I vow to take the truth as out of the target of the words. First, I want to thank Richard Ng for coming and being Doan today. All the people who are older members who are Doans for this ceremony couldn't come today. So Fran asked Richard to come from Zen Center to help us out. Thank you. The ceremony is at the heart of our practice. I want to ask you, Why do we practice? I want someone to say.

[01:08]

I want everyone to say. No choice. No choice? OK. To keep in touch with the awesome. Awesome. There's nothing else to do. That's what Mary said. Any others?

[02:15]

Feels right. To find the truth and live with it. Forget the self. He was there, you know? Who? Just find who I'm not. Who you're not? Okay.

[03:53]

Ken, I was asking everyone why we practice. Do you have any idea? Well, I don't know. Good practice. And one reason is to help other people. To let go of our small selves. Kind of for ourselves. Put some of our own personal stuff away. I think the things that everyone said are some things I agree with, some things I don't, but I think that we're reaching for some way to say.

[06:29]

Basically, apart from that you can't say, we practice to know ourself. I can't say is emptiness And to say, to know myself is form. So if we say, I can't say, that's pretty good. That's wisdom. That's prajna. But it's only one-sided. The other side is, I know.

[07:39]

And if I know why, then I have some direction. So I can say, I don't know, which is the ultimate answer. But the ultimate answer is not good enough. The ultimate answer is not enough. We need to have some diluted mind. We need to have some deluded idea about practice. Otherwise, we can't do anything. So, to know ourself. Not necessarily to do anything about ourself. If we know ourself, we'll do something about ourself. Naturally, something will happen. Hinayana style of practice is to eliminate all the obstacles of the sphere of the senses, all the objects of sense and the consciousness.

[09:09]

to eliminate samsara in order to reveal nirvana. But Prajnaparamita, Prajnaparamita Sutra says, no eyes, no ears, in emptiness, no eyes, no ears, no nose, no tongue, no body, no mind, no color, no sound, no smell, no taste, touch, object of mind, and so forth. If you eliminate all those things, then you have a kind of nirvana of No self. But that's not enough. When Tozan was... Tozan Myōkai was a young boy,

[10:31]

He went to his teacher. He had a teacher. And he went up to the teacher and said, look, teacher, this sutra says no eyes, no ears, no nose. This is in the ninth century. No ears, no eyes, no nose, no tongue. He says, but I have a nose. I have ears. I have eyes. The teacher said, you better go find a Zen teacher. I can't help you out. So Tozan went looking for his Zen teacher. And I think that most of us are in the same position as Tozan. What is You know, this citra, we chant this citra every day and it says, no eyes, no ears, no nose, no tongue, no body and no mind. And no one ever brings up the question, I have a nose, I have ears, I have eyes.

[11:38]

And we don't want to understand it intellectually. People say to me, I don't want to understand that intellectually. Okay. Fine. How else would you understand it? Understand it through your practice, but what are you doing to make that happen? If you don't want to do it intellectually, How are you putting yourself in a position to do it some other way? What we want, actually, is to have our cake and eat it too.

[12:46]

We want to be able to practice, but we don't want to have to do too much. to do it. And this is a kind of problem. We want to have a little bit of everything. We don't want our life to be We want our life to be full, but we don't want it to be too hard. And we want to be able to practice, but we really don't want to give up much. Give up a little bit, but not too much. And It's okay, but I'm not saying that we should do away with our life in order to study Prajnaparamita or in order to meet that head on, but

[14:15]

It only comes, our understanding only comes from our sincerity. Knowledge helps, but it's also a hindrance, can also be a hindrance. And practice helps. But main thing is knowing how to give up. This is how to give ourself over. This particular ceremony of repentance ceremony and renewal of vows, this is a kind of renewing ceremony. And a lot of bowing, a lot of chanting. But meaning here is giving up.

[15:27]

Meaning of the ceremony is knowing how to give up. And knowing how to give up is the most difficult thing that we have to face in our life. We have some idea about ourself and about what we want and dharma practice stands in the way. Dharma practice stands in the way of ourself. So in order to practice dharma, you have to realize that dharma practice stands in the way of ourself. It stands in the way of our idea of ourself. It stands in the way of what we want, how we want to fulfill our emotions and our feelings and our ideas.

[16:30]

And what we would like to have is a Dharma practice that is very compatible with our life as it is. You know, the best practice places and best teachers are very strict. In China, The monasteries that survived the longest are the ones that were the strictest. Now I'm laying a big trip on you, you know, kind of a tough trip, which I don't want to do. But this is subtle.

[17:36]

This is true. the practice places that survived through all the turbulence of the history of China were the ones that were the strictest. And there's some reason for that, some reason why that is. A strict practice will confront your feelings, your sense of self, your sense of ego. And when it comes down to, we'll give ourself to something up to a point. But then there's a point where it really, the practice really faces us, hits some chord, you know, where it says, wait a minute, not this. Don't, don't, don't fool with this, pardon me.

[18:39]

don't fool with this part of me." And this is how we get to know ourself. If we have a strict practice, then we can start to know ourself. If we don't have a practice that challenges us in some way, or that makes us face ourself, then we put off, you know, we get to a certain point, keep putting off, or stop there. So, the point is, how do we get to really know ourself? How do we get beyond our ego? The Mahayana way of practice is, according to Prajnaparamita, is without giving up your emotions, living in the realm of samsara, to be able to live a life of freedom from yourself.

[20:06]

You know, the Hinayana Buddhists figured it out. If you want to get beyond yourself, just throw it away. You know, in order to look into reality, according to Buddhism, there is no self. Human beings have no self nature. True nature is no nature, no self nature. This is number one. How do we find that out? So to practice the Dharma means to know who we are. And if you want to know who you are, you have to know who you're not. So practice of Dharma is to constantly give up who you are and to find out who you are. to give up who you are in order to know who you are.

[21:14]

Now, if I let go of that, am I still, who am I? If I let go of this, who am I? And can I still survive by letting go of that? Can I still survive by letting go of this? Now, do I need that? Do I need this? And the more you, the less you have to rely on the more you see what it is that you are. So sometimes practice is called practice of self-reliance. Right? Whatever that means. What do you really rely on? What's at the center of all this? When you say, who are you? What will you point to? your head, your ears, your eyes, well, in a sense, wherever you point is okay. Any place you point is okay.

[22:21]

You can point to that post. That's okay, too. But only if you understand that that's true. But, you know, who am I? Who is this? What am I? So sitting zazen is fine, but why do we sit zazen? Why are you sitting zazen? It feels good. There's nothing else to do. Why is there nothing else to do? Many people said, because there's nothing else to do. There's no other way. But why? Why is that? Because none of us can escape suffering.

[23:27]

And death and suffering are natural features. Fantastic. They are natural. So, when you talk about being strict, I mean, life is strict. Yes, life is strict. That's right, life is strict. And if you sit a sesshin with bad posture and thinking about your own condition every second, you are guaranteed to have a very painful sesshin. And the same is true of life. Right. Good. What else can you say? Pretty good, actually. So, what is giving up in that sense? What does it mean to give up in order to find yourself? What you said was very good, actually. I like what you said about if you keep checking on yourself or kind of worrying about each little thing that happens in a sense, right?

[24:39]

Keeps building your sense of self. Keeps building this idea of myself, oh, this hurts and that's a feeling of constant discomfort in the world. This feeling of constant discomfort, sometimes we call it suffering. But suffering is, what is suffering anyway? What do you think suffering is? remains always been poking out. Closing in. I have some way of seeing, or some way I think I should be, or something I should do, and the world as I'm living it isn't supporting that.

[25:44]

So there's a lot of suffering in the experience. And something seems to be resisting Yeah, resistance. Thinking that we're a single person. Well, now Buddha, in the Four Truths, Buddha says the cause of suffering is desire in its inordinate sense called clinging to desire, clinging to desire. But it is pretty hard to not cling.

[26:52]

Pretty hard to have, we talk about non-attachment, but pretty hard to have non-attachment, isn't it? Even if you want to, say you see somebody that you like and pretty soon you're all excited and the blood's running and your thoughts are turning to that person as an example. And then it's pretty hard to say, well, I studied Zen and I won't think about that. Pretty hard. How do you deal with that? If you create some situation with somebody, you may be fulfilling your feelings, expanding your feelings, expanding your emotions in some way.

[28:04]

But say you have an affair with somebody. Say you're married and you have an affair, or you're not. And then your idea, your feelings and so forth, turn out to be fine for a little while, but then after a while, you realize, this isn't where I'm going, and you don't want to continue this. So you start having something you don't want. and you start suffering because of it. This is very typical. The reason I'm using that as an example is because it's very typical. You know, we do something that we like, but then after that we're in a place that it causes us suffering afterward. So how do we get out of suffering? You have to go after the attachment.

[29:10]

You have to see the attachment clearly that you have and see that you're creating it and work with that in some kind of clear way. I think a lot of people make the mistake of going after the suffering and the pain they're So you mean like stepping back? Yeah, that's one method of saying, well one way would be You know, as you were talking about the affair, I was thinking about, you know, how an affair becomes a marriage.

[30:22]

And it struck me that most of us have an affair going into practice. And as long as it feels good and satisfying, whatever the desire is, then we're in love with it. And then it'll get to a certain point, and we want to divorce it. As soon as it starts getting us in trouble, we want to divorce it. That's very good. Yeah, it is. Well, yes, and that brings me back to the point of when I'm in that situation over and over again with another person that I have a hard time with in a relationship, I often do approach it like I'm in a session or my Zen practice because you're sitting in a session and you've got pain in your legs and you've got five more days to go and whatever, and so you have to So I work with the immediacy of the situation, and I try to work with it as it is, and communicate with the person.

[31:24]

There's a lot of things you can do in the moment to work with it, but there is that certain element of, if you take a relationship or an uncomfortable situation like you would a session, what you learn to do in a session with your legs, the pain, and the boredom, and everything like that, if you can take that into your daily life, that really helps. So, yeah, there's several things. One is, what are you committed to? I mean, what in the world are you committed to? What in this world do you have a commitment to? And the other thing is that during sasheen, what do you do with your problems? Now, sasheen can be painful, Or, you know, various things are not painful. It can be pleasant, painful, indifferent, you know. But it can also be suffering. It can also be suffering.

[32:27]

I mean, you know, you sit there for seven days and you don't move much. And you have a lot of problems. And some people have suffering and some people don't. What's the difference? My experience again is my ability to be where I am. It was a real pain.

[33:33]

Really? Well, you said it before, and it's another way of saying how Bob just said, you have to give up desire because you appreciate all the hard work you're doing. I sort of had a similar experience in the last session with Bob, but instead of... I didn't realize until I was into it, though. I think it was breakfast time, and I realized how spaced out I was at breakfast time, and you seemed to catch on to it, because you kept sort of telling everyone to pay attention. And I realized that up to that point I didn't realize that I had gone into the session feeling I had to do it. And I didn't realize until that point how spaced out I was and that I didn't really want to be there, but I couldn't figure out where else I wanted to be. So it was kind of like Bob's feeling that sort of like, I have to do this. It's kind of like my duty. It's my duty to do it. So that kind of caused a lot of suffering. That's right, that causes suffering.

[35:43]

That separation between yourself and yourself causes suffering. And there are a lot of things that cause suffering. I remember Suzuki Roshi giving a lecture once about to be and should be. He said, most of you, the way of thinking of Americans young Americans is to be. In other words, we want to do what we want to do. We want to do things our own way, and we want to do things according to our choice. But the other side is should be, which is there's something that has to be done.

[36:44]

And he said, the way that you get it out of suffering is when should be and to be are the same. What we want and what is imposed on us, so to speak. And when what we want and what is match perfectly, then no suffering, no dualism, no duality, prajnaparamita. Right? Nirvana is samsara. When what you want to do and what is inevitably happening is the same. But when that separation occurs, then It's like you have one foot on the shore and one foot on the boat. The boat is leaving the shore, right?

[37:48]

It should be and to be. It's really right there. Well, go ahead. Oh, I just wanted, because this sort of goes back to what you were talking about earlier about making the practice hard. I assume you mean also discipline. Strict. Strict. So if we want to be doing what we should be doing, then we have no sense of discipline. We just do it. It's true. It's not a sense of, I have to do this thing I don't want. But we do have that, you know, and as human beings, we can't help but have that. But when we allow ourself, you know, to face the fact something is always coming up, moment by moment, that we don't want to do.

[39:01]

inevitable. Something is coming up that we don't want to do. And yet, we have to do something. And this is right there, at that very point, is even though we don't want to do something, we have to do something. And our karma drives us. We're driven by karma. And if you look at your life, you'll see that what you did yesterday determines what you're going to do today. By yesterday, I mean yesterday or the day before, or somewhere back there, determines what you're doing now. Because of what you did then, you're doing these things now. And you may want to do something else, but you can't do it very easily. You may think that you have a lot of free choice, and you do, actually.

[40:03]

We do have a lot of free choice. But because of the karma we have, we don't have much choice. Actually, we do have a lot of choice. But because of our karma, we don't have much choice, because we're driven by karma. Driven by, not by karma, but by karma, I mean the fruit of our acts. And everybody is going around in various spheres because of one thing leads to the next. And when you cut off that one thing leads to the next, then you have some freedom. So within our karmic, but you can't really get rid of the karma. You can, but it's very difficult. It's possible to get rid of the karma, but little by little we have some freedom from it. But to say, get rid of your karma altogether, you know, pretty hard, the result of your actions.

[41:09]

So little by little, when we get some enlightenment, we start to realize that, well, instead of doing these things, you know, you make some effort to act in a way that doesn't create that kind of karma, that is going to make cause you a lot of suffering. So practice is like how you refine your life after you have some enlightenment. You may say, well, I don't remember having enlightenment. But the fact that you're practicing sincerely is because you have some enlightenment. I thought when you started talking about to be and should be, I thought you were going to go at it the other way. Because to me, suffering is always that I think the things that should be the way they should be and they aren't.

[42:19]

And that's what I mean by suffering. So I find now that I feel like I've all my life piled up all these things that I've done, and now they're all, you know, having their results. And I've always had a lot of goals, and when you have all these goals about the way things should be, should be, should be, always in the future things should be, then you're constantly in that state of misery because things aren't being the way they ought. And I find that what I'm trying to learn how to do is just sort of cope with the stuff that I've already done that's happening now and just take care of that and not keep on with any future group, the pilot, or should be.

[43:28]

This acceptance thing is very tricky. Because it can be another shift. You should be accepting what's going on right now. Just let go. And then there's the problem that comes with that, your resignation. OK, I'll let you. This is the way it is. I accept it. Which isn't a very joyful or free state. I think it's freer for me than suffering with what's happening. But it's still, at best, a neutral state of resignation. Could you say something about this for a little longer? Is there anything else? intellectual one can do?

[44:38]

Or is this all beginning up more a part of our practice of sitting? There is something intellectual you can do. Stop thinking. It's not That, you know, you're like a leaf in the wind, you know. That's not what acceptance means. Or that you're, you know, not confronting something. That's not what acceptance means. It means not fooling yourself. It means to be able to see the reality as it is.

[45:47]

That's what acceptance means. I have a story that really illustrates that. And I think when there's acceptance, it's also the opposite of resignation. It's a kind of energy then. But I learned a lot from an 11-year-old girl when I was working clinic. When a disaster comes, people just sort of turn to a mental health clinic because there's no ritual. And so this girl's father had killed her mother, had shot her mother and killed her, and the father had then hung himself in jail. And so the social workers all said she should talk to a therapist. So I talked to her for a while, and she was a very smart And she was very accepting. She did not criticize either parent. And she wanted to talk a lot about her father and just remember things that they've done together.

[46:51]

And that was a lot of what we did. And then one day she said, of course, my true father is in heaven. And I said, how do you know that? And then she looked out the window, and it was autumn, and the trees were colored. And she said, the way that tree looks against that house is just perfect. You can never make a picture of it. There's a gatha, you know, about waking up in the morning that's used by the Soto monks.

[49:25]

I can't remember it exactly, but something like As I wake up, as I awake, I vow to see everything as it is without giving up the world. Without giving up what? We're not giving up the world. That's Bodhisattva path. You know, in this last newsletter, I put in a some of the talk of Suzuki Roshi where he talks about how you help people and teach someone who has ability and not too much problem you can offer them a nice cushion and a nice zendo and a way of practicing

[50:58]

But there are people that can't do that, you know? People who have so much problem that they can't... You say, well, here's a nice cushion, a nice zendo, a nice practice, but they say, I'm suffering too much. I have too much suffering. I can't even... I don't even know what you're talking about. Or, I can't, you know, I can't sit down there. And so on the one hand, you offer someone something that they can do. And on the other hand, you help you identify with the one who can't do it and help that person some other way. And in some way, we're both people. Most of us, I think, are both in some way.

[52:03]

We have both parts of us. In some way, yes, we can appreciate a good cushion and a nice sundo and practice. And in another way, there's some part of us that can't be helped. some part of us that is really suffering and needs to work that out before we can really do much. Before we can really find our way, you know, completely. So I think we have to realize that, and that that exists with all of us. I think it's wonderful that I have a mixed mind.

[53:11]

One side of my brain says, everybody should really get down to it and start practicing and be strict with themselves. And the other side of my brain says, all of us, you know, are just having a hard time in this world with ourselves. And it's almost as much as we can do to keep going and stay alive, you know, and sane and so forth. And so I have these two minds, one that recognizes one side and one the other. And so sometimes I'm very... I'd say something that Suzuki Roshi said was that when you don't think about time, then you're just very sympathetic with everybody.

[54:20]

You know, when you don't think about, when there's no time and nothing, you know, you just see the world as that side of the world where everybody's just suffering and needs compassion and needs nurturing and so forth. And so you just have this big mind which goes out to everyone. But then on the other side, where there's time, you know, we live a certain number of years, and in order to get something done, we have to start doing it, and we have to make sure that it gets done in time. And from that point of view, you say, shape up, you know, get it, get onto it, you know, get some blah blah blah. So both these sides exist in the same person. And so to be able to sort that out and make things work is difficult.

[55:26]

To know what somebody needs when and to know how to help them do what they need to do and to use the right means and to to not help somebody in one direction when they should go in the other. Or not expect something from somebody because they really belong on the other side. To know what side people belong on. And sometimes you can't tell. They're right there in the middle, and push them over this way and they'll go that way, or you push them over this way and they'll go that way, or you push them over this way and they'll go that way. It's very difficult to know exactly how to help somebody. Sometimes you just tell somebody to go away.

[56:31]

Go away and go to college, get married, do all these things that you have to do. and just hope that their life succeeds and so forth. So what else? You encourage, you know, give up this stuff and practice. So it's not easy, always, to know what to do, how to help somebody or direct them. I mean, by direct, I mean give them some guidance. You gave me a wonderful piece of advice many years ago. I was very depressed about something or other and was considering various things. And you said that I should find somebody who had the same problem as me and help them. I was outraged. But actually it worked and I think it's It's really been the main guiding thing in my life.

[57:43]

It's good, thank you. When somebody dislikes you, I help them. That's very good. I don't remember saying anything like that at all. I wasn't just putting you out. I think you're just giving me some advice. Well, you gave me a piece of advice just recently that was, be strict with yourself, but be compassionate with others. Yeah, that's old advice. It's not mine. It's good advice. That's the advice that I got. So I'm passing it on to you. I still haven't worked it out. Yes. And then the other side, speaking about your family, I mean, one is not bad. It's not unpleasant. Do you need to keep a balance coming here? Yeah. Why not? I mean, actually the problem comes from having to arrange to come here more than you intend to.

[58:47]

Having... Having to arrange to come here more than you intend to. That causes a big problem. Then life is suffering. We're going to move it practically in that way. Right. It's true that if you have too much desire, you know, to come to the Zen Dojo, and it causes a lot of problems around you, it's not so good. And if life is pretty good, you know, it's good. There may be something, you know, that you don't see, but maybe not. And, you know, things are going pretty well, but someday they may shift, you know?

[59:57]

It's like, and then, and then you'll see. you know, what you need to do. Maybe nothing. So as long as it's fine, enjoy it. But as the Boy Scouts say, be prepared. But the best way to be prepared, actually, is to not have anything in your mind. Really, you know. So that when something happens, you're open to it. That's really the basis of practice. That's, you know, constantly giving up. You know, you come to this Bodhisattva ceremony and you unburden yourself in some way, you know, hopefully. You don't say anything specific, but you recognize your karma and you renew your vows, you know.

[61:01]

So you, just some fresh feeling, hopefully. But, you know, even while I'm bowing sometimes, I'm saying, I'm cursing out the Tokyo. You know, and then I have to say, well, geez, you know, I should stop that and just pay attention to my vows, you know. So to me, that's the kind of renunciation, to give up my idea, what I'm thinking about, you know, that's not really my critical criticism or, you know, something, and just get down to my business and keep my mind open. When I'm thinking, when I'm...

[61:37]

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