So that's the Koan, which we're going to get into. But in addition to a Koan, there's always a comment and then followed by a verse. And this is from Mumon's commentary. And Mumon was a monk, and in 1228, this is when he lived, He composed the Mumonkan, probably many of us are familiar with it. This is the Mumonkan, which is a collection of 48 koans. And as I say, he added a comment and a verse to each one. So here is Mumon's comment. Even if your eloquence flows like a river, it is of no avail. Though you can expound the whole of Buddhist literature, it is of no use. If you solve this problem, you will give life to the way that has been dead until this moment and destroy the way that has been alive up to now.

[01:10]

Otherwise, you must wait for Maitreya Buddha and ask him. So I think that first part is self-explanatory. That's really him. He had all the eloquence in the world. He knew so much, but it didn't do him any good. In fact, it hindered him. He just couldn't get beyond that thinking mind and that reasoning deductiveness for always being able to figure things out. They make an analogy, it's kind of like you cannot eat a picture, a painting on a rice cake. Or in other words, you can't eat the pictures of food. You know, you have to have the real experience, the taste of it. And so the second part, if you solve this problem, you will give life to the way that has been dead in this moment. And so until this moment. So my understanding here is that Of course, this is a big thing.

[02:13]

When we can get out of our way, you know, this ego, this self-centeredness that always, it just kind of sticks to us, doesn't it? But when we have those moments, when we just drop all that away, what happens is we can become in touch with Big Mind, or we call it Buddha Mind, the essence of who we are. And we feel that interconnection, interdependence with all things. And it's like really becoming alive, just that moment as Keoghan had. And continuing on, it says, and you'll destroy the way that has been alive up to now. And so we're just kind of destroying, for that moment, the ego. You know, we never, Sojin says you don't get rid of the ego, but I like to think of it as you just kind of put it aside and you find a way to manipulate around that ego so that we have some space to wake up to this true self or this big mind, Buddha mind.

[03:18]

And, of course, it's easier said than done because we have to give up everything we think we are and what we've been counting on, you know, our values and beliefs and everything that we've relied on, our intellect, maybe knowing the answers. And the last part is, otherwise you must wait for Maitreya Buddha and ask him. Now, it's said that Maitreya is coming back, or coming, 5,670,000,000 years after Buddha's nirvana. So, in other words, it's gonna be a long time. Probably like forever. And actually, as I've read this, that remark's not meant to be sarcastic. But it's really an encouragement towards his monks, just to wake up now. Now is the time. We can't wait. It kind of reminds me of the saying on the Han.

[04:26]

I don't think we have this here, do we? We don't have a... Do we have a... I think it is on the Han out there, but we don't use the Han. Okay, it's on the Han so you can find that. But anyway, you see it in big temples, it's a wood plaque. And on that it says, listen everyone, birth and death is given once. This moment now is gone. Awake each one, awake. Don't waste your life. Okay, so now moving on to the verse. that Mu Man wrote. The verse is, Kyogen is truly thoughtless. His vice and poison are endless. He stops up the mouths of the monks and devil's eyes sprout from our bodies. Now I know that must sound really cruel, but actually in Zen, they use this technique called praise by means of denouncing.

[05:31]

And that's kind of what Mu Man was doing. He probably really admired Kyogen for putting such a koan together. I mean, what are you going to do in such a fatal case? And so again, he's just trying to wake up his students. And of course the students are, you know, just stunned. So indeed there is kindness behind that statement. And they don't know how to respond, the monks, as I didn't know how to respond to this. So as I work with this koan, you know, more and more is opening up to me and I really feel actually kind of revealing how much I don't know. And there's always more to go with that anyway, but I've been looking at it from different angles. And I'm thinking about the different men. And I actually have a lot of compassion for each man.

[06:33]

I'm thinking of the man now and seeing those parts in myself. They're both hanging from a tree. Actually, the man on the ground is as much in a tree as the man in the tree. He's feeling probably really... desperate. He wants an answer. Maybe this is the thing that's going to save him or the thing that's going to move him forward in his practice. You know, maybe you've gone to your teacher or someone that you admire and really just, if they would just tell me what to do. just something to move us forward. And it's because it's really hard to do that on our own, to find those answers. And yet that's, of course, often what we have to do. Not that we can't get guidance, but it's a lot of work to go deep and find what it is, your answer that you need for yourself.

[07:38]

And you can't do it outside yourself, that's the thing. It has to come from within. And then I'm thinking about that man in the tree. Well, he of course, he wants to help. Let's say he's a Bodhisattva like us and we want to help others. He's asking for the Dharma. But he realizes, you know, is it really worth it? If I do this, I lose my life. And what do I gain? So I'm sure he's asking that question in that moment. What is the most important thing right now? Right this minute? What is my life about? So being a koan, losing your life is really going back to losing this self-identity, what we're so attached to in this ego.

[08:48]

So many times we have to, what's that saying in Zen? You have to eat the, eat the blame, to just sort of get out of the way, even though you might think you're right, to help another. So, if he lets go, he does. He loses that. But what he gains, of course, is his keeping his vow to help others. And for that moment, you know, just that moment he could feel really alive, fulfilled in his life. So then I'm looking, well, maybe there really is only one person, or nobody at all. It is a koan. But at any rate, this kind of goes back to us.

[09:56]

If there's no one there, it's good to ask ourselves, what is the meaning of this life? We now know it's a short life. And to really examine, what am I holding on to? And what am I afraid of? So these are the big questions we need to be asking ourselves. And then if we look at it in another way, let's say we look at it like in a non-dualistic way, where we see emptiness in form. And this man dangling is, once he gets through his discomfort, it's kind of like when we sit in zazen, we sort of are able to ease the discomfort on our zafu or on our chair. And just be, just be in that spaciousness, boundlessness.

[10:59]

When we can do that and have no separation, not discriminating, just allowing everything in, just feeling everything. Well, in this man in the tree, when he's doing that, everything's one. The tree, the branch, the mouth, he's just hanging there. However, that is good, but we have to come back. He's gotta come back to the world of relationship, or the world of form, because that's where our real aliveness is, is in relationship. So in that, remembering that, maybe that will allow him to let go. So there's a koan similar to this, or has related to it, and this was from Zen Flesh Zen Bones. You'll be familiar with this.

[12:01]

A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where far below another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him. Two mice, One white one and one black, little by little, started to gnaw away at the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted. So just in that moment,

[13:03]

which is all we have is one moment, one moment, one moment, one moment. It's probably complete aliveness and joy for that man. So let's going back now as we look at this koan and You know, when you think about it, our lives are always in some kind of dilemma. You're going to step out of this Zendo and you're going to have some dilemmas probably in just getting to the grocery store or on the freeway. We just have so many unexpected things happen. You get home and maybe you've gotten a bill you didn't expect, or maybe somebody's mad at you. These are maybe our little dilemmas, but they're dilemmas. And then you may have some real crises, the big things. like this man had. And often we need those crises to see what we need to see. And you know, sometimes it might not even look like a crisis. It's like a plateau. And I found myself in plateaus.

[14:09]

You know, it's like something is missing. You know, you've been maybe in Zen, you've been practicing and everything, you know, especially you're really inspired at first. It's exciting learning, but then it gets a little hard. The forms are starting to get a little stale and maybe boring. That would be the thing for me, boring. Everybody has their own version. And it looks a little flat. And that's the time when the mind wanders, right? Well, this maybe isn't it. I better go. Go to the beach. Maybe I just won't come that Saturday. Well, yeah, if I do that. You know, the mind is so great at doing all that, isn't it? But really you're stuck. You can't go backward, you can't go forward when you're in that plateau period. And sometimes I think you have to just settle into the stuckness. You have to suffer through it, so to speak.

[15:14]

And sometimes when you do that, then it just sort of eases up. Maybe you don't even know what. I think it's just the sticking with it. Just sticking with it. It's a big piece of it. And then that dukkha, suffering, can lift. You know, in the early centuries, these desert monks, you know, they lived in the desert. They had what they would call ascedia. And our word for it in Zen would be torpor. And this was kind of a boredom or laziness. They'd get restless, dissatisfied. And they called it the noontime demon. Because it would happen, you know, all morning they work, doing their cooking, their cleaning, baking, just to run their monastery. And then they'd have their noonday meal and then it was time for them to go back to their cell where they were meant to meditate, reflect, pray, perhaps write, but not to sleep and not to wander around.

[16:26]

And this was when that acedia would set in. And I've kind of looked at areas of my own life, where is my acedia? We don't use that word so much now. As I say, in Zen, we call it one of the hindrances, which is torpor. And of course, they'd go to the senior monk. for what can they do, this is when they really wanted to leave, wanted to leave the monastery. And the monk would say something like, well, you go sit in your cell, you don't leave your cell, and your cell would teach you everything. So we have our version of that, don't we? Just stay on your cushion or in your chair. So this man in the tree, I find in myself, It's a good koan. I'm sure some of us are thinking, oh yeah, I'm in a tree right now about such and such. And I think as Shuso, I found myself in the tree and wondering how did I get myself in this situation, as that man was probably wondering, although I knew it would come because, you know, I've taken this priest path, but still, but still.

[17:43]

So, you know, I've really felt bound and blocked up around the talks, particularly. And, you know, I've noticing more and more as I keep with the koan how invested I am in my knowledge and beliefs, even though I don't consider it a lot, but I'm just grappling onto any book I can get for them to tell me. And I want to look good. I want to be right. Oh, yeah. And I don't want to appear stupid. And I want to defend my point of view. And if I feel afraid, I've got to defend myself. So it's kind of a, it's created sort of a paralysis, you know, where you can't go forward, you can't go backward, just that fear. So I'm looking at, I'm looking at all of that as, as I'm going through this, trying to have some kindness and compassion towards myself. And just, you know, asking myself, well, where am I not letting go?

[18:49]

What am I holding on to? Where are my attachments? So I've started a list of all the things that I'm not letting go. You know, and I'm noticing I have little hurts, little hurts from maybe past conversations. I never really fully 100% let go. were resentments, you know, a few little resentments. Didn't quite turn out the way I thought it should. So I noticed I'm just going to have to look at those more because they're little blockages, little blockages. You know, they don't, maybe don't seem like a big deal, but they are. They really are. So it's coming back to trust. I have to really trust myself and have faith, faith in the practice, faith in myself. You know, I love this quote by Suzuki Roshi. I use it a lot. He says, moment by moment, you should completely devote yourself to listening to your inner voice.

[19:53]

So that's where I try to go. That actually requires being still and quiet. We have our Zazen, but it's really nice. I know we have such busy lives and can't all do that, but just even taking five, 10 minutes at home and just decompressing, or the beach, wherever you go. So we have some space, space for something else to come in. So this letting go is not a one-time thing. I think it is all the way till the end of life. Because it seems to me we always have something, something to let go of. The big things, the small things. So I have a lot more to learn about this koan. So I'm going to talk a little bit about the final letting go. That's our death. And we've been studying a lot about that. The Japanese word, birth-death, I see it as one word.

[20:57]

No separation or a very thin line between birth and death. And, you know, we talk about, oh, we have this one precious life. What about our one precious death? Something to reflect on, I think, as Buddhists, we talk a lot about that. Because living is we're preparing for dying. It's how we live. Some of us think we're going to avoid it. I think there's probably a part of it. Not avoid it, but it's going to come later. I think that's probably just natural. Especially when you're young. That'll happen. That'll happen later. But we don't know that. So I know that some of you like to recite the five remembrances. And I think it's just a great thing. I know some of the people, the monks did it, I think they did it once a day. Might be even twice a day, I'm not sure.

[21:59]

But I'm doing it once a week. And you're probably familiar with it, but it's just, it helps me to remind me that, yes, it's gonna happen. And these things, other things could happen, like, for example, I'm of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old. Oh, I'm resisting that one. But it's true. I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health. I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

[23:00]

So that's why I think preparing for death, our final goodbye, I know this is not necessarily the case for everyone. We might die suddenly. We might die violently. But even so, we prepare by how we live. You know, that happened to me last year. I came home and my husband was gone. He just passed away. I wasn't prepared at all. But I'd like to really believe in my heart, and I watched him, you know, the time I knew him, how he lived prepared him for how he died. He lived with such kindness. He was such a kind man. And I also watched him You know, you first get together, he had a little, he had a little resentments about this person or that, or he was still holding on to his brother, who was famous and rich, comparing himself.

[24:10]

And I watched him just letting those things go, just continually letting them go. And so I like to believe that all of that made a difference in his final moments. You know, I think really maybe to be fully alive, we've got to be aware of death. You know, they're just two pieces. If you're not aware of that, you think you're just going to go on forever. And we don't know. We just don't know. That's taught me that lesson when Al left so suddenly. And I think, too, it helps when we know our life is short. to be a little kinder to ourselves and to others. We don't know. We don't know how long we're going to be around. So maybe develop that curiosity about death and that don't know mind.

[25:16]

And think about, hmm, what am I doing that is preparing me? What is the meaning of my life now? And what is really satisfying? If I look in my life, what am I finding that's ultimately satisfying in this life that I'm doing? And then maybe you'll find some things, I'm looking for myself, things that aren't so much. And it's okay, you can cough. Do you need to cough? It's all right to do it. Looking at some of those things that really aren't that satisfying. I've had to let go of friends that really weren't, nothing wrong with them, but it wasn't really helping my relationship. So we just can ask ourselves these questions. Will I die the way I lived? And am I prepared to die?

[26:18]

And how can I prepare myself? So it's like, as I say, if we're not taken suddenly or violently, will those last moments help me? Will this practice, that's really what it comes down to, does the practice help me? It helped me when my husband died, it gave me a ground, a ground upon which to stand. Of course, I had mourning, loss. It's like two pieces of it, you know, holding two pieces. There's that, but then there's the realization this is part of life. It's dying. So finding a place for both of them. So I think it's just continuously letting go of the big things, the little things. I heard this story about Suzuki Roshi. This was really, maybe even the night before he died, I don't know, very close to when he died.

[27:24]

Probably, no, he died of cancer and of course he was very thin, very small by the time his death arrived. But he wanted a bath, he wanted a bath. And his wife said, no, no, she just didn't feel he could do that, he was so fragile. But his son said yes, he would give him a bath. So he picked him up, just he was able to pick him up, he had just shrunken so much. And then Suzuki Roshi, he got scared, probably sort of, you know, really held himself. And his son said to him, find your breath, find your breath. And then Suzuki Roshi was able to stabilize himself and just relax. So, that's the thing for us to just continue to come back to, to find our breath.

[28:25]

In crises, in dilemmas, in plateaus, find that breath. And to keep letting go, renunciation. That's what they say this whole practice is about, is renunciation. Because, and just to recognize, well, everything's got to be given up anyway, so we can start to do that, just letting go of some of those things that just aren't really satisfying anymore. It's hard. It's hard. But I think that's probably enough. Thank you very much. Now, if anyone would have any comments or questions? Charlie. Thank you very much, Carol. Thank you. You covered all the bases, except one. Oh. And I just want to ask you your thoughts about the death with dignity movement.

[29:31]

I am really for it. Myself, I don't know a lot about it, but I do firmly believe everyone has the right to die with dignity. And I think, too, they need to be with someone. It's really nice. And this is probably why hospice is so fantastic, what they do. Just being with someone. Do you want to make a comment about it yourself, how you feel about it? some sort of assistance in thinking about this.

[30:46]

Yeah, and like I said, I haven't really explored it, but just offhand, you know, I think, oh, yes, everybody deserves that. But every case is so different. I've known some people that have done that. And who's to say? Who's to say, really? I know probably, it's tricky. It's not an easy question, but I do feel strongly and hope that if you have the kind of death that you can have someone there with you. Because relationship is so, so important. Unfortunately, they're finding more people that are alone. And often, I think that's why they do die, because they don't have anyone. So the relationships are so, so critical. And we're so fortunate we have relationships here. Kelsey? I was really struck by the story I remembered about Sukhivarshi and how he was being held and then being reminded to breathe and how that's so much like birth.

[32:00]

Yeah, thank you. I hadn't thought about that, but that's exactly right. Penelope? being in this moment and being alive.

[33:33]

Well, I just think it's something, you know, to explore, to be curious. What is this? We don't really know what happens, but I've thought a lot about it. It just feels like it's sort of everything is composting. The body definitely is. And maybe this essence is just whirling around with all the other energy. in the world, just really basically being curious about how to prepare. You know, my mother, she was 97 and I was with her. We'd all take turns going to stay with her because she lived at my sister's. And she was getting close. And in fact, in December, she announced, I want to die this year. OK, 97, we all thought, you know, that's fine, really.

[34:58]

She was getting really worn out. So I spent some time with her. And I said, well, is there anything, is there anyone you need to say anything to? She said, no. She didn't have much. She was not a woman of words. And then I said, well, Is there anything maybe you regret or you want to talk about?" Oh, she went, oh, yes, oh God, I can't talk about it, I can't talk about it. I said, wow, I mean, I've never seen her respond like that. I said, well, that's okay, you don't have to. I was kind of talking, you know, just saying, well, just, can you forgive yourself for whatever it was? And then, of course, she started talking about it. And it was a time when she felt she hadn't been very nice to her father. And she really was sorry about that. Very sorry about it. And so I just let her talk about it. And I really saw something change in her. She just sort of lifted.

[35:59]

See, there was a little more spirit to her. Unloading that. She'd been carrying that around for probably 70 years. So that was interesting. So I don't know if that has to do with curiosity but But I think we're going to have to go. Oh, Ben. Oh. Yeah, that's hard.

[37:30]

Well, I myself like to spend a little time with myself examining it. I just have what I call a pity party about it. Some sorrow, excuse me. My leg is cramping. Sorry, that happens from time to time. to examine it and go through the hurt or whatever myself. That's how I handle it. Some people might need to go talk to someone about it. I usually take counsel for myself and then go out and see, you know, where my own blind spot about it. something you kind of have to digest, huh, over and over and see what is this. Of course our Zazen practice is so good that way because we are all in that cushion, but seeking out, seeking out help too from a teacher or a senior student is really good too.

[38:39]

I don't know if that helps, but okay, I think that's it. Thank you.

[38:45]

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