I've given quite a few talks up here over the years, but this is the first time I did it all dressed up, so to speak, more or less. I feel like my first success is getting through the bows this morning without having everything fall off. We'll see how it goes. Well, I want to say a few words about the full moon ceremony, which we just did. And Mel always seems to want to say a few things about that. And things I wanted to say are mostly things from Suzuki Roshi, just a few minutes of them. When Suzuki Roshi came, In most temples in Japan, you do three bows at the beginning and three bows at the end. But he felt that we needed to do nine bows, because we had more ego here than people had in Japan.

[01:18]

Now, things may have changed in Japan since then, I don't know. Maybe they've changed here too, but bowing has been an important practice. And these are just some things that I've read recently of Suzuki Roshi's. Oops, the glasses have to go back on even if they're wet. Bowing is a very important practice for diminishing our arrogance and egotism. It is not to demonstrate complete surrender to Buddha, even to the Buddha and ourself, but to help us get rid of our own selfishness. And then he says some things about the precepts. He uses the word rules in this case, but I'm sure he believes in, I'm sure that what he's talking about are the precepts because those were the times that he said these words.

[02:22]

Our rules are based on a warm, kind mind. It is not so important to follow the rules literally. Within the rules, you should try to break one. You should do something like that on and off. Then you will know what is wrong with you. And then he says, don't kill is a dead precept. Excuse me is an actual working precept. So, I'm going to move on to what I planned to give this talk, more or less. And two weeks ago today, Ron Nestor gave a talk about a vital practice and how to sustain a strong sitting practice.

[03:38]

And after that talk, I really started wondering about what a vital practice meant and how it can be very, very different for all of us. People come to practice for different reasons and from very different backgrounds. And we know that on one level, we are all the same. We are all here sitting with our Buddha nature or wherever we are with our Buddha nature. And at that level, the level of being Buddha or being empty, we're all the same. And on the other level, we all have had completely different lives and have come here for many different ways. A lot of people have come here through 12-step programs. A lot of people have come here after reading things about sin.

[04:43]

People have come here, I think, all of us in some way because we feel there is something missing from our life. Sometimes people feel there's something that needs to be fixed in their life. I even know people who have come here to lose weight. Let me tell you, it doesn't work. I'm living proof. And I think some people come here with what Mel calls the peep show experience. And that is you've had some deep experience at some point in your life. Some kind of touching the spiritual side of you and you have and it comes and goes and you have a hunger a real deep hunger to recapture that so there are a lot of reasons we come here and then we're reminded over and over again that this is not a gaining practice though when we first come we come to gain something

[06:03]

But we're told over and over, this is not a gaining practice. You do it to do it. Now, the one time I have heard somebody sit up here and say this is a gaining practice was Norman, our dear, almost ex-abbot at Green Gulch, who started sitting as male student here. Not here, but at another building on Dwight Way. And he said, we're not fools. We wouldn't go through all of this if we didn't get something out of it. And when I heard that, what flashed on me was this image from one of the very early—for me, one of the very early French films that I had seen. It was a version of Beauty and the Beast.

[07:11]

And what I saw in that was in that there are these wonderful scenes of surrealistic scenes of candelabras in this long, long hall. and person going down the door and knocking on door after door after door and looking for what was behind it. And I sort of feel that's what we do. We knock on a lot of doors here as we practice and we don't know what's going to be behind those doors. We think we know maybe, we have a desire that we want to fill, to be a better person, to sit up straight, to do something different. And something comes to us, and we seem to, behind those doors, usually, we're given what we most need. Maybe not what we asked for, not what we wanted, but what we most need comes to us from behind those doors in some way.

[08:19]

And maybe it's the beast, if we're lucky, because the beast does turn into the wonderful prince or whatever, but something happens and something changes. Anyway, basically, what I want to talk about is And what I think I've started to talk about is continuous and continuing practice. How we can work to continue our practice when there is so much going on in our life. We're not living a monastic practice. We have families, we have jobs, we have friends, we have lovers, we have problems of growing old and problems of trying to stay young, and gardens and things that call to us all the time, animals that we love, both human and other ones.

[09:27]

So, in one way, continuous practice is that practice that comes to us from the Seven Buddhas for a Buddha. It comes to us through our lineage from Shakyamuni on, but it's also a practice that's just there, that's been there. We've just found different ways over time of seeing it and defining it. And I'd like to read these words of Dogen's that comes from his fascicle on continuous practice, which is in that new book that Kaz edited. And you might look at, if you have a chance, we have copies in the library. Buddha ancestors have said since ancient times, living for 100 years without encountering a Buddha does not compare with living for one day and arousing determination for the way.

[10:37]

These are not merely the words of one or two Buddhas. They have been spoken and practiced by all Buddhas within the cycles of birth and death for myriads of kalpas. One day of continuous practice is a bright jewel in the banded hair, the ancient mirror of all-inclusive birth and all-inclusive death. It is a day of rejoicing, The power of continuous practice is itself rejoicing. Even when you are uncertain, do not use this one day wastefully. It is a rare treasure to value. Do not compare it with an enormous jewel. Do not compare it with a dragon's bright pearl. Old sages valued this one day more than their own loving bodies. Reflect on this quietly.

[11:40]

A dragon's pearl may be found. An enormous jewel may be acquired. But this one day out of a hundred years cannot be retrieved once it is lost." And then going back to Dogen Our practice is transmitted from warm hand to warm hand. I'm sorry, I meant that is going back to Suzuki Roshi from Jogin, and I like that. Our practice is transmitted from warm hand to warm hand. In trying to figure out a way that answered some of my questions after hearing Ron Nestor's speech the other day, I came upon some things somebody led me to, and that was an article by Normans that was printed not terribly long ago in the windmill

[13:03]

and it was on stages of practice. And I read that, but it was written about stages in practice at the monastery, and it seemed to me that there were parts of it that were true for me, and other parts that didn't mean anything to me. So I'm going to talk mostly about my own experience. A koan for me for a long time has been, why did I stop practicing when I did? I practiced here for 10 years when I was 36 years old. That was a long time ago. And then I stopped practicing for about 10 years. And now I've been back for a little more than 10 years.

[14:07]

And so for a long time, the question for me was, why did I stop practicing? Why? But I was thinking in a narrower term, I think. I was thinking in terms of a Zazen practice of sitting here. And over that time, I kept close touch with my teacher, Mel. kept getting the Zendo news and reading it every month and noting, oh, they're sitting sashimi now. Oh, they're doing this now. Hmm, seven days. And I tried very hard to come back. And in the meantime, I had excuses. I had five children, some of them quite young and some of them teenagers, which made it even harder. I'd come, I'd sit maybe for two or three days, or sometimes I'd manage to come back for a month.

[15:17]

For a while I was sitting here alone in the evening, and sometimes somebody would come to sit with me, but I'd keep the Zender open, and then it would fade away. But I've just recently realized that my practice was with me in a different way. It was there always supporting me through years of teaching school with some very wonderful but very disturbed and very needy children. And I found another part, for me, which was almost formal practice. I wanted to make a Buddha, so I signed up for a sculpture class. A pottery class, thinking, well, they've got kilns, you know. I can do what I want once I get in there. And I started throwing. I did make my Buddha, and then the teacher said, well, maybe if you did some throwing of pots, of making pots,

[16:23]

Then you would get more into the feel of the clay, and so I did, and for ten years I was addicted. But I don't think it was very close in ways for me. to a Zen practice because it was, I think, the only body-mind, real body-mind practice outside of sitting that I've ever had. I've been a klutz all my life in terms of sports and things like that. And I don't think it would have been as rich for me as if it hadn't been for those years of practice that I had before. And it gave me great pleasure to do things for the Zendo here, to make a set of cups, some of which still survive after many, many years, make a Jizo for the garden, or to see Mel and his wife and his child.

[17:32]

So I want to talk about these different stages, and if it rings true for you, some of them ring true for me, some of them I don't really understand, but I've heard other people during practice discussion talk about them. And the first is that gaining practice, whether what we want to gain is enlightenment or be a better person, is we really want something, and we get it often. We get it through practice. We get to see the simple beauty in life. I remember when I started sitting again, the first thing that I saw again was that the green lights, when you drive any place, that they're different colors, that some of them are a yellow green and some are a bluish green, And you know, that was like, oh wow, something is happening.

[18:44]

Anyway, when I, after that long ten year period, one of the things that I had noticed was that I don't, I don't think I could have possibly done all the things I was doing at the Zendo. I was spending hours and hours a day sitting zazen at the Zendo, trying to keep my family, my children as nurtured as they needed to be, teaching, getting more and more involved in teaching, which I just thought of, oh, it's one of those easy things you can do if you've got, you know, turned a few dollars. And I fell passionately in love with teaching in the meantime. But then when I finally did, this is sort of not necessarily in order, but when I did finally come back after that ten-year gap, what I promised myself was, that I would walk in through the door every morning for a year and sit zazen five days a week.

[19:54]

And if I felt like it, do a seshin. If I felt like it, if I felt that it was the right thing to do, I would come on Saturday. But I made limits for myself. I would not join a committee. I would not get deeply socially involved. But I would just walk through those doors for a year. And I did that. And I finally felt, well, who knows? Things change. But it's been more than 10 years that I've been back, walking through that door. And it's good to be here. Anyway. So, but the thing that often happens after that gaining practice, when we get what we want, there seems to be a point of a little disappointment, that richness of seeing the beauty, of everything being sort of magical, of feeling like you're more in touch with your spiritual life again.

[21:01]

being able to watch, listen to a bug crawl across the floor, your senses get sharper. But then often there's sort of a sense of disappointment sometimes and boredom that comes up. And I don't remember this. But I hear other people talking about it and I see people who have been here for quite a while leaving and looking for a different practice, looking for something that's got a little more action in it or a little more direct payback for their hours of sitting. And then after that, if people hang around, there seems to be a sense of commitment, of a real sense of commitment, of wanting to do things to help the Zen do, of wanting to support the Sangha, of just wanting to sit Zazen and feeling that sitting Zazen in itself, no matter how much your legs hurt or how much you're bored or how little great insights or deep spiritual feeling you're getting,

[22:21]

you want to be, do that, you want to practice. And then sometimes, for some people who have been very deeply involved, there's a real sense of, while they're still committed, it goes back and forth, there's a sense of really, of flight almost, of wanting to just get out of here. And these are often the people who have given the most to practice, And it really takes some deep energy to keep it up. And then some people talk after that about a dry place. And I'm not sure always what that's meant, but I think, again, it has something to do with a hunger, a hunger for something. that we don't always feel, that we still have that desire for something.

[23:28]

Maybe we can call it a gaining practice, but for something a little special, to go back to see again something we've experienced before. Suzuki Roshi talks about when you're at a heiji, It's nothing special. You're just monks. You're just doing it day after day. You're doing what you're doing. The schedule carries you. You carry the schedule. But it's nothing special. What is special, the people who are special, are the people who come and visit from outside. And they really seem to be sort of special and different. And then, when he hadn't been at a heiji for a while, and he came back, He said he could not stop the tears. They just flowed. And then he could realize how special that practice was. And then another thing happens along the way here.

[24:39]

I mean, I should have said this before. I think some of these things happen. in one sitting of zazen for us. When we talk about these stages, the stages are just boxes somehow in a framework to put it in, an outline. But sometimes it's there all the time, all of these experiences happening at once, sometimes in sequence, sometimes not. But there comes, I think, out of all of this sometimes a deep appreciation for the practice. But for me, well, somebody came to me right after the day I had been ordained, Darlene Cohn, who had just been ordained a few weeks before, and she walked right up to me. She was one of the first people I saw as I came out of Zen Dojo, and she said,

[25:42]

Tell me how you feel right now." And I said, I feel like I'm exuding gratitude. And I feel like no matter what mistake I made or no matter how hard whatever I did, it was all right that the Sangha would pick me up. That it wasn't support in saying, oh, well, we're so glad you're doing this, but it was actual palpable support of sangha. Just that it gives to everyone who comes here in some way. It's not always palpable to the person, but it's there. So there's that deep sense of appreciation that's almost love and trust in the Sangha.

[26:46]

And at the same time, knowing that things are always changing, that they're always changing. And as Suzuki Roshu says with that, so nothing can be yours I'm going to read one last thing from Suzuki Roshi. The secret of Soto Zen is just two words. Well, it's three words in English. It's only two words in Japanese. And I don't remember the Japanese for it right now. Just two words, not always so. This is the secret of our teaching. If you understand things in this way, without being caught by words or rules, without too much of a preconception, a preconceived idea, then you can actually do something.

[28:04]

You can apply this teaching which has been handed down from the ancient masters. When you apply it, it will help you. We have a little time for questions. Peter? Considering where you were in your practice at these various points in time, did you When Ron gave his talk, he talked about the word intention.

[29:06]

He said he didn't like it. And I think intent... I think I had aspiration to come back. I aspired to it. But I don't think... I don't think... I was consciously reflective on it. I just knew that, or had some kind of faith that in some, at some time I would. I'm sorry, did I, I've forgotten your question sometimes. I was just, as you were talking, I was thinking about the relationship, you know, sometimes when you're unclear about why you're practicing I'm trying to sense what my motivation is to practice in some way, whether it's here or there.

[30:07]

And it's not something I can understand or even figure out, but I feel like I can sense it. Yes. I think there's... I don't know... There's something I want to say to you and I don't know whether... It isn't in your question exactly, but you have a family with young children. And one thing that I'm really grateful for is that that I kept some kind of practice that was visible to my children, because it has really changed their lives in a way.

[31:11]

That each of them, though none of them are practicing Zazen at this Zen Do, but each of them really believes in a spiritual practice. And sometimes their spiritual practices don't necessarily look like spiritual practices to me. They may be political practices, but they come with the spirit of Dhana. I mean, they aren't the kind of political people who are angry. They come with a softness and a warm hand, I guess. But your practices, a lot of your continuing practices in your family, isn't it? Do you think that not always so and everything changes are the same thing or is there a difference between?

[32:13]

I think they're overlapping sets. Everything changes. I think somehow it's more universal, you know, really universal. And not always so has more to do, as he begins at the beginning, the secret of Soto Zen practice. that it's not always so, it's not the same each day that we come to sit. It's not all the same what we do. It's not all the same in our desire to practice. At some level, I'm sure they connect and they're close, but the way they're expressed, I think, is different, speaking to something different in a way.

[33:27]

Oh no. I think you're stuck. There was a hunger for it. I think And there's a difference somehow between having a hunger for something and a taste for something, right? I don't particularly have a taste for having sweat run down my back right now in this very warm outfit. But, anyway, thank you.

[34:39]

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