Good morning. So some of you I know, and many of you I don't know. So my name is Paul Heller, and I belong to the San Francisco Zen Center. In fact, I'm the tanto there. I'm not sure if there's an equivalent here, but the tanto supervises things, so when, along with the ino, so when people walk to the wrong seat, amongst other things. It occurred to me just as I was doing that in a practice whose aspiration could be described as to discover an unconditioned response to a conditioned world. We sure have a lot of very particular ways of doing things. And it's something close to that that I'd like to talk about this morning.

[01:03]

And if I don't talk loud enough, please put your hand up or give me a nod, so I know you can't hear me. Another thought that occurred to me as I was driving over was, I'm not sure if what I'll say will make sense for you. So if you want to stop me and ask me a question, that's fine. Because I would like it to make sense for you. I feel like I'm saying this for myself, but I also hope that some of it's useful for you. What I wanted to talk about was taking a Dharma position, which means in Zen practice, knowing where you're at. knowing your relationship to where you're at.

[02:05]

And what brought this up very vividly for me in the last week, one of the things I have the honor of doing is drawing people's attention, their participation or non-participation in our schedule. In the city we have between 20 and 30 residents and part of their understanding is that they attend the scheduled events. For those of you who practice here regularly, this is a very familiar mindset. So in the past two, in the past week I talked to two people about this. And the reason it was so vivid for me was one came forward and said, could I talk to you? And the other, I went and asked and said, can I talk to you? So one came forward and the other I approached. The person I approached is in many ways quite a remarkable person.

[03:13]

They came to Zen Center and they said, after they visited several times, they said, this is what I want to do. and I'm going to plan my life to make it happen. I'm going to develop job skills in computers and I'm not going to have a career path that puts a high demand on me. I'm going to keep my job marketable and flexible and be available. Sit machines when I need, when they're available, take classes. And I guess the remarkable part is they went out and did it. They set about it and they've actually done it. So this was quite, to my mind, quite a remarkable, clear-headed perspective and remarkable follow-through. So I approached this person and said, now I've noticed, and this is part of what I'm expected to do, I've noticed that you haven't come to so many lectures recently.

[04:25]

And then we had a very interesting conversation around it. And rather than go through all the wonderful details we did, And they were wonderful because this person is pretty astute. And one flavor I got from our conversation was that this person had the capacity to create what I would call a comfort zone. in their life. They could make their life work. That was part of the good fortune. They could make their life work. They could say, this is how I see it and this is how I'll put it together. This is how I'll make it work. So he said, well, what I've been doing is, comes lecture time and I try to notice, do I feel like going to lecture?

[05:33]

And I may respond to that. And quite recently the response had been, no. And then we discussed that. And for those of you who've gone through similar thoughts, you know, indeed, our understanding is that to be able to call on the spontaneous, the unconditioned response to awaken to our own relationship to things. We use some discipline, we use some particular style, some particular order. The visiting lecturer sits here, the abbot sits here. I got confused, I figured the one that was And also I like the shape of that cushion much better.

[06:38]

So that's how we think, you know. We think, here's the logic. The abbot should sit on the brine cushion because that's more traditional. but also I like that cushion better. So this is part of how Zen expects human beings to be. So we provide a logic and also preference can influence us. So how do we How do we let both teach us? How do we let the apparent logic of the situation teach us? And how do we let our own preference teach us? And so quite simply, so I ended up there and someone said, whispered, go here. And the reason we do that is to help me find my Dharma position, is to help me see the nature of my own thinking, what I'm looking at, what sense I'm making out of it, what logic I'm making out of it, and also what preferences, what personal preferences are influencing me.

[08:12]

I like to sit on a softer cushion. That's my preference. I feel more comfortable and I like to be comfortable because I think that I can sit better Zazen and all those sort of things. So this is what this person was doing. They were producing a certain logic and they were being influenced by their preference. And it made sense. It made sense that they'd be influenced by their preference Because that came out, they said, you know, sometimes, I'm not sure I want to go to a lecture. So we had a very interesting conversation. But the point that I wanted to bring up was that I stepped forward to this person. Now the other person has, their life circumstances are quite different. due to whatever reasons, however you want to describe it, childhood history, Greek cosmic forces, their karma, or whatever, their life is difficult.

[09:28]

They're constantly confronted with personal emotional turmoil. They find themselves constantly challenged just to keep steady, just to keep from being emotionally overwhelmed, from having to close down from the intensity of their own state of mind. What I would call a pretty small comfort zone. and actually sometimes none. And to carry that term a little further, for them, the absenteeism was a direct reflection of when they couldn't cope, when it was just too much.

[10:31]

But the thing that struck me most between these two cases was This was very active for this person. In some ways their lack of having a comfort zone seemed like a gift because constantly they had to find their place and they didn't always succeed from that place. They weren't always able to step forth and relate to the world in a formative, creative way. However, there was great vitality in the interaction. By necessity, they had to keep looking at what was coming up and see within it the efficacy of relationship.

[11:38]

And the reason I say that is because each one of us has our own circumstances. I think we can quite easily look at ourselves and think we're both persons. We have the place in our life where we're competent, things work, we can relate to them, we do well, and then the other places, eh, maybe not so. the ways we get smacked, the ways we get caught up in the swirl of something, maybe it our emotions, maybe it our desires, maybe it our lack of enthusiasm, our attitudes, the stuff that comes up for us that takes away entering into the moment, that takes away following through on our intention away our willingness to step forward and face the details of life.

[12:54]

So each one of us has our own personal circumstances, each one of us has our strong points and so to speak our weak points. And so to speak, because these two people show us This person with remarkable gifts in some ways in relating to life and being purposeful and productive had a little too much comfort. That's one way we could think about it. And this person didn't have that luxury. So they had to stay closer to what was happening. They had to stay closer to it just to survive. So unfortunately for most of us, our life doesn't demand that much of us.

[14:03]

We may find we can move along and cope pretty well. That seems to be about what the average Zen student does. But one way to think about this is we bring our capacity here. And when the details of life come up here, the details of personality and circumstances and the things we have to relate to and the persons we have to relate to, when they come up here, our coping mechanisms, our capacity to absorb and deal with works pretty well. But the intriguing part of our practice is right here, that we don't catch so easily until it becomes center stage all by itself.

[15:05]

Whereas as it gains its potency out here and then becomes center stage with the thought, how did this happen? So part of our practice is The two-fold question given this kind of thinking is how do we bring things to center stage and how do we, as Shantideva would say, bring forth our spiritual energy? How do we take, and I think in Zen we would say, how do we take our Dharma position? And then we reduce it to a very simple phrase that we've all heard, anyone who's practiced for lots and lots of times is, we just do it. We lay out the particular, you come in, you bow here.

[16:09]

It's very interesting because when Bob and I talked, did you say come here? You did, see? And this is also how we interact. We set up the grid and then we accept responsibility. We don't say, well, you're wrong. It's your fault. Because, in one sense, it's just what happens, right? Can we stay with the relationship? and did the right thing happen or did the wrong thing happen? It's what is happening. How are we relating to it? So if I'm embarrassed, to relate to being embarrassed. If I'm insisting, he didn't tell me to relate to the fact, to relate to that, to my own insistence.

[17:15]

So the particulars are there to give us an opportunity to discover the relationship we have to them, and inevitably we do. And as we work together as Dharma brothers and sisters, as Sangha, We support each other by taking responsibility. I didn't tell you clearly." And I think, well, I guess I didn't pay attention when he said it. So this is part of the style of Zen. We create scenarios that we enter into precisely. And that precision creates a definition of right and wrong, but it's just a game. It didn't hurt anyone, but I went over to Mel C. But it could, right?

[18:21]

It could. I could feel embarrassed. In a way, that's a hurt. Bob could feel neglectful. But the underlying theme of our practice is not to hurt us. We don't put particulars to hurt us. We don't ask people to come to lecture to make them suffer. Hopefully they'll come to lecture. I didn't quite realize what I'd said. Of course, we don't ask you to come to lecture to not suffer. I was thinking of lecture as an example of scheduled activity. Come to Zazen, come to lecture. In a residence, you know, when people come to live in a Zen residence, this is just a list of things you're expected to do.

[19:27]

Cook dinner once a week, come to Zazen every day, go to lecture once a week. And when you come, it's a good idea. It sounds like it's what you want to do. But as you stay around, you discover there are times when you'd rather not. And sometimes you're not even looking at it, you'd rather not. So someone comes up and asks you, like me, and asks you, what's going on? Help you find what I'm calling the Dharma position. to discover what influences are bringing forth your relationship to what's going on. So in Zen, one of the ways we use to create awakening is detail. Do it like this. Do it with this kind of precision.

[20:29]

This is the expectation. So we use To use a Zen term, dualism, this precision, this idea of this is right and this is wrong. The right thing to do is to go to lecture and the wrong thing to do is to not go to lecture. But it's just skillful means to help us explore. The right thing is to sit here, the wrong thing is to sit there. But we just made that up. And actually in the city we made it up the other way. The abbot sits here and the visiting teachers sit here. So we just made up something else. But we take it just as seriously as you take this arrangement. So we make up circumstances and we make up expectations. And in a way this is a great gift because generally speaking, this is a benign situation.

[21:36]

No one's physically harmed. There is tolerance and understanding when we mess up, believe it or not. And it gives us an opportunity to take it seriously and to not take it seriously. To bring forth our effort and to still appreciate some pragmatism about the whole event. And this is a luxury that isn't available for the person I was telling you who. struggles with their life circumstances. So the interesting thing that came up for me, the interesting perspective with these two circumstances was that one person could move easily in the world we set up for him.

[22:50]

seemingly that the comfort zone lulled him into not looking at his dharma position and the other person didn't have that luxury. So to turn it on its head this person was more fortunate because always life was saying Right here. Stay right here. Look at what's coming up. That was a necessary part of this person's course through life for now. And the courage and determination is very impressive. It was a privilege to hear it. It was an inspiration to see and to reflect Do I create that in my life? Do I create and recall forth circumstances that put me on the spot?

[23:59]

Because that's the other side of our practice. We can create expectations. We can create an arena of detail into which we enter. But we can also become familiar with it. So I come here and I haven't been here for a year. It's quite a challenge. But if I came and did this every week, I don't think it would be such a challenge. So part of our practice asks that of us too. Part of the spirit of Zen practice is to call forth the challenge. To put yourself on the spot. to take your Dharma position. So in traditional Zen, you would do that by talking to someone about your practice, talking to a teacher.

[25:13]

But more broadly speaking, you would also do that by just your intention to be with each moment. by your intention to hear feedback from your peers, by your intention to look as carefully as possible. In some ways we could say all this points at is mindfulness, to call up, as Suzuki Roshi called it, beginner's mind, to enter into each situation and let it teach us to not enter into it with so much prejudice and conditioning that it's still uninviting and uninformative. Recently I asked someone a question and they said to me, I've been asked that question hundreds of times and I thought, you've never been asked that question before.

[26:26]

This is right now, this question is now. That's our practice. If we've been asked the question hundreds of times, right now the question is now. That's the challenge. Can we put ourselves into it that way? So maybe you think, I've heard all that before, but be careful. Maybe you think, I don't particularly agree with that, and that's fine. It's fine to have a Dharma position, but how thorough can your Dharma position be? Can your Dharma position live vibrantly and receptively and not be contained within like and dislike, not contained within some implicit comfort zone, some set of thinking in which you operate clearly, in which you operate efficiently and

[27:40]

So sometimes in Zen we talk about taking risks to open up a little beyond the comfort zone, a little beyond where our coping mechanisms and our world is familiar. And what we offer as the place to explore that is zazen. Because through the support of our posture and our breathing to truly take on the risk of opening up to what's happening and to try to penetrate all the implicit and subtle ways we support and create the self. This is a profound risk.

[28:46]

So Zazen in some ways embodies, literally, Zen practice. It's created from particulars. How we sit, how we put our spine, how we put our arms, how we put our hands, how we set up our head, how we put our teeth, where we look, what we do with our life. how we follow our breathing. So we put particulars on our body, we put particulars on our breath, we even set up a disposition of mind. And then we just sit. Our aspiration is to take the gravest risk a human being can take. To just sit with what is and not concern ourselves with following preference fixed attitudes, support our sense of the world and our own definitions, and anything else that solidifies our life.

[29:59]

To let go of everything that solidifies and orders our life. To just sit with it as it is. So particularly in Soto Zen, this is our understanding of how we come to our Dharma position. We come to it through the experience of awakening, the experience of just sitting. We come to it through interaction with our teacher. We come to it in a residential setting, or even if we welcome it. You don't have to live here to welcome someone asking you. I haven't seen you at a lecture recently.

[31:06]

In some ways it feels distasteful to have those type of conversations. But actually they're quite intriguing. They're quite intriguing because they have a potency, they have a bite to them. When they come up, by necessity, the Dharma happens. We take a Dharma position. How do you say that to somebody without being judgmental? How do you respond to that without being defensive? So in a residential position, in a residential situation, we have that. But you can also have that. And then without a residential situation and with a residential situation, you have the same thing by coming forward to a teacher.

[32:08]

You come forward to a teacher and you take a Dharma position. And in some ways, that's a little easier because Often the teacher will let you choose the topic. They'll let you set up the area of discussion. And in that way it's more difficult because you have to call out of yourself the willingness to take a risk, to call out the area. And often, even though our intention is strong, this risky area is on the perimeter. It's not so easy to say what it is. Often, it comes up in a vaguer way. It's not so easy for us to walk in and say, this is it.

[33:10]

And that makes it a little scarier, a little more frightening. So sometimes we find even with our intention and our commitments, our experiences that are there, we still search as to how to call forth this peripheral areas that they can have an underlying potency for us. But as I said earlier, the mode of mindfulness of just being with what happens, it sort of extends what we're scanning. When we're seeing what happens and focusing it here, then it makes the periphery a little less visible.

[34:24]

When we're presenting our own existence to what's happening, when we're joining with what's happening, when we're entering into the moment to see what the moment is, to experience what's happening, our vision opens up, our field of perception widens. So that's why we should always remind ourselves that our practice, in the midst of all these details, in the midst of all these precisions, should have a wide feeling to it that we don't know how to practice. As Suzuki Roshi would say, moment by moment we find our way.

[35:27]

We enter into the moment, we see the relationship that arises, and we respond. we find our Dharma position and we take the next step. So, I've run out of words. And I've got to say, some of that makes sense to me. And don't Don't be surprised if it doesn't make sense to you. And if in some way you can articulate any questions about it, I would be happy to respond. And maybe together we can find a dharma position. Do you think a community morality is relevant to finding a dharma position?

[36:33]

A community morality? As soon as you said it, I thought, yes. And then I thought maybe I should think about that and give a more complicated answer. I would say yes, a community morality does happen, but also we should be careful that we have a way sense to what we're calling morality. We should be careful that always we're looking at it because If things become too codified, if we take for granted what's appropriate, if we take for granted what's appropriate, there isn't really a need to look at it carefully. Because that's it. That's how we should do it.

[37:34]

So our morality is we discover it all the time. We discover why we don't kill. through our relationship to life. And what do we discover in that? We discover we do kill. And when we, you know, someone was talking to me, we have a courtyard and we have a lot of snails in it. And they take care of the courtyard and they really were feeling very hostile towards the snails. And they started to read about snails, and they got captivated by, they said that snails have, I think they said 10,000 tiny teeth, or like saw-like edges, and they grind away the plant stem or whatever they're eating.

[38:37]

And they said they had so much more appreciation of what a snail is. And that didn't take away the situation that do we want plants or do we want snail food? Do we want pretty flowers for us as human beings or do we want to let our preferences go and support the snails? And so what I'm trying to say is that We have to be careful. If we know too much in advance, if we're too casual in how we address it, we don't see all that the situation has to offer. Maybe we can dismiss the snail.

[39:40]

And as we explore it more, and as we see this snail, the snail helps us find our dharma position. It helps us see, I like flowers, and I don't like snails. And that I'm bigger and stronger, and snails are smaller. And I'm not sure whether she killed the snails or not. Oh, I am actually. What she did was, she put up barrier, which they sell in stores, and it's about three inches high, so the snails couldn't get at the flowers. However, the barrier is very ugly. It's made out of a dark, brown, sort of waxed paper. So we're deciding. So far, it's a standoff. But it's a stand-off.

[40:49]

We've compromised on our aesthetics and we find some way to relate to these beautiful parts of existence called snails. Did that make any sense? Thank you. That's my favorite solution too. He's not a sad student. Right. So we have cockroaches in our house and I never kill them but my wife does. But then I remember that in some ways we're doubly responsible. And we've done a doubly dangerous activity.

[41:53]

We've created a comfort zone in supporting our own sensibilities. And then we've left someone else to pick up the mats. So maybe we should both go back and kill all the snails before rather than leave him with the burden of responsibility. And me too, with the cockroaches. I try to pick them up and throw them out the door. Could you say something about the role of preference in, say, We have our preferences and some... So what I was trying to do was, I was, right, that's how we would think, right?

[43:50]

And how these two people struck me this week was, it kind of turned it on its head. Because if you looked at this person's life, you'd think things are going well, you know, moving along, and that's pretty good. I mean, isn't it pretty good to think, I want to practice to know that? Isn't it pretty good to be committed enough to just lay out a life that to support your practice. Isn't it pretty good to have the capacity to follow through on your idea and the talent to set it up? I mean, it's quite remarkable, I thought. So on one hand we could say, well, this person has a lot going for them and this other person has very difficult circumstances. And we could say, well, that's not so good, how unfortunate. But actually, my experience of them was that this person's situation created a courage through its intensity.

[45:03]

In some ways we might say through its negative aspects. It gave a gift. It gave a gift of saying, be present to survive. So how I would relate that to preference would be the same way. When our preference is weak we have more or less like this as you say this you know in a way it wasn't a big deal for me. I didn't break my heart that I had to sit here instead of there. It wasn't a big struggle to switch So when our preference is small, our comfort zone is more substantial. When our preference is very large, very potent, very dynamic, our comfort zone is smaller. It gets closer to us.

[46:06]

And that's where we have to meet it. We have to meet it more immediately, closer to us. And it asks more of us. And from the point of view of practice, that's what we want. We want to be here. We want life to say, be present. And normally we do that by searching out what we want through asserting our preference. I'll be totally present if I can have what I want. And so our practice turns it on its head.

[46:51]

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