So welcome to everybody here in Zendo, and welcome to those of you who were on. Today is day four of our five-day sushin to close out the practice period. And some of us started right at the beginning, and some of us have joined, and some of us might be just here online today to talk. That doesn't really matter. I'm hoping that Sojin's words of encouragement will be helpful to all of us. His reminders and guidance. So I just wanted to say that once again, I'm the backup. I was not planning to give a talk this week. Lori had planned to be here all day.

[01:01]

She was going to be the Doshi and give the talk. And as you know, things have moved right along and Hozan will be returning here in a few days. So there's been a lot to do to prepare for that. And she came to me and said, I can't stop. In fact, I can't give the talk. So we've scheduled her for some time this summer and we'll all look forward to her giving a talk when she can. So I'm using part of Jojen's book that she would have talked about, my own version of that. One section is about happiness, and one section is about posture and breath.

[02:04]

So what do breath and happiness have to do with each other, and how are they related to us sitting here during Sashin? I'm hoping that I can convince you they're all related and helpful as we sit together. Sojan says, happiness is not in the pursuit of. Peace must be in ourselves. That's why we don't say to get rid of your pain in order to be happy. Happiness doesn't depend on the circumstantial causes of pleasure and pain. The Buddha Dharma goes deeper than just being happy. The pursuit of happiness is...

[03:06]

pursuit because happiness is the result of something. Since everything is impermanent, if you construct happiness out of an ephemeral situation, it will eventually crumble and unhappiness will be the result. Happiness is like the sun, which is always with us and shines through even when the clouds of like and dislike grasping, and aversion, and the trials and tribulations of our life seem overwhelming. We're often distinguished between happiness and joy in this way, that joy was always there, always available. plenty of circumstantial causes for pleasure and pain during these days of Sashim.

[04:17]

And how have we been practicing with those, right? The pleasure of spending these days together, being fed tasty food. The pleasure of having old friends return to sit with us. The pleasure of being quiet in our busy lives. And then the pain of our bodies, our back, our knees, our thoughts, our analyses, our criticisms, whatever. So we let those go and we come right back to settling into zazen. Breath. So about posture, Sojin's essay is quite appropriate to our day.

[05:21]

He says, today is the fourth day of sashim. I want to remind us about breathing. I know you won't forget to breathe, but whether you forget or not, you will breathe. I want to remind us to allow our breath to be deep and to let go of tenseness when we find our breath rising from the chest. When we inhale, our lower abdomen expands. When we exhale, it contracts. This is where we should focus our attention. If you have pain in your legs and you don't know what else to do, put some strength in your exhale. Focus your attention on one breath at a time. He says in Soto Zen we mostly follow our breath. Rinzai students put a lot of strength in the lower abdomen on the exhalation.

[06:26]

If you don't know what else to do, rather than uncrossing your legs or moving from your bench or chair, That's my added words. You might try putting some strength in your lower abdomen when you exhale. So whether we forget or not, we breathe, right? Whether we know we're on the path or not, we are. He coaches us to let the breath fall. Fall. So when we're tired or we're tense or we feel some worry, we can notice where's the breath high up in the chest or the throat. Take a deep breath.

[07:30]

Watch it fall. And notice the lower abdomen expands. So on the out breath, let it all out. When we do that, there's some relaxation, some rest. He says that the way we get to that deep breath is one breath at a time. And he says sometimes that's all we can deal with, one breath at a time. And he even says, that's pretty easy. It's what helps us stay on the path. And he calls that turning desire into the right path. It's right here, whatever it is. He also calls that absorbing practice through our pores, or we could say down to our bones, right?

[08:42]

experiential. We might have some idea of what we think we're doing, you know, some idea in our head, but actually the way that we follow practice, the way that we really be in practice is through our engagement, our action of activity. And when we really notice we're doing that, then we're more focused on the path, the way, than we are on our desires. But we have to be diligent. And if we practice this way, if we really practice this way, then He says that something inside expands, right?

[09:46]

Space that expands on the inside. And it contains whatever discomfort or pain we may be feeling. So let's keep trying that today. Following that intention, that space. See what's in there from the inside. So how should we practice with our posture on day four? Well, he says, first off, we should understand that the word actually means activity. It's not like practice to get better at something like a sport. It's our activity. But it's a certain kind of activity, right? Kind of like focused activity of the way.

[10:48]

How we put it into motion, this focused activity of the way, something like that. And the place that we're looking for is right here. right where we are. So if we think that everything is a kind of stepping stone to something else, then we're always missing where we are. And when we do that, we get caught by that, right? So that's why the positions that we've been given by our Sashin director are so important. You know, we're all supporting each other. We're not doing stepping stone zazen. Every job is as important as the next job.

[11:54]

So how to completely manifest in the present no matter what we're doing. And when we realize that we're far away from that, you know, in our thoughts or emotions or some feeling, complaint, whatever it is, we have Zazen instruction. That's what Sojin always told us. That's what he did and that's what we can do. It sounds kind of boring. But we can do that, give ourselves zazen instructions. So this is what he says to himself. Straighten the back. Push the lower back forward. Lift up the sternum. Put the head on top of the spine. Hold the mudra lightly.

[13:02]

Open the eyes. shoulders. Balance the body. When pain in the legs comes, just accept it immediately. Whatever feeling comes, accept without hesitation. When we do that, we open ourselves to that expansion, that space. And he says it's in that space where we can touch the joy that's always there. It gets covered. It's there. Which is different from happiness. Because happiness is dependent on changing circumstances. The joy is always there no matter what's happening.

[14:04]

Sojin was really big on reminders, so he says that he reminds himself not to have any limit. I found this part really interesting. Just take the shape, he says. Take the shape of what is there. Usually we have some kind of rigid idea. of our shape, either mentally or physically or psychologically. And then we can feel, you know, kind of overwhelmed or like we can. When he says there's an inner soft spot there, we can locate that spot. then the boundary that we put on ourselves, the limit we put on ourselves can widen, maybe even disappear, even for a moment.

[15:13]

So he calls this being one with the pain or the discomfort or the dislike, one with the problem. And he says one with the problem, then there's no problem. He often coached us to go right into the painful knee. I used to wonder what he was talking about, but he was talking about the breath. Right into that discomfort, breathe it into the discomfort. We can try that. When we're not one with the problem, because there's thinking. And the minute there's thinking, it creates some kind of division. So the minute I'm thinking my knee is driving me crazy, then that just launches into a series of other things.

[16:31]

ideas or story, you know, develop that thought. It hurts. I don't like it. I want it to go away. When is this period going to end? When is the bell going to ring? Whatever your version of that is. He says, when we can settle ourself, and open to our own light, illuminates ourself and permeates outward to all beings. If we can open to the source of joy within ourself, then we can touch it in others. True joy rises from wholeness, but we lose it in partiality. It's easy to believe that if we were rid of all our problems, we could have a happy life. True joy arises from wholeness, but we lose it in partiality.

[17:42]

What does he mean by that? Well, when we separate from what we're doing, then we often go to the mind. And whatever's going on in the mind is really only partial truth. It doesn't really represent the full truth of the moment. And it often pulls us into the past or the future, and it often pulls us right into this all-important me. So our job in Zazen is really just to stay right where we are, keep returning and posture just this. So in Japanese, this source of joy that he's talking about is called Jijuyuzangmai. And he explains that as self-joyous samadhi, self-fulfilling samadhi.

[18:49]

So in Sanskrit, samadhi means something like total self-collectedness. So what does it mean to be self-collected? totally self-collected. It means just become you. Just become us. Fulfill what we already are. Sounds so wonderful, doesn't it? Our zazen that goes beyond thinking and emotion, he calls that true zazen. So as we move through these days, some of our initial or superfluous or on the surface may kind of fall away and our desire may kind of deepen.

[19:54]

We may have the desire to practice really wholeheartedly with each other. and with this body-mind. And hopefully the emotions won't be such an obstacle. They'll still be there, but they'll move to the background or just not be so important. They won't get in the way of our zazen. So we don't want to get rid of thoughts or emotions. So then says that right in the middle of all that, right in the middle of thoughts and emotions, we find ourself, or he calls that the original self. But then he says, well, find isn't really the right word. It's more like hide in that original self. And then those thoughts and emotions, they won't hinder us.

[20:57]

They won't hinder that great effort that we're all making. We can watch the thinking mind. We can watch the emotions, you know, kind of like the clouds moving across the sky. Or, he says, kind of like being on a train and watching the scenery go by. Just let the scenery go by. There it goes. There it goes. So he says again and again, in this way, there's no hindrance. You know, and I think as we sit longer, and as we sit through these longs, we begin to have some faith in that. That if we practice this way, then there's no hindrance. Then he says, but wait.

[21:58]

One of the biggest hindrances, during Sashin, and especially here, now in day four, is anticipation. And we all know that one. That comes up as a hindrance when we're not really in the present, right? Because it's about our fantasies. What are we fantasizing about? What are we anticipating in the future? Only one more day. One hour to lunch, right? Three more minutes till the bell rings, right? We all know what and it takes us right away from this moment, right? Just this. So our anticipation is in this moment, but it's about something that's in the future, right? So then that means that isn't in the present, this moment.

[23:12]

So that's why anticipation is one of the hardest things to really deal with in Sashin. So that's for that reason, long around day four, Sojin would always say to us, don't anticipate, stay where you are. Don't think about day five. Don't think about lunch. Don't think about what you're going to do after sushi, right? So we're self-anticipating. What can we do? Well, we can stop and return to breath and posture, and we can give ourselves Zazen instructions. and not give in to how much we love to anticipate. And when we do give in to anticipating about the future, then we just notice that and return to breath and posture.

[24:20]

No scolding. And then the opposite of anticipation is longing. Longing for the past. Oh, last week I was lounging. What am I doing this for? Right? Or this morning my knee didn't hurt. Yesterday it was so much easier. So we know that one too. So, so many thoughts about past things. and future, and we do have to think about past and future in a different context, but not here. Our job here is to let go of it, return, return to this moment. Not necessary to think about past and future, and actually it's counterproductive. So how do we stay present?

[25:22]

We stay present by focusing on the body, to the body. What is the body doing and what do I want the body to do? Keep track of what the body's doing and then put effort into what I want it to do. So if I want to sit up straight, nothing else to do. Five days of sitting up straight. So I'm tired. I'm falling over. I'm drowsy. My head is falling forward. What do I do? Sit up straight. Constant return. Nothing else. I feel like we say the same things over and over and over again. I once said to Soja, you know, as far as I can tell, you give the same talks month after month, year after year.

[26:26]

and what else is there? I'm thinking about lunch. What do I do? I know what the menu is. What do I do? Drop it, right? Come back to breath and posture. Maybe I can count if the mind is active, right? Can be a great help. Breath and posture brings us right back to this moment. Ellen calls that moment when we come back a potent moment. And I love that word. I think she's absolutely right. It's potent because there's a choice right there. Do we return or do we stay with what we're thinking about? And when we return, we have that opportunity to touch that moment. that he's talking about that's always there.

[27:31]

Sojin often talked about water and the ocean, so here we go again. Have you ever noticed those big kelp beds in the ocean? The ocean moves and the kelp moves with it. Whatever the waves do, the kelp does. even when it's rooted to the bottom. Often we try to escape the waves, but our resistance is suffering. Samadhi is like playing in the waves without getting pulled under. If you can do that, your life can be happy even though you have many problems. This is the joyful path that cannot be extinguished by circumstances. I read this many times and every time I read it, it made me think of Ron Mester. For those of you that don't know, he's very close by, just across the street from Berkeley Bowl.

[28:45]

He enjoys visitors. I've been asking him basically the same questions every time I visit him. And recently I asked him again, how are you spending your time? Are you reading or listening to music? And he said, no, I'm not doing that. And I said, well, I'm just trying to pay attention to the present moment. So I was telling him one day about these readings I was doing of Sojin's. And he told me that when he can stay in the present moment, then there's relaxation, there's rest. And I said, that's exactly what Sojin says. I just read that. And I said, well, what about your difficulty breathing?

[29:53]

Because he has a very difficult time breathing. And he said, one breath at a time. And I asked him one day, are you happy to be alive? And he said, yes, I am. So I told him, you know, Ron, that's true zazen. That what you're doing is right out into daily life, into the circumstances that you found yourself in. And this is precisely what Sojin is talking about. How to bring this mind right out into our lives. Attention to the present moment. Whatever's happening. So Sojin likens sashim to a persimmon on a tree.

[31:04]

And if you try to eat a persimmon before it's ripe, it'll be astringent. Maybe we've tried that. And it makes your mouth pucker up. So you have to wait till it gets ripe, you know, it gets sweet. take the astringency out if you try to drain it out, or I don't know how you would do that, but he says, then you ruin the persimmon. It won't get right. It'll just be ruined because the astringency element that really helps it ripen. So he says, that's the same way with our practice. with our minds, right? Whatever's in the mind, whatever terrible or wonderful thoughts are there in the mind, whatever is there in the mind.

[32:08]

We want to try to get rid of them to have a peaceful mind, but he says that's just really the wrong way to go at it. The mind will be ruined. So all that. is necessary, really, for our transformation, and it's a process. Sometimes that process can be difficult or painful, but it takes place when we put ourself in the process. And we may not understand the timing, right? It's never because we're saying to ourself, oh, I'm making progress today. Now I'm transforming. That's not Zazen. So he says that why happiness is not in the pursuit of. That we're never gonna get rid of all of our pain to be happy.

[33:16]

That's just dualistic. And that our practice goes so much deeper than that. You can't grab something to get, or to see, or to make, or to find, or to hold on to. We know everything's impermanent, so the joy, it comes from understanding. Everything comes from experience. That's the most important thing, our understanding. which comes from our experience. So how do we keep dropping everything when we're in Sushin? These defensive postures to pain or discomfort or thoughts or emotions. Well, the best way we can do that is to follow the schedule.

[34:18]

And that might get more difficult by day four. We might be more tired. We might wanna talk more. We might wanna walk up to Crixa and have some dessert. He says it's really important to follow. because it really helps us with time. So he says, be on time, don't get lazy about time. Because all of our activity is taking place in time. So if we resist time, then we become kind of like a victim of it. But if you go with time, in other words, you merge with the activity, then you're right in time. and actually there is no time, and it just disappears.

[35:22]

We probably all had that experience when we were on vacation or when I'm out backpacking and I have no watch, like merging with the activity. What difference does time make? But when we resist that, then we get right back to anticipation. So as soon as we have trouble with time, then we become out of time. So let's try to all pay attention to time together. We can do this. When it's time for kinyin, do kinyin, forget about zazen. And when it's time for zazen, sit down and do zazen. Time for service. Hold the chant book. Chant without thinking about anything.

[36:26]

To eat, eat completely. Wash the bowls completely. Don't look around when you eat. Just focus on eating. When I train cooks, I always tell them, don't look around when seconds are being really deadly you can get all puffed up if everybody's taking seconds oh they love my food right or you can get all torn down if nobody's taking seconds oh they don't like me at all that food and really those are just stories we have no idea So that's why we say keep our eyes lowered. So Zazen is sitting, it's eating, it's walking, it's sleeping, it's working together, using the same mind in every activity.

[37:34]

Nothing is more important than anything else. It's kind of a myth. that sitting zazen is more important than anything else. Watch that in our practice. Actually, Sojin did say that the most important period in the day was work period, because we get to take zazen into the field of work. I wanted to say that five times this week I've gone into a bathroom or the kitchen and found a paper towel roll or toilet paper roll. And I'm not saying that to make anybody feel bad because we all make mistakes like yesterday.

[38:43]

Twice I forgot to put my mask on. And Colleen's gentle reminder was helpful. I think we all need reminders, right? We're all here to help each other, to work together. We're not doing this alone, supporting each other. And I've put a lot of shoes that are on the floor in the community room and on the porch back on the shoe shelf. And you might think, oh, she's so picky. She's so over the top. But, you know, these little things, these little choices we make, they're really important because this is our training ground.

[39:45]

If we can take small things in our daily life here, then we can take that right out into our daily life out there and take care of the bigger things that come along. So if I come along and trips over my shoes, I'm going to feel terrible. These aren't just rules. These are ways that we take care of each other when we're really practicing in this way that he's talking about. He says, Sashin is a practice of great patience. Patience is to stay still in the center of each moment.

[40:51]

And it's fundamental in helping us to endure the painfulness of our life. Pain and suffering are not always the same thing. Pain is a feeling and suffering is more of an attitude toward pain. If we can allow it, it's easier to be free from our suffering. He always called suffering like extra, what we tag onto it, the commentary or the wiggling around or whatever we do with it, the discomfort, how we react. And he talked a lot about patience, but then he came to feel that the word itself was problematic because patience kind of implies that you're trying to be patient in order to do something else in the future. So Suzuki Roshi talked about constancy as a kind of synonym to what they were both trying to talk about when he referred to patience.

[42:02]

And I think Sojin liked that word too because constancy is not about seeking ourself. It's more about that unchanging ability to accept what's happening right now as we're doing it. So even when something's difficult, you know, we can meet the problem with constancy. And he's described like the sky, it's always there. So even when there's clouds or lightning, the sky is always there. And he says that practice is like that. There may be a flash of enlightened activity, but he doesn't care about that. We just do the very next thing. He forgets about it. And then we're ready for the next moment of enlightened activity. So Suzuki Roshi says, when we cultivate our, you know, when we aren't seeking for something that's outside of ourselves, then we can clear the mind.

[43:15]

So we're here today to practice uncovering, throwing stuff away, watch and see what arises. Watch and see how we respond. Fall down, just stand back up again. We're scolding, right? Suzuki Roshi says, if the mind is clear, then we really can experience the true knowledge that's already there. It's already ours. And that constancy, it's a kind of training to think in that way actually, practice in that way. It keeps us ready for the very next thing. One time when I went to Sojin's office, we had an appointment, it was late in the afternoon and I came through the gate and he was playing his recorder, he often played the recorder in the afternoon before .

[44:26]

And I heard him play and I walked towards the door And I kind of reluctantly knocked on the door because he was playing his recorder, and he said, hi, because he always did when he wanted you to open the door. And I went in and I said, I'm sorry I didn't interrupt you. And he said, you didn't interrupt me. It was just the very next thing. And that's the way he saw practice. move right on. And I think that's what Suzuki Roshi means about constancy, you know, that example. So here we have that opportunity to just keep doing the very next thing. What's activity?

[45:28]

It's all continuous. And I think when we do that, then we're able to be more aware and to practice paying attention. I think it was Charlotte Joko Beck that told this story about a student asking a master to write down something about great wisdom. And the master wrote down the word, attention. And the student said, is that all? And so the master wrote, attention, attention. So attention to what, you know, we might ask. What are we doing, right? Well, if we attend to this present moment, then what else is there?

[46:39]

If we're really merged, what else is there? And when we don't do that, we can miss the content. So it could be any . When we're moving the mat, when we're chopping vegetables. So just to attend to what we're doing. I want to read you a very short Japanese koan. I like it very much. It comes from the 13th century. Maybe you've heard it. It's called Three Days More. Suiwo, the disciple of Hakuen. Hakuen was a Rinzai teacher. So Suiwo, the disciple of Hakuen, was a good teacher. During one summer seclusion period, a student came to him from a southern island of Japan.

[47:41]

Suiwo gave him a problem. Hear the sound of one hand. The student remained three years, but could not pass the test. One night he came in tears and said, I must return south in shame and embarrassment, for I cannot solve my problem. Wait one week more and meditate, advised Suiwo. Still no enlightenment came to the student. Try it for another week, said Suiwo. The pupil obeyed, but in vain. Still another week, yet this was of no avail. Fair, the student begged to be released. But Suiwo requested another meditation of three days. Sorry, five days. Just like us, five days.

[48:41]

These were without result. Wait now for three days longer. Then, if you fail to attain enlightenment, you had better kill yourself. On the second day, the student was enlightened. So I think there's a lot that could be said about this. I need to talk about it, really, except what I'd like to say is that this student was upset and worried, right? Just wants to quit, right? Do we feel that way? Have we felt that way at all this week? Are we thinking we'll make some progress? Are we thinking we're making progress right now or maybe tomorrow? That we'll accomplish something or we'll get something or where?

[49:48]

And what is our anticipation for? And the teacher just encourages him to keep doing zazen, right? And right when he gets to that place of being hopeless, there's a breakthrough. But we all force insight, the timing of it, right? Often when we give up, something relaxes and something changes, shifts, right? Something bright. It's a mystery. Try as we do to control any of our realizations. Always looking for progress, right? But we can't rush, right? So staying right here is really much more important than any progress any of us could ever make.

[50:52]

And there's no such thing as one hand clapping because we have many hands in this room. Many hands to clap. I'll end by saying this spring, you know, the flowers around Berkeley have been just beautiful with all the rain, especially beautiful this year, and the late rain. The front garden that I have just bursting with blooms and I would go out there 10 or 12 times a day to try to see the buds opening. I've always wanted to see the buds right when they open, like what does that look like? And I would just go out there, never get it. Then come out 10 days later and boom, there it is.

[51:54]

In full bloom, right? You know, I think our lives are like that. We're always looking for what's blooming. And then when we're not looking, look what unfolds. We see that in each other. We see it all week. We see the beauty on our faces, right? And how did it happen, right? So we need to remind over and over, but especially today on day four, that our effort is never wasted. Never. Something's going on down deep, right? Deep in the ocean, the current that we can't see. And when the something will come to the surface and this constancy our patience really keeps us listening and as more and more of our conditioning falls away what's let's sit with that question what's left

[53:14]

So, day four, no anticipation, happiness, breath, and posture. Thank you so much. For folks online, since we're in this multi-gay sushin, we're not doing Q&A. we'll have a chance to do practice discussion with Judy Fleischman and myself this afternoon.

[53:55]

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