-based way. And I've become, through diligence, more quickly aware of conditioned patterns. So I don't suffer from them quite so long, which is not to say that I don't still notice those patterns. But Natalie Goldberg in Writing Down the Bones has one chapter that's about two-thirds of a page long on the editor, which is, I think, a nice way of designating the habitual judge. And she suggests, and it fits my experience, that at some point, it's not that that voice disappears, but it's kind of back there in the fields somewhere so that I don't have the experience of that voice being in the driver's seat, if you will.

[45:13]

So what I'm recommending also is can I be kind to this condition, this aspect of conditioned mind? Can I practice generosity with what I become aware of? I don't think it's any accident that generosity is the first of the perfections, even before virtue. I think that's worth noticing. Oh, goodness sakes, thank you. Okay, I guess we're done. Thank you.

[45:58]

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