Well, here we are, day five of Seshin for actually quite a number of people, and for some of you it's another day or it's the first day, but however that is, we're right in the heart of it. In some moments we're in the heart of light that I notice during Ruhatsa Seshina every year where I sit at lunchtime, the light comes through the back windows and it shines on my bowls just as I'm washing them. Yesterday I got momentarily lost in all the cracks in the lacquer. There was like a whole world in there. And that's some moments, and some moments it's also the heart of darkness, of what am I doing here, of the ache in my legs and back.

[01:12]

Yesterday, after two days of cooking, sort of the howling of my aging feet, standing in the kitchen. But this is a wonderful place to be. At least that's how I'm feeling about it right now. Sojin Roshi invited me to, several days ago, he invited me to give a talk. Then he put this little trick condition on it. He said, said, I'm not going to tell you when, just when you're ready. And I don't know. We have this expression, ready, willing, and able. I'm not sure where that comes from. It sounds like it comes from the Navy or something.

[02:14]

I'm not sure if I'm ready. I'm not sure if I'm able, all I know is, okay, I'm willing, and I'm willing to make a mistake. But the subject that I want to circle around, it has some urgency for me. The text, which I'll touch on, is from Not Always So, from the Practicing Zen section, and the title of it is Be Kind With Yourself. So, I think this fits with what Sojourn Rochi's lectures have been over the last

[03:17]

four days. I've really been enjoying the lectures, they've been very heartful and also very difficult to categorize. It's not like they're on a topic and he's pressing ahead, but I think this is in the territory of that. James asked how Sojan felt about his relationship with Richard Baker. And I think you said something like, well, it's a very complicated matter. I couldn't reduce it to one set of feelings.

[04:24]

that really reminded me of two things from my own life. I preface this by saying that being kind to myself is not necessarily a practice or reality that I came to early in my life. So I was remembering When I, my first day in public school, I had gone to private school. First day of ninth grade, when I went to public schools, I met all new kids, all new building, all new teachers. And everybody was wearing clothes that were much cooler than mine. You know, it's like they were all, if you remember them, everybody's pants were really tapered tightly. And mine were like wide and they had cuffs. out of me and you know it was a big deal and I got back from school and my mother asked well how was it how did it feel and I blew up at her you know and basically saying how could I possibly encapsulate the overwhelming sensation of

[05:53]

of entering this new reality in one concise sentence. It makes me think, I've been thinking about Dylan a lot. It's like the refrain from Like a Rolling Stone, how does it feel? So, being kind to yourself. things into your entire world, into each moment, the impossible complexity of your emotions, of the causes and conditions, of what's coming up in your body, what's happening in this room, how we're working together, all of that is subject to our interpretation.

[06:57]

But I think there's a, right in the title of this piece, there's a clue. What I was remembering when I was thinking about this was the title, Be Kind to Yourself. And actually, it doesn't say be kind to yourself, it says be kind with yourself. I'm assuming, and Sojin and Ed Brown did a lot of the editing for this, right? I'm assuming that was Suzuki Roshi's word. And this is something that, again, touching on, I think, on the lecture yesterday, a day's blur to me. There's a difference between be kind to and be kind with. and that difference is between perceiving object and being subject, subjective.

[08:12]

As we're practicing here, as we're having our meals, usually you know if you go to a restaurant you have a waiter and you have a guest and the waiter is serving the guest but here we're serving each other we're serving we're being kind with each other so server approaches with bowl, bows, and we bow together. We meet as one. We meet right at the point of that bow.

[09:14]

And we do this dozens of times a meal. So I keep coming back to something that it's kind of become sort of a core thought of mine or something that it's not just an idea, it's actually something I tried to practice. In the Platform Sutra of the Sixth Ancestor, there's a section about halfway through which has a kind of formless ordination, a formless repentance ceremony.

[10:22]

And if you read it, you realize it has a lot of parallels to our lay ordination. it's really the same ceremony and what formless means, in a way, inconceivable, which is also true of all of our ordinations. The real impact and meaning of them is beyond our understanding and so it's formless in that way. It's not like it just, you know, mushy like a bowl of overcooked oatmeal, formless. It's formless in its scale. And so the first, the Bodhisattva vows are part of this ceremony and we're going to chant, you know, we'll chant them at the end of this lecture. We chant, Beings are numberless, I vow to save them.

[11:26]

In the Sixth Ancestors, and I've checked several translations and there's a consistency to them, the wording is a little different. In the Sixth Ancestors version of the Bodhisattva Vows, he says, sentient beings of my mind are numberless. I vow to save them all. So this is another way, it's another way or another angle to come at be kind with yourself. So if sentient beings of my mind are numberless, You know, I don't think what's being implied is that I'm suffering from multiple personality disorder.

[12:36]

It's that, say, when Sojin responds to the complexity of a question about how do you feel about events at Zen Center, then this 14-year-old boy coming home from the first day of school is reborn. And I feel the pain that he feels anew. And I can be from the vantage point of you know 50 odd and even very odd years later, I can be kind to that boy.

[13:42]

Another memory that came up as I was thinking about this was actually mother ever made when I was married the first time and living out here. This was in, must have been about 1972 and we were driving along the Bayshore Freeway and he very pointedly asked me, are you happy? once again, well actually no, I wasn't. But I didn't, I got angry because I, and I argued with him that that was not really a useful question.

[14:48]

And I said I'm not sure that I care about happiness so much. I just want to be useful. uh right right now as I say that and I you know I've this is not the first time I felt that so that being is born that let's see I was probably about 24 25 in my memory and also what's born as I think about this uh is uh I feel a real sadness because I recognize that actually he just wanted me to be happy. You know, that was a very pure motivation and I really appreciate that now.

[15:58]

So I keep coming back to this thought, save all the sentient beings of your mind. I want to come back to it again because it begs another question which is, and so does this, and Suzuki Rufi's essay also begs the same question, so it's, be kind with yourself. What is yourself? Where does it begin and end? The same thing, save all the sentient beings of your mind. Well, is it just this kind of mind, this stuff that's contained in this cup of bone? So, let's come back to that. It was another story that came to mind.

[17:10]

This is one, when I was thinking about this essay, this was one I remember Sojin telling, and I checked to see if I had remembered it correctly or incorrectly. I think one point early in his practice at And for Sokochi, with Suzuki Roshi, I think you passed him on the stairs. I thought maybe you should relate what your interaction was. It's the story you're thinking of. He always used to bow to us. Yes. Like I bow to people. And I was the last one.

[18:14]

And he said, well I'll tell you the reason why. I was fairly new, but I was sitting in full lotus. And I sat for that whole session in full lotus, except for the last period when I had to uncross my legs. And I was so ashamed of myself. And I said, do you think I should continue practicing? Does that mean it's not difficult enough for you? Did you hear that? So that made a big impression on me, that story. Is it not difficult enough on day five of Sajjin.

[19:20]

One reason that I love this practice is because it embodies these seeming contradictions that are actually an expression, a manifestation of how we live. Well, maybe it's time to end the lecture. But actually, I want to read you what Suzuki Roshi says. He begins by talking about his early days of practice.

[20:31]

And he says, at the start, I want you to have the actual feeling of true practice, because even though I practiced zazen when I was young, I didn't know exactly what it was. and he'd been to monasteries and he'd been to AHE and he would hear teachers and be impressed by them, but he couldn't really come to terms with what it was that they were saying. Our aim is to have a complete experience or full feeling in each moment of practice. What we teach is that enlightenment and practice are one. But my practice was what we call step ladders in. I understand this much now and next year, I thought, I'll understand a little more.

[21:36]

That kind of practice doesn't make much sense. I could never be satisfied. If you try step ladder practice, maybe you too will realize that it's a big mistake. It occurred to me as I was reading that, that, you know, I don't feel like there's a lot of stepladder practice in this room. I think that a lot of the people, many of the people who were hearing Suzuki Roshi's lectures were relatively new to Zen. just as you were when you had that encounter. But if I look around this room, most people have been practicing a while, from a few years to many years. And the whole core of the teaching that we've gotten through Sojin Roshi and through Suzuki Roshi and through all the people who lecture here,

[22:47]

It's never teaching step ladders in. And I think we've been fortunate because if you look at other Buddhist traditions, not so unusual, you know, to see, and this is the whole, if you want to go back to the Platform Sutra, the whole thrust of the Platform Sutra is about not looking at stages of practice. but of seeing, even though it wasn't formulated there, seeing the unity of awakened practice, awakening each moment. But it's still a practice. This chapter was placed in the practicing Zen section, not in the preparation for practice in Zen section, which doesn't exist.

[23:52]

So he says, if we do not have some warm, big satisfaction in our practice, that's not true practice. So right there, Suzuki Roshi is like sticking it to us. He's telling you what he takes to be a fundamental truth. And of course, as you read this, you say, oh yeah, this makes little sense. And then, wait, do I have some warm, big satisfaction in my practice? What about those other feelings that I have? So he says, even though you sit, trying to have the right posture and counting your breath, it may still be lifeless zazen because you are just following instructions. Well this is tricky because Sochen Roshi's first lecture was exactly about his instructions and how to have the right posture and breathing.

[25:03]

So was he leading us wrong? So this is part, to me, this is this wonderful ambiguity of Zen, you have to have a form, you have to have a body in which to have this warm satisfaction. And you have to have an attitude towards yourself. And that attitude is in the next sentence. It says, even if you sit trying to have the right posture and counting your breath, it may still be lifeless Zazen because you are just following instructions. You are not kind enough with yourself. That's part. That is what has to be practiced. And that's the conundrum. How do you do that? This is what we're taught. The instruction is, you know, to count your breaths.

[26:08]

And we think, if we're new, we think, oh well that gives us something to do with our mind. We count our breaths so that we don't get caught in our thinking mind. But actually, he says, we count our breaths to take the best care of your breathing. If you are very kind with your breathing, one breath after another, you will have a refreshed, warm feeling in your zazen. This is actually, Ross gave a lecture on Saturday, seems like years ago. And I think you, what was your, you quoted Yasutani Roshi, right? Keizan Zenji, the piece of, oh.

[27:15]

Something about breath. Oh, Yasutani Roshi, yeah, he said something to the effect of, it took me 30 years until I finally understood breathing and being able to taste breath. To taste breath. And I think when I heard that, and that put me in mind of this, it's like to taste breath is like to really get the flavor of it, that's how you take care of your breath, to really get the flavor of the food that we have at lunch, to savor these really simple ingredients. and to feel how they are nourishing us. And so we are kind with them. We nourish, we take care of our breath.

[28:16]

We're nourishing our breathing. We are merging with our food and our food is merging with us. air. Yeah. And then of course it comes through. Right. Yeah. And you know, when you're really finally attuned, you can do that. When you have a warm feeling for your body and your breath, recognizing that you are completely one with them, then you can take care of your practice and you will be fully satisfied. When you are very kind with yourself, naturally you will feel like this.

[29:18]

A mother will take care of her child even though she may have no idea how to make her baby happy. Similarly, when you take care of your posture and your breathing, there is a warm feeling in it. when you have a warm feeling in your practice, that's a good example of the great mercy of Buddha. This is one of the things that I love about Suzuki Roshi. You're reading along and it's all making sense and it sounds very warm and logical and then all of a sudden, wait, what did he say? The mercy of Buddha, where did that come from? but that's always in the context of how he's seeing this. So, here we are in Sikhin, and I guess I will confess that

[30:38]

Because I knew it was going to be hard. But also it's kind of what I signed up for. And I know that I also knew, and I know about everything in my life, that whatever I think it's going to be, it's going to be something different. And I'm blessed. Some of you, many of you who know me, probably this will make sense. It's like I have a tendency to have very low expectations. I think things are not going to work out so I'm never disappointed because they're never as bad as I think they're going to be.

[31:50]

And actually, the peculiar thing in this session, and it's physically hard, it's tiring, it's painful at times, I feel my energies are very close to the surface, which can be for me and others, you know, can be a volatile place to be. But in this session, I felt somehow as soon as I entered it, a lot of cares dropped away. You know, a lot of the things that have been troubling me and feelings about myself, feelings about people, etc., etc., they just kind of dropped away.

[32:56]

Some of them will come back, but the lesson in this to me is that, you know, it's like the first change, which allows me to be kind with myself, to laugh at myself, to laugh at small things that happen. Never laughing at people, but it's like we're laughing and enjoying together. So this mind is not contained just within this bowl of bone and the self that we create or that we experience or that we are with is the whole room and it's interesting because it's constantly changing literally

[34:14]

yet Seshien has this single nature and we are creating it. It's not me, you know, not Jerry or not Ross or not Sojan or not Bud, but I was thinking of Bud, excuse me, I don't mean to sing that, it's like Bud comes every year. And so when he shows up, you know, it's rohatsu sashin. And it's, you know, and rohatsu sashin has that small but essential ingredient, Bud. And that's true of It's true of others.

[35:21]

There's a lot of people here, quite a number of people who show up every year and some of us, it's been year after year. And new people are always folded into the flavor. So, it's one body. being with that body, being kind with that body, means being kind to each other, being kind with ourself, breath after breath, thought after thought, whether it is joyous thought, calm thought, angry thought, Just being with that and holding that, saving that sentient being that is rising on that moment.

[36:21]

That's, I think, the task of our practice. So I'll leave you, as I said, we have some time to talk. I said I've been listening to Dylan, and for some reason yesterday this song came to mind. I hadn't thought of it for years. was delivered. People know that song? Anyway, it's a great chorus. The chorus is, nothing is better, nothing is best. Take care of yourself and get plenty of rest. So if you have any questions or thoughts, we have a few minutes. Oh, this is a week's drive past any defenses I might have had this talk.

[37:25]

One of the things that kind of got me was your response, the angry responses you talked about in situations where maybe you weren't taking care of yourself. For me, when I have an irritable or angry response, That's a signal to me that I'm not taking care of myself in terms of my practice or in terms of other parts of my life. It's a real tip-off. And that it actually, when I'm taking care of whatever that being is that's going on, the overtired being, the being that has not had rest or exercise or whatever, then I am not a kind being to others. So I can really see that, how it actually plays out in my life.

[38:27]

It plays out like directly. The minute I'm overextended and I see those signs in myself, I know, this is what's going on. So it actually, and if I change the way I've not taken care of myself and start, whether sitting more or whatever it is that I have to do. I'm a much better person, so I'm naturally a more giving person. Thank you. Yeah, I think each of us has our own awareness and our own way of recognizing and practicing with these afflictive states. For me, I do my best to, at least as a first effort, to contain them. And if there has to be pain, to hold that pain myself and not inflict it on others.

[39:34]

And then as I think I've said this before, I have this, I kind of, my practice is sort this feels really bad right now. How's it going to feel tonight? How's it going to feel tomorrow? The urgency of it is so immediate. But I also, I really believe in impermanence. And it's not just a, you know, an intellectual belief. It's like, I That feeling is not going to remain with that intensity. There may be something that has to be done about it. But usually it can wait. And usually if I wait, I learn something.

[40:37]

But thank you. Yeah, Anthony. I really appreciate your lecture. Particularly the distinction you made between being kind with yourself rather than being kind to yourself. And it reminds me of when I realized the power of using and rather than but. And this is but another. powerful distinction that I can take into my life. Using the word with, in my mind, doesn't create duality. It's fun to play with language that way. When I was doing a workshop with a photographer, Peter Cunningham, we got into talking, you know,

[41:47]

there's so much built into our language and expression, say, oh, I'm going to take a photograph, or I'm going to, like, oh, look at this shot, you know, and so we should, we look at our language, we can see, we see, sometimes you can see kind of disconnectedness or even aggression that's built into the very expression and it's fun to look at that and to figure out what do I want to say, how do I want to express myself. But you know what happens, so the day before sashaying, I decided to shave my head.

[42:49]

I started to shave my head. I had sort of just let the beard grow. And then it's like, oh, where do I stop? It's like these sideburns just started in the middle of emptiness. So I had to go shave. It reminds me of a friend who said, Shaving the hair is inside the head that are much more difficult. You can also just hammer them in and bite them off. So how does it feel? Fine. It's been feeling fine all week, which is really nice. In the realm of low expectations, I don't presume that that will continue endlessly, but whatever it is, I'll take it. Thank you. Then it's a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon, and Calvin and Hobbes are on a sled, and they're gliding along, and Hobbes is warning Calvin to be careful, and they go over a cliff and smash at the bottom, and Hobbes says, I don't know if I can stand this much fun.

[44:41]

Careful, we don't want to learn anything from this. Anyone else before we close? Yes? I'm one of the ones that joined Sasheen physically just yesterday and I I come from the San Francisco Zen Center tradition, which is a little... I'm trying to think of a kind way to put it. It had a certain... I'll just say it. In my mind, it had a kind of rigidity of structure that either included or excluded, which maybe shows more of my mind than the mind of that center. When I spoke with Sojin about a month ago, you said, well, just come when you can.

[45:52]

And it just opened it up for me. And I realized, oh, I can come when I can. And even I felt as if I was with you all starting on Saturday evening and Sunday and so forth as I prepared. But there was something in me that was a little annoyed or irritated I couldn't figure it out at first, because I've loved sashimi for many decades. And then I thought, oh, it's like dying. And I'm still not quite comfortable with that. As I said goodbye to the people I work with, to my husband, to the animals in the house and packed things up. And then on the plane, I was working with Norman's book on training in compassion. And he had mentioned hemachodra and working with the different texts on those slogans.

[46:57]

And so flying here yesterday, I was reading a section. And then all of a sudden, she quotes Suzuki Roshi, which surprised me for some reason, where he gave a teaching of, The kindest thing is to be ready to die over and over again. And when I arrived here, you all were so welcoming, I felt. And then you offered me a cup of tea, which was, I didn't think I really wanted one, but I thought, that's the great gift when a person arrives out of the world. this all. So the kindness here at Berkeley Zen Center gives me a sense of how we can step into this awakened universe together.

[48:02]

Thank you. Thank you. You know, it's interesting to me for the last year or two, as I've been doing some teaching and traveling on my own and really seeing what it is that is in the spirit here. I haven't practiced much at Zen Center and my friends at Zen Center are very kind. what I find going some places is that first of all people are very curious about Zen. What is this Zen? But then people who think they know something about Zen are often very disarmed because it's not that I don't know or teach

[49:14]

But it doesn't have a kind of martial feel. And it has, I think we teach, be kind with yourself, which I don't know that is somehow the objectified idea that people have about Zen. This is not easy to do this all week, but what is the harm with which we're doing this? So, we can just continue. Thank you.

[50:00]

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